Tim Horton
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Sep 28 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
@18 - your statement that ethics, not testosterone, causes cheating - reminds me of "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Which is technically true, although doncha know having a gun in the home increases your chance of dying by gunfire. And higher testosterone is linked to infidelity rates. The point I was making, knowing that testosterone falls as men age, I assume so does their desire to cheat. All else being equal.

While I am free associating - I don't think anyone can know whether they are going to be good at long-term monogamy when they are in love and in their 30s (let alone their 20s). Savage's advice that we should magically know how we will feel about having sex with the same person 20 years from now, is about as useful as making a college grad vow they will always remain faithful to their first job out of school doing non-profit work. I mean, Dan Savage boasts that all men want to have sex with women other than their partner. That is immutable. How can you possibly know what it will feel like 5, 10, 20 years into a monogamous relationship? Given rates of infidelity and divorce, best to assume people aren't good at monogamy, and - as grandma used to say - a man is as faithful as his options.

To which, the most useful advice to CPOS: get off the damn app and limit your damn options.
Sep 28 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
My money is on that CPOS will cheat again. He is in the happiest and most content time of his relationship. Yet he sought out casual encounters, even after he was caught. This wasn't a situation where he was caught up in a moment, or the usual state of sexual neglect when the kids come along. That said, he shouldn't tell his fiance. The best he can do is remember the guilt and try and resurrect that emotion when he feels drawn to cheat.

It would be interesting to know the recidivism rate for male cheaters. Crime recidivism is directly related to age - 67% of inmates released before age 21 commit crimes again, but only 15% of those released after age 60 do so. Perhaps the "once a cheater, always a cheater" could be modified to reflect the fact that cheating for men is hormone (testosterone) driven and it will eventually level off as he ages.
Sep 27 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Practically Married and Completely Sexless—And Want It To Stay That Way.
Bi @17 - Your flip-side is what I meant. I agree with you that your relationship is likely more committed because you don't have to be in it for the sake of a third-party.

I don't understand the pressure to keep a bad relationship intact in the absence of shared kids. Interestingly, the stats say child-free marriages end up in divorce 50% more often than marriages with kids. I assumed it would be much higher when you consider the tremendous stress kids can put on a marriage.
Sep 27 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Practically Married and Completely Sexless—And Want It To Stay That Way.
End the relationship and do it before he has a vasectomy. No one age 50 needs to walk around in a jock strap with a frozen bag of peas stuck to their balls, if it's not going to lead to hot, bareback action.

For an open relationship to work, he has to be the one to offer it. For example, she tries to break it off by gently explaining that she doesn't want to resurrect their sexual relationship. He responds by making it clear he doesn't want to resurrect it either. She says she wants the potential to have sex again with someone else, and he freely and enthusiastically offers she can do that.

Then they can stay together for the next few months, until she finds someone and the butterflies start and she leaves him anyway.

At the risk of being a smug breeder, I have never understood the need to salvage child-free, platonic living arraignments.
Sep 21 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@92 - To give you the perspective of a long-married man: I feel similarly about my wife. I don't have an insatiable desire to fuck her, particularly, but I do have an overwhelming desire to have sex. My wife just happens to be my only (approved) sexual outlet. Of course, I still find her attractive, and I still love the sensation of sex and there is something unique about wife I still enjoy. But, like you, and I assume most long term marrieds, I often think of other people, scenarios, otters, you name it, while having sex.

I think the difference between me and wife (and perhaps you are in my wife's camp) is my desire is totally spontaneous - I want to have sex every day, I don't need something to rev my motor. My wife's desire is purely responsive, she needs something to respond to and her dear old familiar husband just isn't a mysterious quantity anymore. The odd part I just don't get - I am totally cool with her doing whatever it takes to get in the mood and over the top and it offends me zero if she is thinking about someone else. So why not just think of Ryan Gosling and get to fucking? Total win-win?

Sep 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@51 - you are my wife - not literally of course - and what you said is totally correct. The easier explanation here is that most women's desire peaks early and then gradually decreases over the relationship, while men's stays constant. Totally normal. A second vote to Dan refocusing his advice on ways to strengthen allegedly monogamous long term relationships.

