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May 3 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@4: "BF whose GF got mad when he got hard while kissing another guy is a Kinsey 1 straight guy, whereas GF was expecting him to be Kinsey 0. In other words, she was highly disappointed that he didn't BARF or otherwise seem disgusted after making out with this very sexy guy at her specific request. (wtf...?)"

Yeah, let's unpack that a little more. She wanted her boyfriend to be a Kinsey 0, but then she wanted to put her Kinsey 0 boyfriend into a situation that common sense says ought to make his Kinsey 0 self deeply uncomfortable.

Strike One: she gets pleasure out of making other people deeply uncomfortable. Sociopath.

Then when he goes through with it as a special favor, she gets bent out of shape that he got enjoyment from the situation. This is HER fantasy; he isn't supposed to be enjoying himself; only she is. She gets all the pleasure, he is only supposed to be deeply uncomfortable.

Strike Two: she thinks other people should not get pleasure out of things. Pleasure is only for her. Selfish.

Then, after she talks him into doing it, she proceeds to reward him for doing what she told him to do, by punishing him over and over again for doing what she told him to do. (Did I mention he was doing what she told him to do?)

Strike Three: Batshit crazy. Or possibly just exceedingly stupid.

In any case, a swift DTMFA will be character-building for her, and an improvement in situation for him.
May 3 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Anyone who tells you, "That was solely for MY pleasure, you weren't supposed to get any pleasure out of it!" should be immediately and unceremoniously dumped for being a selfish, sociopathic, hypocritical, flaming asshole.

That's before you even get to the specifics of what the thing was, let alone whether she asked you to do it as a special favor for her.
Apr 28 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Wife Wants Him Hard But Hates the Boner Pills That Get Him Hard.
Forget the pills for a moment. It's a complete asshole maneuver on general principles to promise date night and then yank it on a last minute excuse, or swap out for Family Movie Night. Pills or no pills. (That said, I'd be willing to bet she is doing it on purpose to burn up your pill supply because she's so goddamned opposed to medical help.)

Tell her she has to cut that shit out right fucking now. The technical term for what she is doing to her date (i.e., you) is standing you up, and you won't stand for it. In non-marriage relationships doing that more than once or twice is grounds for getting dumped. Next time she pulls that shit, tell her that she can stay home with the kids and the babysitter if she wants, but you were planning to have date night, and if she won't go you will have it with someone else.
Apr 28 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@71: Hey, the difference between "cuckold" and "cuckold fetish" is pretty important to get right. Mistaking the former for the latter is how people end up divorced, or shot.

Letter Writer sounds to me like the sort who would experience this more toward the anguish side of the spectrum, and not so much on the sexual charge side At least that is how I take the phrase "I struggle with the thought of her having a boyfriend." He is trying to be giving and accommodating here, but this situation doesn't give him pleasure.

His wife had best be clear on that about him, and what that means in terms of how he feels treated by her. She had better be careful to be extra good to him, lest fears and resentments accumulate. If she gets caught up in the excitement of New Relationship Energy with the "very close friend," and forgets that there is someone supposedly important to her waiting at home, she may lose the marriage that she claims she wants to keep.
Apr 27 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@48: "I agree that "let her have other partners while you don't" sounds like an unrealistic solution here, but it's neither cheating nor cuckoldry, which is when men get a sexual kick out of their female partners fucking other men."

Technically, what you just described is "hotwife." If all they get is a sexual kick from her fucking other men, that's "hotwifing." If they experience anguish and negative feelings in the mix of sexual arousal from her fucking other men, that is called "cuckold fetish."

But the "cuckold" part of "cuckold fetish" is still all about how it's at least nominally against your will and makes you feel bad. Plain old "cuckold" still means when a partner has sex with others against your will or without your knowledge. When that happens, you are being "cuckolded." And yes, it is still "cheating" even when the spouse knows about it, so long as it is happening against spouse's will.

By the way, an interesting archaic term for the man who knows his wife is fucking around on him, and doesn't mind (or approves), is 'wittol.'
Apr 26 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
"Either you'll have to accept polyamory or your wife will have to drop it. There isn't really a middle ground here — or is there? "It's perfectly acceptable for HUSBAND to self-identify as monogamous while his wife practices polyamory," said Minx."

Oh, please. That's the kind of cheap-ass sophistry that gives poly people a bad name. That isn't "a middle ground," it's "capitulation." For him, it's the worst of both worlds: she goes off and does that thing that makes him miserable, and he stoically does nothing whatsoever other than putting up with it and trying to convince his uncooperative nervous system that everything is just fine, while he slowly develops a case of emotional PTSD. Framing that as some sort of super high-road for him to tread is bullshit, because it implies that he is the one being unenlightened if he fails to sign on for the challenge.

Bottom line advice for Letter Writer: if you can find something positive about the freedom that you will get for yourself out of opening the relationship, enough of a benefit that poly becomes something you want for yourself, then go for it. If that doesn't work for you, then there is nothing wrong with requesting that your wife recommit to honoring her vows. Lots and lots of monogamous people find themselves faced with desire for an outside party, and facing having to keep their commitments if they want to keep their spouse. Don't be bamboozled into the idea that there is some sort of "middle ground" that you are refusing to consider where she gets all the benefits she wants while you get nothing other than a misplaced sense of sticking to your principles.
Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Probably not letting someone join in when you don't even know their name would be smart, too.

But the rest of the rules I mentioned above should work even for people that you know well.
Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Seems to the the correct way to prevent most of what happened to QUEEN -- sorry that happened, QUEEN... that really sucks -- would be for the hosts to institute a no-yellow-card rule. Fuck up once, and you are out the door, whether you brought the liquor or not.

BTW, I agree with those who say this asshole brought the liquor in the first place as leverage. You don't have to accept that gambit from him. Either provide your own liquor as host, or make it clear that there are no special privileges when it comes to maintaining the comfort level of all present. Act like a skeevy bastard even once, and you're gone, and your investment in liquor is forfeit. (But seriously, just provide your own liquor. A shit like that is likely to have spiked his supply.)

Hosts should have a taser, and not be afraid to use it if the asshole doesn't leave immediately and contritely. Fuckwad can enjoy explaining to the police the reason why he got tased was because he put his fingers in the ass of someone who already told him no penetration, so he can have a rape charge added to his evening.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
The reason why _two_ DUIs is likely to be a dealbreaker is that first, it implies a lot more drunk driving than the two times he actually got caught, and second, the first DUI wasn't enough to teach him his lesson.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
"You swallowed those stories, didja? I've heard men tell them too, but I just nod, say "uh-huh," and back slowly away."

In other words, you believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, and the truth be damned.

"And hey, even if they ARE telling the truth, you're still dealing with a guy who fucks a teenage-looking girl at first sight or who has screaming, cops-get-called fights with his partner. Not attractive."

Go read up on domestic violence. Half of domestic violence is reciprocal, when means that both partners initiate attacks (no, it's not an attack and a self-defence); and in non-reciprocal domestic violence -- that is, the kind where only one partner attacks -- women are the initiator of violence in 70% of the cases.

Try this for starters (apologies in advance if the link doesn't post):