Jun 14
Ms. D commented on Why Street Harassment Matters.
@114, they *were* cute. The town was small enough that it's likely most of its residents have never seen a Westerner, my co-worker is beautiful and exotic-looking (half Irish and half Brazilian (think beautiful light chestnut skin and curly, dark, rich hair), and tall as all get out, something like 5'10), and I am PALE as heck, which is apparently desirable in China. The look on their faces was priceless. If only "street harassment" could look like a shy hello in the US and SO many other places.
Jun 13
Ms. D commented on Why Street Harassment Matters.
@111, I'll add China and Vietnam to the list of places I've been where there's NO street harassment, at least that I've seen, in dozens of visits, even while alone on the street. The closest we've ever come was walking down the street in a small-ish Chinese town (me & a female co-worker), and two young-ish (early 20's?) guys stared bug-eyed at us, and several feet after we passed apparently mustered up the courage to yell "hello!" after us. We turned, smiled, and waved, and they blushed and ran off. Showing off their English skills and all, I guess. No, seriously, that's the closest I've come to harassment. Though there are a goodly number of relatively aggressive, "solicitous" women in major cities. But, of course, they're looking to get paid to pay attention to men.
Jun 13
Ms. D commented on Why Street Harassment Matters.
Okay, YGBKM, we're not going to necessarily reach horny 18-year-old cretins who think they're being cool. But let me relate the worst story of all time (in my life) to you.
Several of my friends run a charity fundraising outfit, holding events for guest charities to help them raise money. I go to many of these events to both help these charities and because I'm generally in the company of intelligent, thoughtful, charitable people, and have made many friends and connections through these events. A couple years ago, I went to one of these events, and the sponsored charity was one that helps poorer college kids fund internships (through help with living costs and logistics) here in DC. Pretty cool, as I was once a broke intern and would have LOVED even a little help figuring out a city I had spent exactly 8 hours in prior to arriving for my internship. At one point, I went up to the bar, got a drink, and a guy grabbed my arm on the way back to my table and asked me if I was one of their "kids." I said no and kept walking. I do look kind of young, and this was YEARS ago, so I just brushed it off as someone interested in talking to those who the charity helped. Well, as the night wore on and everyone imbibed a little more, the guy repping the charity at the event came up to me and said "sorry about my friend, he promised us a large donation if he could take one of our kids home" and then proceeded to insinuate that dude was still interested in making that donation in exchange for a night with me, you know, if I was down with that. Here are two educated, well-employed adults, making an agreement to send a young woman home with a guy in exchange for a donation, and are even willing to admit that to their intended target.
So, ya know, it's not just low-class, low-rent, young, whatever guys who openly treat women like pieces of meat there only for their use and pleasure. This story is certainly shocking, but it's far from the only time that men who by their age and socio-economic status should know better have engaged in patriarcal behaviors towards me. MOST of the men who have harassed me have been AT LEAST over 30. A goodly number of them have been well dressed, well employed, well educated, etc. While my friend who runs the fundraising organization was kicking these douches out, they made all the excuses made here..."come on, man, it's a compliment!" "she could have just said no!" "we're just joking around here...all in good fun!" "I was just trying to hook my man up with a hot piece of ass!" And then proceeded to do what the street urchins do, at a higher level. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving the organization my business card up front, and I got emails for WEEKS calling me all sorts of crude insults, until I contacted our IT security department and THEY wrote back saying that they'd be turning the emails over to the authorities if the harassment continued. All because I couldn't be convinced to sleep with a stranger for a donation to a "charity."
So, overall, keep telling yourself that it's just low-class people who have never been taught good manners.
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Several of my friends run a charity fundraising outfit, holding events for guest charities to help them raise money. I go to many of these events to both help these charities and because I'm generally in the company of intelligent, thoughtful, charitable people, and have made many friends and connections through these events. A couple years ago, I went to one of these events, and the sponsored charity was one that helps poorer college kids fund internships (through help with living costs and logistics) here in DC. Pretty cool, as I was once a broke intern and would have LOVED even a little help figuring out a city I had spent exactly 8 hours in prior to arriving for my internship. At one point, I went up to the bar, got a drink, and a guy grabbed my arm on the way back to my table and asked me if I was one of their "kids." I said no and kept walking. I do look kind of young, and this was YEARS ago, so I just brushed it off as someone interested in talking to those who the charity helped. Well, as the night wore on and everyone imbibed a little more, the guy repping the charity at the event came up to me and said "sorry about my friend, he promised us a large donation if he could take one of our kids home" and then proceeded to insinuate that dude was still interested in making that donation in exchange for a night with me, you know, if I was down with that. Here are two educated, well-employed adults, making an agreement to send a young woman home with a guy in exchange for a donation, and are even willing to admit that to their intended target.
