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ManxsomeFoe
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Jun 18 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts.
Seems to me that the commentariat is giving the bf too much of a pass on legitimately being a "nice guy." Reread LW's description of his pre-LW relationship with this woman: they were fucking, and he had come to the conclusion that she did not have long-term potential. He may or may not have told her that she was fuckable but not dateable or dateable but not marriageable, but either way he went along content to keep fucking while knowing that she felt *a lot* more for him than he did for her. Given that, and that for all we know she thought it was "a relationship" whereas he thought it was a FWB situation, then he might have some cause to feel guilty for throwing her over so suddenly for the LW. Again, this wouldn't be the worst example of the selfishness of which a late-teens or early-twenties dude might be capable, but a 30-year-old: this is very selfish behavior, very cavalier with the emotions of the ex, and if he feels a teensy bit guilty, he's more likely to continue texting with her. Planned Barrenhood @62 sums it up: "Beware of a man when every woman around him seems crazy."
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Jun 17 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
vennominon @8, I think that EricaP was referring not to MM couples specifically but to "fall[ing] in love with a woman and dump[ing your spouse] even without having explicit permission to start having sex with women" -- that does indeed happen a lot, though it would perhaps still be difficult for one woman to break up a dozen couples by teatime tomorrow (charmingly put, by the way).
Apr 28 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Photo Play.
Am I the only woman who thinks that women in general are a little bit weird when it comes to a sex toy never being put anywhere ever again in anyone ever except the specific person's specific orifice for which it was originally purchased and sanctified? I will admit that I have never shared a sex toy or used a hand-me-down (other than furtively humping my mom's non-penetrative back massager, covered in a towel, when I was a teenager) . . . but I think I could make my peace with using a sterilized sex toy that is not fresh out of the box (I mean, I wouldn't buy it off of eBay, but something that a partner has already as part of a collection? sure). I'm willing to allow penises in my vagina, and they have been in other vaginas. Ladies who only get with ladies, those fingers (and that tongue) -- guess what! -- have been inside other ladies, too. And as for this particular dildo being made of glass? Pffffft! You can honest-to-god sterilize the hell out of glass -- no worries whatsoever about porosity.

So OK, I can see having problems with the husband not asking to use her dildo, but all of these comments about "No, never again, dildos are pair-bonded for life with the original purchase" seem silly to me.
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Dec 10, 2014 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
@45: I read that as a joke, because it's in the context of hyphen-confusion.



Thanks, uncreative, for your thoughtful description of your experience. For those still trying to wrap your head around what uncreative is saying, I will note that the comment about how being called girl/woman/lady/etc was grating or irritating, reminded me of how, when I was married, being called "Mrs. __________" made me feel icky every single time. Every single time, but that was an "accurate" name for me, until I got divorced and got my real name back. And I know people who hate it when people still call them by the nickname they were known by 20 years ago. If you can think of parallels that have nothing to do with gender, it will help to imagine the experience. People don't like being referred to with terms that don't fit their felt, internal sense of identity, whether that's a pronoun, a "Mrs.," a nickname, or whatever.
Sep 24, 2014 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
@25 -- Great! Now everyone will get to work reading a bunch of inter-war middlebrow British novels in order to ventriloquize vennominon! Can't wait!

(relurking now)
Sep 3, 2014 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
PS I know that Captain Awkward would swat my hand for providing an armchair diagnosis of a total stranger over the Internetz, but still . . . just look at the diagnostic criteria, SNAP -- you know her better than I do.
Sep 3, 2014 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
@22, coffeecup

