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Eva Hopkins
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I'm a writer & artist with experience in the comic book industry I'm also a… more »

TMI

  • SF or LA
  • I hate living in Seattle or I wish I lived in Seattle
  • Barsuk or Fantagraphics
  • Dan Savage or Charles Mudede
  • God is: a bullet, have mercy on us, everyone."

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Eva Hopkins is drawing. .
Aug 19 Eva Hopkins commented on SL Letter of the Day: Potential Murder, She Wrote.
I'm just another voice on top of many, but let me add it.

RUN GIRL. Well, walk. Take all the precautions others have specified above. Decide a small bag of stuff you can't live without, figure a stealthy way to get it out of the house, & then go. As 121 said, if everyone's danger-meter is off, that's something that can be worked out later, when you're safe. It's not unreasonable to flee someone who's confessed that they fantasize about killing you, FFS.

I know you feel guilty for leaving. It'll be freaking hard. But you need to.

I was with someone abusive many years ago. It was the same in how the behavior escalated, with me not noticing it until it had gotten very stark/threatening. I'm lucky because I left soon after he pushed me (though still spent too many years w/ him). The girl after me? He beat her in the face & pushed her down the stairs in front of her child. She's lucky to be alive. I know my ex's fascination with horror, & with serial killers, & porn. I'm not an anti-porn person, but his being utterly steeped in all thee of those, & rhapsodizing aloud, when angry, about how he'd like to violently end (fill in blank with is enemy du jour)..well, some days I feel lucky to be alive, as well.

These are signs of deep mental instability. They won't change without some kind of intervention, be it legal (police) or psychological (intense therapy / drugs / being hospitalized). That's not your problem now. Put on your very best game face, be warm & friendly, but initiate a sub-routine plan for yourself on when to go (once he's left for work is good), how to not let him know you're leaving, what to take & especially the advice about collecting numbers you'll need while not on a shared computer or anything he could find.

& please, check back in w/ Dan to let us know how you are.
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Aug 19 Eva Hopkins commented on SL Letter of the Day: Judgement Daze.
IDK how it is for men, because I'm not a man, but as a woman - yeah. Much much judgement if you choose to not have children. Won't say more or less, but it sucks. I get that conversation right out of the way, both with friends & prospective partners, right away. Nope, not havin' kids. Why yes, I have big birthin' hips. Let's move along.

I've always thought that we'd all be so much happier if people just accepted our families / households as we choose them to be, or accept them to be. Triad, couple, single, many relatives - whoever you want under your roof & in your bed, or not = your business, & we should recognize all forms of that as equally valid. :) Solitary doesn't mean sad; alone is not the same as lonely.

Whether I'm partnered or single I tend to spend a lot of time exploring places on my own, including sometimes sitting & buying myself a meal somewhere or a cuppa coffee, etc. & the *awkwardness* of some servers / managers when seating a single person, takin' themselves out. it's sad. I usually go at off-peak times when I decide to do this & bring a book to make it easier on 'em - & me.

There was one deli I loved in upstate NY, had my favorite salad & iced coffee drink & cute tattooed servers. Over time, I was able to gently sway the various hosts/hostesses to say, "One today?" or "table for one?" as opposed to "Just one today?", with there always being this sad kinda emphasis on the "just". ;) sometimes when we live alone, part of the experience of going out to eat is socializing a little with others at a minimum safe distance. A small thing, but some days it kinda made my afternoon.

Dan gives good advice, SNAP, for anyone. LBGTTQ etc, hetero, partnered, single, triaded, etc. Live a good full life. Haters to the right as you walk on by them. If you've never seen Downton Abby, go look up the Dowager Countess & practice giving people that down-the-nose stare when they ask you inappropriate stuff or proffer their non-asked-for judgements on your life. Or, feel free to regale them with tales of sleeping in, or a fine bottle of wine, or some other awesome thing you did recently. IDK. Work on letting it bother you less. Life is short!

& speaking of that..Dan..wow, are you ever a product of your Catholic upbringing! We share that early Catholic morbidity thing. Lots of death on the mind.
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Aug 5 Eva Hopkins commented on SL Letter of the Day: Tough Choice.
It's kinda earth-shattering to realize that "everything we thought was wrong". When you get together with someone while you're still young & sorting yourself out, it's hard to have any concept of what you'd be like without that person in your life.

