Jan 6 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Trump Supporters Want Invite To Their Gay Wedding.
LW, you have to talk to your partner. There's no other way.

If money is an issue, or if your future mother-in-law's money is what is giving her leverage for inviting people you don't want, in my county of residence, a marriage licence and JP wedding will run you about $100 (including parking near the courthouse). Good suits are inexpensive and a simple rose boutonniere is about $10 each. Saying, "I would rather have a JP wedding than have XXX people you don't like there" is a bit of a nuclear option, but it's also the option that removes MIL's veto power over your guest list.

(A note from my own family: when my sister got married, we had several guests who were invited to the wedding because they were friends of my parents, and many of them only showed up because of the prospect of seeing my sister's matron of honour actually wearing a dress. You do NOT have to be like that.)

Moving on to another point. Are these Trump-supporting relatives somebody you will interact with on a regular basis, or are they cousins or something that nobody is close to? If the relative will be a brother-in-law, probably you can't cut your soon-to-be husband's brother from the guest list without heartache. If the relative is an uncle or great-aunt or someone more distant than a sibling, then the next option is, "Immediate family and invited friends only." People outside that immediate loop might be annoyed at being cut out, but the "immediate family and closest friends" boundary is something almost everyone will accept with grace. AND, more importantly, it makes it about you and your husband, and not politics. Even if the real reason is politics, that fig leaf is big enough to hide behind.

Good luck.
Jan 3 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Newly Engageed Woman Debates Confessing Bullshit "Infidelity" Or Keeping Mouth Shut.
Ok, Floribama, I'm guessing from your name that you were raised in a southern Christian home and possibly an evangelical one. Yes?

One of the uglier, more sadistic aspects of that culture (which I also grew up in) is that the temptation is as great a crime as the action. In other words, the very notion that you were tempted to cheat and that you did some physical stuff (a makeout, a few calls) in that worldview is basically equivalent to you actually fucking this man, because (a) you were tempted to begin with, (b) you had sexual thoughts about someone not your partner, and (c) you didn't immediately squash them to heel. As a result, you're now suffering from shame on multiple levels.

Shame is how southern culture controls you. Shame is how you fall into your social role no matter how bad it hurts, because the fear of retribution and exclusion from the group is worse. You'll no longer be seen as a good human being, but as a sinner (and possibly a whore, depending on how conservative your upbringing was). Never mind that all humans are flawed and will fail, including you, me, your fiancé, and everyone else, the fact that YOU, specifically, failed, can't be tolerated. So you're looking for someone else to berate you and make you feel that shame, even though the other half of that (grace and forgiveness) is equally theirs to give. Yes?

True story: a few years ago, a male coworker propositioned me for sex. I turned him down. It wasn't that I wasn't interested, because I was and we'd been flirting pretty hard. But once it was on the table, I couldn't go there. It was weird for a while, we made things better, and life went on.

But: up until that point in my life, I was one of those people who would Never Cheat. Now, I know I would and could, in the right circumstances. That knowledge made me sit down and think long and hard about myself, and other people around me. That to some people we both knew, the mere fact that we as adults even had that conversation makes us both guilty of cheating, even when I made the conscious decision NOT to. Why?

Well, if the temptation is equally bad as the actual sin, then we're both sinners.

Since we're both sinners, we both deserve shame.

Even when nothing happened.

Think on this, and bring it up with your therapist. I suspect this may be a big part of what is eating away at you.
Jan 3 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Marathon Man & Woman.
I've taken Plan B after a condom broke and it was not fun.

Today sponge + pull out + WASH THAT THING after orgasming + toys + oral + fingers + anal.

But seriously, if babies are 100% not on the agenda, wrap it up. $15 for a box of the nice condoms is way, way less than 40 times that for the abortion.
Dec 24, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: New To America & Ready To Get Laid.
Something else, NAIVE, is...cultural differences in dating do matter.

It's not just, don't assume that western women wearing sexy clothes are down to fuck no matter what, or that a move you make trying to get their attention might feel massively awkward and weird to them.

It also means that they don't know how to read YOUR cultural signals, either. They might miss them, they might notice that you're doing something and figure it's important but don't know what it means, or they might misinterpret them completely.

Since you're the immigrant to the dominant culture, you're stuck in a bit of a bind: it's on you to figure out how to work in your new society, but there isn't an instruction manual of any kind and you are having to learn as an adult things most people around you learned as small children. You have to learn to use the phone again, and you might have different road signs to deal with, and if you came from a country using the metric system to the US now you are using a totally different system of measurements.

Dating is no different. If your first language is not English, then you have another layer of difficulty piled on there.

So, if it helps, remind yourself from time to time that you're playing this game in Hard Mode.
Dec 24, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: New To America & Ready To Get Laid.
I disagree with this advice from @26: "It's a strange irony that if you're looking for a sexual relationship, your best bet is to make it look, at least at first, like you're looking for a not-necessarily-sexual relationship. "

There's a big difference between "you have to be willing to treat somebody as a person even though the only thing you want is to get into her pants" and "you have to make it look like you you are looking for a not-necessarily-sexual relationship."

NAIVE, if you're still reading, read this:


And in particular this comment:

"You can claim all you like that “it’s not about fucking.” But realistically, what you want is to talk, and get to know her, and go on a few dates, and make it a very intimate relationship...and then fuck.

