nocutename
Berkeley, California
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11:50 AM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Any couple negotiating its own openness sets its own rules. "No PIV outside our primary relationship" may be a rule for a particular couple, just like "only when you're out of town," or "only one-off's," or "I don't want to hear details about it," or "only people who have primary relationships of their own" might be rules that an individual couple might set up for themselves. It's not like there's a giant rule book, like The Colossal Book of Rules for Poly People, that has to be consulted and that "no PIV" is number 164 or something.
9:25 AM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Practically Married and Completely Sexless—And Want It To Stay That Way.
@20: Tim Horton, I don't understand this: "Interestingly, the stats say child-free marriages end up in divorce 50% more often than marriages with kids. I assumed it would be much higher when you consider the tremendous stress kids can put on a marriage." You mean that you expected that marriages with children would have a higher divorce rate than childless ones because of the strain that kids can cause? But you just pointed out, in the same comment, that :"I don't understand the pressure to keep a bad relationship intact in the absence of shared kids." And indeed, others share your opinion.

As you have pointed out, the existence of children, as well as bringing additional--maybe original--stress on a marriage, is also the string that ties many people to the marriage. Many matriages made unhappy due to the changes that the kids have wrought, stay intact for the sake of those kids. It's a bit ironic, but it's no paradox. Having strings can be either good or bad and it seems to me a bit of both within the same marriage from time to time or for different reasons.
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Sep 25 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Your Trip Advisor.
I don't think the timeline matters, nor does the length of the trip. I once broke up with someone 5 days before a weekend getaway because I had been walking around dreading the idea of that weekend for days, feeling it sit like a lump of cement in my belly and throat. How can anyone possibly enjoy a vacation like that?

Break up now. Offer to not go. Maybe the other people are primarily the lw's friends, and the bf will volunteer to not go, but the one who breaks up should be the one who backs out.
Sep 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@CMD: The situation I was in involved a man whose wife didn't want any other woman cooking for him. It was a marriage with pretty traditionally delineated gender roles. He didn't cook; not for himself, not for his wife, not for other women. She cooked, and she didn't want him eating anyone else's food. Nor did she want anyone else to be close enough to him to cook for him.

As for her theoretical lovers cooking for her, she wasn't going to have any lovers. The main reason they opened the marriage was that she didn't really enjoy sex and didn't want to have it. With anyone. When they first negotiated the open marriage, she chose to not exercise her right to take another partner. This was close to 10 years ago, and I haven't talked to him in well over 9, so who knows if she ever decided to have an extra-marital partner. Or perhaps the marriage ended. Even so, I can more likely imagine her cooking for another man much more easily than i can imagine her wanting a man--whether her husband or anyone else--cooking for her.

It was unique. It was maybe loving on her part. He was a bit of an ass.
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Sep 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@204: Regarding dress codes, Mr. Ven, I assume you're not referring to school uniforms, which I can see the plusses and minuses of in about equal measure.

I think that far too many schools have absurd codes: no wearing certain colors or no spaghetti straps, etc. I think boys should be held accountable for their behavior and girls shouldn't be shamed for dressing fashionably. I also dislike the way hard and fast rules don't take all kinds of mitigating factors into account. But I think there are ways of dressing that show respect for one's environment and ways of dressing that if not disrespectful are at least inappropriate. Looking like a ragamuffin is fine on a Saturday at the beach or around the house, but not at school or work, for example. So I am against codes but for common sense and the idea of dressing appropriate to one's environment. Hence I once stopped one of the Miss Cutes from wearing a pair of booty shorts to school not on the grounds that it was immodest or that she would be distracting the boys or what have you, but rather on the grounds that what she was wearing was better suited to a weekend day than a school outfit.
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Sep 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@BiDanFan: I once dated a man who had recently opened his marriage. His wife allowed any sexual activity at all. But her hard limit was that no other woman was allowed to cook for him; that was how she showed her love and what for her was an intimate gesture.

I assured him that the limit was safe with me.
Sep 24 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@BiDanFan:
I'm as kinky as my partner is; in other words, I swing between being pretty darn kinky, to mildly kinky to downright vanilla, depending on whom I'm with. I find I can have a good time at any of the points on the continuum, depending on my level of attraction, how much heat we're generating, skills, etc.

I've been with men in open relationships for whom "no PIV" was a ground rule, and I have to say, it neither surprised me nor kept us from having a ton of fun--and some of these guys were as vanilla as it gets. After all, there is a lot more to even the vanilla-ist of sex than PIV.
Sep 23 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
BTW, there's absolutely nothing in SNIP's letter to suggest she's not taking precautions to not become pregnant herself. Given her explicit statement regarding her absolute conviction against being either a mother or a step mother, we can pretty safely assume that she's using some form of contraception and is willing to have an abortion in case of accidental pregnancy. She isn't worried that she's going to get pregnant.
Sep 23 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
If one member of a couple is not comfortable with the terms of an open relationship, the relationship should be closed by mutual consent until each partner is satisfied that their comfort levels are high enough.

There are a ton of circumstances that could cause someone to be anxious about having an open relationship. If the primary relationship is really primary, if each partner's needs and comfort and diminishment of anxiety are really important to the other, then it should be an obvious first step to close down the relationship at least until the issues get resolved and the couple comes to an understanding that is acceptable to both.
Sep 23 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I'm female, 26, and in an open marriage with a wonderful man. I am having a recurring fear that he'll get some other woman pregnant and she will refuse to abort. I trust him, but condoms break (or get holes poked in them). He inherited serious money from his father, and his father got "oops'd" into having three kids. I would immediately divorce my husband if this happened. (Yes, I'm an asshole, but my life plans have NEVER included children, step or otherwise.) My solution is for him to get a vasectomy. He says he's for it, but it's been a YEAR and he hasn't made an appointment. I'm seriously considering yanking "open" until he's sterile. Maybe he really wants children and he's not telling me, but I keep asking and he keeps saying no. Am I being unreasonable asking for the snip?

We don't know how long this marriage has been open (or how long it has existed, period. She's 26, so I assume not too long-- though Dan could have changed her age as he often does little identifying details), or whose idea it was to open it. It's hard to know if either SNIP or her husband is worried about his money or whether his father's three accidental children simply put the idea that children can be conceived easily and unintentionally or without the father's intention into her mind.

She's right to worry about pregnancy--that's a very common side effect of sex. She can't order a woman to abort and she can't force her husband into getting a vasectomy--the only person whose actions she can control is herself. If she is this fearful about the consequences that can arise from opening the marriage, I think she needs to share them and the couple needs to close down the marriage until she is no longer so fearful.

She says she's "asking" him to get a vasectomy, but she needs to accept that it's his body and his choice what he does with it. It sounds like she's harping continuously about this ("Maybe he really wants children and he's not telling me, but I keep asking and he keeps saying no") and maybe he wants to keep his options to have children open, or maybe he is just nervous about having someone do something that will affect his genitals for fear of pain or erectile functionality, or maybe he does get off on the idea that he's spewing his seed when he has sex. Whatever. These are all legitimate concerns and they are his and not hers to override.

They need to talk.
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