nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Jan 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Allowed In His Spank Bank?.
I think it's common to assume that if I, a ---- have this experience/feel this way then that means that ll other ---- do the same. And that leads to pronouncements like "--- always feel or do thus-and-such."
Since I am a straight, cis woman, I can easily hear what a man--gay or straight or bi, cis or trans--says, and think, "that's not how women are."
But then I read people here and see that I'm neither representative nor completely atypical; that human sexuality encompasses a range of behaviors and responses, that it isn't as binary as I have been socialized to believe.

That's my hope: that I can see all different types of human experience and not assume that mine represents all womankind. At our best here in Savage Loveland, that's what Iu think we're capable of.

Thank you, everyone who contributes to my greater understanding and shatters my binary gender essentialism. I am grateful to you.
Jan 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Allowed In His Spank Bank?.
@BiDanFan: I mean, when I think of the greater scope of the fantasy, do I really care what the Sultan looks like? It's a power exchange fantasy. I'm fantasizing about the nature of the act; what it means, how it makes me feel.

I'm not a medical-scenario fetishist, but I wonder: when people who are have their spank-fantasy-wank-sessions, do they think about a specific person inhabiting the role of "doctor", or do they just think doctor?

I don't know how people who masturbate thinking about movie stars or sexy strangers do it: Would I look at clips of Ryan Gosling and think: "Oh now Ryan Gosling's biting my nipple. Oh yessss, Ryan Gosling? Touch my clit?"
Am I supposed to think: "Oh now that hot guy I saw at the supermarket is breathing on my neck. Now he takes out a hank of rope and ties my hands together?"

Seriously. I know I'm being snarky, but I don't get it. I didn't use to feel all that weird, but is this the way other people masturbate?

I have never even contemplated sitting in front of my computer and masturbating. For one thing, I find porn repulsive and off-putting. I hate the non-context of it. Worse, when a context is provided in mainstream porn, I find it stupid. The production quality turns me off. The actors turn me WAY OFF.
Looking at closeups of genitals isn't sexy to me.
And I don't want to watch someone else; I want to be the one having the fun.
I don't want to watch videos of myself, either: I just caught up in being critical of the way my body or face looks.

I am a word-girl, a reader and writer. I love story and I love evocative phrases. So I read well-written erotica (I like to think that my erotica is well-written, too.)
That's where I start.
And then my more animal brain takes over.
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Jan 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Allowed In His Spank Bank?.
@52: "But who is doing these sexy things to imaginary you?"
The sultan who's just bought me for his harem.
The members of a private club to whom I have been brought as a sort of hostess gift.
The men in the alleyway whose faces I can't see, because I'm shoved up against a dumpster with my hands tied and my boyfriend has invited all those interested to take a turn.
Some imagined/imaginary boyfriend and his best friend.
A character in a piece of literary erotica I read.
A character in a piece of literary erotica I wrote.
An ex

etc.

My mind tells me stories and those stories are sexy and I masturbate thinking about them. At some point further along in the proceedings, my mind starts focusing on a particular image or thought, generally about my own body (I don't know why, but just about the one thought that will consistently get me over the edge is that of some unknown person's finger sliding up my skirt and into me). Unless I'm thinking about the man I'm currently fucking or an ex-boyfriend of mine, I don't ever even think about the fantasy man/men as having faces, personalities, etc. They exist in my imagination to objectify me.
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Jan 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Allowed In His Spank Bank?.
Am I the only straight woman that doesn't wank to thoughts/images of hot guys I've seen?
This includes strangers on the street, billboards, friends (unless I'm already in a sexual relationship with them), colleagues, or movie stars.

I mean, don't get me wrong: I do masturbate. But I am not moved to start because I saw or remember seeing a particular man and I never, ever think about a man I don't know when I'm either masturbating or having sex with a partner. When I'm alone, I think about scenarios--sexy things that an imaginary "me" is doing or having done to me--I never think (as per Dan's most recent podcast): "Oh, Ryan Gosling!!!!"
Jan 18 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Lifelong Straight Guy Wants To Recreate Magical Gay Sex He Once Had With Smooth Guy Whose Queeny Ways Appealed to Him.
@Wandering Stars: Your story breaks my heart. I'm so glad you had your brother, and still have him. I'm so angry at your parents. I'm so sad for your childhood and so glad you got out and found your true home and have stayed true to yourself. You are obviously a very brave and a very strong man.

I think Ricardo is generally someone worth listening to, and I hope you two can find some fundamental core similarities or shared meaning.
Jan 16 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Lifelong Straight Guy Wants To Recreate Magical Gay Sex He Once Had With Smooth Guy Whose Queeny Ways Appealed to Him.
Ricardo, I first read you as saying it was definitely the altitude and I thought that even at sea level this guy sounds like he'd have problems getting laid.
Jan 13 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Tsunamis, Dream Jobs, and Other Reasons Not To End a Relationship Prematurely.
@3: this guy I know in Spokane, why isn't there a "like" button here?
Jan 13 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Tsunamis, Dream Jobs, and Other Reasons Not To End a Relationship Prematurely.
Predictions spookily on point, Dan. Any thoughts on the stock market?
Jan 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Stamping Out "Just My Preference" Gays.
Okay, dcp123 and DAVID, i'm a Berkelyite, too. Wonder if we ever crossed on the street.
A friend of mine with a child who is a different race than she and her husband contacted me a few years ago asking how difficult/easy it would be to be a mixed-race family in Berkeley. They wanted to move from New York City and were concerned about how they'd fit in or be received elsewhere. I was a one-woman booster club for the Berkeley/Oakland area. Ultimately though, the cost of housing, not all that different from NYC, kept them away.
Jan 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect.
I still pine sexually for an ex-boyfriend I dated for 7 months over 5 years ago. Some sexual connections are really rare. Oh well.