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Dec 1, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
EmmaLiz @49 wrote "Also, give some feedback...moan or something, seriously, or it can be really boring...And if it goes on for a while, pull out and jack off or do something else."

I agree with the general advice but wanted to add that the recipient of oral can also lend a hand to let the giver have a break. I get us off to a good start, then keep my mouth busy (on the tip or the balls) while his hand gets him close to the edge, then he can finish in my mouth (or on my tits, face, etc.). When he goes down on me, I have my vibrator handy, so he can take guilt-free breaks.

Theodore Gorath @87 "none of the women I have been with have had trouble getting off with penetration, so maybe I am just lucky."

Lucky or possibly a bit naive, if not one of them needed extra clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

"I kind of wish she was more into cunnilingus than she is"

Have you tried suggesting she read erotic stories or watch porn while you go down on her? Some women find it hard not to worry during, so a distraction can be helpful.
Nov 30, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: We Will Never Get Closure On CLOSURE.
FJWL wrote: "And it can be insanely disheartening to find out that you had placed that level of trust in the wrong person. This hardened me to others, and made me constantly wonder if I could trust anyone."

Well -- I think there's a good lesson there, about not taking people for granted. They're in your life for a while, some of them for a long while, but there are no guarantees. And whether it's a tragic car crash or a secret lover or boredom or old age that ends a relationship -- all relationships end.

I will say that if a housemate moved out secretly and I didn't find out until they'd left... I would talk it out with a therapist (or an old friend) to explore whether maybe I am scary when I get angry. Your ex went to a lot of trouble to make sure he and his stuff were safe from any reaction you might have to the news he was leaving. Maybe that was due to his own issues, but maybe it was yours. Or it could just have been a bad match between the two of you.
Nov 28, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
Mr. Venn, I've just been catching up after a couple of weeks and saw your announcement of your upcoming departure. Reading your recent posts all at once is rather disturbing, with references to no “angel’s deigning to save me,” to collecting “sufficiently heavy stones”, and to various wills and bequests.

If you do have dangerous plans, and if they are partially motivated by your straitened circumstances, then perhaps the Tech Savvy At Risk Youth could put together an online fundraiser for you? You have been a valued contributor here for so many years -- I do think people would chip in to help. And that tangible support might encourage you to stay around and post more too, which would be good for all of us.
Nov 28, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Done Dumped Me Wrong.
" She didn’t talk to anyone, even her close friends and roommate, that she was unhappy during the relationship."

Or maybe she did, but when you confronted them, they didn't feel like telling you they knew before you did that the relationship was ending.

"I didn’t always have perfect responses to things she said. However, we always seemed to resolve things eventually."

Did you generally resolve things along the lines you favored? Did she bring up the issues like "You live far away" and "We didn’t spend enough time together" while you were still dating? And was your response to dismiss her concerns?

People don't necessarily say things in the form of an ultimatum ("move closer & spend more time with me -- or I'll leave you"). People want to see that you care that they're upset and are interested in compromise, even without the knowledge that the relationship is on the line.

"she has been pretty heavily out there dating since we broke up. No serious relationships, but she’s definitely hitting the market hard. For whatever that is worth." -- what do you think it means? If nothing else, it means that she didn't leave you for someone else. She left you because your relationship didn't satisfy her, and she would rather be alone than be with you.

It could mean that she loved the sex with you, and is auditioning people to find someone just as good. Another possibility is that she did not enjoy sex with you, and is auditioning a wide range of people to make sure that she gets a solid sexual connection the next time she settles down into a relationship. Your tone seems a little shocked that she is having so much sex.

Do you truly understand that it's not your business how much sex she has?
Nov 4, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: WOES Gets It, JABBER Doesn't Get It (But Doesn't Mind).
"We have big stressors that affect communication, positive feelings about intimacy, and so on. But we're working on it."

My guess: that's why they're not having sex. Someone doesn't have positive feelings about intimacy.
Nov 4, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: WOES Gets It, JABBER Doesn't Get It (But Doesn't Mind).
nocutename @33, if he had three kids under six at home, I'd be understanding. But with one fourteen year old, it seems weird to say that she is the main reason they're not having sex.

More likely: they don't want sex.

That's fine, but then why say it's because of the kid? This line just really irritated me ("From our perspective, our kid is cooler than sex") because as Bama Librul wrote @27, it suggests that those of us who do still have quite a bit of sex are neglecting our children to do so.

I bet there are other activities the guy prioritizes higher than couple sex, but to talk about his video game habits or masturbation habits wouldn't make him sound so much like "the nicest guy in the world" (@21).

I do hope the two adults have had a serious conversation about their sex life, rather than just sweeping it under the carpet and hoping the other person is fine with the situation.
Nov 3, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: WOES Gets It, JABBER Doesn't Get It (But Doesn't Mind).
"Intimacy, for the two of us at least, has always been a combination of being able to connect in a number of non-sexual ways before getting into fun naked stuff"

I find this so odd. Mr. P. and I connect in all those non-sexual ways right in front of our children: talking, sitting close on the couch, hugging, lending each other a hand with chores... And then later we lock the door to our room and have the fun naked stuff. When we're stretched thin, the fun naked stuff might be a five minute quickie, but I wouldn't want to go without it for a month, let alone for years!

"From our perspective, our kid is cooler than sex."

But on what planet do you have to choose between sex and spending time with your kid? Your fourteen year old is off all day at school, and presumably doesn't sleep in your room when you're not traveling. It's so odd to see it as a choice between incompatible paths.
Oct 28, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
@72, often a bad dynamic grows out of the low-libido partner (LLP) feeling that every time they show any physical affection, or tolerate any physical affection, the high libido partner (HLP) pushes for full on sex.

Dan sometimes suggests taking intercourse off the table for a while, maybe a month, to work on restoring the LLP's ability to show affection through hugs, kisses, pats on the butt, sexual teasing, etc, without feeling that they are committing to getting off the HLP.

sb53 @70, I'm glad you have found a rhythm that works for you and your Miss N.
Oct 26, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
Another vote (along with ciods @18, CMDwannabe @21, BiDanFan @22, and contedefees@32) that time of day matters.

With mismatched libidos, it helps to figure out when the low libido spouse is most eager for sex and move at least half of your shared sexy times to that time of day rather than sticking to the high libido person's preferred time of day.

When our kids were young, Mr. P and I had pretty much two modes of mutual sex. I was on the kids' early schedule, while he stayed up late. About once a week, he would wake me for sleepy sex when he came to bed, and I would try to stay awake and make happy, encouraging noises for him. Also about once a week, after getting the kids to preschool/school in the morning, I would wake Mr. P by climbing on his morning wood and riding him. I learned years later that it was uncomfortable for him because his bladder would be full then, but he didn't complain at the time, just as I didn't complain about being woken at night. We also both masturbated to take the edge off, which I think is key to surviving having young children at home.

Hacksaw @20 -- so sorry for what happened to you. Thank you for telling your story.
Oct 26, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
BiDanFan, DTWM says they don't join mobs, yes, but I find that implausible. Or rather, I think the reason they (and others) want a very high standard of proof is because they think they ought to join a mob against any actual predators. Good thing for them very few predators ever reach their standard of proof.

Me, I don't need a high standard of proof, because I'm not planning on punishing or harming the accused.

It's offensive to guess someone's race because they show awareness of the horrific crimes white people committed. Every US citizen should understand about the history of lynching -- that's key to a minimal understanding of American history.