Patrick hosts karaoke at the Monkey Pub in the U-District on Friday nights from 10 to close. These are his stories [dun-dun!].

All the time, people are coming up to me and saying, "Hey, Patrick! Is it possible to get laid using karaoke?" Well, sure it is! People get laid all the time singing karaoke songs! Probably! Nothing says "I am possibly interested in lowering my sexual standards by up to 80 percent tonight!" like listening to people sing songs they didn't write! And drinking!

The trick is to know what song to sing, and so I've prepared, with only the filthiest modicum of thought and experience, the following guide. Here is what you can expect when you sing the listed songs:

"Jack & Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp

"All Star" by Smashmouth
Clumsy handjob.

"Refrain, Audacious Tar" by Gilbert and Sullivan

"What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes
Five drops of dishwasher soap in the washing machine can help get the patchouli out of your sheets. LINE DRY ONLY!

"Me and Mrs. Jones" by Kenny Gamble, Billy Paul, Daryl Hall, possibly Howie Mandel, etc.
Expect a torrid affair whose sexual energy is perpetuated only by meeting in the same cafe at 5:30 on Tuesdays for iced hazelnut lattes and then going back to the motel whose sordidness and dirt only fuels the raging fire of passion that burns with the intensity of a thousand efficient LED lightbulbs until stagnation inevitably sets in and you realize that the best years of your life have been wasted on a woman whose torrid doesn't torrid as hard as it used to/man who is Daryl Hall. Recommended.

"Mother" by Danzig
Cut the cord, bro! LOLOLOLOL

"Don’t You Want Me" by Is this by the Human League? I feel like maybe it is, but I don’t want to check.
Whatever, if you sing this, you’ll end up having Normal Sex with the person you sing it with. This always happens. It’s boring.

"Jane Says" by Jane’s Addiction
This totally works on girls named Jane. So does "Jane" by Starship. And "Sweet Jane," too, though if your Jane was born in the '80s or later, do the Cowboy Junkies one. Normal Sex.

"Panama" by Van Halen

"What About Love?" by Heart
What about it? Skip this one.

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
Guys LOVE this song. Fucking sing this song twice. And then, yeah, he’ll call you maybe. From your fucking bathroom cuz he’s using your goddamn toothbrush cuz you totally just did it to each other or whatever and he has to brush his teeth and I don’t know why he’s calling you from your own bathroom, this is just what happens. Jesus fuck this song is so good.

"Shine" by Collective Soul
Duh dunna duh nunna duh nunna dunna duh, yeah, duh dunna duh nunna duh nunna dunna dert dert.

And there you go. Now you can get laid by singing karaoke! Maybe even on a Tuesday! Say my name during Normal Sex, get a free song!