So, ya know, it's not just low-class, low-rent, young, whatever guys who openly treat women like pieces of meat there only for their use and pleasure. This story is certainly shocking, but it's far from the only time that men who by their age and socio-economic status should know better have engaged in patriarcal behaviors towards me. MOST of the men who have harassed me have been AT LEAST over 30. A goodly number of them have been well dressed, well employed, well educated, etc. While my friend who runs the fundraising organization was kicking these douches out, they made all the excuses made here..."come on, man, it's a compliment!" "she could have just said no!" "we're just joking around here...all in good fun!" "I was just trying to hook my man up with a hot piece of ass!" And then proceeded to do what the street urchins do, at a higher level. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving the organization my business card up front, and I got emails for WEEKS calling me all sorts of crude insults, until I contacted our IT security department and THEY wrote back saying that they'd be turning the emails over to the authorities if the harassment continued. All because I couldn't be convinced to sleep with a stranger for a donation to a "charity."
So, overall, keep telling yourself that it's just low-class people who have never been taught good manners.
Jun 11
Ms. D commented on Street Harassment.
@6...um...go ahead and write an article blaming the perpetrators of child abuse. I don't think anyone would have a problem with "listen here, people who beat, berate, or otherwise abuse children, YOU are the problem. That kid did nothing to deserve your shitty treatment." That is, after all, the truth, and it does not matter for a second who the major perpetrators of the abuse are. If a woman abuses her child (even emotionally), the child can be removed from her care, she can be charged criminally, and she can be ordered to do all kinds of things like participate in therapy or stay away from ALL children - even if that costs her her job or any convenience she could conceive.
And no one who makes a harassing move is "an appropriate suitor." Pick-up lines don't really work, either, now do they? These guys aren't yelling "hey, how was your day?" or "would you like to get a cup of coffee and discuss the politics of Obama's approach to Syria?" SMDH that people still don't get this. MAKING AN APPROACH TO SOMEONE WHO YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN DATING THAT ACKNOWLEDGES THEM AS A WHOLE, INTELLIGENT HUMAN BEING IS NOTHING LIKE HARASSMENT. They look totally different. Of course, if you're constantly getting shot down while trying to interest someone in dating you, well...you probably don't know the difference.
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And no one who makes a harassing move is "an appropriate suitor." Pick-up lines don't really work, either, now do they? These guys aren't yelling "hey, how was your day?" or "would you like to get a cup of coffee and discuss the politics of Obama's approach to Syria?" SMDH that people still don't get this. MAKING AN APPROACH TO SOMEONE WHO YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN DATING THAT ACKNOWLEDGES THEM AS A WHOLE, INTELLIGENT HUMAN BEING IS NOTHING LIKE HARASSMENT. They look totally different. Of course, if you're constantly getting shot down while trying to interest someone in dating you, well...you probably don't know the difference.
Jun 11
Ms. D commented on Why Street Harassment Matters.
Damnit...and here I thought the middle-aged carnie who asked a pudgy 13-year-old version of myself whether there was room for two in my shirt really thought I was hot stuff and wanted ME to know it. A self-esteem boost, ya know? I thought he could tell how insecure my changing body made me feel, and wanted me to know what an asset I had in my new, very large for my age, boobs.
And the drunk guy pissing openly (no, not behind a bush...right on the sidewalk in a busy shopping center in broad daylight) in public a few weeks ago...he just wanted to brighten my day by suggesting I come over and "give him some sugar." He probably meant talk to his penis, right? That's why he shook it at me, right? I bet his penis wanted to hear all about the amazing program I wrote at work that day!
And none of this is why I found myself lunging out of the way of a friendly, common-as-hell-in-sports, ass slap from one of my teammates this weekend, of course. I probably just thought he hit my male teammate coming off the field before me too hard, and that it would sting. Nor is it why I spend half my commute silently berating myself if I forget my sunglasses and/or headphones, trying to shove myself as low in the subway seat as possible, crossing the street away from stopped cars as much as possible, or keeping my eyes fixed as hard as I can on the ground while walking.
