nocutename
Berkeley, California
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7:06 AM nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
No one deliberately introduces someone that they think is an asshat or abuser into their children's lives. Sometimes it takes quite a while for an asshat to reveal him or herself. I never understand the point of piling on with the "why did you introduce him to your kids before you were sure?" accusations. DonnyKlicious, I'm glad that the woman you knew was a keeper at 6 months when you introduced her to your kids has proved to still be one 7 years later. Many people get married thinking that their spouse is "a keeper" and that marriage is over 7 years later.

I once waited 6 months to introduce my kids to the man I was dating, quite deliberately because I wanted to make sure that he was a real and lasting thing (and it wasn't just a timeline with a six month point marked off I was waiting for, but a more formal and durable thing which was revealing itself) and he broke up with me several days later. Maybe the nature of the relationship implied by that introduction spooked him. Who knows? The kids knew of his existence beforehand anyway, knew how much I obviously liked him, as I had talked about him, and had no attachments to him after a single meeting. Of course, they were teenagers, not little kids, and he wasn't acting in a parent-like capacity. That is where I think the more tricky part comes in: I don't think it's a good idea to move in with your lover (or move your lover in) if you have young kids living at home unless you are really sure that this is going to be a lasting thing. But again, most people get married or move in together when kids aren't involved thinking it's going to be a lasting thing, and it so often isn't.

Parents who are single and dating have to make a lot of choices about when to introduce their kids to their partners, and I think they often weigh factors and make what seems to them to be the right choice at the time. And indeed, only time will prove that decision to be the correct one. Unless we're talking about the parent who moves the obviously asshatty partner in after a three-weeks' acquaintance, I think we should cut this woman and other single parents a little slack.
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11:42 PM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
Fichu, I have to agree with those saying that the technique you suggest @22 is classic passive-aggression. It also seems unnecessary.
What the lw should do--but won't, because they never do, and she sounds thoroughly brainwashed--is to break up with this guy. She could simply say that the relationship is no longer working for her, which is true.
If he were to come out, she doesn't have to put him up at her house and she doesn't even have to see him, though breaking up in a public place might be an option.

Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
@15: Oh, i understand acknowledging children's affections. But he's not their dad and he's not someone that they see often or regularly. And I'm more concerned that she act in her own best interests while the motivation is strong.
So I'd be in favor of her DTMFAing while she has the nerve rather than waiting until her kids get a chance to say goodbye. For Chrissakes, she says she's suicidal.
Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
@9: LavaGirl, why should the lw "just somehow work it, so the children can say goodbye to him as well."?
Why can't she say to the kids (and we don't know how old they are): "I know you really like ---, but he isn't nice to me and he makes me feel bad about myself and I haven't felt that he really likes me, and I think I deserve better treatment from someone I love, so I broke up with him."?

Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@EmmaLiz: I like intimacy, but that's not what I was talking about. I'm perfectly capable of having great sex with a virtual stranger. And I like to be objectified (only by someone who knows me as a subject and agent first, however).
But I have to like the person to want to have sex with him. His physical attractiveness isn't enough if I get a sense of an unpleasant personality. I have to be able to make conversation with him. I often get the feeling that men will be quite interested in having sex with a woman despite not having anything at all to say to her or even if they don't find her in the slightest likable as a person; after all, she has a vagina, right? That's what I mean; that's the way I interpret the phrase "looking for some pussy," and the like. I might look for some dick, but I have to think that the man it's attached to is not someone I'd dislike if I knew better.
Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
Between some recent podcast questions and this letter, Dan's been calling a lot of attention to the way women allow themselves to be manipulated and emotionally abused by assholes and to try to take the blame for their own abuse and let the asshats off the hook.
Thank you, Dan. You're providing a valuable act of community service.
Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
Sometimes I wonder if a letter writer sees what they've written and goes, "oh."
Mar 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I sometimes wish I could have a man-sized amount of testosterone for a month or so, just to try and really get it: to feel that sense of being at the mercy of my libido. It sounds baffling to me.

