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Aug 21 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
NITC's dilemma comes down to whether his question is about coming out or privacy. Coming out about one's orientation is generally (with exceptions) considered a good idea, the whole not living a lie thing. He signs himself Not In The Closet which gives us a good idea of how he sees it.

But going into detail about one's specific sexual practices is generally considered a bad idea. I'm fine with knowing that someone is gay, straight, in a relationship or not. I don't generally want to know what their masturbatory fantasies are, what sort of porn they watch, what toys they use, and what positions they prefer. That's too much information for me to know about anyone I'm not actively interested in having sex with and certainly too much information for one's parents. I'm going to guess that Mrs. NITC sees the question in this light when she says that she doesn't want to tell her mother the truth.
Aug 20 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
43- Ms. Cummins-- If Mrs. NITC fears confrontation, how will telling her mother that the sex toys she found are hers help her avoid it? Seems the white lie opens her up to far more intrusiveness and the need to make up more lies. Can't you just picture the M-I-L all concerned asking her daughter "but why do you use butt plug for?"

My method is the ultimate in confrontation avoidance. In it, Mrs. NITC makes one prepared speech or just sits there while he makes it. Then, forever after, every time the uncomfortable subject comes up, all she has to do is say "I'm leaving now." Nothing says avoidance like a half finished dinner left on your plate.

Telling her mother that her husband is "irrationally" afraid of snooping will only serve to convince Snoop that he's alienating his wife from her supportive family and intends to start beating her next.

Couples counseling? I suppose it's possible, but isn't it more likely that the counselor would take the Snoop's side and start questioning what sort of marriage includes regular 3rd men staying over? I'll grant that adults sometimes could use some help navigating boundaryless parents, but it sounds to me like Mrs. NITC can get the help she needs from her husband.
Aug 20 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
Or put it another way, NICT. If you tell your M-I-L the truth, you're directly rewarding her for snooping. She wanted information so you give her more. If you want her to stop snooping, you're going to have to make it clear to her that she does not get what she wants that way.
Aug 20 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
Oh, Dan. Yes it's true that too many parents use money as a last ditch effort to control their children's sexuality. And yes, children have to get to the point where they're not dependent on either their parents' money or their approval, but in NICT's case, everyone is skipping 10 steps ahead. There's no point in guessing that M-I-L might disown someone if she discovers the threesome. Disowning and discovery are still 2 very big ifs that aren't necessarily down the line.

This isn't a matter of coming out to one's parents. This is a matter of the private business of how these two conduct their marriage.

Dan's advice should have run like this, and if NICT is reading this, I hope he and his wife will pay attention.

He and his wife should present a united front and tell M-I-L: You shouldn't have been snooping. Going through our personal things while a guest in our home is a huge violation of trust. I hope you understand that. If we can't trust you, we can't invite you over, can't allow you a place in our (future) children's lives, can't have much more than a distant polite relationship with you. Frankly I think it's a little sick that you would even be curious about the intimate details of your daughter's marriage and sex life, but even if you disagree on that point, you owe us an apology and the sincere promise that you will never violate our trust again. If you can grant us that, we will never bring up this subject again and hope you will do the same. You've likely misinterpreted everything you've found, but don't count on us to set the record straight because it's none of your business. So stop speculating, and concentrate on how wrong you were to be looking in places you shouldn't have been looking.

Then shut up. If she starts to speak or protest, ask her if this is the apology and sincere promise not to snoop again. If it's not, tell her that you're very sorry to hear that, and end the visit, phone call, text, or whatever. Tell her she's allowed to try again later, but for right now, you're leaving. She'll probably try all sorts of tactics like apologizing, THEN telling you what she thinks of what (she surmises) you're doing or telling you that you need counseling or prayer or maybe involving a pastor to harass you about counseling or prayer or sin. In each case, and you should be ready for them, you should repeat the speech about snooping and cut the visit short.

Oh, and don't put yourself in positions where it would be hard to cut the visit short. Don't get into her car such that it would be hard to get out and hail a cab if you need to. Don't go away with her on a long or expensive weekend trip. You need to plan exit strategies.
Aug 13 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
8-9 LavaGirl and Libya--

Pueraria Mirifica contains phytoestrogens, compounds in plants that are similar to estradiol and have a similar effect in the body. There's no reason to think that the phytoestrogens are any better than prescribed estrogen for preventing dryness. If a doctor has a reason to believe you shouldn't be on hormone replacement, finding a "natural" substitute will have the same dangers. If there is no reason not to be on hormone replacement, it makes sense to take a form of estrogen as close chemically to the one formerly made in the ovaries, not something that's close, almost the same. Not that there's something magic about a "natural" plant source, but if you are looking for something that's all natural, the stuff available with a prescription is closer to the real deal of what's natural for your body.
Aug 7 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
I've reread DOMME's letter and see something else in it. Most of us stopped at what an asshole her husband is and gave advice on how to get out of that relationship. The part I didn't pay attention to before is her uncertainty about what sort of relationship she wants if/when she gets out of the one with her husband. I jumped to the conclusion that she'd want a marriage relationship with a better guy, one who's not belittling rapey, but DOMME is like a teenager who's just discovering what's out there and thinking about her choices.

She's intrigued by these new "online friends." She's intrigued by the things they suggest. I'm not sure, and I would guess that she's not sure, if there's something particular about D/s nature of the proposed adventures or if her imagination has been captured by the first non-rut-with-asshole-husband sex she's come across.

With that in mind, I'm going to stand by my previous advice in 27 and add what I'd tell a teenager: Look at erotic literature and maybe some porn, and let your imagination fly. Fantasize. Explore your likes and dislikes in your mind where you have some control and aren't distracted by the wants and needs of the other person at first.

