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Apr 8 DRF commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The End of the Affair(s).
This guy should not be with either of these women. Won't-upgrade-him-from-DLS and won't/can't-talk-to-him are both dealbreakers.

Looking at just the first woman alone, if this were a woman writing in about a married man who says his wife doesn't sleep with him any more, we'd all be saying, "He's a big fat liar and he's using you!" Yes men and women are different, but in this case I think it applies. If this woman really is his friend then she'll stay his friend after he tells her that he has to move on romantically (but I think we all know that's less likely).

Sad but true: A 38-year-old man who has a job and is open to kids is more likely to find a partner than his female counterpart.
Mar 31 DRF commented on Going Clear Is Amazing and Depressing and You Should See It.
I liked that Going Clear was balanced. It showed why people fell Scientology in the first place: In their sessions, people would talk about their problems with the aim of resolving negative emotions, which made them feel better--and why wouldn't it? One speaker said something like, "It was great and it helped me work out my issues. Only when I said, 'I'm cured and I want to leave,' did the manipulative tactics come out." The fact that it was presented as an alternative to both psychology and to the drugs that were so common in the sixties and seventies made the movement much more understandable. But it doesn't pull its punches about its financially motivated origins, ridiculous mythology or abuses. It made much more sense than if they'd portrayed everyone as a bunch of brainwashed nuts.
Mar 27 DRF commented on Alison Stevenson Won't Suck Your Dick.
@72 While I agree that not every agreement between consenting adults is automatically okay, what the heck is wrong with this one? If her partner/s are okay with not getting oral sex and she's okay with having a smaller pool of potential partners then whose beeswax is it? The fact that she printed this article means she's not pulling a bait-and-switch.
Mar 26 DRF commented on Alison Stevenson Won't Suck Your Dick.
1) The word "sex" has the default meaning of "penetrative sexual intercourse." That's why we use qualifiers like "oral" to refer to other kinds. Ms. Stevenson is not wrong just because she didn't use the word the way Mr. Savage likes to. Fussing about how other people are just wrong when they are not is not a good way to change the English language.

2) Other than that, 100% yeah. If men don't like that Ms. Stevenson doesn't perform oral sex on them, then they're free not to date her. If anything, this article has saved a lot of BJ-loving guys some time.
Mar 26 DRF commented on Savage Love Letters of the Day: You've Got Hate Mail.
In the response to NAL, Mr. Savage is wrong about exactly one thing: adverbs that end in ly should not be hyphenated. He and his spouse are "legally married," not "legally-married." Mr. Savage is a "highly successful semi-professional neologism creator," not a "highly-successful" one.
Mar 13 DRF commented on Savage Love.
@156 I would certainly agree that the fact that the girls didn't think they were victims and the perpetrator considered himself a nice guy should have no legal bearing. Just because those girls didn't feel like victims doesn't mean no harm was done them. Even if some of them experience no lasting harm, that doesn't mean it wasn't a crime; someone here put up an analogy of how drunk and reckless driving don't always kill people but that doesn't make it okay.

It's not about whether the young person wanted sex. Young people want lots of things that are not good for them. It's more about power and consequences. Of course most teenagers want sex. It's the adult's job to say no.

Other questions: Did this man's multiple partners know about each other? Did he lie to them about plans for the future or knowingly refrain from correcting their misconceptions? An adult knows how to take sweet words with a grain of salt and has a fighting chance to avoid being used. Kids usually don't.
Mar 13 DRF commented on Savage Love.
@104 and others.

I see a lot of people in here going. "Oh your wife shouldn't be upset about a little thing like that!" 1) Just because you wouldn't mind doesn't mean she's not allowed to and 2) SHOULDN'T IS NOT THE SAME AS WON'T BE. This guy's marriage sounds a little conservative. To, some people, things like this are still really important. If the LW tells her the truth, it should not be in a way that dismisses her feelings.
Mar 12 DRF commented on Savage Love.
Everyone should read the article that Alison Cummins recommended: One of the milder sentences reads, Later, I couldn't understand why he never called me again, why he didn't want to be my boyfriend.

People who want something often tell lies, half-truths or things that they've convinced themselves are true to get it. An adult can be expected to weigh "I love you," "I'm getting divorced from my spouse because I'd rather be with you," "if your parents kick you out I'll help you" and a million other things in context and figure out how much salt to add. Kids usually can't. Statutory rape laws are a way of leveling the playing field and making sure those inclined to pick stick to people remotely close to their own size.

There may be studies showing that many teenagers are not damaged by sexual relationships with adults, but there are also studies showing that teenagers are not as good as weighing risk as adults. Remember that sex involves risk, risk of emotional damage yes but also pregnancy and disease. Do you think it would be easier for an thirty-year-old to convince a fifteen-year-old that they don't really need a condom than to convince a twenty-five-year-old? Heck yes.

An nineteen-year-old should be allowed to date a seventeen-year-old. In fact, this is how it works in many states.

Old Crow, that completely sucks. Thanks for telling us about it.
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Mar 11 DRF commented on Savage Love.
@13 Plenty of people are squicked out by the idea multiple partners. You know how sexual experimentation can be an expression of the ideals of freedom, self-knowledge and personal courage? Sexual exclusivity is associated with faithfulness, steadfastness and self-control. Sex is also associated with emotion for most people, so having had sex with only one partner gives that person more of one's emotional focus. Plus there are practical advantages like less risk of disease.
Mar 11 DRF commented on Savage Love.
"She's seen doctors but ignores their advice, and tells me she feels bad for me but there's nothing she can do."

This sums it up for me. According to BLUEBALLS, there is something she can do, not ignore her doctors, and she's not doing it. I agree with Sea Otter, though. If she hasn't been treated specifically for depression, she should be, and even then it wouldn't be an easy fix. Also, if she does have a case of depression this serious, it's probably affecting their marriage and her life outside their sex life as well.
 

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