The problem with telling LOVE to DTMFA, although I agree in spirit, is that if she's been isolated from her friend sby her husband, & pretty much the only friends she has are through her Master, then that's some pretty slim pickin's to have somewhere to *go*, once she leave her husband. Which I hope she does! There's bound to be people she could be happier with.

In an ideal world, LOVE would have family or a friend she can stay with while she recovers from the shock of the new, & the divorce, & everything. I think it'd be much healthier for her to have some time on her own before possibly committing to her Master full time. But if the choice for her is either/or, sure, "choose" the Master..just please, don't move in with him right away, if possible, LOVE.

Also, before you take this leap she should let her Master know, because it's easy to be super hot & everything on weekends because - like someone said above - the situation has self-imposed limits.

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Aug 5 Eva Hopkins commented on Why Do You Listen to Music?.
I only chose "other" cause my feelings about music are really "all of the above", depending on the situation.

Soundtrack to life!
Aug 4 Eva Hopkins commented on SL Letter of the Day: This Cheater Will Never Stop Cheating.
Proofreadin' - there should be a space between "gonna" & "hafta" in the first paragraph of the response. Same paragraph, couple of sentences later, the comma should be after "life", not after "sex".

Pick them nits, yes I do..used to do a bunch of editing, & that stuff jumps out at me.

To the LW/TSM: you will find love - or at the very least, lust - again, I promise. But to get healthy, you should be on your own for awhile first. The likely reasons for your attraction to the no-goodnik father of your kids are obvious: history, drama, excitement. But you know this isn't good for you, your kids or your relationship with your family. Definitely get a lawyer, FFS. You have your kids' future to think of & both parents should contribute to their care. Also: you are in a situation that provides you support. Don't fuck it up by getting involved with this toxic man, again. You have some hard work ahead: you've essentially got to unprogram yourself from the punishment-&-then-sweet-reward cycle you have going. But you can, & you should, & you should start right now. you have to feel like you deserve better than this, so, work on that before looking for someone new.

Also, while in the process of getting a lawyer, tell your folks what's going on & just..don't get his texts or calls for a few days while you sort all this out IDK what your child visitation arrangements are, if there are any, but just stick to that and don't get yourself into the familiar situation where you sneak off & see this guy. Your body is 100% yours..why share it with someone who's only gonna cause you pain in the long run? Escape your soap opera. You can do it.

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Aug 4 Eva Hopkins commented on Savage Love.
@ 149 - how droll you are.

Of course I'd *ask*. I also date women, so, nice sexist assumption on your part. Someone *can* approach it however they want. My view is that the person who has an unusual situation in dating is the one who has the onus on them to be upfront about it.

SHOP would get what he wanted easier in the long run if the did the work necessary to attain it. Maybe he wouldn't get as many first "dates" but the ones he got would be with women who were looking for exactly what he's offering, instead of a relationship-type bait-n-switch.

That would be equally true if SHOP was female.

If you are in a non-traditional dating situation (IE, poly, open, or some other variant of not emotionally available for a FT thing) but you're on a dating site for hookups, someone respectful of the other party's time would bring that up early.

Different strokes for different folks, YMMV, etc. Just said it's what *I* would do & expect. If whatever you tell people is working for you, hey, you go with your bad self.

Also, @149, gnot @ 151 - 153 has some comments for you.
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Aug 4 Eva Hopkins commented on Savage Love.
Edited to add:

"If I was on the dating scene again right now & someone let me have 3 dates without somehow working that kinda info into the conversation, I wouldn't see them again after."

(That sentence towards the end, there, lacks the word "info". Hah, no advice column *for me*, I make typos.)
Aug 4 Eva Hopkins commented on Savage Love.
I also must hope that Mr. Ven feels better soon. I'll raise my cuppa towards the west today, you're out there somewhere, ya?

Dan..yeesh, 2 out of 3 I disagree with you this week. I hope you've loving vacation & everything - thanks for the RT on Twitter, also! <3 - but this week seems like ya phoned it in, a little?

I wass gonna make some crack about how part of the vacation musta been in Amsterdam, but pot's legal in Seattle now.

