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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Shit Talk The List of Things Worse Than the Black Keys

Posted by Derek Erdman on Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 9:22 AM

There was a heap of dishes in the kitchen sink this morning. Man, I had the dishpan hands blues! While I was scrubbing and scrubbing, I got to thinking about the Black Keys. There's a really good chance that there's something about the Black Keys that I just don't understand, but they seem to be so massively popular. It seems that an issue of Mojo can't go to print without a Black Keys story or photo spread. Then I started a list of things in my head that are worse than the Black Keys. I started at genocide, and then added cancer, rape and the Apocalypse. Racism is worse than the Black Keys, as is sexism. Then I thought of getting robbed of all of my possessions and stopped. I think that the Black Keys are worse that that.

The Black Keys are an American alternative rock music duo.

The Black Keys are an American alternative rock music duo.

So, I was hoping we could compile a list of things worse than the Black Keys, just so we know. We can use it for reference later. If I'm ever in a really bad car accident and somebody asks me how I am, at least then I can say, "IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE BLACK KEYS!"

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A Derek Erdman "drawing" of the Black Keys.

Posted by DOUG.

on October 27, 2011 at 9:34 AM

Hey, the Black Keys are great! LOLs, DOUG.

Posted by More, I Say! on October 27, 2011 at 9:36 AM

Robyn.

Posted by mattyoder on October 27, 2011 at 9:37 AM

Every grunge band.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 27, 2011 at 9:40 AM

For me, The Black Keys are no better and no worse than boredom.

Posted by seandr on October 27, 2011 at 9:42 AM

"Caperin'" is worse than the Black Keys.

Posted by Kris on October 27, 2011 at 9:43 AM

you're an idiot and your face is worse than the Black Keys

Posted by joe Kikass on October 27, 2011 at 9:48 AM

Trolling your own blog is worse than the Black Keys.

Posted by Keekee on October 27, 2011 at 9:53 AM

The Black Keys are one of the few mega-popular bands who are actually good. Also, Blakroc is a great album...Rubber Factory kicks ass too.

Posted by slaggy

on October 27, 2011 at 9:57 AM

Lumpy, overcooked cream of wheat.

Posted by care bear on October 27, 2011 at 9:57 AM

Line Out

Posted by Gern Blanston on October 27, 2011 at 10:03 AM

Annoying alt-weekly writers who can't write or draw.

Posted by abbot312 on October 27, 2011 at 10:07 AM

Fans at a black keys show

Posted by biju on October 27, 2011 at 10:07 AM

Are the Black Keys bad? Are they un-hip or something? I don't know how these things work. I like what I've heard of them so far, should I not if I want the other kids to think I'm cool?

Posted by Zebes

on October 27, 2011 at 10:13 AM

Famine, brutal dictatorships, infectious disease...

In general, pretty much any third world problem you can think of would easily trump the first world issue of "this band really annoys me for some reason."

Posted by j.lee on October 27, 2011 at 10:20 AM

UB40.

I don't mind the Black Keys, but they run the same game as other popular acts. Follow these easy steps to become a star:
Step 1: Listen to Black music.
Step 2: Start band, copy Black music, remove all soulful or gritty traits, record glossy album.
Step 3: Receive NPR airplay, become a star to anyone who frequently watches TED talks.
Step 4: Enjoy several years of popularity followed by several decades of playing the second stage at state fairs and casinos.

Posted by cosby

on October 27, 2011 at 10:35 AM

In theory I should like them, but they bore the crap out of me. The only thing good I can say about them is they are on the same label as Left Lane Cruiser.

Posted by chrisgreen on October 27, 2011 at 10:40 AM

Black Keys are really like a tribute band to the 60s.

So their songs "sound like" Doors, Stones, etc...

But in fact, you could take it a step further, as I do, and actually go and see really good tribute bands...like No Quarter (Zep) or Blind Floyd (Pink Floyd).

In fact, I think it's time we see the 1960s-70s Classic Rock Era as an unrepeatable artistic period (there will be no "new Beatles). The Grunge Period of the 90s, I term the Neo-Classical Rock Era...a coda that repeated and extended the genre.

Therefore, like symphonies performing Beethoven, the proper response of the audience is to seek out the best new "players" of the classical (rock) pieces.

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on October 27, 2011 at 10:47 AM

pointless articles are worse than the Black Keys

Posted by parkeb on October 27, 2011 at 10:50 AM

flame retardant!

Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus

on October 27, 2011 at 10:56 AM

Aw, I thought this was funny.

Posted by Kathy Fennessy

on October 27, 2011 at 10:57 AM

remember when Sonic Youth released Daydream Nation, and the cool kids bagged on them for selling out? no, you probably don't.

