May 18
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
What about the guys? Isn't it unfair in general to pretend to be something you're not for the purpose of getting attention? Presumably, having gotten that attention, the DSGs do a quick turn-around and leave the guys hanging. Sounds despicable to me. That's where the tease comes in, not to the girls who are getting kissed, not to the lesbians who object on principle, it's to the guys watching.
May 17
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
Avast-- Yes, yes, and yes. I haven't been an active participant this week and am glad you've gotten around to saying what I've been thinking. Accidentally getting a guy's attention is one issue. Making out with a lady for the purpose of getting his attention is another. I'm glad the lesbians of the LW's acquaintance call her on her shit.
May 8
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
Let's say TSTQ's husband is lazy or evil. The best thing to do would be to protect herself financially and take the steps necessary to get out of the marriage.
Let's say TSTQ's husband is depressed or otherwise mentally ill. The best way to help him get the treatment he needs is to give him a wake up call by protecting herself financially and taking the steps necessary to get out of the marriage.
Let's say that taking those steps does wonders for TSTQ's husband either by making him see that he won't have TSTQ to support him while he plays video games and watches porn or by getting him into a treatment that works for his mental illness. Let's say TSTQ's husband does a turn around and goes back to being the hardworking happy cosmically connected man she thought she was marrying. Great! Let's say that doesn't happen. Then at least she's out of the marriage.
In fact, this logic might be what TSTQ needs to hear in order to help her feel good about divorcing her husband. It's natural to have misgivings about giving up on the marriage so soon. It feels like failure, and it feels like she's doing something bad to someone she still loves. But TSTQ, look at it like this. Divorcing your husband the best thing you could do for him. It's not a selfish act with our own self interest in mind. It's a selfless act, something you do for him. You divorce, and he gets his act together one way or the other. Win/win. Go for it.
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Let's say TSTQ's husband is lazy or evil. The best thing to do would be to protect herself financially and take the steps necessary to get out of the marriage.
Let's say TSTQ's husband is depressed or otherwise mentally ill. The best way to help him get the treatment he needs is to give him a wake up call by protecting herself financially and taking the steps necessary to get out of the marriage.
Let's say that taking those steps does wonders for TSTQ's husband either by making him see that he won't have TSTQ to support him while he plays video games and watches porn or by getting him into a treatment that works for his mental illness. Let's say TSTQ's husband does a turn around and goes back to being the hardworking happy cosmically connected man she thought she was marrying. Great! Let's say that doesn't happen. Then at least she's out of the marriage.
In fact, this logic might be what TSTQ needs to hear in order to help her feel good about divorcing her husband. It's natural to have misgivings about giving up on the marriage so soon. It feels like failure, and it feels like she's doing something bad to someone she still loves. But TSTQ, look at it like this. Divorcing your husband the best thing you could do for him. It's not a selfish act with our own self interest in mind. It's a selfless act, something you do for him. You divorce, and he gets his act together one way or the other. Win/win. Go for it.
May 8
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
My objection to Dear Abby and Dr. Phil type advice givers was never that they were too puritanical. It's that the questions were too easy. There was never any grey area so there was never a need for nuance or insight. Any idiot could give the advice they gave, no degree or experience needed. That's what we've got with TSTQ, and that's why I'm disgruntled with Dan on this one. Of course she needs to get out of that marriage! Any 8th grader could tell her that. Same for the letter writer's grandmother. It's too obvious.
Want insight and nuance? Well, the folks who are bringing up possibilities of depression or other mental illness are right, but that's obvious too.
I'd be more interested in a real quandary like if the husband's injury kept him in a wheelchair so he couldn't work or if he was keeping house but not making much money, something so we'd have to weigh pros and cons, loyalty against self preservation. (If we really think that depression and alcoholism are diseases that affect the brain as opposed to any other part of the body, why does it feel so skunky if a new wife abandons a husband who's come down with M.S. or cancer but not with a mental illness?)
I'd also point out that waiting a year or two instead of marrying after a good whirlwind few months is no guarantee. Marriages after a short acquaintance can work out beautifully and marriages after a long one can still fail. I'd be interested in comparative statistics.
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Want insight and nuance? Well, the folks who are bringing up possibilities of depression or other mental illness are right, but that's obvious too.
I'd be more interested in a real quandary like if the husband's injury kept him in a wheelchair so he couldn't work or if he was keeping house but not making much money, something so we'd have to weigh pros and cons, loyalty against self preservation. (If we really think that depression and alcoholism are diseases that affect the brain as opposed to any other part of the body, why does it feel so skunky if a new wife abandons a husband who's come down with M.S. or cancer but not with a mental illness?)
