Dec 7 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Anon...

"My main problem is the lying, although I'm not happy about the texting - the ex would try to break us up in a heartbeat if she could, and has said as much."

If you think about it, it's more than just the lying. It's the sneaking.

While everybody is allowed to have privacy, if you're sneaking around and hiding something important from somebody you generally shouldn't hide important stuff from, probably you shouldn't be doing That Thing (general-case "you" here). That can be work stuff that you're sneaking around the boss or sneaking around a teammate, sneaking around a spouse, or hiding something really important from a good friend.

Your man is sneaking and hiding stuff from you, and when you figure it out, he's lying to you about it. That's super-shitty. And he knows it's shitty, or he wouldn't be sneaking around and hiding stuff from you.

Might want to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.
Dec 6 slinky commented on Savage Love.
The "I got drunk and I was angry" thing? Yeah, no.

That's not flirting motivated by anger. That's a desire to injure somebody motivated by anger. "What, you're not home for (XXX) tonight? I'll show you!" And, dick pics, which is about as far as he can go without crossing a line past the point of no return. Maximize the hurt, minimize the risk to him.

LW, you're not wrong to feel like a line has been crossed. It has. It's not an erotic line, it's a punishing you for not behaving the way your husband thinks you should line. It's okay to feel like you don't trust him, because now you have a good reason to not trust him to act like an adult in your adult relationships.

Your husband needs to own up to what he did and not do that anymore. It's childish, it's gross, and it's cruel.
Dec 3 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope.
Oh, where to start.

1. There is a difference between being FRIENDLY with an ex and being FRIENDS with an ex. You can be kind, decent, and respectful of someone you used to date without wanting any further interaction with them.

2. "That doesn't mean that she couldn't give me some peace of mind to know WHY the relationship is over."

LW, what on earth do you want to hear?

"That also doesn't mean that we can't try rekindling it, both sides willing of course. You've said in one of your posts something like "the world is full of couples that got back together.""

AH. There it is. You're hoping that through a combination of pleading, guilt, and corrosive togetherness that you can wear down your ex into starting to date you again, because that's really what you want. You're couching it in the idea of being friendly with your ex, except you don't want friendly, you don't even want friends, you want more than friends and more than friends with benefits.

That's kind of shitty, now that I think of it...you're trying to use the notion of being friendly and kind to a person she was once close to as a hammer to bludgeon her with because she's not being More Than Friends with you.

Do you want to hear her say, you're terrible in bed, you're holding back my career, you smell like cheese? Do you want to hear her say, you don't listen when I tell you things and I'm done with it? Do you want her to tell you that her chakras opened and she saw a future as a spiritual mystic that involves ritual sex with people who are not you?

No. You want her to come crawling back to you with a heavy dose of well-eaten crow in her belly and there will be love and bunnies and you got what you wanted.

Leave her be. Let her go. Ask a counsellor to help you get through this, because you are stuck on this too.
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Nov 5 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@83, I'd say a mix of things.

Grad school is a commitment and eats up your time. If you meet and date a fellow grad student, and you both finish out, you both have higher degrees. Otherwise, your time to go out looking is very limited (and serious dating is time-consuming). Grad students are also typically broke, and dating is also a money suck. When your food budget for a month is $300, that $5 latte is more than 1% of your monthly budget.

I chose to stop at an MS instead of a PhD because I judged (rightly) that the added time and expense of getting a doctorate wasn't worth it for career reasons, and in fact I'd be told I'm overqualified for several positions that I would have liked. Even the entry-level jobs that I need to get experience to get better work.

Hmmm....sounds a lot like dating, now that I write that down.

So you take what job you can and hopefully you don't have TOOOO much student debt that you need to pay off. Then hopefully your career path is one that will let you have some free time once in a while.

And finally when it's all done, you're 10 years older and highly educated and that's when the pool of eligible men starts to shrink. If you met in grad school, that makes it easier.
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Nov 5 slinky commented on Savage Love.
BiDanFan @79...it saves me time that they've self-selected out, but that leaves me with fewer pickings to choose from.
Nov 5 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Venn @76, I agree.

But...I worked in a job for years where not only was I the only one in the group with a masters, I was one of only about 4 out of 30 who had a bachelors. Most of them were the kind of bright, clever sort who hawsepiped their way up.

They were the ones who believed sight-unseen that I'd be a snob to them. They were the ones who commented that "That's the second time that XXX group with all their PhDs couldn't solve a problem, it's us hairy coonasses" (that is a literal quote, by the way), when I was the one who not only figured out what the problem was, but how to solve it and the maths behind it. They were the ones who suggested that if I stopped being the smart one and focused on being nicer, I'd have more luck finding a man.

