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Dec 10, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
@143. Not for a lack of desire, but I don't think I nor anyone on this thread could provide proper education if you go in with your mind closed up that way. If that's how you want to live, that's fine, but I don't think you should hang out on the slog, especially not in Savage Love column comments.
Dec 10, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
Sex is about genitals. Gender is much bigger. Please don't conflate the two.
Dec 10, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
@57. Well, I'm going to try to answer your questions, because I think they are perfectly reasonable and are being asked for the right reason (to educate, not mock.) And you certainly, IMO, are NOT being rude or snide.

*How do you you see yourself?

Well, until I bought a house that was female (house's idea, not mine) I viewed myself as very similar to a house in terms of gender. (Think about it, it will make sense.

*Is it just as a person? Is it something else, too?

My definition of personhood is different, I think, from most folks, so I see myself as a person, but I think other people assume that a person is a human with a known gender, so in that way, I'm not their kind of person. But to me, gender isn't part of personhood (and neither is species....)

*Do you believe that you have a more impoverished or an enhanced experience/sense of self, or merely a different one than someone who feels like a man or woman? From uncreative's descriptions I can see feeling left out of something, but I can't tell if that bothers you--it doesn't seem to--or if you feel that you have something else.

I think on some level it is impovershing in this society, actually. So much of our identity is defined for us. One is a good girl or a good boy and what makes a good boy is different from what makes for a good boy (or at least, this was true when I was young) and so there was a lot of praise that amounted to "you are suppressing yourself, GOOD." That's not what they meant, but that's how it came across -- the more I tried to be both a good girl and good boy (because that was the middle ground in my young head) the more trouble it was because those were different things.

Also, you are divided up into girls vrs. boys sometimes, and you are supposed to identify with them, and it's very awkward when you don't get it. It's like not speaking the language at a college party.

Later on you get pegged as hot or not, and of course, that has higher stakes but is a lot like the good girl/good boy disaster from years before.

All in all, I think I felt most like a human in 7th and 8th grade, when I was past the good boy/good girl mess of elementary school and not quite into the hot or not mess of high school. After that, it's been kind of awkward when I'm not at home or among friends that get it.In general, I'd say that dating makes it worse, because people are very interested in your precise gender.

That said... I think I've been forced to know myself better than other people. They can chalk so much of their life up to 'it's a girl thing' or 'it's a guy thing.' I've been forced to consider my motives much more than others. But it also makes me perhaps self-focused because I'm always trying to hit some medium, where they don't have to think about that as much.

*If you divorce the notion of gender from gender norms and roles, if you believe and acknowledge that any human experience is open to and possible for for any human being (men who cook or nurse, women mechanics and firefighters; men knitters, women football players, etc.) then what do you ground that "feeling like a man" or "feeling like a woman" in?

Mostly it's people talking about how much they love being female or male. They just have a certain quality about them when they talk about this, that I never have. And their body so rarely seems to cause them genuine discomfort. Everyone has days where they feel ugly or chubby or greasy or gross, but I deal with a general sense of wrongness everyday. I've argued often that I put on male clothes and manage to look like I'm very young and borrowed my brother's clothes, but I put on female clothes and I end up looking like a 14 year old drag queen :/

*Do you identify as your biological sex, like male or female, or do those terms fail to capture you, too?

Which pronouns do you prefer?

No, I really don't identify as my biological sex. I tolerate it. However, I use the pronouns I was blessed with at birth. To do otherwise is just to be disruptive, IMO, for no gain.
Dec 9, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
@15, thanks from someone in the same awkward bucket (but at a different time in life.) I wish people could understand what you stated so well.
Aug 25, 2014 MameSnidely commented on SL Letter of the Day: Dude, Take My Free Advice!.
@23. I more or less agree. I lived with a guy that honest to god had some sort of internet porn problem and it created bizarre expectations in his real life (Dan mentions this from time to time, that porn CAN be a problem, usually though he has to explain why it's not always a problem.)

BUT, in context. This guy looked at porn years ago, before they were married and they were living at a distance. YEARS ago. I think that this is the very definition of unproblematic porn.
Aug 5, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
Does anyone get a bad feeling that Dan is going to be fielding a bunch of psuedo-kink questions due to over-exposure of Shades of Grey?

Ugh. I feel like every 30-50 years there's a new wave of trendy pseudo-kink. Bleh.
Jun 30, 2014 MameSnidely commented on SL Letter of the Day: Queens of the Retail Stage.

I kinda disagree with the general tone here. It sounds like this person grew up a lot like I did -- in a town where gay was associated with this almost satirized bitchy behavior. There was something of a race for the gay guys at my schools to be bitchier and queerer than thou. And should anyone have a problem with their obnoxious asshattery, that person was a homophobe.

And so I grew up thinking that gay people = bitchy. I didn't get it until later, when I met nice effeminate men that there didn't have to be this over-zealous cattiness, that it wasn't part and parcel to the package. As far as I know, the place where I grew up still rewards bitchy, catty behavior from gay men in a maladjusted way, and if it does, I'm sure other places do.

I feel like the letter writer is confused, not nasty.
Jun 25, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Queer Issue 2014: How to Make Sure We Don't Leave Trans People Behind.
I really don't think that transgender issues should be wrapped up with gay issues. They just aren't the same set of problems. I think it would actually work better for them to be on the same side, but not have all their bills bundled together. A desire to marry the same sex isn't the same thing as a desire to treat a medical condition. They got lumped together a long time ago, and I don't know that I feel being grouped up is really helping either group.
Jun 17, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
*about it. Yeesh. Can't type my thought lately at all.
Jun 17, 2014 MameSnidely commented on Savage Love.
@3 -- I thought that OSW was going for a different kind of story than a one-off event, but actually... those sorts of events are really important and I'm glad you brought it up because that made me think of it.