Crinoline
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Feb 24 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Dog's Life.
(With apologies to Woody Allen in Annie Hall.)

“It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a dog. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but last week his barking scared off a burglar. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because the burglars are worse.”
Feb 24 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
I'm not often shocked by anything I read on Savage Love, but SNAFU's letter did it for me. His boyfriend of 3 years is acting strange, is off his anti-depressant meds, withdrawn, sleeping too much, canceling social commitments, and this guy is considering breaking up with him because he's been googling about meth? Ever heard of compassion? Or commitment? Or just being a kind human being? I understand that being in a relationship with a depressed person or even an addicted person takes a special sort of devotion, but wanting to walk out because you think there might be a problem- make that a different problem than the one you're aware of-- I'm flabbergasted.

I don't know why Boyfriend was googling meth, but it doesn't take much imagination to think of benign explanations from meeting someone who was into it or thinking it might work for his depression to having an idea for a novel. What I can't fathom is SNAFU connecting dots in that particular way. Unless ... Maybe SNAFU just wants to leave because the going has gotten tough? I do understand considering leaving when the relationship has gotten to the point where the depression is so bad that it's harming everyone and the person staying isn't helping the main sufferer. But maybe consider making a phone call first? Doing something to help? Not just "I don't want to date an addict" so I'm outta here.
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Feb 24 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Dog's Life.
24-DonnyK-- I could find nothing about Castro's captives going out in public and then returning to their captor of their own free will. Could you cite your sources for me?
Feb 24 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Will My Sexts Come Back to Haunt Me?.
How much fun is taking nude pictures of oneself and others? How much is it worth to you?

Having sex as a teenager I understand. That's fun, hot, a learning experience, all the good things. (Or it should be, or has the potential to be, or is something you don't want to miss out on if that's where your sex drive takes you.) I wouldn't counsel a young person to give up on sex because there might be repercussions down the line. The benefit is too great.

I'm not sure the same risk:benefit analysis applies to naked pictures. Is taking them and having them on someone else's phone really that much fun that it's worth it even for a very small risk? I'd say no, but I'm an old fogie who wouldn't know.
Feb 10 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
12-Nocute-- I think the fact that the bully is a trans woman is significant in that SUB initially comforted her when she started to cry. If the bully had been a cis-fundamentalist crying because every time she saw her friend she knew he was going to spend eternity suffering in hell, it would have been easier to laugh it off in the first place, not days later. I think there's this tendency to see everyone who's LGBTQK (questioning, kinky) as an ally, and bullies know that it's easier (and more effective) if you break down your target's defenses by posing as an ally first. SUB wouldn't be the first person to be taken by surprise in this way.

Having said that, I don't think that's what SUB's trans friend was doing. I think she was stirring up drama, not starting out seeking to bully. I wish I could say I'd never sought a closer relationship by trying a dramatic ploy when I was in those tender early college years.

Now it's time to bring out the old joke about the lady who calls the police because she's shocked SHOCKED by the shenanigans going on in the neighbor's house across the way. The police officer peers out the window and admits that he can't see a thing; the neighbor's house is all the way across a large cornfield. The woman says "Well! That's because you're not using these binoculars!"
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Feb 8 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tall Order.
It occurs to me that it's not at all unusual for a mentally ill person to think "I need x" when it's abundantly obvious to the therapist and everyone else that the problem isn't an inability to find x, it's that y, z, and a lot more besides are actually needed. That's what makes psychotherapy (good psychotherapy anyway) complex. You have to start with goals, whether they're achievable, whether they're really what's wanted or needed, what's the best way to get them, and a million other complicating factors.

I've read over the letter and the comments and do want to make something clear to the LW if she's reading this: I do care about her and want what's good for her even if we disagree about what that is. A lot of what's here sounds harsh, but I'd say that on the whole, we're a loving and accepting bunch.
Feb 6 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tall Order.
Anyone have any idea what "equivalent from a psychological perspective" means? I'm tempted to write it off as something that someone with even worse problems to think about said, but it occurs to me that it wouldn't be the first time I was clueless about the jargon used by younger people. I thought I'd ask. There are other things I don't understand in the letter, but I thought I'd start there.

Needing help with make-up and panic attacks I understand, though I'm puzzled as to why wearing make-up is such a necessity. I also understand, sort of, the need for oxytocin, but I wonder if LW understands that it's more of a cuddle thing than a sexual one. For the feel-good chemicals that are released with sex, a self-induced orgasm is more the way to go.

It's almost like the LW has bought into the knight-on-the-big-white-horse myth, that guy who will swoop in and rescue the dear damsel(s), without quite understanding how it works. It's I-want-to-fall-in-love, but I don't want to risk this beautiful friendship-- with a twist.

Oh hell, here's one more question. Function as a unit? I mean, I'm better at remembering names, and my boyfriend is better at finding addresses, so we complement each other in that regard, but I don't think that's what LW means when she says we're codependent. Does she understand that codependence is normally considered a bad thing in which individuals enable each other in ways that are bad for them?
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Feb 6 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tall Order.
First thought: Masturbate.
2nd thought: Therapy.
3rd thought: Chow chow. They're aloof but loyal, independent enough, furry all the time and cuddly much of the time.
But if she's really stuck on finding a human, why not pick up someone to fuck in a bar? Lots of guys will do that NSA. They'll even do it repeatedly, and if there's someone else around in the house watching or listening, saying hello and having coffee after, I don't see the problem.
Feb 4 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Introvert Dumps Extravert.
To me, the operative word here is "late 20s". When we're in our teens and early 20s, if the least little thing is wrong, it makes sense to keep looking. There's someone better out there and all relationships are learning experiences. When we're in our late 30s, 40s and beyond, it makes sense to compare the not-perfect relationship you have to loneliness you've experienced and choose on the basis of that. Earlier we're comparing what we have to what we might get. Later, we pretty much know what we have the chances of finding. I'm starting to see late 20s to mid 30s as that time when we make the transition from one to the other. It's when we learn to settle.

LW signs off as Tired Of Being Single. That tells me that he's tired of being single. I wish he hadn't used the introvert/extrovert labels and had instead spoken in terms of behaviors and preferences. TOBS likes more quiet evenings at home filled with sex, one-on-one time and less people, noise and light. His boyfriend likes more nights out filled with people and stimulation. It does sound like they could come to a compromise, even a deal. I'll go to this party and make the best of it you'll watch Downton Abbey with me and pretend you're not suffering through it.

And 15-Nohighway-- This letter does pass the switch the sexes and orientations test. A woman complaining those particular behaviors in a man, the ones you're pronouncing "boorish," would get the same advice.
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Feb 2 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Crying Game.
63-- In English it's not weird to say "I have a 7 year old, a 5 year old, and a 9 month old at home (if those are indeed the ages of your children).