commented on Models to Feel Bad For
Yes, this is what the flying monkeys exist for - to make it clear to the powers that be that some shit is offensive and we'd like them to knock it off.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Worst That Could Happen
Speaking of personal experience, the worst that can happen is that she'll try to stick out a relationship that her instincts keep telling her is doomed. She'll ignore her instincts in the interest of being rational about it, and repeat his good points over and over while ignoring all the things that are making her insecure, jealous, and feel like second-rate crap in this guy's life. Months will pass. She'll think the problem can be fixed by greater commitment and contribution on her part. She'll accede to any of his requests or demands. She'll marry him. She'll promise to do anything for him if only he'll see her as more valuable than his ex. Years will pass. They'll have kids. They'll adopt a dog. She'll drag him to therapy with her trying to get to the bottom of these problems. She'll keep telling herself the problems are hers alone. She'll take all the blame ...
And then eventually after 20 years or so she'll realize she's thrown her life away on a man who never valued her and has always held this false standard over her head as an excuse to why he doesn't give her the love and attention she needs as a human being.
That's the worst that can happen. (Assuming he's not outright abusive, which was true in my case but might not be in hers.)
commented on Colorado High School Cancels Valedictorian's Graduation Day Speech Because He Was Planning to Come Out
raindrop - True, but a non-asshole principle would have called Evan in and coached him on the situation instead of simply canceling everything and blurting it out to his parents. He would have explained to Evan just as you did and made sure Evan considered alternatives, such as telling his parents privately beforehand so they can be as supportive of him as he needs, and letting it be a surprise to everyone else in the crowd.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Irreconcilable Differences
As an escapee from 17 years of marriage to an emotionally abusive, manipulative man, I see several warning signs here. During my separation, I read a lot of books on the matter (therapy had always been hit or miss for me). If it were just one or two signs, that would be one thing, but there's a lot:
- He's a grown man, yet he's confused about his sexuality and making you bear the brunt of that.
- He blames his current problems on a tortured past that you not only can't do anything about, but you can't prove it ever happened in the first place (which makes it super-convenient as a catch-all 'get out of trouble free' card or a 'It's not my fault!')
- He makes you feel like he settled and that he could have or should have done much better. He makes you feel inferior.
- You don't feel secure that he loves you, even after 20 years together and having faced many challenges together.
- You are totally unwilling to consider a life without him.
- He does not fulfill your needs.
- He encourages you to do things that he then blames you for.
Think about this very carefully. In my case, every attempt at therapy was hijacked by my husband as a chance to explore his nebulous and irrelevant childhood issues instead of talking about the problems with our marriage. If you think therapy might work, fine, but you need to get your own therapist and quit drinking this man's kool-aid. You are a person in and of yourself, with rights, needs, and preferences. If you're not getting them met with him, there are many other arrangements you could pursue. Even without divorce, you could separate, you could go live with a relative for a few months, you could open the marriage so you could each pursue your own demographic (you - people who love you; him - women who are 20 years older than you are). If nothing else, you need to find it within yourself to acknowledge that your marriage should serve YOU and if it isn't serving YOU, then you should renegotiate the terms until it does.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Violating New Rules
It sounds like his rules were quite clear and she didn't break them: Call before sleeping with someone. She called before sleeping with someone. Just as clearly, she seems to define 'sleeping with someone' to be having penis-in-vagina sex. Whereas he seems to define 'sleeping with someone' to include making out, blow jobs, cunnilingus, etc.
Instead of him blowing up that she couldn't read his mind as to definitions of phrases that the majority of people (including those on this comment thread) don't define the same way, he needs to calm the fuck down, accept that he fucked up by not being clear (there's no 'forgive her' that should be in the works here), and talk to her non-threateningly, at a time when he's not holding her future, the relationship, and her living area hostage, about what his definitions are.
All that said, my experience with controlling assholes is that he really ought to dump her immediately for her own good. The relationship is so unequal that he can easily slide this into emotional abuse and extortion, if he hasn't already.
Aug 20, 2014
commented on SL Letters of the Day: Who Am I Cuckolding Here?
He's being Nice Guy because he figured out she was about to leave him. As soon as he can figure out a way to sink some emotional hooks into her that isolates her and makes her more dependent on him, he'll turn up the heat again. This is classic manipulative asshole behavior.
Having her fuck complete strangers is not only a control thing for him, but it also prevents her from cultivating male friends who might lend her emotional support when he starts applying the thumbscrews.
Get out now.
Aug 13, 2014
commented on Savage Love
Pate - If I were in her situation and a guy I'd been sexting with for a few months told me he was moving close and wanted to move the relationship to a new level, I would be very much like, 'Go away!' and 'Please no!', because I'd think that he'd want more of what he'd already been getting, and in person it's harder to turn off the computer when the baby cries, or establish firm boundaries on work hours and the like. You're threatening her with having to navigate a minefield of relationship issues in the middle of two other very stressful things. It might work if you made it very clear to her what you expect, and if you showed up (if she agrees you showing up is okay) and helped only. That means no expectation of fun, eating out, sex, partying, having a good time. Well, actually, you'd be saying that 'having a good time' for you would be the opportunity to help her during this time by being child care and covering for domestic duties while she settled into her new job. If you aren't interested in that, then yeah, you should probably consider yourself dumped, because her income and her child are both going to trump romantic interests, as well they should if she's smart. The only man she should be dating is one who will help her with those two things. It's up to you to decide if you're that man.