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nocutename
Berkeley, California
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TMI

  • No legs and a million dollars or A million legs and no dollars
  • Dina Martina or Jean Godden
  • What song do you want played at your funeral?: I Should Have Known Better
  • Dan Savage or Charles Mudede
  • Vampire or Zombie

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10:30 AM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Look, we live in a youth-obsessed culture. And nowhere is it more pressing than when you're looking for new romantic or sexual partners. But we're all going to age--that is, if we're lucky, and learning how do so gracefully is important. Remember Dan's advice to a teenage boy about how to become the guy who will get laid? It's a similar concept. Invest your energy and effort into making yourself a worthy companion based on more than your youth. You can still be physically attractive, even, as Chaucer59 and Polyphemus point out, in excellent physical shape as you hit middle age and beyond. But at least equally important, and for many of us, even more important, you can be an interesting, accomplished, funny, kind person. Those are the people many of us want to be around for any length of time as we ourselves get older, too.

The only time that youth alone is the most important quality is often in a casual hookup--and even then, if your own standards are reasonable, those folks may return the interest. So maybe OVER, your days of casual hookups will become a bit less frequent or easily-achieved, but you also may be looking for something else (at least primarily) as you get older, too.

Lastly, I have gay friends in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, none Adonises, and none of them seem to have any difficulty finding men to hook up with for a fling. Of course, they aren't only looking for Adonises, either . . .
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Jul 22 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Also OVER: Ian McKellen, 75.
'Nuff said.
Jul 22 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Thanks, busy_quilting. I'm looking forward to reading it, even if it isn't one of the ones you mentioned. "Quietly hilarious" sounds perfect!
Jul 22 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
OVER: No one had a 35-years-old freakout like Dante: "Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in the dark woods, the right road lost . . ."
Now that's a mid-life crisis.
You're in good company.

And see what he accomplished?
Jul 22 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Bless you, Alison Cummins: "Dan has used em dashes to set off a parenthetical clause." Be still, my fevered brain!

Mr. Ven: I just picked up my first Barbara Pym ("No Fond Return of Love"), but feel certain that you are familiar with her work. What do I need to know going in?
Jul 22 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Every so often you knock 'em out of the park, Dan. Bravo!
Jul 20 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@EricaP: I met one guy like that. I went over once and discovered that; I never went back.
Jul 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
And I'm pretty sure (though of course I could be wrong) that NTKS is talking about limits set by an agreement s/he has with his/her spouse, not being on her period. Otherwise, why this introduction: "A lot of kink and fetish events and parties are not sex-friendly—it is standard to meet someone at one of these things to get tied up and smacked around while still remaining within the bounds of one's marriage vows as far as anything below the belt is concerned."

NTKS--whose sign off describes him/her as being new to the kink scene, is thrown by the fact that this newest event is billed as a "sex-friendly" one, not a strictly BDSM one. This suggests that intercourse or genital involvement may be expected and NTKS and spouse have an agreement under which outside contact is limited to kink--which seems to be defined in this letter and between this couple as activities involving bondage and s/m. NTKS worries that s/he may be leading his/her bondage session partner on with an unspoken expectation of sex, when all NTKS wants or is willing to participate in is the bondage. Why? Because s/he wants to "still remain[ing] within the bounds of one's marriage vows as far as anything below the belt is concerned."

One can be "out of commission" for a lot of reasons beyond menstruation, and there's nothing in the original letter to suggest that this is about a period. In any case, the advice holds either way: TALK BEFOREHAND. Communicate. Make your boundaries known--you don't even need to give your reasons.
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Jul 19 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@74: While it's impossible to be 100% sure what gender NTKS is, or whether being "out of commission" refers to having a period or having boundaries that include no direct genital contact, I don't see the comment "It seems rude to string someone along (ha!)" being a reference to menstruation.

Right before that, NTKS said: if you are going to an event that is promoted as "sex-friendly," and you have arranged to meet someone there for, say, an extended rope bondage session, how do you broach the issue of being "out of commission" for sex but still happy to get tied up?

In context, it seems clear that the joke about "stringing someone along" is a reference to the fact that the activity that has been planned is an extended rope bondage session--which, by the way, makes the stringing along joke not only more appropriate, but also more tasteful and a lot funnier--and not an obscure reference to a tampon string.
Jul 17 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@53: Manwich, if you're at a gay dance-club-type bar or a gay bar with a more varied clientele with a woman who's obviously your girlfriend, I very much doubt a guy is going to try to buy you a drink. But if someone says, "can I buy you a drink?" you just have to say, "no thanks." You two really shouldn't be at a more strictly gay-men-only kind of place.
 
 

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