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4:21 PM yesterday EricaP commented on Savage Love.
PAIN's girlfriend has not broken up with him, nor does it sound like he wants to break things off with her. So I'm not really understanding why Dan says they have to break up (at least for the time she's in LA).

Yes, she cheated on him, but she confessed on her own, and I see that decision to reveal her real sexuality as part of deepening intimate relationship between them, rather than simply unloading her guilt. If she wanted out, she could have skipped confessing about the cheating, and simply broken things off on her way to LA.

PAIN should give her his blessing, and tell her he'll have adventures while she's gone. Of course, they may break up after her trip, but any relationship can end. I just don't see why they should end this one now, rather than opening it (at least temporarily, for her to have the experiences she craves).
8:28 AM yesterday EricaP commented on Savage Love.
@Registered European, thanks for thinking of me warmly last week!

Fichu @9 and nocutename @10, agreed.

I'm also paying attention to the ifs in CPOS's original letter: "if I'm certain this was a one-time thing, and if I'm convinced that I'm happy with my fiancée, I should keep quiet."

"If," not "since."

It's great that CPOS is in therapy. Instead of talking about confessing or not, I think he and his therapist should be analyzing why he was so determined to cheat that a difficult conversation with his fiancee about his dating app didn't deter him. Maybe he was trying to explode the relationship; if so, then he should try to figure out why his subconscious might not be willing to commit to this woman. There may be a substantive sexual or non-sexual incompatibility and he should figure that out before they get married.

For UGHERS, I would encourage her to see if she can help spark some fantasies she finds more tolerable. She says their sex life is fulfilling, but it sounds like he has some sort of cuckold tendencies and thinks about being replaced by someone younger, buffer, and maybe with a larger cock.

If she's willing to talk in bed about cuckolding him, he may find that hot without the racial aspect, and then that could bring them closer together. Insisting that he appreciate his own big white belly and bald head as she does may be missing an opportunity to play with how he has managed to eroticize his insecurities.
Aug 24 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
I love my Realdoe, in combination with the Tomboi underwear harness. Together those are about $170 on Amazon. (And, no, I have no relationship with the manufacturers, I just love the products.) But because the Realdoe goes inside me and performs like part of my body, and because the Tomboi is basically underwear, I've always thought of them as mine.

I don't think there's an obvious answer to who should own the pegging gear. If I used my dick on someone else, I'd wash it (just as a guy would wash his dick), so I don't see the big deal. As for who should buy it, well, that's part of a whole relationship economy based on how committed you are to each other, who has more resources, and who is looking for a good gift for the other person, besides considering who wants to keep it after a breakup.…
On using them together:…
Aug 13 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Swinging Double Standards.
To get back to the letter...

"Neither of us is into same-sex sex; we are fully heterosexual. He's communicated that multi-partner scenarios is something he really loves, I want to please him"

I don't hear much in the letter about what she wants, except for the idea that she wants sex with men if she's going to be non-monogamous.

So I would advise her to negotiate up front:

"Sure, honey, we can go to a swinger's club, and if we connect with someone there, we can have a FMF, where you have the attention of two women on you -- that sounds fun! And you also understand that on other nights I'll be going out on my own dates with men, one-on-one, looking for my own sexual connections which won't involve you -- right? And you're cool with that? Of course you'll have the same ability to find another woman or women to date."

iseult @6, for some people, poly is an identity. They can't imagine not being poly; being able to connect with multiple partners feels intrinsic to their very nature. For other people, it is more of a choice.
Aug 10 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
avast @10 and BiDanFan @16 & 29 -- spot on.

I wonder if UMW is subconsciously trying to screw up their sex life by proposing sex at bad times and then acting all hurt and rejected, so they don't end up having sex at more normal times either. Hint: normal times when long-married couples have sex are when they go to bed, when they wake up in the morning, or any time the two of you are relaxing without any plans and no one else is home.

