TMI
- Too many teeth or No teeth at all
- SF or LA
- Where's your hairiest square inch?: On my head. But not through my pubes lack of trying.
- What helps you sleep?: Kruder & Dorfmeisters remix of Depeche Mode's Useless
- If you found out you were going to have a pit-bull baby, would you have an abortion?: No
Jun 24, 2012
sangrail commented on Savage Love Episode 289.
The bio play parties are a much, much bigger can of worms than Dan implied.
Yet again, I don't think he was thinking specifically about the women-only play parties, which is where most of the problems lie.
I know, many trans-women. If you know enough transwomen, then you *will know*, that there are a certain proportion who are... how do I put this. Transvestites? Straight males, who are fetishists?
They are essentially straight males, who are sexually attracted to females. So sexually attracted, it gets them turned on to think of themselves as females, getting with other females. They tend to adopt a very... performative female identity. Going for a 'Nana' look if older, or wearing stockings and the type of clothing that no actual females of their acquaintance wear. They usually don't fully transition. Regardless of whether they do, they often change their minds later, and go back.
Note: This is NOT all transwomen!
But... If it is a women-only party, it may even be your biggest group of transwomen.
The question is. Is that a safe-space for women? Generally, no.
I know not one, but MULTIPLE of these transwoman who, as males, were the *abusive* partners in straight relationships. In the two examples I am most familiar with, worse, both of them eagerly adopted a 'victim' persona as females.
(You'll think I'm exaggerating, but look, one of them lied to her lawyer, and implied she was the wife in her former straight marriage, and had been 'cruelly kicked out of home by her partner'/husband - not that she had been the husband, and had been physically abusing her wife and children, and her wife finally kicked her out of home after she attacked and threatened her son with a knife. Yes, that demonstrates an awful lot of crazy to not correct your lawyer before arriving in court, but she really REALLY liked getting attention and playing the victim).
Having events where events are grouped by birth-sex is usually more comfortable to women, e.g. transmen at the women's gathering, but again, that still leaves a lot of transfolk unhappy.
Thing is, there does have to be some acknowledgement, that it may not be any safer a space having transwomen present, than having men present at a women's gathering.
And really, really often, women need a women-only safe space. They are denied that too often in society, as the expense of mens needs, but while transwoman have left that sphere of male privilege in many ways, and are often facing worse discrimination in some areas (but, not others), they are often still coming from that socialised assumption of male privilege.
The only way I've seen this done well, is to explicitly have pan-sexual and gender-queer events as well. Taking away the women-only events does not increase the overall feeling of safety.
More...
Yet again, I don't think he was thinking specifically about the women-only play parties, which is where most of the problems lie.
I know, many trans-women. If you know enough transwomen, then you *will know*, that there are a certain proportion who are... how do I put this. Transvestites? Straight males, who are fetishists?
They are essentially straight males, who are sexually attracted to females. So sexually attracted, it gets them turned on to think of themselves as females, getting with other females. They tend to adopt a very... performative female identity. Going for a 'Nana' look if older, or wearing stockings and the type of clothing that no actual females of their acquaintance wear. They usually don't fully transition. Regardless of whether they do, they often change their minds later, and go back.
Note: This is NOT all transwomen!
But... If it is a women-only party, it may even be your biggest group of transwomen.
The question is. Is that a safe-space for women? Generally, no.
I know not one, but MULTIPLE of these transwoman who, as males, were the *abusive* partners in straight relationships. In the two examples I am most familiar with, worse, both of them eagerly adopted a 'victim' persona as females.
(You'll think I'm exaggerating, but look, one of them lied to her lawyer, and implied she was the wife in her former straight marriage, and had been 'cruelly kicked out of home by her partner'/husband - not that she had been the husband, and had been physically abusing her wife and children, and her wife finally kicked her out of home after she attacked and threatened her son with a knife. Yes, that demonstrates an awful lot of crazy to not correct your lawyer before arriving in court, but she really REALLY liked getting attention and playing the victim).
Having events where events are grouped by birth-sex is usually more comfortable to women, e.g. transmen at the women's gathering, but again, that still leaves a lot of transfolk unhappy.