And what is the penalty for this behavior? Well, the penis-flashing guy *could* have been arrested, if I were willing and/or able (personally, I did have my cell phone with me, but not everyone even HAS a cell phone) to call the police, stick around in the vicinity of the offender and wait for them to show up, try to convince another witness to stick around (otherwise, it's just he-said, she-said, after all), and he didn't flee before they arrived. Otherwise, at least over here in the "other" Washington, the police have directly told me that anything short of directly threatening behavior or speech is not a crime. "Room for two in that shirt?" Not a threat to actually do anything. Following someone? The police can stop them, but if they can't prove any intent to commit an assault (or at least overtly menace), they can't charge them with anything. Simple as "bitch be crazy...this is a public sidewalk, no? Ain't I allowed to walk the same direction as a female?" and you're out of jail free. Threatening to actually perform a sexual assault is a crime, there's *some* room for interpretation if the offender mentions sexual activities (though the look on the officer's face told me that anything short of VERY GRAPHIC language wouldn't cut the mustard), and actually touching/flashing someone is a crime. Otherwise, a group of men hooting or even engaging in "lightly" menacing behavior (following, for example) a woman is not criminal, and all I can do is block them out, ignore them (all the while being vigilant because even the slightest lack of vigilance makes it, at least partly, "my fault" if I am assaulted), and carry my pepper spray...just in case.
If that ain't "privilege" to do whatever they damn well please at my, and every other woman's, expense, I don't know what is... But, hey, if it makes them feel like a nice, big, strapping man who is in CONTROL of this world, it must be okay, right? MY self-esteem is utterly unimportant, and if a man needs an ego boost, he should feel free to use me to achieve it.
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And the drunk guy pissing openly (no, not behind a bush...right on the sidewalk in a busy shopping center in broad daylight) in public a few weeks ago...he just wanted to brighten my day by suggesting I come over and "give him some sugar." He probably meant talk to his penis, right? That's why he shook it at me, right? I bet his penis wanted to hear all about the amazing program I wrote at work that day!
And none of this is why I found myself lunging out of the way of a friendly, common-as-hell-in-sports, ass slap from one of my teammates this weekend, of course. I probably just thought he hit my male teammate coming off the field before me too hard, and that it would sting. Nor is it why I spend half my commute silently berating myself if I forget my sunglasses and/or headphones, trying to shove myself as low in the subway seat as possible, crossing the street away from stopped cars as much as possible, or keeping my eyes fixed as hard as I can on the ground while walking.
And what is the penalty for this behavior? Well, the penis-flashing guy *could* have been arrested, if I were willing and/or able (personally, I did have my cell phone with me, but not everyone even HAS a cell phone) to call the police, stick around in the vicinity of the offender and wait for them to show up, try to convince another witness to stick around (otherwise, it's just he-said, she-said, after all), and he didn't flee before they arrived. Otherwise, at least over here in the "other" Washington, the police have directly told me that anything short of directly threatening behavior or speech is not a crime. "Room for two in that shirt?" Not a threat to actually do anything. Following someone? The police can stop them, but if they can't prove any intent to commit an assault (or at least overtly menace), they can't charge them with anything. Simple as "bitch be crazy...this is a public sidewalk, no? Ain't I allowed to walk the same direction as a female?" and you're out of jail free. Threatening to actually perform a sexual assault is a crime, there's *some* room for interpretation if the offender mentions sexual activities (though the look on the officer's face told me that anything short of VERY GRAPHIC language wouldn't cut the mustard), and actually touching/flashing someone is a crime. Otherwise, a group of men hooting or even engaging in "lightly" menacing behavior (following, for example) a woman is not criminal, and all I can do is block them out, ignore them (all the while being vigilant because even the slightest lack of vigilance makes it, at least partly, "my fault" if I am assaulted), and carry my pepper spray...just in case.
If that ain't "privilege" to do whatever they damn well please at my, and every other woman's, expense, I don't know what is... But, hey, if it makes them feel like a nice, big, strapping man who is in CONTROL of this world, it must be okay, right? MY self-esteem is utterly unimportant, and if a man needs an ego boost, he should feel free to use me to achieve it.
Jun 9
Ms. D commented on If That Former Green Beret and Iraq War Vet Had Been Armed He Could Have Protected Himself From....
Hm...I've had this conversation a number of times:
"Oh, hey, good to see you. You brought your kid! Stay right here (just inside the door) and keep a hand on them for a minute."
:Goes through house and removes glass, kitchen knives, medications, and anything else breakable and/or dangerous from kid's reach (including dog food & water bowls...man kids love to make a mess with those), and/or shuts doors to rooms (which I could also lock if I needed to...little prong key is on top of the door frame).:
"So...come on in and sit...how's it going?"