When you have plans to go out and have sex anyway, that's called a "quickie." Quickies are fun but usually I don't relax enough to come during a quickie. So do you think your wife heard your request as an indication that you're more interested in your immediate pleasure than in hers?

Also, did you try to initiate after she already had done her hair & makeup? If so, that really seems like you were just causing trouble rather than sincerely thinking she'd respond positively.
Aug 9 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Worst Breakup Story Ever.
In that situation, I would feel grateful to have found out his true colors before we got married, and I wouldn't want to have a kid with someone I didn't respect. So yes, personally, I would abort and move on with my life.

However, I would also take seriously the accusation that he felt "alone in the relationship." I would take some time to think about whether I had been open to hearing his concerns, whatever they were (maybe about not wanting to get pregnant right away, or how the wedding should go, or whether our child needed a stay-at-home parent, or whatever).

If he's right that I ignored his needs in favor of my own goals, that self-centeredness would affect my future relationships and my parenting. It's worth assessing if that is part of what happened here.
Aug 8 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Back To the Dorms.
PIKACHU @69, glad to hear you have a good friend nearby, and that you have plans to get out and get more active in the community. Good for you!

My advice would be to let go of the idea that you will come out of this as friends. The odds of that seem incredibly low. Much better would be to come out of this with your own self-respect intact -- that you looked at the situation with clear eyes and took care of your own needs like an adult.

Find out what your rights are, since she isn't on your lease:…

The simplest solution may be to just plan on moving out when your lease is up and take comfort from the fact that she won't be able to move with you. You have very little leverage to pressure her to move out in the meantime. Above all, make sure you don't threaten her in any way. And if I were you, I'd stop having sex with her and make sure your interactions were as calm as possible from now on.
Aug 8 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Rest of the Story.
I'm still confused how the wife figured out that her separated husband is the same as the one in Dan's column. Especially since the facts were different. TFL's friend found out about the cheating "a few weeks" after her husband moved out, whereas the CPOS's wife found "a few months after" the husband moved out. And in TFL's case, the cheating continued during the marriage, whereas the CPOS only admitted to cheating before the marriage.

So TFL's friend wrote to her separated husband and asked if he had changed several facts and written to Dan for advice, is that right? And he texted back, 'yes'? (Because he suddenly decided to be honest?) And from his confirmation, she understood that their separation was just a sham, where she had previously thought he was going to stop screwing other women and come back to her? It's an odd narrative, TFL.

Plus, there is no evidence that sex workers are more likely to spread STIs than the random other women willing to have sex with a cheating husband.

Here's my speculation: TFL slept with the husband, and the anger in the letter is her anger that he was lying to her (about other partners) as well as lying to his wife. And TFL helped the wife figure out that her husband wrote the letter, because TFL already knew that part. Okay, I made all that up, but I find my story just as persuasive as TFL's version.
Aug 8 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Punting.
dcp123 @46, I don't see how that quote proves that he wanted nonmonogamy. To me, it's just as plausible that she was pushing for the kind of nonmonogamy that she wanted, and ignoring his stated preferences.

I think these two people don't want the same thing out of a relationship, which means they probably should break up. They could, possibly, create a mutually satisfactory relationship together, but only by actually listening to each other a lot more.
Aug 6 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Punting.
"He agreed, if a little reluctantly, to restrictions."

Now you've learned that he'll agree to rules he doesn't want, but he won't follow them.

I wouldn't trust him to be monogamous now.

I would end the relationship. Or else ask him to describe his ideal relationship style (not just once, but over several conversations), and consider if you can live with that. He might be able to stick to agreements he had more say in establishing.

Fichu/Crinoline @21, re "relationships that started monogamous and were then 'opened up,' have convinced me that that is a drawn-out painful stopgap on the way to breaking up."

Perhaps so. But I have no regrets so far, and it has been six years since we opened our marriage (and twenty-three since we got together). I like our chances.