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Dec 14, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Just an Excuse to Link the Playboy Interview.
I love the article! But I agree that cheating is presented as option 1 rather than option 3 - talk, listen, THEN cheat if you can't communicte to satisfaction.

I am so happy to have someone finally point out that OF COURSE women aren't having as much casual sex as we'd like to because we bear the majority of the consequences. I'd like to point out the missing piece though. Have you, a man, ever called a woman a slut or otherwise impugned her sexuality? In front of other women, no less? Congratulations, you are contributing to you and your fellow men not getting laid. Women will not embrace their sexuality until doing so is safe. Physically, emotionally, and especially socially. For most women, being socially ostracized, bullied, or mocked is too high a price to pay for being sexually authentic.
Dec 4, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Zoning Violation.
54, 55 - "You need professional help" is not condescending, not a put down, and yes, not a pancea. Yes, we all act irrationally sometimes, and that's not a crime. Therapy is also not a punishment. It's amazing. Self-help industrial complex??? You mean, utilizing modern science and tools to help ourselves? It's not repressive to recognize when someone is hurting and suggest a way to help.

Those who think recommending therapy is an insult have some unpacking to do themselves about their outdated ideas about therapy. We are long past the days of Freud and other weird-ass doctors pathologizing you. Of course it's normal to get upset sometimes. Normal people go to therapy - it's not just for looney toons. Good therapy is a tool that helps you examine your behavior, your thoughts, and your stress and figure out how you can be happier and achieve your goals. All of us have learned behaviors that no longer serve us. Often those get in our way. Someone who encounters a hostile receptionist (who knows what she thinks, and who cares?) and now can no longer make eye contact with people is definitely overreacting. But worse, she's unhappy and it's affecting her day to day life. And that's exactly what therapy is for. Even if it's just to say, "This shitty thing happened and it's affecting me" and to work out how to deal and how to get over it.

As for angry friend, easy tiger. No one is trying to hurt your friend. The world is not against you. They're providing advice, maybe not wrapped up in nice, soothing packaging, but advice nonetheless, which is the point of writing to an advice columnist. Dan's commenters aren't a knitting circle. Also, your friend is an adult and can speak for herself. Your hostility is out of proportion and you're making both yourself and your friend look silly.
Nov 25, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Profile & Courage.
I'm exactly in the range of Lars, physically, but I don't know what he's looking for otherwise, but maybe some tips might be welcome. These are just mine, but I am your target so might help.

Go to the gym. You're adorable, and a little extra umph makes a heap of difference. Nice guy and then a peek of a some sexy arms? Sold. You have a closed door to LTR, so you need to up the beefcake factor. If you can't be my boyfriend you've got to counter by being the sexy thing I do for fun. I'm not cutting you down - you are attractive - but what works for a bf needs to be magnified for a sex friends+ position, at least for me. Talk more about what you'd like in a girl - do you like em smart, funny, sarcastic? Just a teeny bit less vague - I don't want to feel like your type is "female" even if it is - i need to feel special and chosen. And your profile says casual but you say you'd like an emotional connection - there's a disconnect there. I'd say, "looking for a fun, interesting, and possibly ongoing relationship - I'm open to hookups but more excited by a real friendship with great chemistry." About your wife, "I'm in a healthy, stable open marriage and not looking to change that, but I have the freedom to pursue great connections outside of it." Me being poly and looking for the same, my fear about married guys is that they're only available every second Tuesday. I'd want a clear indication that you've got time to see me regularly, but I also like to know that the primary relationship is stable and respected. And most importantly, cultivate your friendships and hobbies. A full life is an interesting one. If all you've got to talk about is your wife, that'll get old really quickly.

Go out some, try tindr, don't get discouraged. You'll find it, you just need confidence and a bit of fine tuning.

And Mrs Lars, go you! Glad you're reining it in just a bit for now to support the hubby. Also glad you're having such fun!
Nov 15, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Give Up Already.
This letter makes me SO glad I finally left my piece-of-shit ex. That asshole and I were in an open relationship and he still lied and hid stuff and decieved me. Some people are just narcissistic and cannot let anything get in the way of their (however fleeting) desires.

My advice for him: accept that your dishonesty and selfishness has irreparably destroyed all trust your wife ever had in you, and likely your marriage as well. Every time you lie to someone, a little piece of their love for you dies. You belong in counseling on your own to discover why you repeatedly put yourself ahead of your marriage and family and how you can build yourself up so that you don't destroy the things you love. Likely you have hard things to look at, and sorting it out will be painful, but you will likely find some healing and peace within it too. Take this time to grow as a person, and maybe a side effect will be that your wife falls back in love with you. But even if she doesn't, you will be a better dad and a better partner in the future. You can't control her; you can't even control yourself, and every effort you make to tell her what's right or what she should do will only drive her further away. You have zero credibility right now. If you can't do the hard work and you can't take her fucking around, get out now before this gets any worse for your kids. Hating each other is going to be hell on them.
Nov 4, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Clitoral Indirection.
People say that most women won't orgasm without clitoral stimulation, and that's true, but I think we're about 3 steps ahead of ourselves with that advice.

First, anxiety and pressure are major turn-offs. I have been building a great relationship with my body for many years but if I'm worried about my partner, my body, how long I'm taking, I just can't get turned on, let alone get off. It's totally normal for a young woman to have sex before you've figured out what really feels good and what turns you on. Our bodies are more varied and complex, and while that may be a challenge at first, it can mean an abundance of orgasms down the road. Tell your partner you're taking orgasm off the table for now. If you enjoy and want sex with your partner, keep doing it, with the goal of feeling good and happy after. Tell him your body is different than anyone else's and you'll get there when your ready. For now, ask to spend time kissing and grinding and enjoying the caressing before sex - he should be touching you all over your body, your breasts, your hair, your lips, your thighs, not zooming in on your genitals like a homing beacon. It's supposed to be fun and exciting, and if you're not having fun, you're going to have trouble having an orgasm, not matter what either of you do. If he gets whiny or doesn't want to do this with you your way, DTMFA. Your pleasure, what it actually takes, should be important to him, and you're not a video game - it's not Left left, right right, down down and then bing! orgasm happens.