Thing is, there does have to be some acknowledgement, that it may not be any safer a space having transwomen present, than having men present at a women's gathering.
And really, really often, women need a women-only safe space. They are denied that too often in society, as the expense of mens needs, but while transwoman have left that sphere of male privilege in many ways, and are often facing worse discrimination in some areas (but, not others), they are often still coming from that socialised assumption of male privilege.
The only way I've seen this done well, is to explicitly have pan-sexual and gender-queer events as well. Taking away the women-only events does not increase the overall feeling of safety.
Apr 15, 2012
sangrail commented on Savage Love Episode 286.
Wow, that girl's call about being harassed was heartbreaking. There was a couple of points where you could just hear the despair, and it made me so upset and livid.
I'd suggest two things: Film it. Camera phone, hidden netbook in the room. It's backup, ammunition, if you ever want to take it further, it's proof beyond he-said she-said. Further, you can tell him to back off, because you have video of it.
Second: Dan has it right. Refuse to be in the same room with him. Make a big stink about it. Your family might be retards, and try and turn things around when you state what he has done him, but if you refuse to be drawn into details while refusing to be around him, it's really hard for them to contradict that, OR frame it as you wanting it in any way.
Just keep repeating "He is grabby and rude, and I refuse to be around him", or whatever else is the bullshit 'polite' way of expressing sexual harassment in your area.
Cut him off, and cut your other cousin off for not doing anything. And tell him that - "I don't want to be around X, and I don't want to be around you, because you have never done anything to stop him, and I am so, so over it."
For the guy who was stalked and coerced and manipulated into sex - what a horrible podcast this was. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Cut off contact, yes. But also tell her that you think her actions have been really inappropriate, that you regret ever getting involved with her, that she had been really creepy when taking advantage of you while you were drunk, that you would never treat a girl the way she has treated you, and that given how upset you feel about her actions, you never want to see or talk to her again, that clearly your interactions are unhealthy for the both of you, because you don't think she would want to be the person she is around you either.
Tell friends that you'd appreciate their *assistance* in helping you keep some distance from her, because you are feeling really skeeved out around her, and that may help them actually take an active role, rather than being passive bystanders to stuff that you'd rather they not be passive about.
More...
I'd suggest two things: Film it. Camera phone, hidden netbook in the room. It's backup, ammunition, if you ever want to take it further, it's proof beyond he-said she-said. Further, you can tell him to back off, because you have video of it.
Second: Dan has it right. Refuse to be in the same room with him. Make a big stink about it. Your family might be retards, and try and turn things around when you state what he has done him, but if you refuse to be drawn into details while refusing to be around him, it's really hard for them to contradict that, OR frame it as you wanting it in any way.
Just keep repeating "He is grabby and rude, and I refuse to be around him", or whatever else is the bullshit 'polite' way of expressing sexual harassment in your area.
Cut him off, and cut your other cousin off for not doing anything. And tell him that - "I don't want to be around X, and I don't want to be around you, because you have never done anything to stop him, and I am so, so over it."
For the guy who was stalked and coerced and manipulated into sex - what a horrible podcast this was. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Cut off contact, yes. But also tell her that you think her actions have been really inappropriate, that you regret ever getting involved with her, that she had been really creepy when taking advantage of you while you were drunk, that you would never treat a girl the way she has treated you, and that given how upset you feel about her actions, you never want to see or talk to her again, that clearly your interactions are unhealthy for the both of you, because you don't think she would want to be the person she is around you either.
Tell friends that you'd appreciate their *assistance* in helping you keep some distance from her, because you are feeling really skeeved out around her, and that may help them actually take an active role, rather than being passive bystanders to stuff that you'd rather they not be passive about.
Feb 28, 2012
sangrail commented on Those Gay Incest Twins in Prudence This Week.
It's really borderline as to whether it's fake or not.
The before college bit, I could believe, but the also being twins, monogamous, the exhibitionist streak throughout, and mainly the idea that they're *still together* (how many highschool fuckbuddies/relationships are still together, right?), all pings as suspect. I call overall, fake, but...
