alguna_rubia
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1:30 AM alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: We Will Never Get Closure On CLOSURE.
@eastcoastygirl: I don't think you understand the point of breaking up with someone. When you're in a relationship, you are at least partially responsible for the other person's feelings. It is your job to try to make their joys greater and their sorrows less. There is something about helping someone to be their best self in there. You break up with someone when you don't WANT to do those things for them anymore. There may be other reasons to break up with someone, but one of the great things about dumping someone is the sweet relief of not being at all responsible for their well-being anymore. That includes any self-improvement they may want to undertake. It's not just about being able to "handle" the truth or not handle it. It's about the fact that if I were this woman, I would be so over having conversations with him of any kind, let alone conversations that are solely for him and not for me. Sure, he would probably benefit from knowing that he's an argumentative pain in the a$$. But from her perspective, telling him seems like all risk and no reward at this point, since it can go one of three ways:

1) He insults her for telling him. (Highly unpleasant).
2) He says he'll change, can we get back together?
3) He thanks her for the assessment and takes it to heart.

That last one is way more likely if they start talking again once he's already over her. For example, if he's already in another relationship, starts to notice an old dynamic start up again, and decides to contact the ex to get her honest take.

Basically, I think you're still thinking of this way too much in the dumpee's perspective. Sure, if you were dumped, you might want to know why, but oddly enough, break-ups are not about the dumpee, they are about the dumper. The dumper decided that they no longer want a romantic connection with the dumpee, and if all they had was a romantic connection, they don't owe them anything.
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Nov 30 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: We Will Never Get Closure On CLOSURE.
@eastcoastygirl: I don't think "it doesn't feel right" is an immature answer if it's given to the person you're dumping. It's code for "This relationship looks good on paper, but there is something about it that I cannot stand that is not a deal-breaker for everyone but is a deal-breaker for me."
Nov 30 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope.
@LavaGirl: I just see this from the dumper's perspective and can't help but think that you have too much sympathy for people who are oblivious. Let's just say we take this guy's ex at her word, that "We aren't as close as we should be by now." I just don't see what kind of warning she could have given that would have been helpful. If she had said "Hey, shouldn't we be closer by now?" while they were still dating, and they'd had a whole discussion about it and he tried to do a whole bunch of make-us-closer activities to try to fix it, it's not like it would've worked. She still would probably have the feeling- it would've just given him anxiety before the end of the relationship and then pretty much the same grief afterward. If she was genuinely failing to communicate actual problems to him, sure, she should've done that. But this sounds like a case where there was nothing he could possibly have done to change her mind about it. By that time, it's better to just dump and move on. Any warning she could've given for that kind of reason would just have given him false hope that he could fix it.
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Nov 30 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope.
@LavaGirl: I get what you're saying, but at the same time, I imagine myself in her shoes and I would've done the same thing she did: told him that it wasn't working out kind of out of the blue. I would have maybe talked to him once or twice after that, but if it became clear that all he wanted was an explanation so he could argue me back into the relationship, I would tell him "Listen, I don't think our conversations are helping either of us; let's stop having them for a while." But I sure as heck wouldn't give him anything more solid as a reason than "I don't see us working out long term," because frankly, anything more concrete than that gives him an opportunity to argue with her. And there's nothing wrong with not giving someone your honest reasons for breaking up with them.
Aug 18 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Can I Book a Session With My Friend The Sex Worker?.
@Urgutha Forka: Sex work is like some other jobs, but it is not like any other job. I would say sex work is not like being a mechanic or a gardener. It is much, much more like being a doctor or a massage therapist or someone else who works directly with naked bodies. I think a lot of doctors avoid having friends as patients for pretty similar reasons that a sex worker would not want to have a friend as a client. For example, it would not be weird to hire your brother-in-law to work on your car or mow your lawn, but it would definitely be weird to have your brother-in-law as the person who does your pap smear or your breast exam. People whose work involves nudity have a very different kind of work than the vast majority of service providers, and stuff that would be normal in professions that don't involve body work is very weird in those professions that do.
Aug 18 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Punting.
I don't know if this is a DTMFA situation, but it might be. On the one hand, Urgutha Forka is right: he might think of this rule as arbitrary and her anger at him strange, because he doesn't really understand what the difference is for her between abstractly knowing that your partner might be fucking someone else while you're gone and being presented with evidence that your partner cancelled plans in order to fuck someone else. Frankly, I'm not entirely sure which one is upsetting her more: the fact that he was throwing evidence of fucking someone else in her face, or the fact that he cancelled plans with her to spend time with someone else. Either one is totally legit, but if we can't tell from this long letter, I think maybe she hasn't communicated with him well enough which thing is the red line for her.

On the other hand, he knew what the rules were and willfully broke them. Even if he thought that they were weird and arbitrary rules, he knew he was breaking them and that she would find out that he'd broken them and he had to have known she'd at least be upset, even if he didn't know what level of upset she'd be. It's at the very least a sign of immaturity (if you don't like the rules, you should try to renegotiate them, not act out), and possibly a sign of major assholery.

Basically, I think she should make sure that he thoroughly understands WHY she's upset. He needs to understand what, exactly, that rule is for, why it's in place, and why she's mad now that he broke the rule. If she determines that he really understands, I think she should keep him if he apologizes profusely and agrees to abide by the rules (which they may need to renegotiate), but dump him if he is not abject. If he can't understand why this is a hard line for you, he's not empathetic enough to be your mate.
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Oct 22, 2015 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Problem With My Gay Brother Isn't That He's Gay.
Honestly, I'm with @17. You need to sit down with him and make him watch it, and then ask wtf was up with being on speed at a children's birthday party.
Feb 5, 2015 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Boss Is a Married Lady and I'm Not a Single Lady—Should I Fuck Her Anyway?.
@7: For the record, my parents were subordinate and boss when they started dating. In fact, my dad was only separated from his first wife at the time, not divorced. My mom found a job at another company partly because they started dating. They were married for 24 years before my dad died. They were very happy together.

However, there is a certain way that people who are a couple should behave when they are at work, and part of that is never, EVER flirting at work. This doesn't work so well when you're having a clandestine affair and most of the time that you can see each other is at work, because it essentially means no flirting. I work at the same company as my fiance, and if we talk to each other at work, it's strictly professional or logistical (I'm leaving, should I pick up anything on my way home?). We also don't go out of our way to see each other at work. I don't think this is something you can pull off if your time after work together is super limited.
Jan 30, 2015 alguna_rubia commented on This Morning's Best Long Read: Jonathan Chait On the Return of Political Correctness and the Online Swarm of Illiberal Liberals.
It's interesting to me that no one has linked J. Bryan Lowder's response yet, because I actually thought that his POV was the most interesting, because he really separated the wheat from the chaff in Chait's argument. The "take-downs" are often good reads, but they're much better at dismantling the arguments than actually trying to find any true points in the article.

Here's Lowder's: http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/…
Jan 18, 2015 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: Violating New Rules.
@50: Yeah, that is certainly what it reads like, isn't it?

I think there have been a lot of good points in this comment thread. I'm with the crowd who thinks that she actually thought she was following the rules by calling to ask before actually sleeping with the guy. Also, I think her horny brain probably said "call before the guy eats me out, call after... is there really that big of a difference?" and decided "No" because it was more convenient.

And honestly, the amount he is flipping out seems out-of-proportion to the offense. I think he's either flipping out because he didn't think it would actually happen and didn't really think his permission through, or there are other problems in the relationship that are causing him to give this more weight. I honestly think it's probably the former, but I understand why some people think it's the latter.