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auntie grizelda
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11:20 AM yesterday auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@256 sissoucat: Thank you, nocutename, EricaP, seandr, lolorhone, and others for all your kind support and helpful advice! Good idea about being in a choir. Actually, I'm already in one---we have a local flute ensemble that ranges from piccolos and C flutes to alto and bass flutes (I'm playing alto flute right now). We're currently reading an octet piece I composed and premiered at my senior recital in college 7 years ago.
You're right---we don't have any men in our group (except for our conductor, and he's married to our flute choir director, along with being too old for me and we'd never be a couple!). There are no men performing with us right now, but that can always change with everyone's schedules and availabilities for rehearsals and performance venues.

I guess I'm just plain Wile E. Coyote quirky, especially around the opposite sex. *sigh* Men in their 60's.....hmmmmm. They'd be within my oldest sister's age bracket. I'll have to think about that one, though. Most guys I know of where I live really don't seem at all interested in getting to know me better, and I wonder if I have had a tendency to be a bit pushy and /or overwhelmingly outspoken in the past. Does this scare them off? Do I elicit poor body chemistry? While I'm certainly no Cosmo supermodel, overall I'm at my very best glowing, radiant girlish appearance than I ever have been my whole life.

So what is it? I wonder if my demographic could have anything to do with my failure to effectively relate. There seems to be a cold reserve (Bellingham Freeze?) the locally born guys in my age group appear to have towards free-spirited gals like me who moved in from out of town (even though I relocated from only 25 miles south of here and within my own native US state). They don't like my hairstyle (long and irregularly shaggy)? Wrong political affiliation? They're easily startled? They're more into sports, hunting and fishing? Farting and ball-scratching? Bazooka belching? What?
My guess is that I live in a college town also full of retirees, and the vast majority of guys my age are already married with children, or they're divorced and remarried with children from previous marriages, still looking to further breed in truckloads (and personally resent me because they know I 'm not interested in having children), are die hard staunch conservatives, and are deep down quite possibly just as shy toward intimacy as I am.

I am doing a lot of soul searching, especially with both my beloved parents reunited in heaven. However quirky and insecure I am, I do focus on staying healthy and self-sufficient. Am I seen as damaged goods from my one bad marriage? I don't know.
Going slowly, while taking needed pauses for quiet meditation seems to be the best option for me right now.
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@222 & @239 nocutename re: @236 seandr's comment: You are infinitely braver, sexually, than I am.
All the more power to you.
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@238 Hunter78: I simply mean that after 37 years of really horrible periods
(ask mydriasis if you're interested in rehashing the gory details from within a previous Savage Love column), I finally have something close to a normally functioning uterus.
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
re: @237 a bit further: And yes, I am well aware that by age 50, just about all of us have been hurt one way or another at some time.
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@230 EricaP: I guess along with my long-admitted shyness problem, it seems I'm a bit quirky for even men within my age group who share my interests (I.e.: various styles of music, movies, comedy, cartoons, theatre, art, literature, nature, beach combing, classic foreign cars etc., etc.). I have trouble socializing in large groups, and feel a little claustrophobic in huge crowds (living in New York City might be a bit intimidating for me).

I don't belong to any one particular church (I'll skip any overblown explanation here), but I do agree on focusing on relationships with others who share my interests. I'm actually most in agreement with nocutename on not really being or feeling ready to actually start a LTR with anyone yet. While I really like and agree with your list of focuses (i.e.: kindness, patience, good chemistry, low-drama) over good looks, wealth and a hot body (remember, everyone: my crush on actor/ producer Brad Pitt is only that--a fantasy! I'm NOT stalking the poor guy!) I don't know.
It's like nocutename said, I need time. I have been on my own for going on 13 years now and enjoy my crazy, spontaneous, single status. Like the people of Poland, I have also had to fight on uphill battle with unwanted intrusion from others (in my case, it's mostly my sisters, older relatives, etc., etc.) for establishing boundaries and true independence.
Anybody out there who just wants to be friends first and then see what happens later?
One thing is for certain: I don't feel comfortable with acquiring a sex partner right now. After being so frequently hurt and disappointed for so long, although it's long past, I just want to go slow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm functioning on my own separate Warner Bros. type Auntie Griz planet (Marvin Martian, anybody?), in a world of my own that nobody else understands. It's like there's some bizarre force field out there in the great, big, unforgiving universe, and should I stick my neck out any further, I could go spiraling irretrievably down a deep, dark, black hole.
*sigh* That's about the best explanation I can offer about what I'm feeling right now.
Thoughts and ideas are greatly appreciated.

