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Aug 6 secretagent commented on Savage Love.
I wish I'd gotten here sooner because I have some tips for CRUD and I hope she reads them.

I tried getting off with hands and toys for years and it never worked. I came on accident for the first time on top with a boyfriend. My issue, and maybe yours, is that my clit is way too sensitive for most stimulation. You talking about the pillow and your method with your husband makes me think maybe you too! I use a ton of long lasting silicone lube and a circular, indirect motion with my hand and finally! The lube provides enough cushion so that the friction doesn't make me numb, and the indirect rubbing keeps the right kind of friction. I suggest trying it face down like you normally get off.

Otherwise, I agree with Dan. Explore your pussy like you're a teenager again and just touch, tug, rub, etc with no expectations, while you're alone. Set aside a half hour once a week for it, and just see if any new feelings come up. Try with and without penetration, try a very soft vibration, try a strong one. The sex toy store will have different varieties of vibrators, and the online one has ratings on speed and intensity so you can try different ones if you prefer not to go in. Try stimulating your breasts too and see if that does anything, and do whatever makes you feel sexy so your brain is engaged too. Erotica or porn or music or whatever gets you in the mood. Good luck! Retraining your brain is hard, but I think it can be done. I only come using my hand and I'd like to try other ways too, so I need to take the time to go without for awhile as well, but I'm greedy. :)
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Jul 31 secretagent commented on Savage Love.
As a person who is open to men who are in relationships, I gotta add that I would run if we got to date 3 and I had heard nothing if a wife or girlfriend. What? How can I know that I am respecting agreements I know nothing about? I'd feel a fool and any desire I might have would go right out the window.

As a woman who was in an open relationship, I can tell you that if a woman didn't like that he was in a relationship, had to be talked into it, or preferred thinking he was cheating - she was trouble. She wasn't down with what we had going and she would angle for something else. Thereby jeopardizing the good thing he had going because he was unable to respect that someone who was going to want him for herself was a complete no-go.

Your needs and desires don't match? Move on, and in a hurry.
Jul 11 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Call the Open Question.
I wonder, did it not occur to anyone to say, "be careful what you wish for"? Just as being single probably wasn't some non-stop orgy, being in an open relationship doesn't mean you're going to get all the sex and threesomes and exploration you want. In fact, it often results in the woman being totally busy and the man hearing crickets. So, while I believe in open relationships, I think he might want to be realistic about what happens next. Unless he's hot and surrounded already by people who are down with open relationships, it's not likely his every fantasy is just waiting for him.
Feb 8 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Armed Forces.
I am usually open to NSA arrangements, but I like it to be the same person or people for awhile. Going on random dates over and over (9 out of 10 aren't a match) isn't super fun. From what I can tell, many of us are looking for a regular casual hook up. So I'd suggest that he leave that out until the first date.
Feb 8 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Old Times.
Yes, 7, 14, 16.

You're allowed to stay in a relationship that's not forever for you, as long as your partner knows that. It's definitely not fair to stay when the other person thinks it's forever and you don't. If they are looking for a lifetime partner, they deserve to know that you're not that. There is a lot of unnecessary heartbreak involved when you find out your "forever" whom you've been factoring into your major life decisions knew all along they weren't actually your "forever".

He's never been in a relationship before, so he doesn't know how to end something. Leaving someone who is madly in love with you, is good to you, and hasn't done anything wrong is hard. But it's your life. And if you want to sow your oats, go do the sowing. If your lover is the right one, you may eventually end up back together anyhow.
Sep 17, 2013 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Honorary Centaur Fetishist.
We all have our kinks, but when your kinks start to interfere with your goals in life such as partnership, raising children, and sharing important religious and cultural commonalities, you might need to take a look at those kinks. I am definitely kinky, don't give a shit about sharing religion and culture, never want kids, and am ambivalent about partnership, just to be clear on where I stand on priorities. Nevertheless, even I know that those are important to some people and clearly to this guy, and a sexual inclination (let's not argue again that specific kinks are actually an orientation) should not trump *everything* else.

How about you get yourself to a therapist, dude? Which isn't code for you're crazy - therapists are not just for crazy people. They're also for people who aren't getting what they want from their lives and need to figure out how to go about it better. I personally have a serious attraction to a particular type of man that is almost guaranteed not to give me any but one thing I want in a relationship. They turn me into an orgasm pinata, however, and sexual satisfaction vies pretty seriously for number 1 spot in my list of priorities. After years of this, off to a therapist to figure out what the hell I'm doing, what's really important to me, and how to try to get my vagina and my heart into some kind of agreement. Because I actually do want to be happy, and sometimes that takes some adjustment in yourself and not of the rest of the world.
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Jul 24, 2013 secretagent commented on Spitzer and Vitter—Clients—Get Second Chances and Public Redemption.
Show me where I said they aren't degraded? I said they can decide that for themselves. Some may feel that they were. Some don't. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm saying it's subjective, and also none of your business.