Posted by Max Solomon on October 27, 2011 at 10:59 AM

Black Keys are the new Sonic Youth.

Posted by paulus on October 27, 2011 at 11:06 AM

@16, your association of black music with "gritty traits" is just as racist as the thieving that you accuse white artists of doing. The 5th Dimension is black music; so is Lou Rawls; so is Dionne Warwick. Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. The Stylistics. Isaac Hayes (the king of Memphis, but also a prince of syrupy strings). Barry White. Ad infinitum. Black music covers a lot more ground than funky chicken-scratch James Brown or Meters riffs.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 27, 2011 at 11:12 AM

I liked the Black Keys better when they were Bad Company.

Posted by Gern Blanston on October 27, 2011 at 11:12 AM

@24:
I was talking mostly about the obvious influences of the Black Keys, I'm not trying to pigeonhole all music made by one race. I think their sound, especially in the rhythm section, owes a lot to Stax records and the Muscle Shoals sound (so much so that they opted to record an album in the Muscle Shoals studio). I don't think I'm being racist by identifying that these are gritty and soulful records.

Also, I wish there was a hip indie band that'd have the Stylistics as their primary influence, the world might be a better place for it.

Posted by cosby

on October 27, 2011 at 11:19 AM

This post turned out so well. It is decided: the Black Keys are phat and wack.

Posted by derek_erdman

on October 27, 2011 at 11:30 AM

What's worse than the Black Keys? Anything on Grant Brissey's iPod, surely.

Posted by WeeblesWobble

on October 27, 2011 at 12:06 PM

why is this erdman dude getting work? somewhat humorous content ruined by inept illos.

Posted by 34x42 on October 27, 2011 at 12:13 PM

But I don't own an iPod.

Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus

on October 27, 2011 at 12:53 PM

What is Erdman black-mailing Dan Savage with???

Posted by Keekee on October 27, 2011 at 12:59 PM

Most indie bands are worse than the Black Keys. I'll take skillful blues guitar, emotive singing, and simple lyrics over guitarists who play the same chord for 8 measures, monotone mumbled singing, and lyrics consisting of large words found on a random page of Proust.

Also it's nice to hear music that has a little soul. Most indie stuff out there sounds like it was made by dweeby white city kids who couldn't name a single pre-hiphop black musician if you asked them.

Posted by matt! on October 27, 2011 at 1:00 PM

>who play the same chord for 8 measures, monotone mumbled singing, and lyrics consisting of large words found on a random page of Proust.

This feels like a triple-dog dare to me. and I like a challenge.

Posted by modrachlan srarmons on October 27, 2011 at 1:04 PM

Each successive album has gotten more and more bland and uninspired and paint-by-the-numbers since Rubber Factory, which is (inexplicably) inversely related to their popularity.

But I pretty much don't trust anyone who doesn't like Thickfreakness. There's a lot of blues rock duos out there, but few of them have done it as well as those two were doing it back in the day.

Posted by Hutch on October 27, 2011 at 1:11 PM

I recently heard Radiohead for the first time in probably 15 years. It was worse. Much worse.

Posted by Dougsf on October 27, 2011 at 1:27 PM

This is hilarious! Hey, wasn't that Kee Kee person an Erdfan in the beginning? What happened?

I like the Black Keys. Derek, you should admit that something bad happened to you at a party which is where all this hatred stems from. Also, the thing about not having a dad probably isn't helping.

Wait! I just realized that maybe the whole internet comments freak out thing that I never understand is really maybe just a whole bunch of people funnin' with each other instead of against each other. Is that possible?

Posted by laceyswain on October 27, 2011 at 1:36 PM

I don't understand what any of you are talking about. I'm just trying to make a list over here.

Posted by derek_erdman

on October 27, 2011 at 2:07 PM

i don't really like the black keys. that being said, the comments on this post are fucking HILARIOUS.

Posted by yos-wa on October 27, 2011 at 2:23 PM

No love for the white keys? Bunch of ivorists up in here.

Posted by Daddy Love on October 27, 2011 at 2:37 PM

Late Metro buses

Day-old coffee

Pink eye

Several shitty metal bands who play at the Comet

Weezer

Posted by Jenny from the Block on October 27, 2011 at 2:38 PM

The Head and the Heart

Stepping barefoot into cat puke

Jaeger

Posted by Jenny from the Block on October 27, 2011 at 2:42 PM

caperin'...much worse than the black keys.

dude, you are so punk right now...oooh, i answered your questions! i do like how all the drawings look like each other with the same color schemes tho'.

Posted by birdy num num on October 27, 2011 at 2:45 PM

Okay! Now we're getting somewhere!

