Bio
just another angry feminist
TMI
- Punch Buggy or Slug Bug
- Too many teeth or No teeth at all
- What piece of art would you steal?: Soft Construction with Boiled Beans: Premonition of Civil War
- What is your sweetest taboo?: chocolate dildos
- Vampire or Zombie
Jun 4
shurenka commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Ex-Boyfriend.
shurenka commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Ex-Boyfriend.
wait, wut? starts off letter saying "I'm a straight 23-year-old woman", a few paragraphs later she's bi?
May 22
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
Also to WSN: Kind of hope you don't read this, given how misogynistic some of the other commenters are.
Don't listen to the people yelling at you for somehow "diluting" the definition of rape or sexual assault. You are allowed to own and name your experiences as you see fit. The problem is not with a lax definition of assault, but with an overly narrow one -- one which excludes people who don't follow the "script" for how rape "should" be. One which says that if a coercive experience isn't serious enough to prosecute, it isn't serious enough to discuss or call someone out on. Which is obviously BS.
And, still you probably shouldn't ask him for an apology. There's a good chance he either doesn't remember the experience, won't respond, or won't respond in the way you like. Ultimately, closure has got to come from within. (Therapy can help.)
Also guys -- she didn't want to prosecute him. She just wanted acknowledgement and an apology. Which is perfectly reasonable for a sexual experience which was traumatic and felt coerced to her.
Don't listen to the people yelling at you for somehow "diluting" the definition of rape or sexual assault. You are allowed to own and name your experiences as you see fit. The problem is not with a lax definition of assault, but with an overly narrow one -- one which excludes people who don't follow the "script" for how rape "should" be. One which says that if a coercive experience isn't serious enough to prosecute, it isn't serious enough to discuss or call someone out on. Which is obviously BS.
And, still you probably shouldn't ask him for an apology. There's a good chance he either doesn't remember the experience, won't respond, or won't respond in the way you like. Ultimately, closure has got to come from within. (Therapy can help.)
Also guys -- she didn't want to prosecute him. She just wanted acknowledgement and an apology. Which is perfectly reasonable for a sexual experience which was traumatic and felt coerced to her.
May 22
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@117
The distinction between rape and other types of sexual assault is unhealthy and problematic. What could be deeply traumatic to one person might not be such a big deal to another. Violation is violation. If WSN feels violated and didn't consent to what happened, then she was on some level assaulted. Yes, the boy coming was probably accidental.
You know what really makes it difficult for people to take sex crimes seriously? Policing other people's experiences and dismissing them as "not bad enough". It only reinforces the notion that there is a strict category of "rape" (probably involving a stranger, force, and a virginal white girl) rather than a continuum of more or less invasive and coercive behavior, all of which should be taken seriously.
The distinction between rape and other types of sexual assault is unhealthy and problematic. What could be deeply traumatic to one person might not be such a big deal to another. Violation is violation. If WSN feels violated and didn't consent to what happened, then she was on some level assaulted. Yes, the boy coming was probably accidental.
You know what really makes it difficult for people to take sex crimes seriously? Policing other people's experiences and dismissing them as "not bad enough". It only reinforces the notion that there is a strict category of "rape" (probably involving a stranger, force, and a virginal white girl) rather than a continuum of more or less invasive and coercive behavior, all of which should be taken seriously.
May 16
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@96,
Sure, it would be nice to throw all of the responsibility back on the men. However, you can't really send out mixed messages -- gay women exist! but I'm only kissing this woman to turn you on! -- and expect someone to not internalize the contradiction. Again, it comes down to -- sure the DSGs can do what they want. They don't, however, get to deny that their behavior reinforces patriarchal norms.
Sure, it would be nice to throw all of the responsibility back on the men. However, you can't really send out mixed messages -- gay women exist! but I'm only kissing this woman to turn you on! -- and expect someone to not internalize the contradiction. Again, it comes down to -- sure the DSGs can do what they want. They don't, however, get to deny that their behavior reinforces patriarchal norms.