Consider if you want to go the meet someone for sex route or the conventional date with an eye for long term relationship route. Then proceed cautiously either way.
Aug 6 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
57 Philophile-- Good point and one I was trying to get around to. You said it better.

We have some idea of "old fashioned" ideas about women working for money outside of the home because we have tax returns and statistics for that. We know that laws defining rape included "other than his wife". We have court files on other old fashioned ideas concerning divorce and statistics on who got custody of the kids.

We DON'T know what went on in the bedrooms of happily married folks because it wasn't written down or talked about publicly. I like to believe (possibly because I'm stupidly polyannaish) that there were a lot of men out there who took their wife's satisfaction seriously and didn't rape her and would have been dreadfully hurt at the idea that the wife wasn't happy sexually.
Aug 6 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
36- nocute-- We're at the end of what we can assume or guess about Mr. Domme since we have only the original letter to go on, but let me address the idea that a traditionally minded man wouldn't want to sue for full custody.

It's common for evil men who don't want the kids to sue for custody because it's one more way for evil men to wield power. The logic is this. She wants the kids and a fair amount of child support along with them. He wants to punish her any way he can. So he sues for custody with the idea that she'll give up money in return for the kids. If his strategy works, he gets to walk away scotfree. She gets the kids and is penniless. He has his money and earning power, no responsibilities, and the freedom to find another young victim. If she calls his bluff, he gets the kids whom he's free to ignore or abuse knowing that their welfare matters a lot more to her than it does to him. When you're dealing with that level of evil (and again, we don't know if Mr. Domme is at that level with the information we have), there aren't a lot of good alternatives.
Aug 6 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
DOMME-- Hoo boy, where to start?

First off, friends are concerned with your pleasure. It could be as simple as visiting at a friend's house and her asking if you'd like the air conditioning on or if you like sugar in your coffee. It's called being considerate and a friend and caring about someone else's comfort and pleasure. Friends talk to each other about what's important to them and do so without fear of being shot down or ridiculed.

What your husband is doing is not being a friend. It's certainly not being a "best" friend. (Or if it is, I tremble to think what your other friends are like.) What he's doing is a whole lot worse than not being a friend. If no one else has spelled this out to you, your husband is being a flat out rotten, self-serving jerk. I wish I had more creative insulting names for him.

That said, only you can decide if the good parts of your marriage outweigh the bad. You say that he's helped you achieve your goals and that you have children together. Maybe, MAYBE, you want to stay with this asshole for that reason. Maybe there are significant economic reasons to stay with him. Maybe you value the institution of marriage that much.

So I'm going to veer away from Dan's advice and suggest that you see a lawyer first about protecting your financial interests, then tell your husband that you're unhappy and would like to see a marriage counselor with him. He'll probably object. (After all, he's happy with the way things are going. He gets to be an asshole and know you'll put up with him.) You insist that he see the counselor. Play around with the illusion that you're improving your communication and compromise skills. Know that you've tried everything you can. THEN file for divorce.

Other things you might not know: Most of the straight men I know LOVE giving oral. They love it because it's wonderful wonderful hot knowing they're getting their partners so turned on. It's great feeling her writhe with pleasure. It's simply a great thing to do. It has nothing to do with submissiveness. If anything, giving pleasure is a powerful thing to do.

I have met the occasional man who prefers clean pussy. For them I've had no problem with showering first. I don't consider it any big deal, just normal washing with soap and water, no unusual scrubbing or anything like that. I take for granted that my sexual partners will be basically clean when they approach me. It seems like the same thing. If a man gave me orders like your husband has given you, I'd think he thought there was something disgusting about me and would have no desire to have sex with anyone who thought I was disgusting-- for his sake as well as mine.

Further, because it seems like you need basic information, there's nothing wrong with preferring one position over another, but there's something decidedly weird about losing an erection when a woman initiates. There's something weird and horrible about coming up with the "feeling attacked" excuse. If he feels attacked when you initiate or are on the bottom, why on earth doesn't he expect you to feel attacked for the same? Unless ... oh, right, he's attacking you.

If you were 20 when you married, I'm guessing you've had little experience with considerate men-- that's sexually or even on a date. Now that you're 48, whether you divorce before or after checking out those other guys, you're going to need information about basic safety including STDs and one night stands. That's for another post. For now, good luck. You deserve better.
Jul 16 Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
I see 2 entirely different issues in NHG's letter. It's natural for everyone to focus on being jealous of the dog, but the question is: Is it worth it to waste my time and energy waiting for him to start treating me better?

To answer that, I'd have to know what he's doing now that's so awful. If he's beating you up, then no, waiting won't help. If he's hanging around the house all day while you support him and do all the housework, then no, I can't imagine he'll wake up one day and begin pulling his own weight. But if his crimes are those of not knowing you very well or maybe not being attentive to things you'd like but haven't communicated well, then sure the relationship can improve with time.

Now about that dog. People who are great with dogs tend to do a lot for them without asking their opinions on pretty much anything. They tend to shower empty compliments on the dog (ooh, what darling cute furry ears!) without ever getting stimulating intellectual conversation in return. They tend to exercise with their dogs in ways in which the human calls the shots. (Human throws the ball. Dog brings it back. Human runs for a mile. Dog runs along side.) The human decides when to come home; the dog is happy to see him whenever that is. A good physical relationship with a dog involves the human doing the petting while the dog does the panting. Images of the reverse of this are too off-putting to relate.

Is this really what you want? I've been reading this column for too long ever to make fun of people's sexual and relationship preferences, so maybe it is, and if that's the case, your desire to be treated like a dog needs exploration.


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