Oct 23, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
To MAS: yes, do it right now, what Dan says, before you end up married to the guy or entangled in more long-term commitment that will be painful to break off. If it's impossible for the sex to get any better with long-term boyfriend--and not because one of you has unusual needs that might be tricky to satisfy, like getting the timing right on the trapeze--it might be your body/brain's way of telling the conscious you that you're just not that into him.
Oct 3, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
mydriasis, I could not agree with you more. Apparently in the world of Tucatz, the mark of being a good, nice guy is that you wear jeans and an oxford shirt. How come all the assholes I know dress just like that? Huh. And all the gentle, shy guys are hiding out behind that "scary" leather jacket! lol
I know one particularly show-offy asshole who is always mocking overtly "sexy" women (like pop singers) for having "look at me, Daddy!" issues. I always wonder if he means, by implication, that he has "look at me, Mommy!" issues? Because he's quite invested in getting off on putting other people down with his great "wit". Perhaps he's still trying to prove Mom loves him more than she loves his big brother. (I jest, of course, but the underlying point is serious.)
I know one particularly show-offy asshole who is always mocking overtly "sexy" women (like pop singers) for having "look at me, Daddy!" issues. I always wonder if he means, by implication, that he has "look at me, Mommy!" issues? Because he's quite invested in getting off on putting other people down with his great "wit". Perhaps he's still trying to prove Mom loves him more than she loves his big brother. (I jest, of course, but the underlying point is serious.)
Jul 16, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Sissou's question was: "why wouldn't you agree to non-cheating non-monogamy".
Answer: First, I like to have the full and undivided attention of the partner. I was an only child--maybe that's the deeper psychological reason. I would become frustrated, bored, and resentful if I had to wait around for a man who was spending any of his energies on someone else. Work and other life responsibilities already take us further away from our partners than we'd like to be; why add anything else to that mix, especially something as potentially distracting and volatile as an extra lover?
Second, STDs. Yes, I have heard of condoms, and while they are helpful and better than nothing at preventing STDs, if you really, really don't want to get one they are meaningless. Periodic testing is meaningless.
Third, the connection and experiences I have with a long term monogamous partner are more intense, fascinating, and fulfillng, so non-monogamy would likely make me feel as if I was settling for second best.
These are the reasons why I wouldn't want a non-monogamous relationship with anyone at my age. When I was younger I would have been glad to be in one--indeed, I tried and failed to arrange this on multiple occasions. I have many more reasons for wanting to be monogamous with my particular husband, an extensive and highly personal list of reasons I wouldn't share, but these are generic reasons why I am no longer interested in non-monogamy. I have no problem with other people choosing it, of course--what they prefer is their business.
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Answer: First, I like to have the full and undivided attention of the partner. I was an only child--maybe that's the deeper psychological reason. I would become frustrated, bored, and resentful if I had to wait around for a man who was spending any of his energies on someone else. Work and other life responsibilities already take us further away from our partners than we'd like to be; why add anything else to that mix, especially something as potentially distracting and volatile as an extra lover?
Second, STDs. Yes, I have heard of condoms, and while they are helpful and better than nothing at preventing STDs, if you really, really don't want to get one they are meaningless. Periodic testing is meaningless.
Third, the connection and experiences I have with a long term monogamous partner are more intense, fascinating, and fulfillng, so non-monogamy would likely make me feel as if I was settling for second best.
These are the reasons why I wouldn't want a non-monogamous relationship with anyone at my age. When I was younger I would have been glad to be in one--indeed, I tried and failed to arrange this on multiple occasions. I have many more reasons for wanting to be monogamous with my particular husband, an extensive and highly personal list of reasons I wouldn't share, but these are generic reasons why I am no longer interested in non-monogamy. I have no problem with other people choosing it, of course--what they prefer is their business.
