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sissoucat
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Pulled the wrong card when being born, fixed it, pulled the wrong card when getting… more »

Jun 18 sissoucat commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts.
I agree with your boyfriend that being told not to speak with his ex is controlling therefore unreasonable. That's why he should have been the one taking the decision to stop staying in touch with her, long before it made you uncomfortable. But he hasn't.

As for age and wisdom : you have all the wisdom you need. We're a bit older in the game and we've seen a trick or three and have suffered as a consequence, we're not really wiser than you. Don't sell yourself short.

Trust your gut feeling. If you feel uncomfortable in this relationship because of something he does, it's valid to point it out to him and ask him to change it. Being in a relationship is not a reason to ignore your own feelings. A good relationship is one where you feel your comfort matters to your partner, not one where at six months you're miserable because he's keeping another woman on the back burner and telling her you have downs.

Have confidence in your feelings. You're entitled to having feelings, and to have a partner who respects your feelings, without you having to ask him to recognize they are valid. If he doesn't want 'this to become a thing' then why don't he stop texting her ? He can't prevent you from having feelings about his keeping on wronging you.

It's another red flag to me that you feel so guilty of pestering him over her. We're telling you you've been right, his behaviour is wrong, and to dump him ; and you're trying to make excuses for him. I get that you're in love with him. Reverse the situation : would you text your previous BF, or someone who you know pines for you, that you have ups and downs with your recent BF of six months ? Wouldn't you feel that's it's not very loving from you to text such stuff, and that you're both wronging the current BF and the poor shmuck who'll think from this confidence that he has a chance with you ? If you wouldn't do that to your BF, then you don't have to accept it from him, and you don't have to defend his doing it to you by framing your natural reaction as unreasonable.

And no, no amount of good stuff in a relationship can make up for not being loved.

You're 23. Don't settle for a 30 years-old who'll live with you but not without texting the ex. Have sex and fun with him, why not, but don't build anything permanent.
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Jun 18 sissoucat commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts.
Okay, so he wants to move together after only six months, and the best thing he can tell you about your relationship, is that he told his groupie that you were, maybe, something special ? That's incoherent right here. Nobody mature plans to move together with someone they're not yet convinced is really somebody special. You might think he's mature because he's older, but what you've told us of him paints the picture of a selfish mess blowing hot and cold over two women. You don't have to endure any of that. You deserve someone who is really level-headed, and who's not keeping an old flame on the back burner while meeting the family and planning to move in with you.

One thing I wish I was told when I was younger : wanting to move in with someone early is not a proof of love at all. You should know that among the people overeager to move in, to meet the family, to get married as fast as possible and to have kids, are the abusers : people who are the most charming you've ever met at first, a whirlwind, but whose sinister face only shows once your lives are so intertwinned that you can't leave anymore. They are in a hurry to get there, they truly can't wait.

Do you know any of your BF's friends ? Are they nice persons, people with integrity ? Have you ever met past girlfriends of his, with whom he's stayed friends ? If there are no real life past girlfriends who've become friends with him, then he's bad news, and your inexperience is the only reason why he's with you.

The more you describe him the more he seems like my abusive ex-husband. Check for yourself whatever he tells you about anybody, don't trust him if he ever tries to tell you who you really are, try to get to know people who've known him longer and get them to talk about him to know who he really is.

Don't move in until everything in your relationship is perfectly fine.

He's met your family, but you've not met his. Is he reluctant to introduce you to his family ? Is he telling you that they were abusive to him, despite his staying in contact with them ? (another of the abusive ex-husband traits).

Educate yourself about abusers. I've found the Dr Irene red flag list to be useful (google it ).
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Jun 18 sissoucat commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts.
@sassy_molassy

Thanks for chiming in. Could you give us a bit more info ? Such as :
- was his texting her always a part of your relationship, or how long into your relationship did it happen ?
- have you seen for yourself their texting, or is it only on his word ?
- are you certain he's texting precisely this one ex, or is it only on his word ?

Some people are dishonest and if you can't stand dishonesty it's best to know sooner than later. There's only one person whom I know in real life who pulled of this behavior of 'I'm constantly texting a female with whom it's silly to think I could have a relationship with, just being there to help her with her personal difficulties, despite it annoying the spouse'. Turns out he was not texting the person he was saying, he was conducting an affair with another right under the spouse's nose.

Besides, as of trust, sure you should just trust him if you want to stay in the relationship, but trust is also something earned. When someone behaves shadily - and your BF gives me whiffs of shady behavior - trust should not be a given.

His story about not staying the night with his ex ? It tells me that they were very much together when you too hooked up, and she was not ready for it when he told her he found someone else. You guys' hook-up was cheating on his part. I don't call that a mature way to go from a relationship into another. If anyting, your boyfriend is an opportunist, and he keeps you on your toes by letting you know there is, and enabling, this competition on the side.

