@nocutename and venomminion, Seandr nailed it. I did think about the homophobia packed in his question. I addressed it the way I did (not gay, problem has nothing to do with gay, move on) because the LW specifically asked whether or not he was gay.

Once I answered it with, you want to fuck chicks, shout it from the rooftops, it was time to move on to the REAL problem, which was that he felt sexually violated.

I actually have had a similar situation myself. A few years ago, I had a rather memorable evening with a pair of friends, in which there was far too much booze, and my first experience topping a girl. The third friend watched and gave himself a hand. While it was going on, I felt like it was a combination of business (I started this, I'm gonna give her a good time come hell or high water), physically squicky (nowhere near into her as she was into me), and emotionally squicky (person #3 was in a partnership with somebody else, and while he was just watching from the sidelines, his partner didn't know/hadn't given permission).

After it was over, I had a good week or so of, WTF? Including, yes, wondering if I were a lesbian, and then the holy crap that's homophobic god I'm such a cow, and a whole other mess of emotions I couldn't really put words to. Once I had had time to process it, what I learned about myself is that I like watching BDSM porn but don't like being an active participant (on either end, scary as fuck), I like to watch women fucking but don't want to fuck or date them myself (IOW, kinky, not a lesbian), and that despite all of that, I pushed myself past my normal boundaries and lived to tell the tale.

The difference between me in my little story and WSOWS is preplanned consent. I went into the night knowing full well what was going to happen, and drank some liquid courage and coca-cola specifically so that I COULD tie up my friend and top her. We were consenting all the way through. WSOWS, on the other hand, got fucked up first, THEN called the sex worker, and in his intoxicated state did not set boundaries or think about what he would be doing. He wasn't in a mental state to be making those decisions, things went too far, and now, in the morning, he's regretting it.

IMO, the reason "Am I gay?" popped up with both of us, is that we neither one of us had the life experience to be able to tease apart the complicated emotions we were dealing with, and so we defaulted to the lowest of the low common denominators. Even though the real problem lay somewhere else. WSOWS is 21, and this was his first experience in this type of situation. I bet you dollars to donuts he just doesn't have the range of life experiences that he would need to be able to tease out the emotions he's feeling yet, so "anger and shame at sexual violation" is being lumped into ZOMGTEHGHEY.

What I really hope he learns from this, once he's calmed down and maybe spoken to a counsellor, is to respect the sexual boundaries' of others, and become more aware of rape culture.

Okay WSOWS, you're not gay. Your problem has nothing to do with straight or gay. Your problem has to do with your boundaries.

Here's what happened to you: somewhere, in your encounter, you crossed a line. You probably crossed more than one, and in fact, you probably crossed at least one that you didn't know you had, and now you're feeling like your boundaries have been violated, BECAUSE THEY HAVE. BY YOU. Let's try and list them all, so that we can tease apart exactly what is the problem...because it's not so simple as "OMG AM I GAY?"

*I'm guessing that this was your first time having sex with a paid professional.
*This was your first time being sexually penetrated with intent to fuck.
*This was your first time being with a transsexual woman.

And ALL of this happened while you were fucked up on hash and booze.

Here's what you've discovered about yourself: you've discovered that you do not LIKE being penetrated with intent to fuck. Fingering is okay. Blowjobs are okay. Penetration, for you, is not okay. Whether that's because it's a physical boundary (ouch), a mental boundary (is it too gay?) or an emotional boundary (speaking as a chick, penetrative sex can be an extremely intimate and frightening act, one where you have to just trust that your partner will not hurt you, one where you KNOW that you're immensely vulnerable and submissive) is irrelevant....what matters is it's a line that you will not cross. So, in the future, do NOT cross this line again.

You've discovered that you're straight. You keep thinking about how you want to fuck girls, you want to date girls. You hired a girl as a sex worker, albeit one with unusual factory equipment. Shout it from the rooftops, you're straight.

Here's the big one: You've discovered that you don't like feeling violated.

You don't like feeling violated. You don't like feeling like your boundaries were crossed. You don't like feeling like you're not in control (the way you phrased it, "somewhere during the encounter I became the receiving partner" doesn't exactly imply that you were actively planning it), and you even said you regret her "sticking her thing in your butt."