@45 - I am as alpha as they come, my wife stays at home, we have a pure division of labor. You would not be jealous of my sex life, or of my male friends in the same boat (except those having affairs).

Although I tend to agree that, on average, a more traditional division of labor might see a minuscule uptick in sex quantity, you won't find many women who think this new equality is a raw deal for them. Put it this way: ask the average woman if she would prefer A) a man who does an equal share of dishes, food prep, cleaning, laundry and other domestic chores, or B) a man who does none of that but they have sex, on average, 1.5x more per month

May 14 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
Regarding having children:

It's somewhat like a hard graduate program - med school, law school, PhD studies. When you are in the thick of it, it is exhausting, tedious, draining, occasionally rewarding. When you look back on it, the sense of pride and accomplishment is indescribable.

In other words, the days are long, but the years are short.

But, absolutely, the world would be a better place if breeding was left to those who made a conscious, informed decision on breeding.
Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
@57 - of course, monogamy would be easier if I were banging the missus like a screen door in a hurricane. Although even back in the frequent sex days, there was always strong temptation. Easier, yes. Easy, no.

NoCute @68 covered what I would say if I had good organizational structure and could type more than 9 words per minute. I will add that I don't think its odd for one person to want a life milestone earlier than their partner, nor do I see it as a sign of settling or disconnect. Often, the question of who "wins" comes down to who it is more important to. In my situation, it wasn't that I didn't want to marry Mrs. Horton, but that it had never occurred to me it was something I wanted now. Like kids - it's important to you to do that before age 35? Ok, count me in.

I made the assumption RINGS was traditional-minded because she wanted the traditional engagement-marriage story. But I absolutely agree that she should want that because its what makes her boat float. Just as no one should live their life because its what society expects, neither should they deny themselves what they want because its conformist. For me, I would have felt emasculated if my wife proposed to me, if I was a stay-at-home dad, or couldn't skate backwards.

Chacon a son gout, as I learned in French class.
Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
@42 - no offense taken (I felt that coming as I was typing). In fairness, there is a lot about my marriage that is fantastic, of course. I don't think marriage is my "problem", so much as monogamy, which isn't just my problem, it affects many/most people in long-term monogamous marriages - Savage has built his success on highlighting the tension and, often, misery caused by the mixing and strict adherence of monogamy to marriage (as he writes from Ann Landers' desk).

Rest assured that if RINGS were asking Savage about the wisdom of including strict monogamy on her wedding vows, I would have told her a story about camels.

Apr 20 Tim Horton commented on Savage Love.
Hi RINGS - My advice as a former dragger of feet.....

Mrs. Horton and I were same demographic and ages that you were. Dating 4 years, approaching 30. Living together. Honestly, marriage never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured it was something I would do at some point, the same way kids entering college know they will, one day, have to get a job in the real world.

One day, Mrs. Horton told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to get married and have kids. And wanted that to be with me. But, if I didn't want that, either with her or with anyone, she needed to know so she could go out and find it. I am paraphrasing, of course.

It made me take an inventory of things, and a conscious decision to propose and get married. We have a cool engagement story.

I don't think you should propose. You describe yourself as a boring white girl, i.e. traditional, and there is nothing wrong with wanting things to be traditional. I think you would be resentful if you proposed, and would not be particularly proud to tell your story. Plus, you may have lingering doubt if marriage to you is what he really wanted, or he was just caught on the spot and said yes.

I think you should push this issue, with some type of similar, honest conversation about what you want out of life and a timeframe for it. I know several fantastic women, total catches, who ended up single and/or childless because they wasted their 20s and early 30s in a dead-end relationship with a man who never proposed. Of course, the ex-boyfriend was married with kids a year or two after the break-up. The singles dating market shifts dramatically when people hit their 30s. (Obvious disclaimer - there is nothing wrong with being single and childless if that is what you want. It actually sounds appealing to plenty of married with children folks, from time to time).