"A little girl lay in her bed each night & called to her mommy with all her might. ‘A drink of water!’ she shouts from her bed & mommy hit her on the head. Mommy loved her daughter dearly, that's why she hit her so severely." - Phyllis April King 1975
"I've got no common sense and neither has nobody else. I spread my brains out on the table and poke them about with a fork, so I've got no common sense and neither has nobody esel [sic]. I spread my brains out on the table and poke them about with a fork. So I've got no common sense & neither has nobody else." - Ivor Cutler 1975
- Think of it as a coupon, really.
MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY ALERT: Matt Clark is collecting drug bags. Not only is he collecting them, he’s paying $5 for varieties that he doesn’t yet have. Here’s an image of the types that he already owns, if you have one (that you’ve, erm, found) get a hold of him and he’ll pay you $5 for it. That’s money in the bank! If you do it enough you can buy a Le Car!
- In at least one U.S. municipality, the Le Car was used as a law enforcement vehicle, when the La Conner, Washington police department acquired three of the vehicles for its fleet in the late 1970s.
Here’s a list of the cars that I have owned in my lifetime:
#1 1974 Volkswagen Super Beetle
#2 1971 Volkswagen Beetle
#3 1972 Volkswagen Squareback
#4 1983 BMW 320i
#5 1987 Mazda 323
#6 1992 Volkswagen Golf
#7 1984 Volvo 240 Wagon
#8 1989 Volvo 740 Wagon
#9 1995 Subaru Legacy
#10 2005 Subaru Forester
The first three Volkswagens were really rusty and hardly ever ran. #2 definitely didn’t have a floor. In fact, I had a cat in college and while it was a kitten it FELL OUT of a hole in the floor while I was driving in Kent, Ohio. I recovered her off of the pavement and she lived another 15 years, while never once chipping in for food or litter. The BMW was my mother’s boyfriend's. He’d stopped making payments on it, so he gave it to me so the re-possessors couldn’t track it down. It had a broken radiator so it could only be driven for ten minutes at a time. I’m bringing these things up now because I’ve been assessing my life for the last 12 hours.
Voila, today is my birthday. Some people are shy about their special day, but I always make a really big deal out of mine. Like New Year’s Eve, I usually organize a giant party, that way I don’t have anybody to blame but myself if it turns out to be a drag. When I moved to Seattle in September, I started planning for my birthday right away. In the words of Daniel Burnham, I was going to make “no little plans”. It seemed like a really good idea to organize a music festival on the same day as my birthday, that way I could meet a lot of people and see (+ maybe even meet!) some bands that I liked. Once I started picking performers that I wanted for the music festival, it became apparent that I’d need to cover as many genres of music as I could so anybody who came would have a chance to enjoy something. Oh, and I decided to have the music festival at Than Bros on Broadway, so people could have something to eat while they watched the music. Since everybody is pressed for time these days, I made the hours of the festival between 6pm and 9:30pm, that way if a person had a nine to five job, they’d be able to make it to the show and get back home at a reasonable hour. I came up with a list of 211 bands that I thought would be best suited for the festival, along with a list of wonderful sponsors who could help out with some of the costs and get their business promoted to a wider audience. I included some pretty impressive acts too, hopefully encouraging a larger crowd, making it easier for me to meet more people. I named the event Seattle Megafest #3. I called it “#3” because I figured people would take it more seriously if two had already happened, similar to how more people went to see Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit than the first Sister Act. To accommodate 211 bands performing at a restaurant I’d need 14 stages, and I figured each act would get a 3-15 minute set. There was a chance that some of the bands would have to play at the same time to meet time constraints. There are so many great music festivals these days and there’s so much to take care of when putting them together, I really learned a lot and came to respect the planning that goes into these things!
- THIS ISN'T A FESTIVAL THAT IS NOT REALLY FAKE.
Choosing sponsors was a pretty difficult task. Finding companies large enough to have some money to throw around but still stay true to the vision of the festival was a big hurdle. I think I went with some real champions though, and for obvious reasons. Budweiser beer was a no-brainer because it’s such a wonderful beer. Even though the computer software company Epyx went bankrupt in 1989 and disappeared completely in 1993, they also seemed like a wise decision. I rounded out prospective sponsors with solid companies that were household names, locally and around the world. We’re talking about Taco Time, Les Schwab, Winchell’s Donuts, Fred Meyer, Seattle Biodiesel & Ivar’s. Great entities that stood out from the pack and would support a culturally rich event such as Seattle Megafest #3.