I am a woman who loves sex. I like to think about sex. I write about sex. I often want more sex than the men that I date. I masturbate when I get the opportunity (which is not necessarily daily, given the circumstances of my life and the fact that I don't/can't rub a quick one out in the bathroom silently), even if I'm not feeling particularly horny (more about that word in a moment), because I know I'll like it when I get there and I know I need to take advantage of opportunities when they come along. I write and publish erotica. And still, I have no idea what that feeling is like that I've read described here by the men and BiDanFan. If I know that no sex or even masturbation is going to be possible for a prolonged while, it's as if a switch in me just turns quietly to the off position and I put all my libido on ice until such time as I can resume and I tend not to think about it too much. I may get annoyed that I'm doing without, but that's more of an intellectual annoyance ("geez! it's been 2 weeks since I've been able to masturbate. But in two days, I'll have the chance. Okay!"). As far as I can tell, I don't get cranky or frustrated when I don't have the opportunity to orgasm, and I never experience that need as a need for "release," as if pressure is building up inside and needs to be relieved or I'll explode. This is the way I've heard of others talk about it. If I can't have sex or masturbate, my sleep is not affected, nor is my mood, and I am capable of focusing on other things. I don't get antsy.

I like having sex with a partner in a totally different way than I like having solo orgasms through masturbation, but I have to say that I don't feel like an orgasm or three via masturbation just isn't "enough" for me. I'm single, and though I have a few FWBs, I see them infrequently and I feel grateful that a masturbation session is enough to satisfy the physical urge, even if I prefer partnered sex.

So I don't know if I ever feel "horny" (which is a word I just really and inexplicably detest) because I hate the word itself, or because I start wanting to have sex if I'm capable of getting it, and in its absence, I'm in hibernation mode. I don't like the idea of "looking for pussy," partly because I don't want to be reduced to my genitals, and partly because I never, ever think of "looking for dick." What I want to do is connect sexually with a person.

And I have to like him or enjoy talking to him to want to have sex with him. This doesn't mean I have to go on a zillion dates first; I've often had sex on the first date, sometimes within an hour or two of meeting someone. When I hear about someone looking for pussy, it sounds to me as though they're just looking for a human fleshlight and it bugs me. When I'm around someone I'm attracted to and if we're already in a sexual relationship or if we're working toward it, I can't keep my hands off him. I frequently initiate sex. If I read or write erotica or see an erotic image (not porn--I also hate porn), I start thinking about sex and kind of stoking my own desire level until I can masturbate. That's fun and I enjoy the build-up--and the orgasms are almost always stronger and more plentiful when there has been that build-up. So maybe I just think of the word "horny" differently than everyone else does but my actions would sound familiar to others. I don't know. At the moment, I feel like a frigid, sex-negative freak, reading these other comments.

@64: But DonnyKlicious, there's a vast, vast difference between an activity like vacuuming or washing dishes and reading a book. I enjoy reading a good book as much as I enjoy having sex (in a different way), whereas housework just needs to be done.
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Mar 23 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
One of the reasons I dislike the term "Judeo-Christian" so much is that it sets up what I think is a very inaccurate equivalency between Judaism and Christianity, which in my opinion have virtually nothing in common besides being "Abrahamic," for what that's worth.
Mar 23 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
I'm so glad you included that warning about the man who is planning to go to Russia to meet potential mail-order brides. When I heard that I thought there is a great chance that that man will not return from Russia. A very real possibility is that he'll be kidnapped and held for ransom, or kidnapped and have his accounts entirely drained. And then who knows? Dan, if you have a call-back number for the woman I think you should call her, because it's possible that she listens to the podcast but doesn't read the daily blog. At the very least, you should address the issue and offer corrected advice at the top of your next podcast. She may be unable to convince her dad not to go to Russia, but she should try hard. Rather than simply suggest he avail himself of paid sex workers in America, she might suggest that he limit himself to "meeting" the bride via the internet and sending for her. It sounds like dad wants a wife, not a regular session with a paid sex worker. He might still be taken financially, but there's a greater likelihood that his safety won't be at risk, and perhaps he'll get something, too.
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