commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Weeded Out
It doesn't really matter if his weed use is a problem or not, because it is a problem for her. So she needs some help in finding clarity. Is it good for her to let go of this? Is there actually a problem that she isn't letting herself see about his weed use (or about his lying?)? Is the problem her behaviour, or his, or something in between? She needs to take the focus off of what he's doing, and put it on what she is doing - that will force a shift in the dynamic that will tell her a lot of things she really needs to know.
commented on Savage Love
As an old fat woman who has had a couple of kids, I gotta say my response to someone who feels safe when wearing diapers is that this is not about sex, but about incontinence.
And that would account for his reticence, his reluctance to have her be part of this. He dribbles, he's uncomfortable about it, and sometimes he would like to feel that there is no chance of there being any evidence.
commented on Invitation Declined
@ 38 Heh. I think that might be a situation for "I don't know, honey. So, who wants ice cream!?"
commented on Invitation Declined
@ 31 - I'm an early childhood educator and parent.
What I find interesting about this discussion is that questions about sexual diversity are somehow seen as different than other awkward questions that children ask. We don't have people moaning about "what can I say to the children!" when the question they ask is "Why is that lady fat?" or "Why is that man so ugly?" or "How come that person has brown skin?"
The way we deal with those is to tell the child that it is rude to point and stare and question in front of people, and then answer the question as truthfully as we can, later. When we don't really know, we say "I don't really know" and either direct the child to a resource for more information, or help them accept that they don't have to understand everything.
So. What to tell this child? Tell her that it is rude to stare and question in public, and then in private tell the child the truth. If you don't know what the truth is, say so, and maybe get out of the business of instructing children, since it's, well, it's not that fucking hard. "That person dresses that way because that person likes to dress that way". "Those men are kissing because they love each other". "Not everybody acts the same way or likes the same things, and that's OK".
Really, not that hard.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Help Me Out, Sloggers
Get a part time weekend job working in a fun restaurant that has a lot of young staff. You'll make a few bucks and you'll meet people who like to party. Turnover is high, so if you don't click with anyone in your first week, stick around a couple of weeks to see who else gets hired.
I didn't go to college, either, but that kind of job is great for making work friends.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Missing Person Report
If nothing much wrong is going on, there aren't really consequences.
My nephew's girlfriend is quite short and slight, and has short hair in a boyish cut. He had just bought a house in a settled neighbourhood, and one day got a knock on the door - the cops had been called because the neighbours had seen him canoodling, through the picture window (hadn't bought curtains yet) with what looked to them like a 12 year old boy. When they met the 30 year old woman, they apologized and went away.
Now, my nephew is a teacher, so an actual accusation of this sort would be a serious thing for him. But a request to the police to take a look is not the same as an accusation. No lives were ruined, though his girlfriend started seriously reconsidering her hairstyle....
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Bonus Advice for WWWM & VIRGN
I have found, when sitting around after a few bottles of wine and the "losing your virginity" stories come out - it doesn't happen often, but it does happen - that "lost it to my true love" is very low down in the count. There seems to be a roughly even split between "lost it to someone I thought was true love, turned out to be asshole" and "decided to get it over with so found someone willing".
Further, there does not appear to be any correlation between how a person lost virginity, and how well that person's later romantic life worked out.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: In The Neighborhood
Also, don't discount the effect of the move. If a person didn't really like who she was in the old place, a move can trigger a lot of changes - there's the feel of a fresh start, of a new you....
A couple of years ago, she was fat, and feeling like her sexual life was over. She has now discovered that this was not in fact true, and she's behaving a bit like a kid in a candy shop. Since this bothers her husband, they need to talk about it, but it's a pretty normal and natural reaction to feeling like life has started over.
As to who suggested they open up in the first place.... I spent much of my life being the bestest good girl. If someone is needed to pitch in, here I am. If a sacrifice is called for, I'm cheerfully giving things up. And if my husband needs more sex, well boyohboy I'll open up the marriage because that makes me an even gooder good girl.
And of course it's nonsense and is actually covering more human emotions like resentment and self pity and probably self loathing. This kind of act always has big holes in it, such as crashed libido and weight gain.
So I can easily see her going into this with a bullshit "See what a good wife I'm being" motive, only to be surprised by it actually being hot, and by her own needs suddenly rearing their heads. I suspect she has been acting the part of a wife for a while (very possibly without realizing she was acting) and is now just coming to realize that she can stop acting and just be the woman she is.
Whether that woman and the LW can work something out that satisfies and pleases them both, who knows? Worth a try. But I don't see a bad guy here.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Strap-On Tools
Just adding my voice to the chorus of women who would not be turned off by the silicone dick, but who would be very turned off indeed by the assumption that my consent to having sex at all was just some fiddling detail to be rushed past.
And if she's anywhere near his age, she's not going to be totally astonished that there are some problems with dick performance - this will not be the first time she's come across such a thing. To the point where it's about as much a confession to be trotted out as will be hers that her boobs no longer point north or that they can't get by with just her natural lube.