Unfortunately, it's got enough accurate information to be useful as a hypothetical (in answer, no, no you do not tell your family).
Furthermore, while I know about the Westermark Effect as does no. 18, I have wondered whether that effect is well... *genetic*.
Because, if it is, then, is it possible that some families might be genetically predisposed for that to have *less of an effect*?
I know that seems like a creepy theory.
Warning: Creepyness follows
I only say this, because I knew someone who really didn't seem to have much of an incest taboo, and, well, yes (with his brother throughout high school, along with some other suspect incidences), but more creepily, when a family member of his researched the family tree, it turned out that several ancestors of his were products of incest, on *both sides* (half-siblings, siblings, and Uncle/neice I think? He joked that his family tree needed more than 2 dimensions...!), and while I'd've initially assumed that that was a nurture thing, it was previous to family members being adopted out, and yet, the er, same issue had come up in more recent generations.
Really not wanting to make them sound like the 'Peacocks' (off the X-Files), but it was weird enough to be morbidly fascinating.
More...
The before college bit, I could believe, but the also being twins, monogamous, the exhibitionist streak throughout, and mainly the idea that they're *still together* (how many highschool fuckbuddies/relationships are still together, right?), all pings as suspect. I call overall, fake, but...
Unfortunately, it's got enough accurate information to be useful as a hypothetical (in answer, no, no you do not tell your family).
Furthermore, while I know about the Westermark Effect as does no. 18, I have wondered whether that effect is well... *genetic*.
Because, if it is, then, is it possible that some families might be genetically predisposed for that to have *less of an effect*?
I know that seems like a creepy theory.
Warning: Creepyness follows
I only say this, because I knew someone who really didn't seem to have much of an incest taboo, and, well, yes (with his brother throughout high school, along with some other suspect incidences), but more creepily, when a family member of his researched the family tree, it turned out that several ancestors of his were products of incest, on *both sides* (half-siblings, siblings, and Uncle/neice I think? He joked that his family tree needed more than 2 dimensions...!), and while I'd've initially assumed that that was a nurture thing, it was previous to family members being adopted out, and yet, the er, same issue had come up in more recent generations.
Really not wanting to make them sound like the 'Peacocks' (off the X-Files), but it was weird enough to be morbidly fascinating.
Dec 15, 2010
sangrail commented on Savage Love.
Jeezus.
Sounds like Mud Guy was too obsessed and horny about his turnon to be at all considerate to his partner. WTF? Why would you marry them?
And seriously, $50 worth of clay? I know how much clay costs, so HOW MUCH clay was that??
(PS. You can just wrap it up and store it in a cool place).
GGG goes both ways, and being there and considerate for your partner when they are uncomfortable or *freaking out* is absolutely necessary for it.
Seriously, he couldn't have just started with giving her a mud mask massage? Making out in a sandpit?
*headdesk*
Sounds like Mud Guy was too obsessed and horny about his turnon to be at all considerate to his partner. WTF? Why would you marry them?
And seriously, $50 worth of clay? I know how much clay costs, so HOW MUCH clay was that??
(PS. You can just wrap it up and store it in a cool place).
GGG goes both ways, and being there and considerate for your partner when they are uncomfortable or *freaking out* is absolutely necessary for it.
Seriously, he couldn't have just started with giving her a mud mask massage? Making out in a sandpit?
*headdesk*
Sep 28, 2010
sangrail commented on Savage Love.
Dan!
I'm listening to Savage Love 206, and... you don't know any gay guys that kiss girls when they're shitfaced?
My god, most of my gay friends kiss EVERYONE when they're shitfaced! Most of my straight friends kiss EVERYONE when they're shitfaced!
Haven't you ever just kissed someone and gone, hey, you got good technique, without needing to sleep with them? Or necessarily wanting to? Finding someone sexy, without feeling sexual towards them?
My social group is generally old enough to have fun doing things ironically, so when someone pull out a really nice bottle of cinnamon whisky, obviously you have to mouth shot from someone else. There was that time when a (oops) really drunk friend turned and gave his brother a cinnamon shot, and then there was that slow moment where they both stopped and pondered it for a moment, and the less drunk one pronounced it "Awk-ward" (but tasty).
