Bio
just another angry feminist
TMI
- I hate living in Seattle or I wish I lived in Seattle
- Dicks or Vaginas
- Dan Savage started the Iraq war. Why?: the homosexual agenda
- What book have you read the most?: Wuthering Heights
- What is your sweetest taboo?: chocolate dildos
Jun 4
shurenka commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Ex-Boyfriend.
shurenka commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Ex-Boyfriend.
wait, wut? starts off letter saying "I'm a straight 23-year-old woman", a few paragraphs later she's bi?
May 22
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
Also to WSN: Kind of hope you don't read this, given how misogynistic some of the other commenters are.
Don't listen to the people yelling at you for somehow "diluting" the definition of rape or sexual assault. You are allowed to own and name your experiences as you see fit. The problem is not with a lax definition of assault, but with an overly narrow one -- one which excludes people who don't follow the "script" for how rape "should" be. One which says that if a coercive experience isn't serious enough to prosecute, it isn't serious enough to discuss or call someone out on. Which is obviously BS.
And, still you probably shouldn't ask him for an apology. There's a good chance he either doesn't remember the experience, won't respond, or won't respond in the way you like. Ultimately, closure has got to come from within. (Therapy can help.)
Also guys -- she didn't want to prosecute him. She just wanted acknowledgement and an apology. Which is perfectly reasonable for a sexual experience which was traumatic and felt coerced to her.
Don't listen to the people yelling at you for somehow "diluting" the definition of rape or sexual assault. You are allowed to own and name your experiences as you see fit. The problem is not with a lax definition of assault, but with an overly narrow one -- one which excludes people who don't follow the "script" for how rape "should" be. One which says that if a coercive experience isn't serious enough to prosecute, it isn't serious enough to discuss or call someone out on. Which is obviously BS.
And, still you probably shouldn't ask him for an apology. There's a good chance he either doesn't remember the experience, won't respond, or won't respond in the way you like. Ultimately, closure has got to come from within. (Therapy can help.)
Also guys -- she didn't want to prosecute him. She just wanted acknowledgement and an apology. Which is perfectly reasonable for a sexual experience which was traumatic and felt coerced to her.
May 22
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@117
The distinction between rape and other types of sexual assault is unhealthy and problematic. What could be deeply traumatic to one person might not be such a big deal to another. Violation is violation. If WSN feels violated and didn't consent to what happened, then she was on some level assaulted. Yes, the boy coming was probably accidental.
You know what really makes it difficult for people to take sex crimes seriously? Policing other people's experiences and dismissing them as "not bad enough". It only reinforces the notion that there is a strict category of "rape" (probably involving a stranger, force, and a virginal white girl) rather than a continuum of more or less invasive and coercive behavior, all of which should be taken seriously.
The distinction between rape and other types of sexual assault is unhealthy and problematic. What could be deeply traumatic to one person might not be such a big deal to another. Violation is violation. If WSN feels violated and didn't consent to what happened, then she was on some level assaulted. Yes, the boy coming was probably accidental.
You know what really makes it difficult for people to take sex crimes seriously? Policing other people's experiences and dismissing them as "not bad enough". It only reinforces the notion that there is a strict category of "rape" (probably involving a stranger, force, and a virginal white girl) rather than a continuum of more or less invasive and coercive behavior, all of which should be taken seriously.
May 16
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@96,
Sure, it would be nice to throw all of the responsibility back on the men. However, you can't really send out mixed messages -- gay women exist! but I'm only kissing this woman to turn you on! -- and expect someone to not internalize the contradiction. Again, it comes down to -- sure the DSGs can do what they want. They don't, however, get to deny that their behavior reinforces patriarchal norms.
Sure, it would be nice to throw all of the responsibility back on the men. However, you can't really send out mixed messages -- gay women exist! but I'm only kissing this woman to turn you on! -- and expect someone to not internalize the contradiction. Again, it comes down to -- sure the DSGs can do what they want. They don't, however, get to deny that their behavior reinforces patriarchal norms.
May 15
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
I have to disagree with Dan's response to the DSGs.
You are free to do what you like... including making out with women to put on a show for men. But that doesn't mean the act is "harmless" or that it doesn't reinforce objectification of (gay) women.
You are free to do what you like... including making out with women to put on a show for men. But that doesn't mean the act is "harmless" or that it doesn't reinforce objectification of (gay) women.
May 7
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
(Amended to say -- yes you can relapse in the sense of having another major depressive episode, but you certainly aren't tempted to go off meds or become depressed.)
May 7
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@12, sometimes people can be unaware they are depressed*, or if they've had bad experiences with psychiatrists / mental health they might be reluctant to seek help.
So while she doesn't "have to" help him get treatment, if she loves him and especially if she wants this relationship to work, kindly suggesting (or giving an ultimatum) that he seek a medical evaluation could help. Unlike addiction, treatment for depression is relatively straightforward once you find the right therapist, pill, what have you. Yes finding that can be somewhat difficult especially if you are catatonically depressed or despondent, but once you get there you aren't going to "relapse".
*Not everyone experiences depression as cripplingly low mood (or their experience of it can change per episode); there have certainly been times when I felt functionally "alright" but only due to avoiding any real responsibility, as this guy is doing; and sometimes depression which manifests itself in physical symptoms gets overlooked.
So while she doesn't "have to" help him get treatment, if she loves him and especially if she wants this relationship to work, kindly suggesting (or giving an ultimatum) that he seek a medical evaluation could help. Unlike addiction, treatment for depression is relatively straightforward once you find the right therapist, pill, what have you. Yes finding that can be somewhat difficult especially if you are catatonically depressed or despondent, but once you get there you aren't going to "relapse".
*Not everyone experiences depression as cripplingly low mood (or their experience of it can change per episode); there have certainly been times when I felt functionally "alright" but only due to avoiding any real responsibility, as this guy is doing; and sometimes depression which manifests itself in physical symptoms gets overlooked.
May 5
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@104 Which individual feminists? Please, name names. Because I've never heard that.
The only thing approaching that which I would agree with as a feminist is that it's not okay to pressure your spouse for sex (it's also not effective -- and it will only breed more resentment).
The only thing approaching that which I would agree with as a feminist is that it's not okay to pressure your spouse for sex (it's also not effective -- and it will only breed more resentment).
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