There are 3 of you in this relationship, and you should be firm on also getting to have a private relationship with this person he's texting. Meet her, ask her what's up, be her friend : maybe your boyfriend isn't lying about what's happening.
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Jun 18 sissoucat commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts.
What if LW's boyfriend is the manipulator there ?

She says she knows the ex still loves him because her boyfriend told her so. That's a red flag : one's significant other telling one 'oh, just so you know, you have competition, this person wants to fuck me and loves me, and I'm willing to lavish time on that person, but don't worry, it's not out of love for that person.' How strange to inform one's partner that there is someone waiting for him in the aisles ? It's pretty shitty.

Besides, she has no other info on the ex, but what her boyfriend tells her. Is he realy truthfull ?
It could very well be that the ex left the boyfriend and it's the boyfriend who is still in love, and trying to get back with her under the radar.

I'd advise LW to ask to see the exchanged texts, out of legitimate curiosity and/or desire to help the ex (friends of my boyfriend are my friends). If there is really nothing but friendship from the boyfriend, he should be willing to show their conversations to his current girlfriend ; that would prove without a doubt that the ex is really unhappy and pursuing the boyfriend. But if he finds any reason to balk, such as 'I can't let you see that, you'll have a bad opinion of her' when he's already painted the ex with truly awful colors : as the dumped ex who can't let go and is miserable in her new relationship, then it would be time to DTMFA.
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Jun 16 sissoucat commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Opposite of a Sympathy Card.
Make a copy of the photo albums. It's your family too.

And be sure to keep the originals of every picture where you both are, or which 'look gay'. Unkind people destroy pictures of people they wish had never existed, so they can be forgotten. I've seen non-religious people destroy pictures of someone who had committed suicide 'because it so pains me to see that face'. As a result, the next generation has no clue what the suicided oncle looked like. Damnatio memoriae...
Jun 11 sissoucat commented on More Trouble For Ma and Pa Duggar.
@9 molestation of children and christian patriarchy 'not likely to be related'

Ummm, no. Ask the Duggars themselves. On their Fox News damage control interview, they have specifically stated that such 'mistakes' that Josh made are pretty common among the families they know, and Josh's mistakes are not the worse ones out there.

The Duggars being in a cult, you can bet that those known families are all part of christian patriarchy.

The Duggars themselves are on record as saying that (don't call it molestation of children) is common in their cult. That's a lot more occurences than in the general population, so yes, the two are obviously strongly related.

And what is worse than Josh's molestation of children, but children rape ? The Duggars are on record saying that 'worse than Josh's mistakes' happens in households of their cults. So, they know about at least some raped children in families of their cult. And, they're not too bothered about it ; they don't campain much against child rape they know of inside their cultish environment.

They'd much rather campain to portray LGBT as children abusers and or child rapists.

A hate group's hypocrisy must be exposed. The Duggars are not a reality show family, they are a hate group, one very close to Huckabee.

By the way, did you know that Huckabee's ghost writer was accused in his divorce of 'sexual battery of minors', and the only reason he was not prosecuted is because, as with Duggar, it was too late and the statute of limitations had expired ?

Huckabee chooses very special friends, to say the least.
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Jun 4 sissoucat commented on Megyn Kelly Interviews Ma and Pa Duggar.
Google 'duggar putt putt' to see Pa Duggar fondle and hump Ma Duggar in front of their daughter and her fiance while chaperoning them on their first date. Pa and Ma are grade A sexual freaks.
Jun 4 sissoucat commented on Megyn Kelly Interviews Ma and Pa Duggar.
It's horrible how dripping with hypocrisy those people are. And add to that that Fox confirmed the names of two of the victims, thanks to Pa and Ma obviously. The victims outed by their own parents, and made to 'forgive' the child molester on Fox TV !
Jun 3 sissoucat commented on Savage Love.
@vennominon

Your use of 'soubriquet' has me wondering. If it's an English word, then it would mean it's a quite early French borrowing, as the current French equivalent is 'sobriquet'.
Jun 3 sissoucat commented on Savage Love.
One of my fondest first date was with a guy who told me he was an habitual cheater because he could not get his mind around the concept of sexual faithfulness, but he would show the utmost respect to any of his partners, and never embarass them. He was so naturally forthcoming with the info that I had no doubt whatsoever that any lady previously or currently in his life had been identically warned that unfaithfulness was the price of admission for a relationship with him. And they had still chosen to give him a try... I ended up following their lead, and my only regret is that it didn't last a bit longer. We're still friends. And he's totally discreet over his current relationship(s), I can't know anything, he's a tomb.

But that's not FACTSguy's story, so better not overshare about the cheating if you don't think it still defines you currently. Another guy I know told me way into the relationship that his marriage had ended after he had had the weakness of cheating instead of divorcing as soon as he had understood the marriage to be doomed. He was not an habitual cheater and had never cheated again. On another side, I didn't ask him until way into the relationship what had led to the divorce. We're also still friends.
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