Feb 5, 2015 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
TUT - I had sex for the first time when I was 13. My partner was 16. It was totally consensual and it was an amazing epiphany. By the time I was 15 and 16 I was totally boy crazy and while that had its pluses and minuses, it didn't do me any permanent harm. I also dated a 31 year old when I was 16.

The ability to consent doesn't magically appear on one's 18th birthday.

And if we label all sex by under-18 teens as rape, then I am a multiple rapist and so were most of my early partners.

You will notice I do not provide my own gender here. Would it make a difference? Ask yourself, TUT: Do you think that only men can "rape"? Or sex with underage girls is rape but underage boys is not?
Oct 14, 2014 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Everyone's going off on NNP. It took me three tries to parse his email. What does NNP mean by saying that his partner "transgressed boundaries"? What boundaries are we talking about exactly?

My Magic De-Coder Ring on Guess Mode says: She fucked someone else without asking or telling her primary partner and then tried to rationalize it away.

Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.
Jan 8, 2014 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
I agree with #5 avast2006... it's confusing to me, too.

Identity labels can change faster than Ignorant Minds can keep up.
Apr 10, 2013 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
#3 - on reinterpreting the Bible

I also felt it was intellectually dishonest to reinterpret the Bible, but ultimately there's a difference between just chucking out inconvenient stuff and actually wrestling with it. As a Pagan who wanted to continue to honor my Jewish roots, I had a terrible time with the Ten Commandments because of course there's the one about not having other Gods, etc. To blithely say, "Well that one doesn't count" is a cop-out.

And yet... I think the Bible is an accretion, historically edited over many centuries, not the word from God all given in one giant Skype session. Edited, I may add, by men... and with many contradictions and emphases.

There is also a vast body of religious thought and practice outside of what is in the Bible. That varies widely from "God is love and so we should love one another" to "God likes to smite us for fun, and it's OK for me to hurt other people in God's name".

There are rabbis and other scholars who've made it their life work to re-claim (rather than re-interpret) their own religious dogma to emphasize tolerance. They've taken the position that their own conscience will not allow them to condemn homosexuality, demean women, condone slavery, or commit violence against people who don't follow their particular sect.
Dec 12, 2012 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Purely in the interests of science... I will over-share. One time my BF's butt plug did get in the way of a very wet and juicy fart, a "shart" if you will, and that is when we learned that curry dinner followed by anal play is a hilariously bad idea.
Nov 20, 2012 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
On kicking balls for money: If that guy were a serious martial artist he would get a training partner who was his match in weight and skill. Not a woman, not a former babysitter.

I'd like to know, though, if she actually learned any usable self-defense techniques out of this.

Otherwise... yes, it's definitely sex work, and I would charge minimum $250 an hour, with a written contract. There's something about the narrative that's disturbing to me, though - I can imagine it escalating in ways the woman might not like. I don't think a college-age woman is really a match for this guy in terms of negotiations, which is why he's not seeking out a real pro who would hold him accountable, responsible, etc.
Nov 7, 2012 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
@KINK - Said "mutual friends" may be less than thrilled at being blackmailed into dropping you as a friend as the price to pay for staying friends with "vengeful ex". That's junior-high bullshit. When a partner does it, it's called isolating and is a form of abuse.

I certainly would not appreciate a friend telling me who else I could or could not be friends with. The few times it's happened to me as an adult, I told the so-called friend to go to hell and figured they were good riddance.
Sep 27, 2012 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
I wonder if the public masturbation circles at Folsom Street Fair are going too far. It's not adults-only event, AFAIK - you don't have to be 21 to get in.

And apart from the Fair, the Castro itself has naked people year round who are making a public statement about their right to go naked. Whether or not other people (gay or straight) want to see their junk on their way to the bus, or to the store, or taking their kids to school.

When I lived in the Castro in 2006 I didn't see this, but apparently it's been happening more now. I have mixed feelings, really.

The only place I've seen a horde of naked people was Burningman, all shapes and sizes, in an environment that allowed kids too - and it was OK there, at least for me.

Maybe if all public spaces (including my office) were truly clothing optional we'd all get used to it.
Oct 19, 2011 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
FANTASY may just be 18 years old and boy crazy. Of course she wants what's forbidden. One good drinking binge and she will end up fucking the other guys' brains out, loving it, and then being horrified the next morning. Could be a good way to end the crush, though.

Still, living at such close quarters seems a bit of a powder keg. Maybe she should concentrate on her college coursework and join the track and field team to work off some of that excess energy.
Jul 29, 2011 hazmat commented on Savage Love.

Fiance has a right to know something, but maybe not the details of exactly who was involved. What does he need to know exactly? That you had a deeply tragic experience in your teen years that caused a serious breach within your family, and he may end up dealing with after-effects. I would include not only the pregnancy and how it ended (I think TSA did succeed in getting an abortion), but also a hint that "you may hear other versions of this story". I would share with him your complicated feelings - you blamed yourself for years, etc.

If he asks to know more, say, "I would prefer not to go into more detail - but I'll listen to your thoughts, feelings, and concerns". Fiance might want to know if the person who fathered that child is still in your life (and yes he might have a right to know that) so he may need reassurance that you're not currently involved, voluntarily or coerced, in any clandestine relationships.

A therapist might help you formulate what needs to be shared and what does not.

I would also advise any family members that you're still on speaking terms with exactly what you do end up telling your fiance, including that you didn't reveal the identity of the father.

If I married someone who had a big family secret like that, and I found out after marriage, I'd likely stick with them but it would be a shock. Fiance will have to deal with some of these family members and he's going to feel strange esp if he was kept in the dark the whole time and then things come to light later on.