Helenka (also a Canuck)
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♥ As a Gemini, I acknowledge many dualities of which woman/child and bold/timid are but… more »

May 12 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
Chiming in on NOTHARD's letter. The whole thing seems very awkward considering he's been having difficulties for Eight. Whole. Years. I'm also wary of the one-time hall pass. I can't see how her getting some hard dick once would satisfy her craving; I'd think it would just exaggerate what she's deprived of.

The practical suggestions of trying other ED drugs/dosages and a cock ring are great (if a few years too late), but I'm sensing a general lack of enthusiasm for oral sex and toys. Have NOTHARD and her husband tried different positions for oral sex? I remember discovering one (I'd call it sexual geometry that didn't require an Olympic medal) in a porn mag that was awesome and couldn't wait to try it! What about oral and fingers? Oral and toys?

Nobody else has suggested this, so I will. What about having her husband fist her? No, it's not-a-dick. It's so much more that can provide an unbelievable experience. It might make her appreciate what her husband can (still) do for her, even without a hard dick. Sometimes, one has to rephrase the equation to get the best possible answer.
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May 3 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Wrong with Wanting Bigger Boobs?.
I feel sad for the LW when she reveals that she really prefers to have sex only when she's drunk. If that's the case, then how can she even ascertain what men think of her body. And they're still having sex with her when she's taken her clothes off. So her lack of boobs isn't turning them off.

Even though it's her body and she's free to do with it what she wants, risks and all, I'd hope she would get to the point where she can have sex without being drunk - probably with the help of therapy. I'm also in the camp of being wary of implants that might interfere with sensitivity and sexual responsiveness.

I do have one suggestion that nobody else has mentioned. Has LW ever visited a sex store selling kinky apparel? She might find some bras with cut-out nipples and wild straps that will offer her extra support of the breasts no matter what position she's in. There is NO hard rule that she must be naked when having sex and she might just find men reacting to her in a more visceral fashion. And I'd hope she'd be able to enjoy sex for its own sake rather than feeling deprived.
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Apr 9 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
... but maybe because we were in her sister's spare bedroom, or for whatever reason....


I'm surprised nobody else has picked up on the first part of the above excerpt. We don't know what kind of a relationship she has with her sister or whether she was feeling awkward making sex noises and that was making her more hesitant to come - because then she might really make noises she wouldn't be able to control.

If this were something PERSIST (I also wish we had more identifying details) and "the gf" were experiencing on a regular basis, then many of the comments would be appropriate. I think the setting had more to do with the struggle to get to the finish line and the backing-off until PERSIST persisted.
Apr 5 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Hunger.
@delta35

You turned no_cute_name into a Japanese-sounding word. Bravo!
Apr 5 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
EmmaLiz @153

I suggested SPOUSE might want to join him for a porn session at least once a week - over 100 comments ago. She could focus on herself, but still see if he'd be interested in dividing his focus between what he's doing and her. It might not get her exactly what she wants, but it would still be a shared sexual encounter. It can also be fun to mimic what's happening in the porn (as long as both find the activity in question pleasurable)!

BTW, I so wish this "paper" employed a more user-friendly format for its comments sections. The fact that we have to constantly read and keep track of replies to separate threads is not fun, especially when it's a high volume of comments. Sigh.
Mar 29 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
Dear DRMN: Your libido is not exaggerated. It's not abnormal. It just is what it is. Denying it is probably just increasing how horny you feel because you're not releasing your heightened sexual tension through orgasm. Masturbating is not bad or evil or unhealthy. It doesn't mean you're not a "good girl". It's actually very healthy to have orgasms regularly. What you're also doing when you have your own orgasms is that you teach your body how to become more responsive when you get involved with a partner (who, for the record, can not read your mind and just magically give you the perfect orgasm; I hope you didn't grow up with the idea that the moment you're penetrated you'll feel just like the heroine of a romance novel). You have every right to decide for yourself when you want to try partnered sex; in the meantime, you can take care of your own needs discreetly.