I'd also point out that waiting a year or two instead of marrying after a good whirlwind few months is no guarantee. Marriages after a short acquaintance can work out beautifully and marriages after a long one can still fail. I'd be interested in comparative statistics.
May 2
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
69 and the rest of the WIFE discussion-- Go back to the original letter. "Not long ago we decided that a monogamish arrangement appealed to us both." This is not a letter about a woman at home wanting to cheat on her husband. If it were, the direction this whole discussion is taking would make sense. For that matter, I'd be in the strange position of agreeing with 40-kalakala.
This is a letter about a confused woman who says one thing at the beginning of her letter and something else at the end of it. She starts with how strong their marriage is and how they both like the idea of monogamish. She ends with how she wants to have sex with other people but is jealous of her husband doing the same. She's wants to figure out a way to answer to both, but I don't think either I, nor anyone here, nor Dan can give her that answer. She's asking for the impossible.
This is a letter about a confused woman who says one thing at the beginning of her letter and something else at the end of it. She starts with how strong their marriage is and how they both like the idea of monogamish. She ends with how she wants to have sex with other people but is jealous of her husband doing the same. She's wants to figure out a way to answer to both, but I don't think either I, nor anyone here, nor Dan can give her that answer. She's asking for the impossible.
May 1
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
I've been waiting for someone else to start the conversation about ITHMGS, but it looks like I'll have to do it. In my experience, men don't mind being passed around as sexual partners, but it makes sense, all the same, to ask. In my experience, women do mind being recommended as sexual partners, so ask. It's easy for ITHMGS to say that her female friend needs to get laid, but divorces are tricky things. This friend's needs may be changing by the minute. Also, consider that if the divorce becomes the least bit contentious, it won't help matters in court if it turns up that she's been sleeping around before the divorce is final.
I'd also consider the male friend's wife. It's obvious that ITHMGS doesn't mind having sex with him while he's married. It's obvious that he doesn't mind having sex outside of the marriage. That MAY be fine with the wife, but it's not mentioned.
Or how about this scenario? ITHMGS puts her friends together. They hit it off and now the male friend doesn't have time for her any more or wants to become exclusive with the new lady?
Bottom line is that any sort of matchmaking is a dangerous proposition, and the situation given seems particularly fraught with disastrous possibilities.
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I'd also consider the male friend's wife. It's obvious that ITHMGS doesn't mind having sex with him while he's married. It's obvious that he doesn't mind having sex outside of the marriage. That MAY be fine with the wife, but it's not mentioned.
Or how about this scenario? ITHMGS puts her friends together. They hit it off and now the male friend doesn't have time for her any more or wants to become exclusive with the new lady?
Bottom line is that any sort of matchmaking is a dangerous proposition, and the situation given seems particularly fraught with disastrous possibilities.
May 1
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
24-- I don't think you're misreading my post. We may disagree on what's creepy. The way I look at it, if the choice is:
1. Do the right thing for the right reasons
2. Do the right thing for the wrong reasons
Then definitely my preference is for 1, doing it for the right reasons.
But HIM doesn't sound like that's a real choice for him. For him, it sounds more like a choice between:
1. Do the right thing for the wrong reasons.
2. Do the wrong thing.
If that's it, if I'm right on that, then I rather like telling him to get his act together in whatever way possible for whatever reason will work.
I don't care for the pile-on session. That's not because I think HIM doesn't deserve it. It's because I've noticed that people are more likely to do what you advise them to do when they don't feel like you hate them.
None of that concerns me as much as this business about 7 continents. How on earth are Europe and Asia separate continents? Look at a map. And Australia hardly qualifies. It's not that much bigger than Greenland.
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1. Do the right thing for the right reasons
2. Do the right thing for the wrong reasons
Then definitely my preference is for 1, doing it for the right reasons.
But HIM doesn't sound like that's a real choice for him. For him, it sounds more like a choice between:
1. Do the right thing for the wrong reasons.
2. Do the wrong thing.
If that's it, if I'm right on that, then I rather like telling him to get his act together in whatever way possible for whatever reason will work.
I don't care for the pile-on session. That's not because I think HIM doesn't deserve it. It's because I've noticed that people are more likely to do what you advise them to do when they don't feel like you hate them.
