I didn't realize we had stopped dating as of last Friday—as you said in your text to your ex-girlfriend—or I wouldn't have just had sex with you this morning. Does she know you call her a drug addict who "isn't the sharpest tool in the shed"? Shit, if that's how you talk about someone you message all day long and tell them you love them, I can't imagine the things you must say about me. Sorry I did the thing and looked through your texts, but my Spidey sense was tingling and I didn't feel like you were being up front. Don't worry, I'm not a horrible person and I'm not going to smash your car as you suggested I might in your texts. I have compassion for you. I just think maybe you're right—we shouldn't be dating. I promise I won't burn all your clothes in the street. They'll be safe outside my house until you can find a new girl to use. Thanks for breaking my heart.

—Anonymous