At least I am now blessed with a working uterus!
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@222 nocutename: Better still, I also have Babeland's website address online, and can ask them about what lubricants would work best for me.
Thanks again!
Apr 14 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@217 sissoucat: Okay. I'm more comfortable with oral than anal sex, anyway, so that's reassuring to know. Thanks. Part of my question concerning anal sex stems from my previous marital relationship:
my ex kept trying to push it on me, once upon a time, and was much like a bull elephant in a china shop, not one to go slowly and gently, or offer much by way of consideration.
@221 seandr: Thanks so much. I look and feel SO much better exactly half my life later, after the physical intensity of U.S. Navy bootcamp training back in the military barbed-wire jungles of Orlando, Florida in '89--so why do I suddenly feel so insecure now? Fear of intimacy?
@222 nocutename: Thanks so much for the additionally helpful lubricant suggestions. There is a sex supply shop north of town where I live; I can try there.
@226 Cat in fez: I agree. And therein lies my biggest problem with adjusting to today's dating environment, and partly why I'm hesitant to try dating again, anytime soon. It appears that most heterosexual guys in their 50's are primarily seeking women in their 20's and 30's who can and will bear them children (i.e.: SAP).
Apr 13 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
re @215: Dammit! Not again! *sigh*
Make that "....however, it was a two-way street there)."

I gotta go to bed.
Good night and God bless.
Apr 13 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@212 nocutename: Okay---I'm on the right track. I do use my fingers often when masturbating and that helps. I agree, too, about your advising that I not rush out seeking a sex partner yet. It might take a long while for me to get where I want to be sexually. And I honestly don't know of any man right away who could immediately help me, and just be gentle, patient, understanding and accepting of ....me. As I am, and somehow grow and develop with me instead of trying to turn me into someone I'm clearly not (I'm equally guilty of making the same mistake with my previous two sex partners, however. It was indeed, a two-wat street there).

You know what's weird? I really thought I was truly over the bullying and bullshit I had once faced in public school after all these years. I let it go. And then, bizarrely, as if on some magic cue, about three months ago I got two Facebook Friend requests online from two total creeps--genuine lowlife scum---from my class who gleefully tormented me enough to actually make me miss school. No big deal, I simply deleted their requests and fortunately haven't heard from either guy since.
But I really feel for teens these days---geez!! Cyber-bullying?!? WTF??

Yeah--I hear you. Taking this slowly is definitely the way to go.

@213 seandr: Thanks--I'll keep that in mind, but for now, I'm more in agreement with nocutename. I've serious sexual healing to do before considering dating anyone yet.

Apr 13 auntie grizelda commented on Savage Love.
@210 nocutename: Thank you and bless you for your helpful and kind suggestions! Is there any particular brand of lubricant you think I should try (i.e: K-Y)? I fervently agree that going slowly, if at all, is best. *sigh* I don't know...sometimes I really DO feel almost eighteen again after my recent weight loss (about 45 lbs now), and I find that a little disquieting.
After my HS graduation back in the day, I became yet another national statistic, experiencing anorexia nervosa (no history of bulimia and puking, though, thankfully). After being bullied in jr. high & high school mostly due to being overweight then as well as shy, boys who once went out of their way to be cruel and couldn't get paid enough to ask me out were suddenly "noticing" me. Talk about a mind fuck!

As you can see, I have not had a lot of success with guys in the past. I suppose this could have something to do with my giving up after just two heterosexual partners. (I wasn't kidding about feeling a little like Sissy Spacek's title role portrayal of "Carrie", though I don't have telekinetic abilities, didn't have a dangerously right-wing religious nutcase of a mother and didn't waste my prom).
In addition to being musically active, I do have a wonderful place to quietly go and just temporarily let the rest of the world go by when life gets overwhelming.
I sit in my sweet little car. I feel love, warmth, and acceptance there. This allows me to relax, meditate, and clear my thoughts (marijuana use probably wouldn't be a good idea for me, but I'm game for a little red wine).
You're right---I have completely stopped doing anything sexual other than masturbation since my divorce. I have felt the need to re-evaluate my life from my past mistakes, and indeed, proceed slowly, hoping that my painful history doesn't repeat itself.
Bless you, nocutename, and thanks.
:) Griz


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