Hullomosexuals! Welcome to your LGBT Pride! Whether you are lesbian, gay, bacon, or tomato, you know good and well that there are infinity Pride events priding all over the damn place this week—enough to spin your pretty little head and do serious rainbow-colored damage to your liver. Splendid! Of course, we are here to steer you toward the very best, the reservoir tippity-top, the cream of wheat of the crop of gay happenings, the things you should under no circumstances miss, Miss. (But if you expect me to direct you to Bianca Del Rio's Rolodex of Hate at the Egyptian or the Totally Gay Sing-Along at Central Cinema, forget it! Those suckers are long since sold out.)
WEDNESDAY 6/24
ADORE AND A MINJ
We begin with Nark Magazine's signature Pride party, Gender Blender! A party for aficionados of RuPaul's Drag Race and high-octane dance-your-ass-offiness, featuring, well. Not this year's RPDR winner as was originally planned (Logo swept her away with the power of contractual obligations), but they still got Adore Delano, Miss Fame, and Ginger Minj to fill her ample stilettos. Hosted by our long-lost BenDeLaCreme! Neighbours, 9 pm, $35/$70 VIP, 21+.
THURSDAY 6/25
WOO-GIRLY BOYS
Next, we have a brand-new event that frankly is quite overdue—Sissy: A Fempowerment Movement! It's time for all us big fairies, sissyboys, and girlymen to rise and shine and reclaim our sexy power! This is our moment! There's no Masc4Masc BS allowed at this party, just superstar DJs Kobalt, Severa, and Spaceotter and a chance to celebrate the inner woo girl in us all. Re-bar, 9 pm, $10, 21+.
FRIDAY 6/26
GAY AS FUCK
The thundering warrior princess of last year's parade, Mama Tits, gives us what-fer with this night of drag, disco, and go-go boys, featuring the world-famous ChiChi LaRue and our dear friend LA Kendall. It's a Pride extravaganza of glitter and drag that's going to leave a smoking hole of fabulousness where the Unicorn once stood. Unicorn, 9 pm, $10, 21+.
SATURDAY 6/27
BRUNCH WITH BEARDED LADIES
BRACE YOURSELF! And soldier on, child! We begin with the ONLY Pride brunch, hosted by the glittering ladyman they call "Oil Money" (who is really the utterly amazing Zack Ibrahimi), joined by the talents of La Saveona Hunt, Spray Jay, and the Seattle debut of Beardoncé from Vancouver! Grim's, 11 am–2 pm, no cover.
CRUISING AND CRUISING
After brunch, grab your jock and what's left of your sobriety and meander down to the docks for the sluttiest Pride event, hands down: Nark's Pride Cruise! Champagne flows, flesh is exposed, and delightful new sins are discovered. Islander Yacht, 1611 Fairview Ave E, 3–6 pm, $25, 21+.
C'EST FINI, EN SOUS-VÊTEMENTS
It just wouldn't be a proper Pride without a visit to the dirty bird. After the Pride Cruise, let's not get dressed. Let's go dancing! DJ Matt Stands is presiding, nothing but underwear is encouraged, and you are invited. The Eagle, 9 pm– 3 am, $10, 21+.
SUNDAY 6/28
Go and have a parade, why don'tcha? HAPPY PRIDE, EVERYMO! 