Yes, I also thought of a personality disorder when I read SNAP’s description of his wife, but because I’ve been on the taking-the-shit side of a relationship with a personality-disordered person, whereas you seem to have been on the dishing-that-shit-out side, my sympathies, and my advice to SNAP, are different from yours. SNAP, it sounds like your wife may have a personality disorder. Read the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, and see if the description sounds familiar. If it does, coffeecup is correct that it is treatable, but it take years and years and years of therapy (dialectical behavioral therapy is recommended for BPD) and a strong commitment to change on the part of the individual (saying that everything in her head is YOUR PROBLEM is a sign that she is not ready to admit that she may be mentally ill), and in the meantime, you will continue to be her emotional punching bag. People with BPD can be perfectly charming to most people in their lives, but the people closest to them, the ones they know won’t leave them, receive horrible, abusive behavior regularly. You can’t fix her problems . . . all the love in the world cannot fix her problems, and if you leave her, that may be a wakeup call that she can’t get away with treating people this way, not even her husband.
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Jul 10, 2013 ManxsomeFoe commented on Surely Right Wing Christians Will Protest This New Law In Indiana?.
@24: Yes. People make unconstitutional laws all the time. A recent fracas in Indiana arose from the legislature's efforts to strip Planned Parenthood of funding for everything (preventive health care, birth control) because of their involvement in one thing (abortion). I protested then, and I'll protest this, but the reality is that the legislators don't give a damn about protests by the minority -- the only thing that shuts this shit down is the justice system striking down clearly unconstitutional laws. That will happen . . . in the case of the Planned Parenthood defunding, as I recall, there was an immediate injunction, and then the law was not allowed to stand. In this case, it make take longer and perhaps may require some brave people to put themselves out there for prosecution. The legislators are obviously not thinking logically, which is all to the good.
Jun 19, 2013 ManxsomeFoe commented on SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Think....
@seandr, #42,

You may have a point, from my perspective at least. One of the clues that I hated my marriage and hated having sex with my (now ex-)husband was that I couldn't come (indeed, had limited physical response at all) unless I was fantasizing about porn and not looking at him.

Occasionally, now, while having sex with my fiance, my mind will wander to some random sexual fantasy (esp. if I think I'm taking too long), but it seldom stays there. The present moment is really better than anything that might happen in my head, so I get drawn back to reality -- this is a huge and very important difference between that relationship and this one. I agree that looking at the top of his head isn't all that arousing -- I might be staring blankly at the wall, my eyes might be shut, but in general I'm not fantasizing about being anywhere else.

IOW, here is one woman for whom *needing* to fantasize during partner-sex was connected with really serious relationship problems. (Not at all saying that's the case with the LW -- plenty of women have written in already to say that they need to fantasize to come and that it's nothing to do with relationship quality.)
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May 22, 2013 ManxsomeFoe commented on Savage Love.
Who among us thinks that LW1 will follow Dan’s wise advice to stay away from the comments? Who could resist? So LW1, I hope you read this far. I’m old enough to be your mother, and my early sexual experiences included a lot of negative ones that were in the very large gray area between “rape” and “good fun.” I remember also embarrassment and shame at various events that took a long time to dissipate (and usually had been replaced by embarrassment and shame for other events in the interim) – so I get it.

But I want to encourage you to rethink your ideas about closure and apologies. What you wrote reminded me of something my stepdaughter does that irritates me: when she fights with someone, when she’s ready to stop fighting, she apologizes, and then the other person is supposed to say, “I forgive you” and hug her. If the “I forgive you” and hug aren’t forthcoming, the fight starts up again, because the other person hasn’t responded correctly to the closure ritual that she wants. So she demands forgiveness because she wants closure; you demand apologies because you want closure. She demands closure too soon; you are demanding closure too late. The thing that connects you both in my mind is that you are seeking closure by asking other people to follow a script that you are creating in your mind. What do you want? “A sincere apology.” What does that look like? Does it have anything to do with him, or have you built up in your mind what will count for purposes of “closure” as “a sincere apology”? Let me tell you in advance that whatever he offers will not provide you with closure, because you haven’t seen him in years, and what he says or doesn’t say won’t have any impact on the fact that you live with yourself 24-7, and you are the only one who can let go of this, thereby giving yourself closure. Other commenters have provided good suggestions for achieving closure on your own. I second those, but especially want to emphasize that closure is something you create for yourself, not something you extort from others.

Trust me – this shit gets easier, if you keep working on it. Be honest with other people, but also and especially with yourself.
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