But I don't have a gun, so obviously this wouldn't work if I did. I know my house isn't child-proofed in any way, and so do my friends, so I think they're forgiving of my need to step away for a second and keep their kiddo safe.
"Oh, hey, good to see you. You brought your kid! Stay right here (just inside the door) and keep a hand on them for a minute."
:Goes through house and removes glass, kitchen knives, medications, and anything else breakable and/or dangerous from kid's reach (including dog food & water bowls...man kids love to make a mess with those), and/or shuts doors to rooms (which I could also lock if I needed to...little prong key is on top of the door frame).:
"So...come on in and sit...how's it going?"
But I don't have a gun, so obviously this wouldn't work if I did. I know my house isn't child-proofed in any way, and so do my friends, so I think they're forgiving of my need to step away for a second and keep their kiddo safe.
Jun 7
Ms. D commented on Why I Ride Fearlessly Without A Helmet.
To those of you saying "wait 'til you have a major accident and become a vegetable"...guess what, we're actually pretty resilient creatures. I've smashed my face into the pavement at a high rate of speed (best guess is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25...I was going down a decently steep hill on a racing bike), sans helmet, and the only thing I have to show for it today is two veneers and a lip scar. Yes, I was knocked unconscious. Yes, I probably suffered a minor concussion. But I did *NOT* suffer any permanent brain injury. I didn't even see a doctor until the next day. The impact was probably less severe than many (even restrained) passengers in motor vehicle collisions sustain. My brother had to spend the night in the hospital due to a head injury after my dad's car was broadsided...my dad had his head surgically repaired and spent a week in the hospital...surrounded by thousands of pounds of steel and strapped to their seats, they were injured worse than I was.
Not that tragedies don't happen. I know someone who died, after being in a PVS for a few weeks, after simply falling backwards and banging her head on the stairs. But my point is that we don't walk around wearing helmets in our homes, or while traveling as pedestrians, or while grocery shopping (those shelves are heavy, and if they fall!), or even while doing one of the most dangerous things any of us will ever do: traveling by personal motor vehicle. Depending on where and how you bike, it's no more dangerous than most day-to-day activities.
Wear a helmet if you want, but it's kind of asinine to insist other adults be criminally charged for choosing not to do so. It's a waste of enforcement resources, and, yes, reduces biking, dampening the #1 thing that improves cyclist safety (numbers). Education, passion, whatever...have at it. I've got no reason to be upset at someone who preaches at me about helmets, but I draw the line at criminalizing not wearing one. Most states don't even have cell phone use bans for drivers (I know, that's shocking, but only 11 states & DC ban handheld use), and you're throwing a primary offense at helmet-less riders?
Also, on the topic of cyclists needing to be 100% law-abiding, how about we go for a drive sometime? If you break one SINGLE traffic law, even a little, you're not allowed to talk anymore. I will enjoy watching you attempt to drive exactly 25 MPH... At the end of the day, a car making a "California stop" at 5+ MPH is a whole heck of a lot more dangerous than a cyclist making an "Idaho stop" at <5 MPH. And let me just tell you which one I see more (by number, not percentage, since numbers, not percentages, make crossing the street dangerous)...
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Not that tragedies don't happen. I know someone who died, after being in a PVS for a few weeks, after simply falling backwards and banging her head on the stairs. But my point is that we don't walk around wearing helmets in our homes, or while traveling as pedestrians, or while grocery shopping (those shelves are heavy, and if they fall!), or even while doing one of the most dangerous things any of us will ever do: traveling by personal motor vehicle. Depending on where and how you bike, it's no more dangerous than most day-to-day activities.
Wear a helmet if you want, but it's kind of asinine to insist other adults be criminally charged for choosing not to do so. It's a waste of enforcement resources, and, yes, reduces biking, dampening the #1 thing that improves cyclist safety (numbers). Education, passion, whatever...have at it. I've got no reason to be upset at someone who preaches at me about helmets, but I draw the line at criminalizing not wearing one. Most states don't even have cell phone use bans for drivers (I know, that's shocking, but only 11 states & DC ban handheld use), and you're throwing a primary offense at helmet-less riders?