Create a system for reporting abuse, and a way to reliably confirm this abuse, whilst in an illegal and dangerous profession? HAHAHAHAHA. There are so many, many impossible things about that supposition. Should they record their sessions? Do you know that in NYC, condoms are used as "evidence" against sex workers? How do you think that's going to go, exactly? The reason I think decriminalization is the answer is because it is the most rational solution, and I haven't heard of any reasonable alternative that will protect sex workers instead of persecute them.

In what manner, exactly, is one to "confirm" a crime against oneself like rape or sexual abuse? Do you know that the majority of rapes are unreported, that many that are reported are not prosecuted, and that many that are prosecuted fail to elicit guilty verdicts. What system are you going to create to make these basic truths, against even more vulnerable women, not apply?

Re:unemployment - ummmm, no. That's not even remotely how that works. And it never will. There's no great push for people to work at McDonalds if they're unemployed, and sex work is no different. But I'm sure you know that.

Re:imbalance of power - that is present with or without prostitution. Those with money have it, those without must do something for it. What kind of work it is doesn't change this. As far as power imbalances in a sexual relationship, those exist already too. Those are also none of your or the legislature's business, unless it crosses over into abuse. Which again, is easier to report and determine if you are not already labeled the "criminal".

And they already do punish johns. Not enough, not everywhere, but that doesn't really matter anyway. Prostitution always has and always will exist. There is a demand for sex that does not match the supply. No laws, no punishments, and no impossibly idealistic "system" will change that - we will just continue to allow women in this business to suffer unnecessarily because of our own confused morality.
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Jul 24, 2013 secretagent commented on Spitzer and Vitter—Clients—Get Second Chances and Public Redemption.
@DRF "Degraded and used" - again, that's *your* perspective. I think people are capable of deducing whether they feel used and degraded without your help. There is an entire spectrum of things that one can do that others might find degrading - making dinner for your man, giving blowjobs, cleaning the house naked, getting spanked for being bratty - that others do not. Legislation based on feelings and not logic is bad government.

On that note, do you know what's degrading? Being forced to give blowjobs to cops who are supposed to help you, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it - because you are "degraded" and therefore less human. Making prostitution illegal sets up these exact power dynamics you purport to be reason for criminalization.

And you are conflating prostitution with sex trafficking. Which is STILL illegal where prostitution is not. Making prostitution legal actually makes it easier to prevent sex trafficking - where women do not have to run and hide, where they do not fear the police, where they don't have to worry about being criminalized for being victims, and feel safe reporting abuse - THIS is the only thing that is *actually* effective.

And your landlord argument is specious. Any idiot can ask you to do whatever he wants - legal or illegal - that doesn't change the terms of your contract. Making something legal does not put it in some giant grab bag of "things I might have to do". Weird illogicality there.

If this is something you feel passionately about, which it seems to be, I would encourage you to talk to some actual prostitutes about it. They are in it, and they know what needs to happen to make them *actually* safer.

That is, if preventing victimization is actually your concern, rather than legislating your moral beliefs.
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Jul 15, 2013 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: That Sucking Sound.
Let me also point out that unresolved STI's for women can be debilitating. If he cares about his wife at all, he'd better get tested.
Jul 15, 2013 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: That Sucking Sound.
For all she knows, he's content with their sex life. They've been married 15 years, have a couple of kids, but still manage to screw 1-3 times a week. Maybe he's never been good at oral and she was humoring him, and now doesn't feel like it. He describes the sex as "plain vanilla" while also saying she was barely GGG to begin with.

This isn't about her - it's about him, getting bored, being lazy and failing to communicate. Getting some on the side is easier than negotiating with his wife, so that's what he does. When she finds out, he'll lose everything, including the respect of his kids. Hope it's worth it.

Oh, and dude might wanna consider exactly how many other dicks have been in the mouths of these anonymous craigslist bj providers. He might already have something and be asymptomatic, and she might already have it too. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea OFTEN don't show symptoms. Even IF he stops, he needs to get tested asap, and regularly after that if he continues (which he probably will).
 
 

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