Thexalon
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May 16 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: He DTMFA'd But She Won't Leave His House.
Legally speaking: It's LW's house, which means that the only right that the ex has to be in the house is LW's permission for her to be there, which he can revoke at any time for any reason at all. He doesn't need grounds, he can tell her to leave, and if she doesn't he is within his rights to call the police and have her removed for trespassing.

I have to say, I agree with Dan's less-charitable interpretation of ex's behavior. The reason is that the ex does not respect LW's decision to dump her. Which means she does not accept that LW has a right to make decisions. I consider it entirely possible that this guy has been a doormat for her for a long time, and she's basically keeping him under her thumb and having a free ride at home with "If you don't take care of me, forever, I'm going to die on the streets and it will be all your fault!" This is reinforced by the LW being convinced, based on the tone of this letter, that he's in any way responsible for his ex's situation once he's ended the relationship.
May 10 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Cheated. He Got The Clap. What Does She Owe Him?.
I'm in the DTMFA camp. It's not that she cheated. It's that she cheated and lied about it when she was guaranteed to get caught. Which means that it's entirely likely she's been cheating all along but hasn't been caught before. Oh, and she didn't take precautions against getting an STI while engaged in her cheating: That could have been HIV she just gave him, rather than the very treatable chlamydia.

Her dishonesty and disloyalty while insisting on his honesty and loyalty is the dealbreaker here.
Nov 14, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Husband Voted For Trump (She Thinks) And She Wants Out.
Something else it sounds like LW has to do: Evaluate that business, take a good hard look at it and see if it's really going to pull in enough 2 years from now for her to actually leave. If it isn't, then she needs to be looking for a job instead of looking for customers. In particular, if the business you have is a multi-level marketing thing, where she gets some money based on people she recruits, that's not a business, that's a scam, and she needs to quit that right now. It sounds like money is what's keeping her tied to this vile man, and money is what she'll need to free herself and her kids.

If she doesn't, I would not be surprised if 2 years waiting for that ship to come becomes 3, 3 years becomes 4, and whoops there's another baby, so another 2 years, and then if she just sticks it out a few more years her eldest will be out of the house, and then if she waits a few more years her youngest will be out of the house too, and then he took care of her financially all these years .... There's always an excuse to wait.
Oct 19, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Girlfriend Won't Fuck Her.
Words of wisdom, learned from experience:
1. A partner demanding you to cut off contact with other people you know is a red flag. Isolating you from your support network is a classic first move for abusers.
2. A partner putting a lot of energy into policing your fidelity is cheating on you.
3. A partner who is immediately madly in love is another red flag.
Much of the same rules also apply to organizations: if a group you just met showers you with affection, has you cut off all contact with anyone outside of the group, and then watching your every move, you've just encountered a dangerous cult.

DTMFA is absolutely the right call here.
Aug 29, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Quick Hits.
In the category of "second-tier cities that would be OK for sex-positive and GLBT-friendly folks to live in", I'd be comfortable recommending my own metro area of Cleveland, and the suburb of Lakewood in particular. Lakewood has been GLBT-friendly for decades, Cleveland hosted the Gay Games a couple of years ago with minimal protesting or complaints (and business was happy about the money they brought in), and there are quite a few non-straight politicians that get elected without their sexuality being even raised as an issue. And there's an active fetish community for people into that sort of thing, again without a lot of unpleasant protests or moralizing going on.
And it's far far less expensive that the coasts: A lot of 1-bedroom apartments go for about $550 a month.
The only real downside is dealing with the state government in Columbus.
Aug 14, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gay Virgin Comes Out & Gets Out From Under.
I know I'm late to this party, but some more advice from a late-ish bloomer (albeit a straight one): The fact that this guy is willing to take things at a pace you're comfortable with is a sure sign he's a keeper, because he's respecting you as a person. Don't worry about whether he's "the one", that's not important right now, but respect him in return, respect yourself, and it's really not that scary. There will probably come a time when you want more contact - when it does, get consent and go for it.
Also, you've only been with this guy a little over a week. You can take it much slower than that if you want to. Continue to lead your pre-partnered life, except for the looking-for-partners part of it if you're doing the monogamy thing: Keep talking to any friends you've made, pursuing your career, enjoying your hobbies, and so forth. You can do things without him, and he can do things without you, and that doesn't mean you're not a couple.
Jun 6, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Little Big Man.
Listen, fella, it seems like you are naturally monogamous, that is someone who is more about focusing on a single partner than running around with as many people as you can get or something.
And that's totally fine! Heck, in another time or place it would be seen as downright laudable. Give yourself permission to not seek out more sex than you're already getting, enjoy the heck out of your fiance (and make sure she's enjoying the heck out of you), and keep those hall passes handy for a drunken mistake sometime in the future. The stereotype of all men sleeping with anyone they can is just that, a stereotype, and you don't have to match it if you don't want to.
And I say this as someone else who has had permission to date multiple women, but never has.
May 20, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Two Birds, One Stone.
Dan's mellowing out in his old age: 10 years ago, the answers in both cases would have been "DTMFA".
Jan 14, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love.
"But liking us solely because of our race can be uncomfortable at best, and creepy as hell at worst."

There are approximately 1 billion people of just about any racial type in the world. Of those, approximately half are your preferred physical sex (if you have one, obviously pan- and bi- types don't need to factor this in). Of those, a solid 10-20% are single and in your age range. That still leaves about 25 million people minimum. So have some reason why out of the 25 million available people of your preferred racial background, you want to be with this one.
Jan 13, 2016 Thexalon commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Licensed Massage Practitioner Takes License.
I want to highlight something else here: Why is it that the LW was worried about what happened to her masseuse? That kind of thinking allows so many sexual assaults to go unreported - "I don't want to hurt the boss's career", "it might have been a misunderstanding", etc, etc. Why did her mind go in the direction of wanting to protect him, rather than protecting herself?

I go with a different theory: If you see something, say something. You can tell the boss the whole story, about how it might have been a misunderstanding, and so forth, but that way, if the boss gets somebody else with the same story, they can put them together.