And if fucking’s not a part of it, chances are extremely good that you’re going to feel like she’s wasted your time. Which makes you a liar. It’s like you’re saying, “Oh, no, going out to a restaurant’s not about the eating! It’s about the atmosphere, the good conversation, the experience.” But if you got the bill and went home hungry, you’d be ripped off.
The point is that yes, maybe fucking isn’t your primary intention, but it’s certainly well in the mix. And they know that. And you going up to them and dancing around your boner, going, “No, this is about getting to know each other! It’s about conversation!” is the kind of sad tactic that makes women not trust you. Because yeah. You want other stuff, but all that is stuff you could get elsewhere. You could have many fine friends who you don’t fuck. Instead, you’re lying about the friendship, and what you really want is the sex."

Dec 14, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@26...and LW1 recognizes that it's not okay to blame her white partners, and wrote in asking how to deal.

There is a world of difference between being in pain and asking for help on how to deal with that pain, and being in pain and lashing out at anything and everything in the way.

It is totally fair and justified for LW1 to feel like her life is at the whim of white people because in many cases, it is. Certainly the election of Trump is a whitelash. The whole thing about All Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter is that it's white people not owning up to the fact that black people are treated very differently...over something as heartbreakingly simple as not wanting people like them to be killed by police. I don't know where LW1 lives, but if she's in Baltimore or Cleveland or Baton Rouge or New Orleans, she's justified in feeling like she's living in a place where people hate her for who she is, because some people do.

And what we can do, and what her white partners can do, is recognize that while we're all wounded by this, there are some people who are wounded more deeply than others and the kindest thing we can do for our more deeply wounded friends is get the hell out of the way.
Dec 14, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Can we please stop with HRC wasn't a strong candidate? She won the popular vote by a number equal to the population of Chicago, for goodness' sake. The reason we're not talking about her transition team now is because of about 80,000 votes in three states that nobody ever thinks of when you talk about where to go on a week-long holiday and a legal construct that was put in place to convince white male slaveowners to sign on to this idea of a United States (and if you don't believe me on that, then tell me why for 32 of the first 36 years of the republic the president was a white slaveholding man from Virginia).

All the way through the general races, the standard Clinton was held to was utter perfection. Anything less meant that she was a failure and should step aside. The standard that Trump was held to was, "show up and have a pulse." Holy flying piece of crap, Batman...if you ever wanted to see clear double standards to men and to women, look right at that and don't look away. Remember all the hand-wringing about how he "didn't look presidential?" Oh dear, he doesn't look the way he should....maybe next time he'll be able to string two coherent sentences together!

By the way, once again all of the above is more proof you can't logic someone into a position they didn't logic themselves into.
Dec 13, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Parkerg @3, it's the feeling or the dread that the people you're fucking, deep down inside, don't actually think of you as human.

Political outcomes are a crucible in which one's true views of society become known.
Dec 13, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.

Straight cis white woman here.

It's not that we didn't try. We did. It's not that we didn't offer logical well-reasoned arguments and not that we didn't go for emotional hooks. You can't logic a person into a position they didn't logic themselves into. Look at the woman in this story: http://www.vox.com/2016/12/13/13901874/o… She didn't logic and reason herself into a vote, but voted for someone who promised to repeal the Affordable Care Act even though it's the reason her husband is able to get medical treatment now...because she didn't believe he'd really repeal the law. Even though he said he would. Even though the person he's nominated for Secretary of Health not only wants to repeal the ACA, but essentially dismantle Medicare. Even though the R's in Congress have voted for almost a decade to repeal the ACA.

And if you can't logic someone into a position they didn't logic themselves into, you sure as hell can't emotion them into emotions they can't or won't process. Why are Black Lives Matter not peacefully protesting? Except when they do, or when they take a knee at a football game, or wear a t-shirt and nothing else, etc, etc.

None of the above excuses what happened. None of the above makes your reaction any less valid.

None of what I wrote, however well reasoned, will be any comfort to you at all, because there's nothing that can comfort the pain of feeling that a huge chunk of the people who you live with don't actually see you as human.

I have only one suggestion: when you tell your white partners that you need to not be intimate with them for a while (however you define intimate), tell them to have the grace to let you lick your wounds in private. We're all wounded, but it's fair to say that your wounds (a queer woman of colour in a world that kills people like you) run closer to the bone your white partners'. By telling them to give you space and privacy, you draw a big bright line that they are not allowed to use you to process their emotions for them. They can find somebody else.

I am so fucking sorry.
Dec 7, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.

"My main problem is the lying, although I'm not happy about the texting - the ex would try to break us up in a heartbeat if she could, and has said as much."

If you think about it, it's more than just the lying. It's the sneaking.

While everybody is allowed to have privacy, if you're sneaking around and hiding something important from somebody you generally shouldn't hide important stuff from, probably you shouldn't be doing That Thing (general-case "you" here). That can be work stuff that you're sneaking around the boss or sneaking around a teammate, sneaking around a spouse, or hiding something really important from a good friend.

Your man is sneaking and hiding stuff from you, and when you figure it out, he's lying to you about it. That's super-shitty. And he knows it's shitty, or he wouldn't be sneaking around and hiding stuff from you.

Might want to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.