Jul 16, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Completely agree with avast2006: using sex as a reward for weight loss is going to cause the husband to deeply internalize that wife is not really attracted to him. What a horrible thing to do to someone you love.
Jul 11, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
@72, you win the whole jar of marbles.
I disagree with Dan: GIMP needs to dump her and never look back!
Regarding LBS, sex should never be used as a tool to manipulate someone else's behavior that way, particularly when it's an issue as sensitive and personal as weight gain. I predict that if LBS tries to implement her plan, it will be disastrous for her marriage on several levels, and it will be entirely her fault.
The only time it would be okay to use sex as an incentive or reward in that way would be when it is actually part of some sexual or romantic game you're playing. Otherwise, it's just plain mean and shitty, and if you'd be willing to do that to your spouse, the relationship has more serious problems.
I disagree with Dan: GIMP needs to dump her and never look back!
Regarding LBS, sex should never be used as a tool to manipulate someone else's behavior that way, particularly when it's an issue as sensitive and personal as weight gain. I predict that if LBS tries to implement her plan, it will be disastrous for her marriage on several levels, and it will be entirely her fault.
The only time it would be okay to use sex as an incentive or reward in that way would be when it is actually part of some sexual or romantic game you're playing. Otherwise, it's just plain mean and shitty, and if you'd be willing to do that to your spouse, the relationship has more serious problems.
Jun 5, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
VCard, I too waited a longer time before having sex, at least relative to my friends and acquaintances. I completely understand why you'd like to remove the emotional concerns about a relationship from your first sexual experiences. That worked very well for me and I have only happy feelings about it in retrospect. I was able to learn about sex from a friend I trusted, we're still friends, if anything went wrong I knew it would be ok, and I didn't have the lingering emotional hangups that afflicted so many of my friends who were in love with the guy they first had sex with, only to have the relationship end or the sex be disastrously bad.
So, my advice is simple, though I don't know if it will work for you as it worked for me: make friends with a lot of guys, without worrying about sex, if you haven't already. Hang out with them, get to know what they're like, be comfortable around them. I'd say that's your best bet of finding a guy you like and trust enough to inquire about a casual fling (I would tell him up front why you're doing it).
I would also put something inside yourself, yourself, whether that be a finger or toy or whatever, and get comfortable with that before doing it with someone else. That takes the fear of pain, blood, whatever out of the equation.
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So, my advice is simple, though I don't know if it will work for you as it worked for me: make friends with a lot of guys, without worrying about sex, if you haven't already. Hang out with them, get to know what they're like, be comfortable around them. I'd say that's your best bet of finding a guy you like and trust enough to inquire about a casual fling (I would tell him up front why you're doing it).
I would also put something inside yourself, yourself, whether that be a finger or toy or whatever, and get comfortable with that before doing it with someone else. That takes the fear of pain, blood, whatever out of the equation.
Jun 5, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Amen to what 157 said: leave your poor personal trainers alone! Leave anyone alone who is simply trying to do a job and be professional! It's especially important to do this when you're paying someone to do work that brings them into close or personal contact with you. A basic respect for boundaries and for the other person's dignity demands that you NOT treat them as a potential sexual interest. If you happen to fall in desperate love or lust with your personal trainer, masseuse, doctor, or anyone else who needs to contact your body without any sexual connotation, then contact them at a time when you're not using their professional services, and ask to have coffee or lunch or their personal phone or email, like a decent person would. If they're interested, great. If not, they can decline without disrespect to their professional responsibilities.
Jun 5, 2012
Suzy commented on Savage Love.
EAT needs to use the power of imagination and think of something that she normally uses to get herself off! Forget about the guy and what he's doing down there and whether he likes it--if necessary, put the pillow over your head and close your eyes and imagine yourself doing whatever you find exciting. Maybe it will be uncomfortable or embarrassing at first, but it sounds like she just can't unwind and turn off her self-regulating worries about what other people think long enough to enjoy herself. I suspect her concerns are not uncommon.
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