May 15
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
I have to disagree with Dan's response to the DSGs.
You are free to do what you like... including making out with women to put on a show for men. But that doesn't mean the act is "harmless" or that it doesn't reinforce objectification of (gay) women.
You are free to do what you like... including making out with women to put on a show for men. But that doesn't mean the act is "harmless" or that it doesn't reinforce objectification of (gay) women.
May 7
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
(Amended to say -- yes you can relapse in the sense of having another major depressive episode, but you certainly aren't tempted to go off meds or become depressed.)
May 7
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
shurenka commented on Savage Love.
@12, sometimes people can be unaware they are depressed*, or if they've had bad experiences with psychiatrists / mental health they might be reluctant to seek help.
So while she doesn't "have to" help him get treatment, if she loves him and especially if she wants this relationship to work, kindly suggesting (or giving an ultimatum) that he seek a medical evaluation could help. Unlike addiction, treatment for depression is relatively straightforward once you find the right therapist, pill, what have you. Yes finding that can be somewhat difficult especially if you are catatonically depressed or despondent, but once you get there you aren't going to "relapse".
*Not everyone experiences depression as cripplingly low mood (or their experience of it can change per episode); there have certainly been times when I felt functionally "alright" but only due to avoiding any real responsibility, as this guy is doing; and sometimes depression which manifests itself in physical symptoms gets overlooked.
So while she doesn't "have to" help him get treatment, if she loves him and especially if she wants this relationship to work, kindly suggesting (or giving an ultimatum) that he seek a medical evaluation could help. Unlike addiction, treatment for depression is relatively straightforward once you find the right therapist, pill, what have you. Yes finding that can be somewhat difficult especially if you are catatonically depressed or despondent, but once you get there you aren't going to "relapse".
*Not everyone experiences depression as cripplingly low mood (or their experience of it can change per episode); there have certainly been times when I felt functionally "alright" but only due to avoiding any real responsibility, as this guy is doing; and sometimes depression which manifests itself in physical symptoms gets overlooked.
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In fact, there are many studies which show that exposure to violent pornography is linked to higher levels of violent attitudes towards women. Basically, studies have shown that there is a connection between sexual aggression and pornography consumption, although if one variable is driving the other (or if a third variable is the driving both) is unclear. Yet Malamuth 1998 notes: "This bidirectional relationship (i.e. higher proclivity to aggress resulting in more exposure to media violence, which in turn contributes to higher risk for aggression) is also consistent with research on media violence generally (Bushman, 1995)." Linz 1989 notes that many experiments on the effects of pornography have produced mixed results, but: "however, one finding is consistent for both long- and short-term studies. Those that have included violent (slasher) film conditions have consistently found less sensitivity toward rape victims after exposure to these materials." Unfortunately, scientific ethics mandate that studies on the impact of pornography musst be in controlled laboratory conditions; also, most of the research was done (and forgotten) in the late 80s and 90s when pornography and the "feminist sex wars" were major issues. So new data is needed.
That is not to say that banning porn is desirable (or possible), or that all porn is equivalent, but it is important to evaluate porn (and all media) with a critical eye, since many of the attitudes mainstream porn portrays are objectifying or misleading. All media can influence our attitudes and so it is misleading to say that it is "harmless".
From The Psychology of Women (7th ed, 2012): "Myth 4. Pornography has no effect on men's likelihood to rape. According to research, this myth is false. In fact, pornography that emphasizes violence can definitely be harmful. It can increase men's likelihood of sexual assault, as well as other forms of violence (B. A. Scott, 2008; J.W. White & Frabutt, 2006). Pornography seems to be especially dangerous for men who are high in hostility and high in promiscuity (Malamuth, 1998). Pornography can also provide men with "rape scripts," to show them specific techniques for sexual assault (Bourke, 2007). Pornography is clearly a complex social, moral, and legal issue (B. A. Scott, 2008; J.W. White & Frabutt, 2006). However, pornography is not simply an innocent form of entertainment." (Matlin 435)