Mar 26
ravished commented on Savage Love.
@21: I hear you (and ANT too), it's not like a sub can't wield the cane or tie some knots, but the dom energy is another matter; I find it hard too. I've also tried focusing on the rhythm of delivering the sensation; it gives my mind something to hang on to in an otherwise fish-out-of-water situation.
Mar 26
ravished commented on Savage Love.
ANT could maybe try a mental trick - the boyfriend as a Dom orders her to dom him. So she doms as a sub ... if that makes sense? Sort of like an alpha but not involving another in this case.
Mar 24
ravished commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Husband Single On Grindr.
@94: "They are, in fact, the commonly held, across the political spectrum, shared understanding of marriage, held by the overwhelming majority of people, both straight and gay alike, as recently as 15 or 20 years ago and for centuries before that."
Oh god, you really sound like another arrogant American who thinks New Zealand is Iraq on the map.
Oh god, you really sound like another arrogant American who thinks New Zealand is Iraq on the map.
Mar 22
ravished commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Husband Single On Grindr.
@82: lol ok, let me rephrase; I was thinking more along the lines of how people chase after the "ideal" marriage - ok, aside from the religious crap, people are still seduced by what that genius bastard Shakespeare called "the marriage of true minds". People forget there are also George and Martha (or Jimmy and Alison if British theatre is a more familiar reference; or else if theatre is not on the radar at all, I'm referring to Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf and Look Back in Anger). The beauty - the awful beauty - of people sticking to each other is not in whether you communicate healthily or set the rules sanely. These things help, but sometimes they're irrelevant. It's like eating healthy to prevent cancer - it works for many people, but for too many it's just a matter of genetic predisposition, that's what life's given you, you just ride it. Even the most celebrated romance of not just western culture but all over the world, concerns the impulsive, immature, violent passion of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm trying to say that in reading advice columns we tend to think of standardizing things to some kind of healthy norm, to find a kind of silver bullet for killing the beast of unhappiness, to designate these are the motherfucking cunts (stay away) and these are the innocent victims (get wise and choose better next time). But it's more likely we're all monsters just trying to find the other monsters whom we can live with. So, no, not all men are pigs, but we're all fucked up in some way, but it doesn't preclude any of us from love.
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I'm trying to say that in reading advice columns we tend to think of standardizing things to some kind of healthy norm, to find a kind of silver bullet for killing the beast of unhappiness, to designate these are the motherfucking cunts (stay away) and these are the innocent victims (get wise and choose better next time). But it's more likely we're all monsters just trying to find the other monsters whom we can live with. So, no, not all men are pigs, but we're all fucked up in some way, but it doesn't preclude any of us from love.
Mar 22
ravished commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Husband Single On Grindr.
"And I'm true to you darlin' in my fashion /
Yes I'm true to you darlin' in my way"
Yes I know relationship advice works on likelihood ... but CPOS-ness, crappiness at communication, douchebagginess don't always mean the marriage won't last. Something about the LW makes me think he might be a resilient type and will stick by his husband. He seems like someone who could see through the fallibility of a human being and be able to forgive it and even love it.
I dunno, just a hunch, and my hunches are often wrong ...
Men ARE pigs, and I think there's something beautiful about gay men who knows their husbands to be pigs (because they know themselves to be so), and still be willing to stick with someone. In that way I don't think gay marriage is totally the same as OSM, and can even give back something to the world at large. Oy hope I haven't stepped on any toes, just my tipsy rambling.
Yes I'm true to you darlin' in my way"
Yes I know relationship advice works on likelihood ... but CPOS-ness, crappiness at communication, douchebagginess don't always mean the marriage won't last. Something about the LW makes me think he might be a resilient type and will stick by his husband. He seems like someone who could see through the fallibility of a human being and be able to forgive it and even love it.
I dunno, just a hunch, and my hunches are often wrong ...
Men ARE pigs, and I think there's something beautiful about gay men who knows their husbands to be pigs (because they know themselves to be so), and still be willing to stick with someone. In that way I don't think gay marriage is totally the same as OSM, and can even give back something to the world at large. Oy hope I haven't stepped on any toes, just my tipsy rambling.
Mar 21
ravished commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Husband Single On Grindr.
Obviously some befuddlement happening here between the idea of "open" vs "poly" vs "monogamish" vs "cheating" ... I was going to suggest someone write up a Savage Dictionary, but maybe people would learn more by slogging through the archive instead.
"Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do."
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
"Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do."
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Mar 19
ravished commented on Savage Love.
Wow, I got quite depressed reading this. Despite the deft humour and acerbic grace with which you negotiated the minefield in your writing, Dan. It's a fresh wound every time I remember that I have all these arbitrary tags attached to me through other people's eyes. The feeling of losing control. No wonder I was such an emotional mess in the first few years of coming out (while burying myself in gender/sexuality discourse too, hence acutely knowing, as well as feeling, that I don't have the control I'd like over my identity - also no wonder I'm trying to forget much of what I learnt in college).
Mar 6
ravished commented on William Saletan Sends Slate Readers to a Picture of a Cock Stuck Full of Needles.
The prettiest needle pic I've seen! Usually doesn't turn me on but that looks like good handiwork ...
Nov 6, 2012
ravished commented on Savage Love.
Yeah, leaving the church was not only about the gay thing. For me, it was the race thing and the misogyny thing and the emotional coercion thing and the anti-science thing ... As time went by, I had the emotional distance to reflect on all the ideas I took in during the church years, and it became ever clearer to me how toxic it all was. So, no, while gay men, like other kinds of men, have one-track minds, we're not single-issue.
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