This is where it gets messy. You got fucked up on drugs, called a sex worker, paid her, and did things with her that you would not have done while you are sober. While you were fucked up on drugs, you said yes (or at least didn't object) when the sex worker penetrated you. If you were gleeful and willing while she gave you a blowjob, and gleeful and willing while she fingered you, and you did not give her any indication that you had second thoughts about penetration, she had no reason to believe that you did not want to be penetrated, and so she did what she probably does for most clients and fucked you. The next morning, cue squick.

I wouldn't call this a rape, since you were the person who called the sex worker and initiated the business transaction, and the sex worker did her job in good faith with no indication that you had a problem. (Right?) I think it's closer to a BDSM scene gone wrong, in which Bottom has had enough, but doesn't say the safe word right away, and when Bottom DOES say the safe word two minutes later, Top stops immediately but Bottom is now upset at Top for not stopping the very second Bottom wanted her to. Regardless, your line was still crossed, and it's normal and okay to feel upset that your line was crossed.

At the end of the day, Dan's advice is good advice to follow. Learn from this. Take the lesson, and move on. If you're still so upset that you're thinking of suicide, find a counsellor and talk about it....particularly one who is sex-positive, who will treat your boundary-violation problem with respect.

Meanwhile--don't call sex workers when you're fucked up, don't fuck anybody when you're fucked up, do not EVER fuck anybody else who is fucked up or who has not given you a clear willing loud YES (because now you KNOW just what kind of horrible damage that violation does to you), and if a girl asks to peg you, say no politely.

No, no, no, no, no, do NOT lie to the boyfriend!

Present it as a thought experiment, or sit him down like grownups and say, so what happens if? honestly. Then, if you stay together, march yourself off to Planned Parenthood and get an IUD/IUS, an implant, or a Depo shot--something long-lasting that you can't forget to take and he can't mess with--and never, never, ever fuck him without a condom again.

Because @10 really nails it:

His cooperation has to be BOUGHT because the woman can't walk away from it and he knows that. Abortion really levels the playing field and I think that is part of why so many men oppose it.

In his world, the second sammy sperm meets ellie egg, YOU are suddenly a slave. Everything you do, every decision you make, is secondary to a zygote, while he is free to pronounce you a slut, bitch moan and whine about it, disappear and never put forth any financial or emotional effort into you ever again, or maybe step up to the plate and be a good partner. But you don't know that, you'll never, ever know until it happens (because you have only his word to trust, after all) and what is true for YOU regardless is you're stuck with the financial, medical, physical, and emotional consequences. The single best thing you can do for yourself, in that case, is make damn sure you never get pregnant. And make sure he knows WHY you are doing this--it's one thing to have a view in the abstract, and quite another to see that those views have consequences, and one of those consequences of having his opinion and dating you is that his opinion puts you in a dangerous, unequal, and intolerable situation, and you are trying to put yourself back on the level playing field.

If he's not willing to play by those rules, rules that protect you both and allow you to live together despite your differing views, DTMFA and RUN.

A personal note: I'm dating a very sweet man who is very much against abortion, and I'm as pro-choice as you get. I can't take hormonal forms of BC and IUDs aren't an option for me, so we're limited to fertility awareness and condoms. We use condoms all the time and when the CM gets thin, no sex at all, period, until it goes back to normal....which sucks, but it's highly effective and since his libido is lower than mine, I can pass it off as neither of us are in the mood. FAM, if practised consistently and your cycles are regular enough that you can tell with reasonable certainty what's going on, is really effective, especially when you use it and condoms together.

On the downside, you lose a lot of spontaneity and you can't ever risk getting drunk and have drunk (fill in the special occasion) sex. And since I can't take hormonal BC, which he knows, I told him before we even got naked the first time that refusing to wear a condom, whining about wearing a condom, or pulling one off mid-screw was an automatic and irrevocable breakup-level offence, because it put me and my health and safety in an intolerable situation for the sake of him getting his rocks off. But we are getting along happily, with plenty of fun in the sack, despite our differences of opinion.

@47 "'m not good at interpretting body language and once I'm lobotomized by hormones and adrenaline, any hope for a positive outcome goes out the window."