It's exhausting to deal with.
Nov 4 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@66, 67,

In my experience, social stigma plays a part in "dating down," but you also run into issues in the relationship itself.

In my adventures in online dating, I've had men message me to tell me how impressed they are by me...and then deselect themselves from my pool of potential dates because they felt too inferior. I've had men show signs of interest right up until the moment they found out I had a masters degree, at which point it was like watching the blinds roll down in an old Looney Toons cartoon. I've had men be honestly shocked that actually, no, I'm NOT a snob and won't treat them like garbage simply because I have a university education and they don't.

I also have a friend with a PhD and her experiences are the same as mine. When asked about why she isn't having any luck finding a partner, she immediately answered, "My education." Another friend with a MSc (in a culture where arranged marriages are common) has had no takers because the men who would be eligible partners otherwise see her as priced out of the market (her words).

On top of that, it's been shown repeatedly that women in het marriages who earn more than men and have more career success than their spouses are more like to do more housework at home (except cooking), are more likely to divorce, and are more likely to have their husband cheat.

Sources in the link. http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/how-m…

There's stigma, yeah, but it's more complicated than that.
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Nov 2 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@26, consider that the woman in a het cuckolding relationship bears a disproportionate amount of physical risk compared to the man.

Unless she's surgically sterile or postmenopausal, there's always a risk that she could become pregnant by the play-partner. If the person is a stranger, there's the risk that he could have an STI, that he could be violent or a creeper, or simply that he's a lousy fuck...and one of the main objectives of her taking on all this additional physical risk is so that her man partner can get his rocks off. That's a lot to ask of somebody who's not really all that into it.

Even without the physical risk, as LW #2 pointed out, she had to do all the work to get one man's rocks and he belittled her and berated her for not doing HIS fantasy exactly the way she was supposed to. Her new partner wanted her to find strangers, but backed off when she refused due to the physical risks. The other thing with her finding strangers is that beyond a doubt SHE would be the one trolling the internet looking for strange, and doing all of that work so that...her man could get his rocks off.

Those things alone would put me off wanting to do something like this. I'm not at all surprised that having to do all the work for somebody else's sexual gratification puts plenty of other women off, too.
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Oct 31 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Woes Are Similar to WOES Woes.
@Tachycardia, this is why Chore Wars is such a beautiful, beautiful thing.

If LW and his wife have NOT explicitly discussed and divided household tasks, then MOST LIKELY the wife is doing the bulk of the domestic work, including the longer-term work of meal planning, organizing everybody's visits to the doctor and dentist, etc. Many people fall into that trap specifically because they haven't talked about it and planned on it. The fact that it's the same complaint of "we have young kids and my wife is exhausted why don't I get more sex" that comes up over and over means the very common reason (she's exhausted) needs a good hard look.

If you hear hoofbeats and know that you are in Lexington, Kentucky, it's reasonable to assume that the hooves belong to a horse. If you look for horses and don't find any, then you start looking for other hoofstock.

Also, it's not impossible for somebody to care about their wife and their wife's pleasure and still have her just humouring him. She could well be faking it, she could be putting up with him. We're not there, we don't know. So we start with the obvious.
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Oct 27 slinky commented on Savage Love.
BLMK @38....be careful when giving this line of advice. I think you're on the right side of it but it's super-easy to slide over.

Yes, you should do more chores around the house *because you are a decent human being,* not because if you put enough housework tokens into the machine, it will dispense sex at you. The simplest form of the trap is, "But I did the dishes! Why won't you sex me?" or some variation thereof. The much more subtle and nastier part is if Partner A starts doing physical tasks, but doesn't even try to take on the mental/emotional tasks (meal planning, organizing stuff, keeping a list of what needs to be done, remembering the doctor's appointments and school obligations) and then Partner A waits for Partner B to tell them what needs to be done. Partner B is still doing a huge amount of work in that case...and so they're still physically and mentally tired before hitting the hay, and Partner A gets upset because "I'm helping, why hasn't this changed?" Well, yes, you're helping, but still the equivalent of one more task on her to-do list. As long as the expectation is there, the trap can be sprung.

Better advice is, you'll log into Chore Wars, make a list together of things that need to be done, and divide them up among you because you are a decent human being and it needs to be done, with no expectation of reciprocation other than your partner doing their share.

The rest of your advice, about planning downtime and adult time, is very solid.

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