BESTS & BESTS BFF only get an amused slap on the wrist for endangering BESTS's BFF's GF? (Whew!) C'moooooon. I know I'm an old, & I know hookup culture is way different than my college days. Even if you're feeling kind of nostalgic for those years for yourself putting someone else's sexual health at risk is not OK & the first thing you shoulda told BESTS was to make sure everyone involved is using protection.

Also - sorry everyone else (well almost) but I agree with Ms. Cute about SHOP's letter. IDK if this is because I'm female, or not legally married, or because in my OK Cupid adventures I've been burned by people lying, but I'm all about full disclosure about many things: even if I think it's gonna be just one night or even if I think it means I won't get with that cute girl or guy. *Unless otherwise specifically mentioned in their profile*, when I was trucking off to meet some new people for a meetup (we used to call them dates), I assumed they were single. There was one guy who had a GF, but was looking for a secondary? & kids. Their situation was too complicated for me at the time, but I appreciated so much that he was upfront about it all. He was pretty fine. I couldn't ninja at that level.

Anyhow. I may need a sweater with elbow patches to chase you kids off my lawn, but I'm Team Disclosure. I think this guy should just roll out personals that specify his situation, & work a little harder to get what he really wants, from someone who wants that too.

If I was on the dating scene again right now & someone let me have 3 dates without somehow working that kinda into the conversation, I wouldn't see them again after. That would waste my time & their time. Why do that?

Dan..I so rarely disagree with you..!..but not loving it, this week.

...but enjoy Venice, etc. I'm sure part of my interpretation of the advice writing is my sour grapes at not traveling, myself. ;)

PS - Maybe next time you travel you can assign a regular slogger a day to cover the SLLOTD's. There was some wild disagreement with the guest advice-givers. I bet Fnarf would give pretty good advice & so would Ophian..hearing the advice in different voices would be fun. Maybe not as good as yours or Abby's or sometimes Sugar's & yeah, I'll admit it..I've cheated on you with Dear Prudence, Dan.

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Jul 22 Eva Hopkins commented on Savage Love.
I agree w/ @4.

LW #2 / NSA: Whether you talk to HR or not depends on the environment of your office. It's understandable that you wouldn't want people to view you as a predatory older dude who creeps on younger guys (to be clear, I'm not saying *I* have this view, I'm suggesting you/they might). But you're going to be in a position of authority over this bright young up & comer. (Ugh, sorry.) If your office atmosphere is conservative & you have real fear of some kind of recrimination for saying anything, then don't. Follow the other part of Dan's advice & be professional, & document the hell out of every interaction you have with the new hire until the end of his internship. I wouldn't even say anything more than "nice to see you again" F2F with an immediate change of subject later. Corporate culture makes me twitchy, though.

If you're out at the office, you feel HR wouldn't judge you harshly, & you just wanna CYA (Cover Your Ass), then I don't think it'd be a bad idea to say something neutral to HR, like: you wanted them to have a heads-up, as you would be New Hire's direct supervisor, that you'd met him awhile back socially. Don't give them more detail than that. You don't think it's going to affect your professional interactions with him, but you wanted them to know. You're taking the role of a good team player. They may decide to have someone else supervise him, or they may decide not to hire him after all. I know you want to be fair to the career of this promising guy, but hopefully he's so qualified that even if that scenario played itself out, he'd be able to land a gig elsewhere. & if things do pan out that way, resist the urge to contact/console Potential Intern. He might not be the kind of guy to bring up discrimination charges if he doesn't get hired because of your previous fling..I admit it's a stretch..but since that nurse applied for a job at a family planning clinic who then wouldn't agree to distribute birth control - ie, she obviously applied so that she could sue - I don't put much past people.

I'm paranoid, though, so - YMMV.

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Jul 15 Eva Hopkins commented on Savage Love.
First LW / BROs, question #2 - @6, Mr. Vennominon has a good idea..maybe suss out more of why she wants to go? Have you guys negotiated funtime rules where she can play with girls? Maybe she's trying to be a Katy Perry song - "I Kissed a Girl" - to turn you on. Not all girls are up/down for that; many lesbians don't play with bi girls at all, let alone one w/ her SO in tow. Also, does she think because she's bi, that you might be?

If it's just lookin' & having a few drinks, that's a different story.

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