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Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Probably not letting someone join in when you don't even know their name would be smart, too.

But the rest of the rules I mentioned above should work even for people that you know well.
Apr 23 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Seems to the the correct way to prevent most of what happened to QUEEN -- sorry that happened, QUEEN... that really sucks -- would be for the hosts to institute a no-yellow-card rule. Fuck up once, and you are out the door, whether you brought the liquor or not.

BTW, I agree with those who say this asshole brought the liquor in the first place as leverage. You don't have to accept that gambit from him. Either provide your own liquor as host, or make it clear that there are no special privileges when it comes to maintaining the comfort level of all present. Act like a skeevy bastard even once, and you're gone, and your investment in liquor is forfeit. (But seriously, just provide your own liquor. A shit like that is likely to have spiked his supply.)

Hosts should have a taser, and not be afraid to use it if the asshole doesn't leave immediately and contritely. Fuckwad can enjoy explaining to the police the reason why he got tased was because he put his fingers in the ass of someone who already told him no penetration, so he can have a rape charge added to his evening.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
The reason why _two_ DUIs is likely to be a dealbreaker is that first, it implies a lot more drunk driving than the two times he actually got caught, and second, the first DUI wasn't enough to teach him his lesson.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?.
"You swallowed those stories, didja? I've heard men tell them too, but I just nod, say "uh-huh," and back slowly away."

In other words, you believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, and the truth be damned.

"And hey, even if they ARE telling the truth, you're still dealing with a guy who fucks a teenage-looking girl at first sight or who has screaming, cops-get-called fights with his partner. Not attractive."

Go read up on domestic violence. Half of domestic violence is reciprocal, when means that both partners initiate attacks (no, it's not an attack and a self-defence); and in non-reciprocal domestic violence -- that is, the kind where only one partner attacks -- women are the initiator of violence in 70% of the cases.

Try this for starters (apologies in advance if the link doesn't post):

Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@24: "Sexual identity is complicated, and if this woman is a little worried that her dude is going to leave her for a man, it's not an idiotic concern."

News flash: If he is totally straight, he might leave her for another woman. She has more direct evidence that he's straight (loves her tits, loves oral on her, gets hard just by cuddling) than that he's gay. So logically, she should be _much_ more worried that he's going to leave her for another woman than another man.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
@15: "Nothing wrong with being gay (obviously). Perfectly okay for a straight woman not to want to be in a relationship with a gay man (if that's the case)."

Agreed, but there is something distinctly wrong with a woman worrying that a man who gets hard merely by cuddling with her might actually be secretly gay, and the problem there is a deficit in IQ. The guy clearly gets sexually aroused by her with zero problem. That's not what the word gay means. Her continuing to interrogate him is causing a rift in the relationship, and I hope next time she does it that he tells her to either get over it or get lost, because he's done being on probation.
Apr 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Re - CAC: "A couple months have passed, and things are great, but I still feel bothered. He loves my tits, ass, and pussy. He eats me out and initiates sex as often as I do. Just cuddling with me gets him hard. Which is why I'm even more perplexed."

He already likes your tits and your pussy. Maybe you should be happy that he likes dick too, because you are totally being one.

"He doesn't like to talk about the Craigslist incident and gets upset when I bring it up."

Gee, I wonder why that could POSSIBLY be? Probably because he perceives it as some combination of you a) continuing to hold his transgression over his head, and b) homophobicizing at him.

"Should I leave it alone?"

Yes, if only because you have run out of reasons to bring it up legitimately, and are now emotionally abusing him with it. "Are you _sure_ you're not secretly gay?" is a shitty, shitty thing to say to your bisexual boyfriend. Stop being an asshole, and let the past be the past.

"Is my boyfriend secretly gay?"

I think -- I hope -- that you mean "ex-boyfriend," and soon.
Apr 5 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It.
From the clues in the letter, IAMHORNYDAN is projecting her own feelings of being ugly and undesirable, and her resentment at her husband for not losing his looks the way she did, onto him as if he is the undesirable one. She got fat, he stayed the same. He runs marathons, what does she do?

I don't see Dan's option #2 as being likely to fly. First, it's a shitty thing to do to your partner. It's one thing to tell your partner, "I'm sorry I have no chemistry with you any more. I can't help it. You can get an outside partner, if you think that will help you stay sane." It's another thing entirely to tell them, "I think I should be free to fuck other people because I don't find you attractive. I don't want to be responsible for intimacy with you any more, but I don't want to get dumped, because other than the sex, you provide me with too much to just give up. I guess you can fuck around too; at least that puts us on the same footing." Letter Writer is doing the latter. Second, her husband has already said nonmonogamy really doesn't work for him. Between First and Second, she should expect to get dumped unceremoniously and angrily if she tries to frame it as an ultimatum.
Apr 4 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Re: PERSIST - Dan's comment about humblebrag is funny, but taking your question at face value: Maybe your girlfriend possesses the sort of sexual response where the closer she gets to orgasm, the more delicately you have to dance over all those hyper-aroused nerve endings. In other words, teasing her over the edge instead of driving her over the edge. That might feel counterintuitive to you, if your own body likes it more insistent as you get close.

Probably worth mentioning Death Grip Syndrome, and whether you tend to use vigor as a substitute for subtlety on yourself. You might discover some interesting sensations yourself, if you teach your own body to respond to a lighter touch.
Apr 4 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
I think the reason you feel bad is because you have run face-first into the cognitive disconnect inherent in current conceptions of affirmative consent doctrine, where one adult participant hands their adulthood over to the other for safekeeping.

"When we got home, he asked if I was too drunk for sex and I said we should have sex. I encouraged him. But when kinky stuff happened—him fucking my mouth, slapping my face a little—I quickly realized I was too drunk. I felt hurt and confused instead of feeling turned on, I felt sad, but I didn't want to tell him to stop. At some point, he realized I was too drunk for what we were doing and he stopped. The next day, I felt so sad. He feels horrible and says that, regardless of me insisting (more than once) that he continue, he should've known I was too drunk. He feels bad. I feel bad."

Here's what you do to fix this: you give up alcohol, because you are too much of a little girl to handle your liquor. If the rules are that you shed your personal responsibility along with your sobriety, while he sheds NONE of his regardless of how drunk he is, that makes you less of a responsible adult than he is. He has to not only retain full responsibility for his own state at all times, he has to take on full responsibility for yours as well. The only responsible adult in the room at that point is him. (Again, regardless of how drunk he is. Unlike you.) That makes him effectively in loco parentis for you. If you want to be able to stop being an adult when drunk, you shouldn't be allowed to drink. Children don't get booze.

You were apparently sufficiently conscious, coherent, and capable of decision making to "insist (more than once) that he continue." He ASKED YOU RIGHT UP FRONT, and you said yes. You kept saying yes, multiple times. He eventually figured out your yesses were broken, and he stopped. And that still wasn't good enough? You're still sad and he is still self-flagellating? Jesus Christ, just how much of personal concierge does he have to be?

If you had climbed behind the wheel of a car in the state you described in the letter, and insisted (more than once) on driving, and cracked up the car on an underpass, there isn't a judge in the country that would let you off the hook for having done what you did. He wasn't abusing an unconscious non-participant version of you. He was doing what you told him repeatedly to do. He even had enough sense (eventually) to realize you weren't making good decisions, and made them for you. I can see why you'd be feeling bad about that. What does that say about your personal agency? Not much. You want to feel better? Take back your personal autonomy.