If you consider any penetration to be part of losing your virginity, then you'll most likely not be interested in using a dildo, etc. But you can have lots of fun exploring your clit (an organ whose sole purpose is to give you pleasure) and labia through stroking, pulling, squeezing, all with your fingers. Or you can get a vibrator. If it's illegal to buy something like that where you live, you can find vibes that are designed for other uses: massaging aching muscles or applying face creams, even the back of a battery-powered toothbrush, etc., and can be found in many drugstores. But don't forget that, just like your fingers, you can use what is common in many bathtubs and showers, namely a detachable showerhead angled at your vulva and set to your desired pressure. The bonus of using the showerhead is that you may find it less intimidating than using your fingers. The other bonus is that, once you're finished, you'll have washed away any of the secretions that accumulated during your arousal and orgasm, if you decided to have one. If you didn't, then you can use it to ramp up the desire before using your fingers once you're in bed. Another benefit of an orgasm: it'll send you off to a better sleep. I believe that Scarleteen has had many columns giving useful advice to young women regarding sexuality, so you might want to check out their site, especially regarding what to expect what an orgasm feels like, especially leading up to it. Good luck.
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Mar 29 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
A couple points about SPOUSE. She doesn't mention how long this mismatch has been happening. Was it always like this or did it happen recently? If it's fairly recent, then it could signal a drop in Mr. SPOUSE's testosterone levels. We are also not told whether Mr. SPOUSE masturbates when he watches porn. It IS possible that he watches it just to ramp up his arousal, perhaps to get to the level where he's able to fuck his wife the maximum 2x a week (for him). So he may be using it in order to actually perform with her.

If he is in fact masturbating (especially) to orgasm on a daily basis, well, then, he is disrespecting his wife for the ease of a casual, selfish release that doesn't involve needing to care about his wife's pleasure or lack thereof.

I'd hope it's the former rather than the latter. If they're both turned on my porn, then why not watch it together. She can propose it and start playing with herself ... then see whether he becomes inclined to either play with himself OR to play with her, if he's sincerely not chasing an orgasm. But it would be one way for them to both be doing something they enjoy, even if it's not the single-focused sex she'd prefer to have. Certainly better than what she's getting from him now (along with the rejection that, when it's had a chance to fester, can lead to more problems).
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Mar 24 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Trumpcare Fails to Even Make It to a House Vote.
I was fascinated to watch (and not retch) as Lyin' Ryan announced the withdrawal. Did he actually hear himself speak when he acknowledged that the Repubs' only function for the last ten years had been to oppose? That they'd had no interest in achieving a bipartisan solution, but now expect everyone to fall in line?

Until I'd read about them on SLOG this week, I had no idea the Freedom Caucus existed. ::shudders:: Ugh.
Feb 20 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Ex-Mormon Wants to Come Out as Poly to Mormon Family.
@5 (DonnyK)

Thanks for the giggles about the wild monkey sex. As for the WHY announce it, I believe we Dan-acolytes discussed this months ago IIRC about celebrities coming out. Though we were talking about orientation, certain principles apply to polyamory. When you're poly and out and are caught being where you (or your wife) aren't supposed to be, with a stranger, people won't be gossiping about the fact you're cheating.

Oh,. I'll bet some will still gossip, but they won't be able to leverage it to cause more damage because the news will already be out ... and old.
Feb 4 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Wedding Party.
Taking umbrage at the B-I-L's audacity of actually wanting to get married (with party, 'cuz let's not forget what the most important factor is) when your marriage has yet to be celebrated with all the hoopla is pointless. Let the B-I-L get married in peace. Remember that there's also another person involved - his future wife - who probably had as much of a say or more regarding setting the date.

Attend the festivities and wish the happy couple all the best. Then - while you're still in town - issue a personal invitation to both your immediate families and closest friends - to attend the renewal of vows if not on your first married anniversary (which may be too close to Christmas or bad flying weather) then on an alternate date (perhaps the Labour Day weekend) that will represent your 25th anniversary together, even if it's not the exact date.

You might graciously ask your B-I-L and wife to introduce you and your wife at some point during the party to acknowledge your recent marriage and long-lasting happiness (with a toast?). But under no condition should you try to turn their party into a pizza of which you demand half. Be happy, instead, that your relationship has lasted much longer than most straight marriages have. You've already won those bragging rights. Congrats!
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