If there aren't any more suggestions, this is the completed list for all-time reference:

Caperin'
A Derek Erdman "drawing" of the Black Keys
Derek Erdman's Face
Annoying alt-weekly writers who can't write or draw
Robyn
Every grunge band
Trolling your own blog
Lumpy, overcooked cream of wheat
Fans at a Black Keys show
Line Out
Famine
Brutal dictatorships
Infectious disease
UB40
Pointless articles
Flame retardant
Anything on Grant Brissey's (non-existant) iPod
Most indie bands
Radiohead
Late Metro buses
Day-old coffee
Pink eye
Weezer
Several shitty metal bands who play at the Comet
The Head and the Heart
Stepping barefoot into cat puke
Jaeger

WAY TO GO, BLOG READERS!

Posted by derek_erdman

on October 27, 2011 at 2:59 PM

Ditto what Hutch said (though I still like the current Black Keys too, so whatever). Blackfreakness was a fucking great album.

Posted by don't live there any more on October 27, 2011 at 3:03 PM

@32, oh crap -- blues guitar? I change my answer. There is nothing, but NOTHING, worse than blues guitar.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 27, 2011 at 3:07 PM

@16, I don't think you can accuse a band that self-recorded their first (few?) albums in a basement using lo-fi equipment as putting out "glossy" records. The first album they even had a producer on was in 2008. I'm not a huge fan by any means but "glossy" they ain't.

Posted by robotbutler on October 27, 2011 at 3:08 PM

OH HO HO HO YEAH, I GOT IT! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WORSE THAN THE BLACK KEYS DEREK ERDMAN...(here it comes)... YOU AND YOUR DRAWINGS! YEAH! I REALLY TOLD YOU!

Furthermore, this post is pointless and hip! Wait, NOT hip! Wait, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Posted by shmemily on October 27, 2011 at 3:27 PM

48 Comment Pulled (Duplicate) Comment Policy

@31 What are hyphens blackmailing you with Keekster?

Posted by shmemily on October 27, 2011 at 3:30 PM

I didn't like the black keys before it was cool.

Posted by I'm 85 Years Old on October 27, 2011 at 4:11 PM

Jimmy Fallon & Red Vines

Posted by Belly on October 27, 2011 at 4:15 PM

pampelmoose.

Posted by deepconcentration on October 27, 2011 at 5:55 PM

if I may...Hitler would only hit the black keys on a piano when he played.

think about it.

Posted by LEE. on October 27, 2011 at 8:05 PM

also, caustically dismissing somebody for enjoyably taking a piss at a well-loved band as being "hip" is pretty lame. yet still not worse than the Black Keys because they fucking suck.

Posted by LEE. on October 27, 2011 at 8:08 PM

#41 was the best one.

Posted by matt clark

on October 27, 2011 at 10:59 PM

Fences

Posted by itsneverthateasy on October 28, 2011 at 10:03 AM

Seriously. Fences sucks.

Posted by Tim2324 on October 28, 2011 at 10:20 AM

OMG pop music with inane lyrics? What is the world coming to?

Posted by beef rallard on October 29, 2011 at 12:57 AM

I think Derek secretly works for the Black Keys, because I had no idea who they were or what they sounded like until I had to educate myself to understand the jokes in this post. How much they payin' ya for publicity?

Posted by Rachel L

on October 29, 2011 at 12:20 PM

President Perry

Posted by B. Beatsie on October 30, 2011 at 1:11 PM

"I'm just one wishing
That I was a pair
With someone
Oh somewhere
All those sleepless nights
And all those wasted days
I wish loneliness would leave me
But I think he's here to stay"

-From the same song Derek used in his picture. Good job using his improvised semi-scatting at the very end of a song as an example of their "lyrics"

"me how I am, at least then"
-ACTUAL DEREK ERDMAN WRITING!

"Baby baby baby"
-ACTUAL LED ZEPPELING LYRICS!

"Whoaaa ohhh ohh"
-ACTUAL RADIOHEAD LYRICS!

Fail.

Posted by satan666 on October 31, 2011 at 12:20 PM

Bad lyrics in pop music don't bother me, but pretentiousness build upon a solid foundation of lousy musicianship and total lack of energy or originality are slightly annoying.

Thought they sucked the first time I heard 'em and no further listening helped. And I'm far from hip...But I love Uriah Heep, so what do I know. Black Keys ripped on Nickelback. Now, Nickelback sucks and I hate them, but the Black Keys suck so much worse that I almost became a Nickelback fan knowing that these two tone-deaf posers didn't like them.

Posted by am on May 16, 2013 at 11:04 PM