Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2014 | 101 minutes | Rated PG-13

If you're going to reboot a beloved kids' franchise, but you for some reason want to make it more serious (which you should not be doing in the first place because "seriousness" is the exact opposite of "pizza-powered mutated '80s turtle vigilantes"), then making the turtles look like slimy roid-ragey creeps is a lame move. If the studio wanted them to be tough and serious, it could've made them tough and serious. But they're supposed to be the good guys, and inspire some amount of humor and affection. Instead, they look horrifying, and every time their gross faces show up, your brain flinches. THESE TURTLES HAVE LIPS, YOU GUYS. And human-looking teeth. And nostrils. And their proportions are all screwed up. And the plot? Should I talk about the plot? Do you care? Could you possibly care about the plot? Because you know what it is: Turtles = good guys. Foot Clan = bad guys. Crime wave, cub reporter, fight fight fight, pizza. I can't quite advise you to give this a pass; the turtles are so deep in my 1980s heart. But this movie is the tiniest little photocopy-of-a-photocopy-of-a-photocopy fragment of what made the TMNT lovable in the first place.


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Film Credits
Jonathan Liebesman
Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Danny Woodburn, Abby Elliott, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Pete Ploszek, Alan Ritchson, Minae Noji, Whoopi Goldberg, Tohoru Masamune