That's why I suggested that CBB go to the humane society and LEARN to watch body languages. It's a heck of a lot easier to start with dogs than with people. Dogs won't judge you and you're a lot less likely to have major self-consciousness issues around them. After a while, you get to a point where you start noticing others' body language, and then it's so much easier to interpret. As a bonus, you won't be considered a creeper while you're trying to learn, since dogs don't care, and you're probably a lot more likely to notice subtle Go and Whoa cues than you would before.

I have a saddle horse and working with him has taught me more about interpersonal relationships than any class or book or whatever. He doesn't speak in words, but he talks ALL THE TIME. I can look at the way his ears are pointed and tell what's on his mind. He has a snort for every occasion and I can listen to a snort and know if he's unhappy about something, excited, scared, or just wants me to get on with it and let him gallop already. Shelter dogs will teach you the same thing, without the expense or commitment of keeping a horse.

And something else about it, dogs are a chick magnet, yes, but also in doing the volunteer work, you're meeting people, who will in turn introduce you to more people. That's how networks get started and Good Things come into fruition. And dogs are a chick magnet.

And by providing the training, you might make sure a shelter dog gets placed in a good home. You can take pride in yourself about that, and pride and self-confidence are always good accessories to wear.

Okay, CBB, something Dan left out. Your smooth-talking routine doesn't work because the women you're interested in are under no obligation to fall for it.

Nobody you meet is under any obligation to like you, think you're good-lucking, or want to fuck you. Nobody you meet is obliged to have anything to do with you other than basic courtesy--meaning that girl who smiles at you might just be smiling at you because she was taught that you smile when you say hello. Or she's nervous. Or she's just a really cheerful person.

There's a fine line between being genuinely interested in people and being a Nice Guy. Nice Guys (TM) go through life under the impression that if they are nice to women, women will want to date/fuck/whatever with them. Then they get resentful when women have things like their own opinions and whatnot. Speaking as a chick, it's REALLY irritating when you learn that the only reason a dude is treating you like a human being is he wants to get in your pants. Company, conversation, being a friend or a teammate, those all just vanish when you realise the only reason somebody talks to you so nicely is he wants a lay.

Don't be that guy.

Here's your homework: learn the difference between being a smooth talker and a genuine talker. Learn what women are saying with their body language--she might be signaling you, go ahead and you're missing it--and learn the difference between No and Go. Once you start meeting people you like, and you treat them like people you want to be around, they will introduce you to other people, who will introduce you to still other people, and somewhere along the line OF MEETING AWESOME PEOPLE AND MAKING FRIENDS you'll meet somebody you want to fuck AND who wants to fuck you.

Meet people first. Meet people who interest you first. Make friends first.

About body language:

I tell people who aren't very good with body language to go volunteer at the humane society and ask to help with training the dogs. Dogs are easier than people, they have ears and tails and lolling tongues and BOUNCE that people have trained out of them once they're older than five. It's also less pressure. Once you're used to reading dogs and cats, it's a whole lot easier to move on to people.

@36, "Benji remembers thinking, "how many women am I expected to take down with me?""

When you have a religion that holds women in a strange place between untouchable symbol and outright contempt, it's not surprising that the opposite-sex partners in the relationship are taken as disposable place-holders, and THEIR thoughts, feelings, and autonomy are considered subservient to keeping the men in line.

It's demeaning.

As for Weed, I'd really like to know what his wife thinks about this. She could be putting on a brave face, so that she isn't ostracised by her church community. She could be one of those who just doesn't give a darn. She could be finding other outlets for her energy, like a career or some personal passion. Or she could be like some of the partners you see on the Straight Spouse Network site, where their husbands are gay, and they're still married, and happy about it. (Read here: http://www.straightspouse.org/personalst…) If she's being forced to keep on a brave face, for the sake of not being rejected by the church, then both this man and the church are doing something unspeakably, needlessly cruel. If she is truly okay with it? Nothing to see here, move along.

At the end of the day, though, what this underscores is that marriage is NOT some kind of magical religious thing that brings in spiritual harmony. It is fundamentally a shared-property arrangement that legal adults can enter into. Think about it: were it not for the financial, legal, and tangible property aspects of the marriage, would Weed stay with his wife? Were they still dating, and he came out, would they have stayed together, or, in the absence of the financial, legal, and social (read: church) stability that the marriage provided, would they have split? I strongly suspect the latter, rather than the former.