My gay friends have ruefully declared that the friend group of cute young guys we know who kiss each other on the lips in greeting, are actually.. completely straight.
Basically, they're just from a different generation to us. They're happy to kiss the gay guys on the lips as harmless flirtation, but if any or most of them were really bi or gay, they'd be fucking someone already, because it's *completely socially acceptable* in their social group to be bi or gay.
Instead, it's just a way of showing intimacy in their group.
Well, same in our circles as well.
Oh, and they also kiss their female friends on the lips.
When people are completely comfortable with being bi or gay, they're also more comfortable with being straight and pan-flirty. And we're going to see that more and more.
Dan, do you have a skype number to call? I'm international!
More...
I'm listening to Savage Love 206, and... you don't know any gay guys that kiss girls when they're shitfaced?
My god, most of my gay friends kiss EVERYONE when they're shitfaced! Most of my straight friends kiss EVERYONE when they're shitfaced!
Haven't you ever just kissed someone and gone, hey, you got good technique, without needing to sleep with them? Or necessarily wanting to? Finding someone sexy, without feeling sexual towards them?
My social group is generally old enough to have fun doing things ironically, so when someone pull out a really nice bottle of cinnamon whisky, obviously you have to mouth shot from someone else. There was that time when a (oops) really drunk friend turned and gave his brother a cinnamon shot, and then there was that slow moment where they both stopped and pondered it for a moment, and the less drunk one pronounced it "Awk-ward" (but tasty).
My gay friends have ruefully declared that the friend group of cute young guys we know who kiss each other on the lips in greeting, are actually.. completely straight.
Basically, they're just from a different generation to us. They're happy to kiss the gay guys on the lips as harmless flirtation, but if any or most of them were really bi or gay, they'd be fucking someone already, because it's *completely socially acceptable* in their social group to be bi or gay.
Instead, it's just a way of showing intimacy in their group.
Well, same in our circles as well.
Oh, and they also kiss their female friends on the lips.
When people are completely comfortable with being bi or gay, they're also more comfortable with being straight and pan-flirty. And we're going to see that more and more.
Dan, do you have a skype number to call? I'm international!
Aug 31, 2010
sangrail answered a bunch of weird questions about himself or herself.
Jun 21, 2010
sangrail joined My Stranger Face
Jun 21, 2010
sangrail commented on Until The Sexbots Come Along....
Centaurs?
Centaurs => http://www.centaurian.co.nz/
Check out my room-mate Wogboth.
Centaurs => http://www.centaurian.co.nz/
Check out my room-mate Wogboth.
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And suspect this is an area he doesn't have much experience with.
Lets posit that not all lesbians use strap on's. Correct?
Of those that do, there are people with kinks for *using* a strap on - these people usually have their own, or are still developing their kink. These are the people that Dan was thinking of.
Then, there are the people with kinks for being *fucked* with a strap on, like your writer - and these people should have their own!
If their partner likes using a strap on so much that they become one of the people in the top category? Then they can get their own damn strap on.
Even more common, they get their own harness - the dildo itself, is usually interchangeable.
There is no point buying a new harness and dildo for every new girlfriend, when they may not ever use it with their new partners.
Further, with penetrative sex toys, even used with a condom for hygiene, the sex etiquette I've always known, is that the penetrative toy stays with the 'penetratee'. Way less mess, and fuss.
The actual dildo is usually bought according to whether it gets the penetratee off or not. If it's the wrong shape, a dildo will not get me off. What is the point in the dildo going off with the partner who isn't on the receiving end?
Further example, most of the guys who I've gone out with, who have enjoyed being pegged, *owned their own strap on*, ie adjustable harness and dildo.
And that is what I used on them.
Most lesbians I've gone out with, or know, who really liked fucking others with a strap on, had a harness that was non-adjustable, or was permanently adjusted to their settings.
STRAP - get your own adjustable harness and dildo, make it clear they are yours, and enjoy.