None of that concerns me as much as this business about 7 continents. How on earth are Europe and Asia separate continents? Look at a map. And Australia hardly qualifies. It's not that much bigger than Greenland.
May 1
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
As much as I agree with Dan and the commenters that HIM is being a prick, I can't help feeling some sympathy for him. Don't ask me why. I'm sure it's some flaw in me that I so readily identify with the young, the stupid, and the confused. I remember so well wanting to hang on to some part of the relationship that was keeping me from moving on. I remember how hard it was to come to terms with good enough relationships when my adolescent dreams were of fantastic ones. With that in mind, while we all know Dan's advice to HIM to move on is good, I'd like to offer some details to make it easier-- or even possible.
Imagine, for the time being, that your efforts to find someone else are for the purpose of being able to tell your ex that you're seeing someone when you run into her casually. Pour yourself into being the best man you can be with everyone you date. Be every positive quality. Be exactly the right mix of attentive, caring, great in bed, warm, kind, sensitive, and do it all while having the backbone necessary to make it all work. Also do well in school, become self-supporting, move out of your parents' house or sphere of control. Do well in your chosen profession or become an adventurer. Do fun, interesting things. Think of how your ex will eat her heart out when she realizes what she gave up.
At the same time, don't run into her casually. Think of it as playing hard to get. If you feel compelled to keep her as a facebook friend, post happy birthday to her timeline on her birthday but direct no other comments her way. Wait until the Christmas after next, then send her a store bought Christmas card. Send those same cards to everyone you know.
If you do run into her casually, ask about what she's up to in the same tone of voice you'd ask a new acquaintance. Chat briefly, wish her well, and continue on your way.
Your 10th highschool reunion will be in 5 years. Look forward to going, then decide if you can make it based on your schedule or whether you still live in the same city where it's being held. (I can't tell you the satisfaction it gave me to be able to greet my highschool boyfriend as a warmly remembered friend when everyone else thought he was a jerk. It was a perfect fuck-you moment.)
More...
Imagine, for the time being, that your efforts to find someone else are for the purpose of being able to tell your ex that you're seeing someone when you run into her casually. Pour yourself into being the best man you can be with everyone you date. Be every positive quality. Be exactly the right mix of attentive, caring, great in bed, warm, kind, sensitive, and do it all while having the backbone necessary to make it all work. Also do well in school, become self-supporting, move out of your parents' house or sphere of control. Do well in your chosen profession or become an adventurer. Do fun, interesting things. Think of how your ex will eat her heart out when she realizes what she gave up.
At the same time, don't run into her casually. Think of it as playing hard to get. If you feel compelled to keep her as a facebook friend, post happy birthday to her timeline on her birthday but direct no other comments her way. Wait until the Christmas after next, then send her a store bought Christmas card. Send those same cards to everyone you know.
If you do run into her casually, ask about what she's up to in the same tone of voice you'd ask a new acquaintance. Chat briefly, wish her well, and continue on your way.
Your 10th highschool reunion will be in 5 years. Look forward to going, then decide if you can make it based on your schedule or whether you still live in the same city where it's being held. (I can't tell you the satisfaction it gave me to be able to greet my highschool boyfriend as a warmly remembered friend when everyone else thought he was a jerk. It was a perfect fuck-you moment.)
Apr 30
Crinoline commented on Savage Love.
137-- I think it more likely that it's not the pressure of a full bladder on the clitoris that gets you turned on but the engagement of the kegel muscles used to hold in urine that do it. No matter, the result is the same.
It's good advice in general to take a break from holding one position too long to stretch or walk. It's good for the heart, good for the circulation, good for muscles that can get tight. But I'm not sure it matters if the break is getting up to walk around the house, getting up to walk to the bathroom to pee, or getting up to masturbate. As long as the break doesn't take long, they should all have the "negative effect on productivity." The only thing to be done is to schedule in time for breaks.
Speaking of which, Jon Stewart got a laugh from "procrasturbation" last night. I wonder if his writers got it from this column.
It's good advice in general to take a break from holding one position too long to stretch or walk. It's good for the heart, good for the circulation, good for muscles that can get tight. But I'm not sure it matters if the break is getting up to walk around the house, getting up to walk to the bathroom to pee, or getting up to masturbate. As long as the break doesn't take long, they should all have the "negative effect on productivity." The only thing to be done is to schedule in time for breaks.
Speaking of which, Jon Stewart got a laugh from "procrasturbation" last night. I wonder if his writers got it from this column.
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