Band selection came easier. Great music from Seattle is a lot like water, it just exists and there’s a lot of it. I chose some big names to make Seattle Megafest #3 what it was supposed to be: the best music festival on December 6th. It would be hard for nearly any fan of music to resist this line-up: Pearl Jam, Heart, 7 Year Bitch, Soundgarden, Green River, Candlebox, Grunttruck, Hammerbox, The Fire Theft, Metal Church, Sonics, U-Men, Young Fresh Fellows, Quincy Jones, Modest Mouse, Death Cab For Cutie, MXPX, Mentors, Queensryche, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Temple Of The Dog, Zipgun, The Walkabouts, Screaming Trees, Sweet 75, Judy Collins, Harvey Danger, Mad Season, Critters Buggin, Band Of Horses, Julie Francavilla, Flop, Gas Huffer, Kenny G, Fastbacks, Rhino Humpers, Bathtub Gin, Polecat, Rusty Tricycle, Room Nine, F-Holes, Christdriver, the Accused, Botch, Himsa, Christ On A Crutch, Leon Hendrix, Dehumanizers and however many more bands would add up to 211. I’d even included bands that didn’t exist, or “super groups” that seemed like they might really tear a stage to shreds. Imagine Isaac Brock, Quincy Jones and Sickie Wifebeater from the Mentors doing a 45 second version of Effigy by CCR. Somewhere along the line though, I lost interest in the Seattle Megafest #3.
Many or all of the bands and sponsors weren’t contacted. The venue wasn’t secured. In fact, Than Bros wasn’t even contacted. I simply let Seattle Megafest #3 flutter to the ground, another grand plan chalked up to 100% inspiration and 0% perspiration. It’s certainly a tragedy that this magnificent event wasn’t able to happen, and I was sad to see the momentum of such an occasion come to a grinding halt.
But stop dead, it didn’t. Today I was notified that a lawsuit was in the works because of my unrealized dream. It seems that I had broken some laws that I wasn’t even aware of and this is going to be one birthday that I won’t soon forget. Instead of paraphrasing, I’ll include the full text (legal jargon and all) for everybody to peruse and hopefully somebody can make sense of this debacle for me (creative grammar & spelling intact):
"The bands canceled due to something called FALSE ADVERTISING. see how funny it is when this dusche bag starts hearing from some of there Lawyers... No matter how funny you all think this is... it is against the law to falsely advertise and promote a event with out the owners knowledge ( the owners being the restaurant owner, all the bands)" & later "lol you all need to wake up and get a real life... like your own... lol what a waste of brain cells."
Now I have to be honest, this isn’t my first brush with the law. I’ve been arrested three separate times. If you’re a prospective employer researching my past here’s a good place to find out about two of those arrests. We won’t even bother with the 3rd arrest, because it’s rather boring. Another comment was found soon after the lawsuit notification (“creative” grammar & spelling intact):
“BEWARE: THIS IS NOT A REAL SHOW. IT'S A PRANK! Dereck Erdman is multi-faceted Pop Artist, much like Andy Warhol. This is obviously his idea of the art of public manipulation. If you ever wanted to be on JackAss or PUNK'd, by all means, share a bowl of Pho with him.”
Besides these comments, I received two actual threats of violence for creating Seattle Megafest #3. And then it struck me, I'll have a surprise birthday party at Than Bros for all of my bros and perhaps I'll get thrashed by a livid "Megafester".
So yes, the whole point of this entry really is for me to invite you to eat pho at the Than Bros on Broadway with me at 8pm. I revealed earlier to my newest friend Lurren Gerstler that my dream party tonight would be for Than Bros to be full of people that I knew all sitting at different tables while I sat alone at a table piled with wrapped gifts. I’d like for everybody to be dead quiet and I’d like to be sobbing, like a funeral birthday. Because birthdays for me are head-in-the-oven depressing, I’ve got to tell you. Like you’re married to Ted Hughes and the emotional stock market just crashed. Also, if somebody could bring me a Burger King crown to wear, I'd really appreciate it.
- Than Bros Broadway TONIGHT: 8pm-9pm
- Derek Erdman + Hipster Grifter = MAD CASH DASH
- So Siiickk, So Livid (Like Unrest 1993).
Thanks a lot for reading my column, I appreciate it. Here's a video excerpt of the song "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet" by Gavin Bryers, if you're interested in listening to it: