Tim Horton
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Sep 21 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@92 - To give you the perspective of a long-married man: I feel similarly about my wife. I don't have an insatiable desire to fuck her, particularly, but I do have an overwhelming desire to have sex. My wife just happens to be my only (approved) sexual outlet. Of course, I still find her attractive, and I still love the sensation of sex and there is something unique about wife I still enjoy. But, like you, and I assume most long term marrieds, I often think of other people, scenarios, otters, you name it, while having sex.

I think the difference between me and wife (and perhaps you are in my wife's camp) is my desire is totally spontaneous - I want to have sex every day, I don't need something to rev my motor. My wife's desire is purely responsive, she needs something to respond to and her dear old familiar husband just isn't a mysterious quantity anymore. The odd part I just don't get - I am totally cool with her doing whatever it takes to get in the mood and over the top and it offends me zero if she is thinking about someone else. So why not just think of Ryan Gosling and get to fucking? Total win-win?

Sep 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@51 - you are my wife - not literally of course - and what you said is totally correct. The easier explanation here is that most women's desire peaks early and then gradually decreases over the relationship, while men's stays constant. Totally normal. A second vote to Dan refocusing his advice on ways to strengthen allegedly monogamous long term relationships.

@45 - I am as alpha as they come, my wife stays at home, we have a pure division of labor. You would not be jealous of my sex life, or of my male friends in the same boat (except those having affairs).

Although I tend to agree that, on average, a more traditional division of labor might see a minuscule uptick in sex quantity, you won't find many women who think this new equality is a raw deal for them. Put it this way: ask the average woman if she would prefer A) a man who does an equal share of dishes, food prep, cleaning, laundry and other domestic chores, or B) a man who does none of that but they have sex, on average, 1.5x more per month

May 14 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
Regarding having children:

It's somewhat like a hard graduate program - med school, law school, PhD studies. When you are in the thick of it, it is exhausting, tedious, draining, occasionally rewarding. When you look back on it, the sense of pride and accomplishment is indescribable.

In other words, the days are long, but the years are short.

But, absolutely, the world would be a better place if breeding was left to those who made a conscious, informed decision on breeding.
Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
@57 - of course, monogamy would be easier if I were banging the missus like a screen door in a hurricane. Although even back in the frequent sex days, there was always strong temptation. Easier, yes. Easy, no.

NoCute @68 covered what I would say if I had good organizational structure and could type more than 9 words per minute. I will add that I don't think its odd for one person to want a life milestone earlier than their partner, nor do I see it as a sign of settling or disconnect. Often, the question of who "wins" comes down to who it is more important to. In my situation, it wasn't that I didn't want to marry Mrs. Horton, but that it had never occurred to me it was something I wanted now. Like kids - it's important to you to do that before age 35? Ok, count me in.

I made the assumption RINGS was traditional-minded because she wanted the traditional engagement-marriage story. But I absolutely agree that she should want that because its what makes her boat float. Just as no one should live their life because its what society expects, neither should they deny themselves what they want because its conformist. For me, I would have felt emasculated if my wife proposed to me, if I was a stay-at-home dad, or couldn't skate backwards.

Chacon a son gout, as I learned in French class.
Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
@42 - no offense taken (I felt that coming as I was typing). In fairness, there is a lot about my marriage that is fantastic, of course. I don't think marriage is my "problem", so much as monogamy, which isn't just my problem, it affects many/most people in long-term monogamous marriages - Savage has built his success on highlighting the tension and, often, misery caused by the mixing and strict adherence of monogamy to marriage (as he writes from Ann Landers' desk).

Rest assured that if RINGS were asking Savage about the wisdom of including strict monogamy on her wedding vows, I would have told her a story about camels.

Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
Hi RINGS - My advice as a former dragger of feet.....

Mrs. Horton and I were same demographic and ages that you were. Dating 4 years, approaching 30. Living together. Honestly, marriage never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured it was something I would do at some point, the same way kids entering college know they will, one day, have to get a job in the real world.

One day, Mrs. Horton told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to get married and have kids. And wanted that to be with me. But, if I didn't want that, either with her or with anyone, she needed to know so she could go out and find it. I am paraphrasing, of course.

It made me take an inventory of things, and a conscious decision to propose and get married. We have a cool engagement story.

I don't think you should propose. You describe yourself as a boring white girl, i.e. traditional, and there is nothing wrong with wanting things to be traditional. I think you would be resentful if you proposed, and would not be particularly proud to tell your story. Plus, you may have lingering doubt if marriage to you is what he really wanted, or he was just caught on the spot and said yes.

I think you should push this issue, with some type of similar, honest conversation about what you want out of life and a timeframe for it. I know several fantastic women, total catches, who ended up single and/or childless because they wasted their 20s and early 30s in a dead-end relationship with a man who never proposed. Of course, the ex-boyfriend was married with kids a year or two after the break-up. The singles dating market shifts dramatically when people hit their 30s. (Obvious disclaimer - there is nothing wrong with being single and childless if that is what you want. It actually sounds appealing to plenty of married with children folks, from time to time).
Apr 19 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Constant Question.
@198 - She usually gets into it once we start, and orgasms with use of toys. However, a good percentage of the time she will make it clear she is taking one for the team. Also, the obvious times one would think she should be in the mood - vacations, date nights, anniversaries - are still met with indifference to sex and won't lead to it unless I push for it. It doesn't appear sex ever crosses her mind.

Yet, she will tell you she has the happiest marriage of anyone she knows. Total cognitive dissonance.
Apr 18 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Constant Question.
@195 - hers was much, much higher when dating. We were normal, mid-late-20s couple who had sex every time we were together, multiple times a day. When the kids came 8 years ago it plummeted and never returned. She has also gone from somewhat sexually adventurous (edges of vanilla) to very vanilla.

I assume mine is static, if not lower than when we dated. Going from mid-20s to late-30s, typical male drive, I assume.

Alison's comment @165 is an interesting perspective - I always run the fuck. Not complaining, I am happy and its natural for me to be dominant. Since she is passive and refuses to speak up or give me a clue what to do differently, there may well be an element of staleness. Which I can't cure alone. When you are having sex relatively infrequently, its tempting to do what works to get her off rather than to mix it up at the risk of her associating our last sexual tryst as a dud.

Apr 18 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Constant Question.
@192 - my wife isn't representative of all women, although I bet her drive is within the low side of average, if not entirely average. In my circle of a dozen close guy friends, most are around my situation. Two say their wives are much higher drive than them. High libido, sexually adventurous and open-minded women absolutely exist, I've known some, one of them etched into my erotic memory.

I've gone stretches without sex in my single years. No biggie. There is a huge difference between going without sex in and out of a relationship. It's like the difference between eating out solo vs. eating out with someone. Its more fun with someone else unless that person is ignoring you.

Finally, for some reason, it really bothers me we have sex less than average, statistically speaking. It's my competitive streak.
Apr 18 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Constant Question.
@180 - masturbation definitely satisfies momentarily. It takes the immediate pressure off, relieves feelings that can literally make a man insane. When you are thinking of doing something stupid - calling a crazy ex, ordering a call-girl - that idea that seemed so necessary before orgasm instantly becomes absolutely jaw-droppingly insane 10 seconds after.

To use hunger as an example - its like eating carrots and peanuts. It does not satiate like a meal. The feeling of hunger returns much faster after a salad with no dressing than if you dined on a four course fine meal - that's the difference. Obviously, there is the emotional component for sex v. masturbation. For me, even if I have self-pleasured multiple nights a week, my skin craves touch from another. Massage helps fill the void.