Jun 15
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@117 - Is it just me, or does "pushy bottom" sound like the name of a New England town in some whimsical offbeat comedy?
Jun 13
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@90. I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy, witchy and otherwise.
Oh, I agree on the asshole thing, btw. I just was following up on the discussion of dealbreakers. Most people talk about what they are at the start of the relationship; I was chipping in about the three biggest ones that I saw when the one party changed the rules about what they expected after the relationship is well-established. The general follows the aggregate of the specifics, it does not mandate the specific and I'm always delighted to see somebody buck a trend in a positive way so I hope that your satisfaction and happiness only increase.
Oh, I agree on the asshole thing, btw. I just was following up on the discussion of dealbreakers. Most people talk about what they are at the start of the relationship; I was chipping in about the three biggest ones that I saw when the one party changed the rules about what they expected after the relationship is well-established. The general follows the aggregate of the specifics, it does not mandate the specific and I'm always delighted to see somebody buck a trend in a positive way so I hope that your satisfaction and happiness only increase.
Jun 13
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@86 - Are all lesbians polygonous? Are geometry degrees better to have than women's studies degrees? Inquiring minds want to understand their dyke friends!
Jun 13
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
There is one other point that you should consider, AWIT, and it's a followup to @84: a deployed soldier has a right to a certain degree of mental security. Take their head off their job and their job might literally take their head off. Lest you think that I am joking or speaking metaphorically I invite you to consider the case of the late Lt. Col. Terry Allen in Vietnam, so poignantly portrayed in PBS's "Two Days in October". One of the reasons that Allen walked his battalion into an ambush was because he was grief-striken and mentally elsewhere as his marriage imploded. So, you owe it not only to your lover but to anybody else who might be under her command. Walk away.
Jun 13
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
seander @79
the personality conflicts that continue to arise between couples... perhaps more so than ever, keeping .... marital therapists in brisk businessThis is interesting, but you put the causation after the result.
Jun 12
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
"pity party or bitter crowd"
KL, I don't disagree with that at all. What I do notice, however, is that terms (along with "whining") tend to be flung at people who the listener disagrees with, either personally or ideologically.
KL, I don't disagree with that at all. What I do notice, however, is that terms (along with "whining") tend to be flung at people who the listener disagrees with, either personally or ideologically.
Jun 12
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@KL. I don't disagree. But most folks consider maturity to be linear, deepening as you progress. (A bit like the depth of the water at the beach, sloping down as you go further.)
Problem is, when somebody fixes on an idea in their middle age (as in, "I deserve somebody better than this" or "that thing that I wanted? I now want the opposite!") they become worse than fucking children. Why worse? Because kids know they're kids, whereas adults acting like children think they're being mature, because, hey, they were mature before, right? They rationalize it to themselves, and give themselves credit for being rational when they're actually being emotional, selfish freaks.
Problem is, when somebody fixes on an idea in their middle age (as in, "I deserve somebody better than this" or "that thing that I wanted? I now want the opposite!") they become worse than fucking children. Why worse? Because kids know they're kids, whereas adults acting like children think they're being mature, because, hey, they were mature before, right? They rationalize it to themselves, and give themselves credit for being rational when they're actually being emotional, selfish freaks.
Jun 12
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
nocutename @62: What's even funnier is when the deal-breakers change in mid-stream. Biggest problem types for that? (1) Women with daddy issues, if they reconcile with daddy. Before the reconciliation: pick the guy because he's not like daddy. After the reconciliation: why aren't you more like my dad, asshole? (2) Career women who "marry down". Come the first financial crisis in the relationship, or when they start comparing him to men in their own professional or financial class, then it is, all of a sudden, "why aren't you earning more money?" (3) Man who marries a "traditional girl" and then, ten years and two kids in starts bitching that she's (a) not the hot little sexpot (b) god, she's just a money pit, isn't she? I hear hear complaining that I don't work around the house and I don't hear her complaining that she doesn't have to hold down a real job.
Which is the worst? 2 and 3 are tied for frequency. 1 is probably the worst for intensity.
Which is the worst? 2 and 3 are tied for frequency. 1 is probably the worst for intensity.
Jun 12
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
debug @54:
Yep, this is passive-aggressive "I'm not going to tell you what to do but am going to be bitchy about this until you decide for yourself that I'm right".And not unfamiliar. Do you remember the woman who went to Europe and was furious when the bf used her permission to stray to, you know, stray? There were a number of commenters there who figured that it was a-okay for her to continue to be so constantly and endlessly fucking miserable to her boyfriend so that he'd dump her and thus take the blame for the end of the relationship.
Jun 12
seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
Crinoline @9:
As it is, Girlfriend "gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem." That's pretty cryptic."Ah, no, it's not. It means that the person in question is acting in a fashion (whether deliberate or accidental) whereby the other person is forced to carry the emotional burden for the "angry at herself" person. I've seen an awful lot of people over the years like DKD's girlfriend: they're the one acting badly, but they visibly and theatrically turn the rage onto themselves to that the other person feels like shit. When done on purpose it's a pretty effective form of emotional abuse and control because people like DKD don't think, "heavens, what an asshole!", they think, "my conduct must be TERRIBLE to make them feel this badly, so I'd better change!"
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