A place for Canadians.

Oct 26 agony commented on SL Letter of the Day: Clitoral Indirection.
Happens to me, too, sometimes - builds, builds, builds, then "hey, where'd it go?" Don't worry about it, enjoy the buildup, and keep masturbating. Eventually you'll try something that works, and will have some success to show you the direction to move in. And if you are never all that reliable at climaxing, so what? It's not the only reason to have sex.
Oct 21 agony commented on Sarah Treem, Cocreator of The Affair, Is Realistic About Her Own Marriage.
@ 20 - get back to us when you're 70.
Oct 15 agony commented on Savage Love.
@ 42, Dan talks about this quite a lot - I'd advise listening to some old podcasts to get some advice on how to go about it. Erica pretty much has it nailed, though.

My feeling is that when every solution to a problem is met with "Well, can't do that because...." somebody involved probably just doesn't want to do it. If you really want to do something, you accept less than perfect options, just to get going on it. If actually going out and really doing this is important to both of you, you'll do it, and find a way past the obstacles.

So you might want to think about whether it's the thinking and talking about it that you guys are really into, and the actual doing not so much. If so, that's OK - my own experience has been that things I thought would be super hot were kinda unsexy in reality. Anyway, it's just sex - if something doesn't work out perfectly, it's no big deal. You can always try again another time.
Oct 15 agony commented on Savage Love.
12 - why not pay for it?
Oct 8 agony commented on Savage Love.
Yes, nocutename, and like the way, if you come in with an injury, they always ask if you are being abused. They're not implying anything judgmental by asking, just sending a message that this is a safe place to talk about it.

It is so much more likely that SAT's doctor is trying to help her than that he is trying to trip her up and get her to admit something he can go running to her mother about. The chances of it being the latter are vanishingly small, IMO.
Oct 8 agony commented on Savage Love.
OK, makes sense. It just struck me that assuming a doctor going about his normal routine is a perv was quite a stretch. Doctors ask invasive personal questions all the time, it's part of their job.

SAT's reaction to that question doesn't strike me as too odd as she's very young - note my own daughter's reaction, above. I'm a little surprised that the reaction of all the adults here hasn't been "Well, yes, duh, of course he asked that - that's the kind of question doctors ask", though. It's such a standard thing to ask that I suspect the doctor doesn't consider it to be startling in any way, and therefore not needing any preface.
Oct 8 agony commented on Savage Love.
OK, as a mother, here's my experience...

When the doctor asks you to leave the room when examining your child, and you leave without objection, you are to some extent giving permission for the child to have a confidential relationship with that doctor.

I started sending my kids in to the doctor without me when they were around twelve. And that's when doctors stopped talking to me about their treatment. I'm sure that if I had asked them, when the kids were that age, they would have had to tell me. But they did not seem to feel it *necessary* to tell me if I didn't ask.

Chances are very good, seeing how everyone acted in SAT's case, that she has nothing to worry about - the doctor acted correctly in asking the question in privacy, her mother acted correctly in leaving the room, and, presumably, not third-degreeing SAT as soon as they got home about what the doctor wanted.

My experience has also been that doctors always ask if a person is sexually active, because it's useful information. My doctors certainly have always asked me, if I came in with a condition not immediately apparent. And they asked my kids as soon as they started having private medical consultations (I know this because my daughter was appalled by the question when she was first asked at about the age of 12, and couldn't wait to tell me all about it) It's a normal question, just like they ask about your bowel regularity and your periods. The idea floated by one commenter earlier that the doctor asked in order to get off on it seems to reveal more about the commenter than any doctor, to my mind.

Oct 7 agony commented on SL Letter of the Day: Hard to Swallow.
I've got a real problem with women throwing out phrases like "objectifying to women" as a way to stop the conversation. And that's what it sounds like is going on here.

If she doesn't like it, she can say "I don't like it". Instead she's throwing down the sexism card, which clearly intends to make him feel bad for even asking.

And, yes, saying "to women" means "to all women" or "to women in general". If that's not what you're trying to say, you say "to me".
Oct 4 agony commented on SL Letter of the Day: Hard to Swallow.
Leave her. Break up. It's only been a couple months, it's not worth waiting until your lives are really enmeshed it find out what how hard she is to get along with.

To me, the telling bit here is the "doggy style is degrading to women". There is no way that makes any sense. It's degrading because she is on the bottom? But isn't she on the bottom in missionary? And isn't HE on the bottom in cowgirl, which would then be degrading for men? Or maybe it's because they aren't face to face - but then again it must also be degrading to men, because while he's not gazing into her eyes, um, she's not gazing into his.

No, "degrading to women" is code for "I don't like it but don't want to own my desires and dislikes, I'd rather play the sexism card to make it look like you're losing and I'm winning."

I'm a woman. There are a lot of things in our culture that are legitimately degrading to women. Every time a woman gets away with pulling this shit out of her ass because she doesn't want to say "I don't like it", she's hurting every other woman who has to put up with actual degradation but isn't taken seriously because the listeners have heard too much of this kind of crap and therefore consider women to be just a bunch of whiners.

If she doesn't want to do doggy style, she doesn't have to do it. The other thing she doesn't have to do is make you feel bad for wanting it - she CHOOSES to do that. Do you want to be with a woman who makes that choice?
Sep 30 agony commented on SL Letter of the Day: Least Favorite Question.
To me (and I'm a woman who has been in some extremely iffy sexual situations) there is a difference between being afraid someone will hurt you if you don't give in, and being afraid your roommate will be embarrassed and it will be awkward if you don't give in. I'd call the first rape, and the second assholery.

Fear of social unpleasantness is different than fear of violence.

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