Second, you're likely not going to get off without stimulating your brain. I didn't hear much of anything in that letter about CLIT's level of arousal. Do you ever see something on tv, or read something, or have a dream that makes you feel warm and somewhat achy in your lower stomach, or pelvis, or thighs? If not, that's where to begin. Seek out books, maybe start light with romance novels and then erotica and just - see how you feel. If those things are exciting for you, great. If not, keep looking. For all of us it's different. You'll likely find your thing on your own.

When you do, you can start with the physical aspect. When you're feeling aroused, touch your own body - gently, everywhere. Avoid your genitals until you really want to touch them. Don't start there. And when you do get there, use lube. You can get it from planned parenthood. Vaginas don't always provide enough lube for really sensitive women. For me, I need enough to cushion everything to even be able to touch my clit. But don't start there either. Touch all around it, your whole vulva. And if you do want to touch it, do not peel back your hood. Guys see this in porn and it makes me cringe. Use your whole hand to kind of rub over it gently. You'll know when you want more pressure, and if it gets too much, go back to other things for awhile. There's no hurry when you're on your own.

And eventually, you'll have developed a great relationship with your own body, and it will start to interpret sensual touch as pleasurable and not anxiety provoking, and your boyfriend or the next man can be shown what you like. If he's not totally excited to hear and see what works for you, DTMFA. Don't spend your youth with anyone who doesn't prioritize your pleasure or who makes you feel like you're doing it wrong. It's your body, you're learning what it likes, and you are the only person who can tell anyone what you need. Each of us find orgasm at a different place and a different pace - you learn the roadmap and then you teach it to them. In the meantime, don't feel bad! You have a wealth of advice available to you here and there is nothing wrong with you!
Sep 18, 2014 secretagent commented on Savage Love.
It sounds like she wants what poly people call a "V", with herself as the point. I really wish she'd jump in here though, cause she didn't explicitly say they can't have other partners - though I think many of us are inferring that.

If you want to be in a relationship with two people, you will likely have to accept that they too will have other relationships, whether with each other or others. Date in the poly community and you will not have much trouble. If you're trying to make monogamous people into poly-accepting by virtue of your bisexuality, get a grip. It's a rare monogamous person who transitions to poly without their own motivations and desires to fulfill. It's also somewhat challenging to find them at the same time rather than one and then the other. Building a stable foundation with a poly identified person is what I would recommend, and then seeking another.
Aug 6, 2014 secretagent commented on Savage Love.
I wish I'd gotten here sooner because I have some tips for CRUD and I hope she reads them.

I tried getting off with hands and toys for years and it never worked. I came on accident for the first time on top with a boyfriend. My issue, and maybe yours, is that my clit is way too sensitive for most stimulation. You talking about the pillow and your method with your husband makes me think maybe you too! I use a ton of long lasting silicone lube and a circular, indirect motion with my hand and finally! The lube provides enough cushion so that the friction doesn't make me numb, and the indirect rubbing keeps the right kind of friction. I suggest trying it face down like you normally get off.

Otherwise, I agree with Dan. Explore your pussy like you're a teenager again and just touch, tug, rub, etc with no expectations, while you're alone. Set aside a half hour once a week for it, and just see if any new feelings come up. Try with and without penetration, try a very soft vibration, try a strong one. The sex toy store will have different varieties of vibrators, and the online one has ratings on speed and intensity so you can try different ones if you prefer not to go in. Try stimulating your breasts too and see if that does anything, and do whatever makes you feel sexy so your brain is engaged too. Erotica or porn or music or whatever gets you in the mood. Good luck! Retraining your brain is hard, but I think it can be done. I only come using my hand and I'd like to try other ways too, so I need to take the time to go without for awhile as well, but I'm greedy. :)
Jul 31, 2014 secretagent commented on Savage Love.
As a person who is open to men who are in relationships, I gotta add that I would run if we got to date 3 and I had heard nothing if a wife or girlfriend. What? How can I know that I am respecting agreements I know nothing about? I'd feel a fool and any desire I might have would go right out the window.

As a woman who was in an open relationship, I can tell you that if a woman didn't like that he was in a relationship, had to be talked into it, or preferred thinking he was cheating - she was trouble. She wasn't down with what we had going and she would angle for something else. Thereby jeopardizing the good thing he had going because he was unable to respect that someone who was going to want him for herself was a complete no-go.

Your needs and desires don't match? Move on, and in a hurry.
Jul 11, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Call the Open Question.
I wonder, did it not occur to anyone to say, "be careful what you wish for"? Just as being single probably wasn't some non-stop orgy, being in an open relationship doesn't mean you're going to get all the sex and threesomes and exploration you want. In fact, it often results in the woman being totally busy and the man hearing crickets. So, while I believe in open relationships, I think he might want to be realistic about what happens next. Unless he's hot and surrounded already by people who are down with open relationships, it's not likely his every fantasy is just waiting for him.
Feb 8, 2014 secretagent commented on SL Letter of the Day: Armed Forces.
I am usually open to NSA arrangements, but I like it to be the same person or people for awhile. Going on random dates over and over (9 out of 10 aren't a match) isn't super fun. From what I can tell, many of us are looking for a regular casual hook up. So I'd suggest that he leave that out until the first date.

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