5:15 AM yesterday slinky commented on Savage Love.
BLMK @38....be careful when giving this line of advice. I think you're on the right side of it but it's super-easy to slide over.

Yes, you should do more chores around the house *because you are a decent human being,* not because if you put enough housework tokens into the machine, it will dispense sex at you. The simplest form of the trap is, "But I did the dishes! Why won't you sex me?" or some variation thereof. The much more subtle and nastier part is if Partner A starts doing physical tasks, but doesn't even try to take on the mental/emotional tasks (meal planning, organizing stuff, keeping a list of what needs to be done, remembering the doctor's appointments and school obligations) and then Partner A waits for Partner B to tell them what needs to be done. Partner B is still doing a huge amount of work in that case...and so they're still physically and mentally tired before hitting the hay, and Partner A gets upset because "I'm helping, why hasn't this changed?" Well, yes, you're helping, but still the equivalent of one more task on her to-do list. As long as the expectation is there, the trap can be sprung.

Better advice is, you'll log into Chore Wars, make a list together of things that need to be done, and divide them up among you because you are a decent human being and it needs to be done, with no expectation of reciprocation other than your partner doing their share.

The rest of your advice, about planning downtime and adult time, is very solid.

Oct 26 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Agree with everyone saying DO NOT make it her job to put you to beddy-by like yet another kid she has to take care of. There is already enough danger of losing the spark in a LTR and that is a good way to kill it dead.

Seriously, WOES. Take heed.

You are making yourself yet one more item on her list of chores for the day. Wake up, brush teeth, get kids fed, get kids dressed, get kids to school, go to work, work, come home, do this, do that, do the other, bathe, laundry, bedtime. If you become one more item on her to-do list of interminable chores, well, guess what, "fuck husband" is going to slide lower and lower because she has other priorities.
Oct 22 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Can we dispense with the premise that women don't know the difference between somebody intending to creep on/prey on them, and somebody who is just going about their business? That we're incapable of reading body language and people who intend to push on our boundaries and our safety because our poor little ladybrains can't handle the cold cruel world?

True story: my older sister used to have a big black mutt dog. They got him from a street litter when he was 8 weeks old and he looked like a lab puppy. A year later, he grew up to be 110 pounds, he came up to my hip (I'm 5'9") and going by what we knew of the parents and how he looked, he was part black lab, part afghan hound, and part great dane. This dog was a total sweetheart and all he wanted to do was either swim or sit in your lap and cuddle...unless he thought somebody was threatening my sister.

One day, she was out walking him with me and my mom there. Across the street, a man none of us knew started staring at her and walking towards her with those kind of predatory moves we all know at this point mean CREEPER. And...this dog saw the guy. He turned to face him, with his tail straight up, and the mane on his neck straight up, and staring the guy down. If you've ever seen an afghan or a greyhound or any other sighthound working prey, you've seen that stare.

The man took one look at this dog and found somewhere else to be, quick. The dog relaxed went back to wagging his tail and smiling.

So....why is it that when I tell this story, people trust the dog's reaction, but don't trust my reaction, or that of my mother or my sister? If I say, the guy was behaving in a way that men who have creeped on us behave, I get told I'm overreacting, or maybe he just wanted XXXX, or what have you. But when the dog saw the same damn thing, and reacted to this man the way he would to a predator threatening my sister, the dog is right? Why would we believe the judgement of a dog over the judgement of a woman?

Because that's what #8 did to LW #1. LW1 knows what creepers look like, well enough to warn him off her child. LW1's daughter felt uncomfortable and unhappy and creeped on, which is usually what happens when somebody is creeping on you.
Oct 16 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Cockyboys, Shymoms, Armpits.
B @13 my first thought was, it's a porn version of Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman's Good Omens. With twinks.

Which....I would watch the living loving hell out of that, were it real. Especially Pepper and War being a pair of young and older redheaded butches, Aziraphale and Crowley being their bad selves, and the witch and witch hunter being a delightful BDSM couple who get to their dungeon on a bicycle.

I would SO watch the hell out of that.
Oct 11 slinky commented on Savage Love.
An extra special fuck-you to LW #1....

You want a woman you can cherish.

Not, a partner, somebody you do fun things with, somebody to go through life's little irritations and special moments, but somebody you can put on a pedestal and admire and think to yourself how nice they are.

You know, a trophy who you want to show off to all your male friends, that look at what you did, you landed the Hot Young Thing.

EVERY single dude I've ever dated who talked about "cherishing women" never, at the end of the day, saw me as a person. I was a thing, an ornament to wear on their arms, a cipher with tits and ass for their idea of the kind of man they wanted to be.

I don't date men who talk about cherishing women any more.

It is so toxic and so poisonous. In fact, your entire approach to dating is toxic and poisonous, especially to you. Stop it.
Oct 1 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Too Good To Be True.
@35, the obvious answer to me is a couple where one woman is a lesbian, one is bi and would like some dick, and that is how they roll.
Sep 2 slinky commented on Renting Prince Charming: Dating Shows, Sex Work, Dating Shows As Sex Work, and Making a Gay Dating Show Work.
Raise your hands if you'd watch a show with a hunky older bear kicking ass and being awesome, regardless of if it was a dating show or not. Kind of like a gay dude Xena: Warrior Princess, only with a hunky older bear as the Warrior Prince and a starry-eyed twink playing Gabriel.
Sep 1 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Also, @Hunter78:

"Gays are disproportionately represented in fields such as women's hair dressing, beauty salons, and fashions."

So, hair dressing, florists, fashion shops, interior designers. What do all of these have in common, economically?

They're all the kind of business where a person can be an independent operator/consultant/business owner and make a reliable living out of it. If you are the kind of person where you are at risk of being fired or never hired because of who you are, you find yourself a job where you can make a living and be your own boss. If you can't be your own boss, like a male nurse, you make sure you are in a profession where you are in high enough demand that if you have a license and you're not a total waste of oxygen, somebody will hire you and pay you a living wage. (I know age 70+ retired nurses who let their licenses lapse who get calls from recruiters offering to pay for the continuing ed courses they need to be relicensed, nurses are in that much demand.)

Because it wasn't that long ago that the only gay men who were out were the gay men who were/are so gay they couldn't be *in.* The ones who were sissy boys, or the ones who were flaming queens, or the ones who were Tom of Finland over-the-top-butch gay. They still had to live and they still had to eat, so they picked careers where they could do that. The ones who could hide in the closet and not arouse suspicion stayed in the closet, sometimes for decades, because they could stay in the closet and work as a teacher/engineer/lawyer/civil servant/whatever and live indoors and eat hot food.
Sep 1 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@13, the vast majority of lesbian women (both cis and trans) I've met are highly interested in female clothing.

Especially shoes.
Aug 13 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Swinging Double Standards.
@9, there was a study a couple of years ago that said, yes, women DO like casual sex....but they're picky about who with, because the physical and social risks that women disproportinately bear from sex (pregnancy being the big one, followed by disease, sexual assault/rape, slut shaming, and being treated like a living masturbation sleeve) are high. They were willing to have casual sex, but only with a person they felt safe with and who they thought would pay attention to their pleasure.

When, "will this person kill or violently assault me" is a real everyday threat in your dating and sexual life, and you know that if he does try to kill or violently assault you that you will have your entire life picked apart in vivid detail, your past sexual experience questions, and flat out called a liar, you learn to be choosy of who you want to get naked with.

When, "Will I find myself with an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy as a result of having sex with this person" is an everyday reality for you, which no matter what the outcome will end with a bloody mess, you learn to be picky about who you fuck and when.