Josh Gad plays a sweaty groom-to-be doofus engaged to Gretchen (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting), who is “way out of his league” in a tan-neck/sperm-shaped-eyebrows kind of way. She’s a woman, so weddings are suuueeewwuuper important to her. Knowing this, Doug obviously can’t be honest with her about the fact that he has no friends, and therefore has no groomsmen or a best man. So he digs himself into a giant sweaty lie hole by making up a list of dude bros who will “definitely be there” to participate in the big day, including the fictional Bic Mitchum, his best friend who is a priest and also in the military (lying is so hard on the spot!). He’s fucked. He’s sweaty. What is he going to do? Kevin Hart plays the Axe-body-spray-ishly handsome Jimmy—if you pay him enough, he’ll pretend to be your charming BFF at your wedding, give a cool speech about you, and then boink the hottest bridesmaid “before she passes out.” The rest of the movie goes like this: That Black Eyed Peas song from 2009, fat joke, Gretchen’s macho father asking, “Does anyone else feel super fucking gay?” while waiting to meet the wedding planner, who, right on cue, comes out and is “super fucking gay” (not that gay, though, his flamboyance and lisping are later revealed to be a ploy to earn more money). What else? A ragtag crew of groomsmen (hey it’s Hurley from Lost!), increasingly elaborate lies no adult human would ever believe, gay panic, that tan fucking neck, fat joke, prison-rape joke, pedophilia joke, MULLET HA-HA-HA, wheelchair jokes, bridezilla freak-out, bachelor party rave that ends in a dead dog and dick stitches (aka the point where I almost walked out but remembered they had my cell phone because gawd forbid I throw a sick bootleg on YouTube 10 hours before the public gains access), grandmother accidentally set on fire, Jimmy and Doug’s budding bromance flowering into real brove (but not the gay kind, ew/duh), bridesmaids made out of collagen, gay joke, gay joke, weddings-are-for-women-and-their-mothers, man speeches for men, and the ending (SPOOOIIIIILER): After a smarm-o-tron truth speech during what was supposed to be the toast, the dudes escape the wedding to “really start living,” because faux bros before slow hoes, amiright?! Zero laughing. The end. by Emily Nokes