Also, on the topic of cyclists needing to be 100% law-abiding, how about we go for a drive sometime? If you break one SINGLE traffic law, even a little, you're not allowed to talk anymore. I will enjoy watching you attempt to drive exactly 25 MPH... At the end of the day, a car making a "California stop" at 5+ MPH is a whole heck of a lot more dangerous than a cyclist making an "Idaho stop" at <5 MPH. And let me just tell you which one I see more (by number, not percentage, since numbers, not percentages, make crossing the street dangerous)...
May 31
Ms. D commented on Largest Bike Share Program in America Launches in NYC.
Using today's bike count in London (which is nearly double the initial count), over those 3 years, each bike is ridden an average of over 2 times a day. Of course, as we see here in DC, some stations are more popular than others. The station near my office is quite popular with both tourists and commuters, so I queue up the app 30 minutes before my "drop dead" time to leave the office, and race out the door to grab a bike when it hits 5 bikes left. Sometimes, I still don't get one (not too much worry, there's another station that is slightly less popular 3 blocks away). Ridership also tends to grow with time, so if you were there early on, sure, it was less-used than it is today. But the facts belie your eyes during one week in a small portion of the city. The fact that, over all sharing systems, ridership tends to be higher on weekdays and during rush hour also belies the idea that it's a tourist trap. Sure, there are FAR more "casual" tourist members than annual members here and I'm sure just about everywhere else. But when I go to Minneapolis later this summer and use bike share with my annual-member friend who lives there, I will use it for 3 days, versus the months and months out of the year he uses it. Same goes for tourists here and everywhere else. Particularly in DC, where it's possible to bike almost year-round, it takes 50+ casual, short-term members to equal the use of one annual member. There are NOT 50x more casual members than subscription members.
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May 31
Ms. D commented on "Supersize My Salary Now!".
Also, I agree that, with the way things are today, minimum wage is bunk. During the labor shortage of the late '90's, McD's workers were making nearly double minimum wage in my city, and a burger didn't cost $10. I could have made more money flipping burgers than I did at that paid undergrad internship I mentioned (almost $10/hour versus just over $7). It's all going up top and to shareholders these days, and while TRULY middle-class folks can grab a little piece of that sometimes (by investing), the folks behind the counter are getting screwed. I'd take a lower dividend on my investments if the worker I was earning that dividend on the back of wasn't reliant on public assistance, even working full-time. In the end, that will save me money, since there's far less bureaucracy cost involved in paying workers a wage they can actually get by on than paying them so little that we have to support a massive welfare state so they can afford to eat.
May 31
Ms. D commented on "Supersize My Salary Now!".
@43, I'd tend to argue that THAT little fact is because paid internships are more competitive, and therefore more qualified people get them. I did a paid internship one summer in undergrad and to cap my grad school career. I was one of 15 interns hired for the well-paid grad-school internship, out of a pool of over 1300 applicants. My undergrad, (low) paid internship had 500 applicants for 25 positions. Despite the crappy job market we've had for a while, I've never faced those odds of getting hired before or since. My unpaid internship had 12 applicants for 2 positions. My first real job (right after the well-paid internship) had 90 applicants for 5 positions. Both a piece of cake compared to the wringer I went through to get that (well-worth-it) grad-school internship, and the somewhat intense process for the first paid one.
Bonus, my interviewing skills were VERY good after the first paid internship, and legendary after the *5* interviews I did for the well-paid grad-school one. In fact, about a year after I started the first real job, I was happy houring with one of the people who hired me, and he drunkenly confessed that I was the *last* person they called for an interview based on my "paper," and *FIRST* selection for hire after the interview.
Correlation, causation, you know what they say...plus the bonus of learning lots of skills. Unpaid, low-paid, well-paid, I learned A LOT in each of these positions. I just busted hump to make the unpaid and low-paid ones work. You're only young and able to stomach 80+ hour weeks (interning 40 and working 40+) and crappy living conditions for a few months at a time (really, those 7 months were tough, but didn't kill me) once.
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Bonus, my interviewing skills were VERY good after the first paid internship, and legendary after the *5* interviews I did for the well-paid grad-school one. In fact, about a year after I started the first real job, I was happy houring with one of the people who hired me, and he drunkenly confessed that I was the *last* person they called for an interview based on my "paper," and *FIRST* selection for hire after the interview.
Correlation, causation, you know what they say...plus the bonus of learning lots of skills. Unpaid, low-paid, well-paid, I learned A LOT in each of these positions. I just busted hump to make the unpaid and low-paid ones work. You're only young and able to stomach 80+ hour weeks (interning 40 and working 40+) and crappy living conditions for a few months at a time (really, those 7 months were tough, but didn't kill me) once.
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