commented on SL Letter of the Day: Give Up Already
It's interesting. I feel like by reading Dan Savage over the years, I've come to a much more enlightened viewpoint on sexuality. But I've also become more and more appreciative of being single.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Another Polyproblema
I think the point about the whole "emotional monogamy" thing made earlier doesn't necessarily work. The LW doesn't say the bf is emotionally involved with the poly chick; I found it telling that there was in fact no mention of that concern specifically. He may just be like me and like the lack of hassle, reduced concern about STDs, and guaranteed sexual compatibility that comes with having a regular hookup. If the LW is regularly getting it on with random hookups, it just seems controlling and dysfunctional to me to try and dictate to the boyfriend how he has to manage his sexual activities with others.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sarcasm Uptake Inhibitors
I was once with a guy who would gaslight me along these lines. He was a deeply insecure man, who I believe was initially attracted to me because (ironically) I am not conventionally attractive and he thought the fact that I am socially awkward meant I had low self-esteem. He became intimidated when he realized I have a wide circle of very close friends, a family who loves me dearly and a very successful career. My social awkwardness is the result of a learning disability. He thought he would have all the power in the relationship because he was very good looking and athletic, but had very low self esteem himself (in addition to very few truly close friends and a dead-end job), thus the desire to have all the power in the relationship. He was constantly undermining me, often subtly but sometimes quite obviously.
I never saw romantic relationships as a power struggle, and my previous boyfriends had treated me very well. I didn't realize what was going on with regard to the gaslighting. It never occurred to me that my own boyfriend would find me threatening. I only realized what was going on when I broke up with him for the simple reason that I realized the relationship was not adding to my happiness - I didn't know why, I just knew I was happier when I was single.
The truly sad part? In his own weird way, he was deeply in love with me. He was devastated when I ended the relationship, but he couldn't get past his own insecurities even then to be the kind of person I needed him to be (which was really just a normal, decent person, not anything superhuman).
LW, you need to drop this guy like a hot potato. He's not worth the grief he's causing you, and he's not going to change.
May 9, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Bonus Advice for Too Soon To Quit
I had an extreme case of depression in my early 20s brought on by multiple negative events, including the deaths of my best friend and her mother from long illnesses, the collapse of my lifelong career dreams, the messy divorce of my parents and the effects of a lifetime of untreated and severe ADD (in addition to other things). I realize everyone reacts differently, but at no time during this period did I treat my loved ones poorly. Another close friend was living with me at the time - literally staying in my dining room for 8 months - and at no time did I lash out at her. I also was not verbally abusive towards my romantic partners during that time. I knew I was in a bad place, and i wasn't blaming it on anyone else. It's one thing to lash out and RECOGNIZE that there is a problem. It's another thing entirely to lash out and continue as if this is acceptable behavior. I don't believe there was any indication in the LW's letter that her husband was recognizing the existence of a problem. And that's why I don't think she should stick around, even if it IS simply depression.
May 8, 2013
commented on Savage Love
If she moves out, she's still on the lease. This guy doesn't seem like someone I'd trust to pay the rent, so she could be on the hook for that. I don't know the legality of it, but maybe it would be better to move his stuff out and change the locks the next time he leaves the house.
And um, what's a squart?
May 6, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Hot Air
I'm sorry, but if I was with a guy and he didn't fall apart laughing when something like that happened, I would have to dump him.
Apr 8, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Porn Conundrum
Jesus. Just burn them. There is no reason to have them. I mean, really, are you going to sit around whacking off to a video of your 15-year-old self doing it with another 15-year-old? It's not like it's stuff you can show at family get-togethers or reunions. Keeping them (let alone COPYING and DISTRIBUTING them) is just not worth the risks. Honestly, it just seems like a particularly self-destructive streak of narcissism to insist on hanging on to them - no matter how awesome you think it was, what you did wasn't all that special. Destroy the films so you don't have to worry about it ever again.