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in the past few hours avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@71: Hey, the difference between "cuckold" and "cuckold fetish" is pretty important to get right. Mistaking the former for the latter is how people end up divorced, or shot.

Letter Writer sounds to me like the sort who would experience this more toward the anguish side of the spectrum, and not so much on the sexual charge side At least that is how I take the phrase "I struggle with the thought of her having a boyfriend." He is trying to be giving and accommodating here, but this situation doesn't give him pleasure.

His wife had best be clear on that about him, and what that means in terms of how he feels treated by her. She had better be careful to be extra good to him, lest fears and resentments accumulate. If she gets caught up in the excitement of New Relationship Energy with the "very close friend," and forgets that there is someone supposedly important to her waiting at home, she may lose the marriage that she claims she wants to keep.
8:41 PM yesterday avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@48: "I agree that "let her have other partners while you don't" sounds like an unrealistic solution here, but it's neither cheating nor cuckoldry, which is when men get a sexual kick out of their female partners fucking other men."

Technically, what you just described is "hotwife." If all they get is a sexual kick from her fucking other men, that's "hotwifing." If they experience anguish and negative feelings in the mix of sexual arousal from her fucking other men, that is called "cuckold fetish."

But the "cuckold" part of "cuckold fetish" is still all about how it's at least nominally against your will and makes you feel bad. Plain old "cuckold" still means when a partner has sex with others against your will or without your knowledge. When that happens, you are being "cuckolded." And yes, it is still "cheating" even when the spouse knows about it, so long as it is happening against spouse's will.

By the way, an interesting archaic term for the man who knows his wife is fucking around on him, and doesn't mind (or approves), is 'wittol.'
Apr 26 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
"Either you'll have to accept polyamory or your wife will have to drop it. There isn't really a middle ground here — or is there? "It's perfectly acceptable for HUSBAND to self-identify as monogamous while his wife practices polyamory," said Minx."

Oh, please. That's the kind of cheap-ass sophistry that gives poly people a bad name. That isn't "a middle ground," it's "capitulation." For him, it's the worst of both worlds: she goes off and does that thing that makes him miserable, and he stoically does nothing whatsoever other than putting up with it and trying to convince his uncooperative nervous system that everything is just fine, while he slowly develops a case of emotional PTSD. Framing that as some sort of super high-road for him to tread is bullshit, because it implies that he is the one being unenlightened if he fails to sign on for the challenge.

Bottom line advice for Letter Writer: if you can find something positive about the freedom that you will get for yourself out of opening the relationship, enough of a benefit that poly becomes something you want for yourself, then go for it. If that doesn't work for you, then there is nothing wrong with requesting that your wife recommit to honoring her vows. Lots and lots of monogamous people find themselves faced with desire for an outside party, and facing having to keep their commitments if they want to keep their spouse. Don't be bamboozled into the idea that there is some sort of "middle ground" that you are refusing to consider where she gets all the benefits she wants while you get nothing other than a misplaced sense of sticking to your principles.
Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Probably not letting someone join in when you don't even know their name would be smart, too.

But the rest of the rules I mentioned above should work even for people that you know well.
Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Seems to the the correct way to prevent most of what happened to QUEEN -- sorry that happened, QUEEN... that really sucks -- would be for the hosts to institute a no-yellow-card rule. Fuck up once, and you are out the door, whether you brought the liquor or not.

BTW, I agree with those who say this asshole brought the liquor in the first place as leverage. You don't have to accept that gambit from him. Either provide your own liquor as host, or make it clear that there are no special privileges when it comes to maintaining the comfort level of all present. Act like a skeevy bastard even once, and you're gone, and your investment in liquor is forfeit. (But seriously, just provide your own liquor. A shit like that is likely to have spiked his supply.)

Hosts should have a taser, and not be afraid to use it if the asshole doesn't leave immediately and contritely. Fuckwad can enjoy explaining to the police the reason why he got tased was because he put his fingers in the ass of someone who already told him no penetration, so he can have a rape charge added to his evening.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
The reason why _two_ DUIs is likely to be a dealbreaker is that first, it implies a lot more drunk driving than the two times he actually got caught, and second, the first DUI wasn't enough to teach him his lesson.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
"You swallowed those stories, didja? I've heard men tell them too, but I just nod, say "uh-huh," and back slowly away."

In other words, you believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, and the truth be damned.

"And hey, even if they ARE telling the truth, you're still dealing with a guy who fucks a teenage-looking girl at first sight or who has screaming, cops-get-called fights with his partner. Not attractive."

Go read up on domestic violence. Half of domestic violence is reciprocal, when means that both partners initiate attacks (no, it's not an attack and a self-defence); and in non-reciprocal domestic violence -- that is, the kind where only one partner attacks -- women are the initiator of violence in 70% of the cases.

Try this for starters (apologies in advance if the link doesn't post):

Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@24: "Sexual identity is complicated, and if this woman is a little worried that her dude is going to leave her for a man, it's not an idiotic concern."

News flash: If he is totally straight, he might leave her for another woman. She has more direct evidence that he's straight (loves her tits, loves oral on her, gets hard just by cuddling) than that he's gay. So logically, she should be _much_ more worried that he's going to leave her for another woman than another man.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@15: "Nothing wrong with being gay (obviously). Perfectly okay for a straight woman not to want to be in a relationship with a gay man (if that's the case)."

Agreed, but there is something distinctly wrong with a woman worrying that a man who gets hard merely by cuddling with her might actually be secretly gay, and the problem there is a deficit in IQ. The guy clearly gets sexually aroused by her with zero problem. That's not what the word gay means. Her continuing to interrogate him is causing a rift in the relationship, and I hope next time she does it that he tells her to either get over it or get lost, because he's done being on probation.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Re - CAC: "A couple months have passed, and things are great, but I still feel bothered. He loves my tits, ass, and pussy. He eats me out and initiates sex as often as I do. Just cuddling with me gets him hard. Which is why I'm even more perplexed."

He already likes your tits and your pussy. Maybe you should be happy that he likes dick too, because you are totally being one.

"He doesn't like to talk about the Craigslist incident and gets upset when I bring it up."

Gee, I wonder why that could POSSIBLY be? Probably because he perceives it as some combination of you a) continuing to hold his transgression over his head, and b) homophobicizing at him.

"Should I leave it alone?"

Yes, if only because you have run out of reasons to bring it up legitimately, and are now emotionally abusing him with it. "Are you _sure_ you're not secretly gay?" is a shitty, shitty thing to say to your bisexual boyfriend. Stop being an asshole, and let the past be the past.

"Is my boyfriend secretly gay?"

I think -- I hope -- that you mean "ex-boyfriend," and soon.