Savage Love Episode 285

Comments

Dan, I want to thank you for your advice to the first caller who was suffering from a breakup. My sister's going through pretty much the exact same sequence of events, and what you said really rang true (especially about short relationships being too short to discover any of your partner's flaws and therefore too easy to idealize). It struck me that I've been listening to your podcasts and reading your advice for three years now, and since I haven't had any experience myself, very little of your advice has "rung true" for me and I've disagreed with a good amount of it. I would probably have disagreed with this bit of advice too, thinking that calling him an asshole was too harsh. But knowing a real-life situation that corresponds to this one, I have to say you hit the nail on the head - you saw through to what was really happening. And I wonder how much more of your advice I would resonate with if I had actually experienced any of the things you talk about in your column.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to be less judgmental of your advice now.

dchari on April 3, 2012 at 6:08 AM

Oh, and Lucy had it the wrong way round - Sammy Davis Jr. kissed Archie Bunker on the cheek in an episode of All in the Family in the 70s. Incidentally, I would recommend that you watch All in the Family if you haven't seen it (I hadn't - I was born in 91). It's surprisingly progressive for '72, a pioneer of its time. The premise is the promotion of a particular hippie-like brand of progressive politics. It's a mindfuck.

dchari on April 3, 2012 at 6:24 AM

hate lucy

on April 3, 2012 at 7:34 AM

Do we get to see Lucy in the show?

maraudingcat on April 3, 2012 at 7:51 AM

love lucy

on April 3, 2012 at 8:22 AM

Dear Lucy,
I don't know who all these supposed haters are out there but I kind of don't believe it. Personally I find you presence on the podcast delightful and insightful. You remind me of some of the best ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing and to be honest I think I have developed a minor crush. Haters be hatin' but you wonderful girl need not listen! Thanks for coming back for an encore appearance.

hello-earth on April 3, 2012 at 8:40 AM

I like all the incarnations of the Savage Lovecast: solo Dan, as well as all the different special guests, including Lucy.

Haters can go pound sand...

on April 3, 2012 at 9:00 AM

YaY! Lucy made my whole morning better!

Also we can't get Savage U here in Canada.....guess we have to settle for the stilted jabbering reruns of 1 girl 5 gays....

on April 3, 2012 at 9:49 AM

While listening to the first caller, I kept wondering if the "we" of "we discussed ... blah blah blah" was actually just her, endlessly analyzing and fantasizing about where things were going, not so much with him as *at* him. Maybe he's well rid of her, too.

aureolaborealis on April 3, 2012 at 10:01 AM

YAY!! LUCY!!!!

on April 3, 2012 at 10:10 AM

And like I like I feel like but like my frat boyfriend like like like

Aaaargh!

Also: yay, Lucy's back!

on April 3, 2012 at 10:11 AM

Hi Dan and Lucy,

I don't know who hates her, but I have three words: MORE LUCY PLEASE! You two have a great chemistry together and like you like to say all the time, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. So as long as you want her around, please bring more of her. She's funny and upbeat and makes for a good counterpart to you.

RafaAntonio on April 3, 2012 at 10:13 AM

Can I help Lucy out with her troubles? Only 25 in NYC hurr. Heh.

on April 3, 2012 at 10:15 AM

@13 - Don't hide behind that "Heh". You're secretly hoping that she will really take you up on your offer, aren't you? God. Some men are completely delusional.

dchari on April 3, 2012 at 10:36 AM

Yay! Lucy's back!

balderdash on April 3, 2012 at 10:56 AM

I agree with No. 7 about the' love cast'.

scorpio of Id. on April 3, 2012 at 10:59 AM

I was never bothered by Lucy before, but she is intensely vapid and annoying in this podcast. Maybe she's self-conscious about all the haters.

aureolaborealis on April 3, 2012 at 10:59 AM

Dan - you may have wanted to do some research on the furry question. I'm not part of that fandom and yet even I know that there's a LOT of furry hate on the internet. :(

auspex on April 3, 2012 at 11:42 AM

It's not that I hate Lucy, it's the fact that she changes the dynamic. Dan sounds like he is showing off. Both of them flirt and giggle and talk about hanging out together. It's like watching my 14 year old brother and his girlfriend. Few people are interested in watching someone elses' crush. I wouldn't be opposed to Lucy at all if Dan would act normal around her...

on April 3, 2012 at 11:45 AM

@19: Yes.
I was thinking it felt like having a simpering female DJ from a Morning Zoo visiting the podcast.

aureolaborealis on April 3, 2012 at 1:40 PM

Hi Dan...I'm not a hater but I don't enjoy your podcast with Lucy along. Maybe you are whistling past the comments cemetery by labeling objective criticism as "hate". When you announced Lucy's presence at the start of the podcast, I decided to give her another listen, but not much has changed, the show was dumbed down, and nothing constructive was added to the content. After a few minutes it was time for us to part company.

Past Listener on April 3, 2012 at 1:44 PM

@19 yes!! I was just explaining that to a friend. It's not Lucy, she's very sweet, but she takes away from Dan's presence on the show and it often feels like the two of them are having a slumber party and we're listening at the door. It's slightly grating. Sometimes I think Dan's hamming it up on purpose to annoy us further. ;)

@20 Hahahahaha!

bella28 on April 3, 2012 at 2:24 PM

actually, it is kind of Lucy...she's a bit inexperienced to be on the show. but that's ok, Dan obviously loves her and I am willing to share Dan for a podcast every now and then, I suppose.

bella28 on April 3, 2012 at 2:25 PM

Lucy. I don't mind Lucy, and it sounds like Dan is having fun when she's on, which is good.

The bad part is that I think she is fairly inexperienced sexually (not in a bad way, but just in a nice young woman way) and therefore pretty unsophisticated about sex. The "Yeah, bring it on" comments with the very obvious "Oh, please don't make me really do it" undertone are grating, to say the least.

A big part of both the charm and the usefullness of the show is the no bullshit approach to sex, and Lucy, I'm sorry, is handing us bullshit. If she were to pretend a little less, she'd be more valuable on the show.

agony on April 3, 2012 at 4:07 PM

Lucy fucken rocks!

Her vivacious enthusiasm is obviously contagious. She makes the podcast so much more upbeat and fun- im guessing to produce as well as listen to. More Lucy plz!

porkfish66 on April 3, 2012 at 4:19 PM

I like Lucy, but I don't think Dan pays as much attention to the callers when she's on. It does sound like a slumber party.

Gabby Rick on April 3, 2012 at 4:50 PM

I don't hate Lucy, but I don't like sycophants. Lucy functions as a fluffer for Dan's ego, it's sad and gross. Too bad he can't have an adult woman who has her own opinions and experiences as a co-host.

uhh... on April 3, 2012 at 5:01 PM

More Ira Glass!

wxPDX on April 3, 2012 at 10:18 PM

Anyone who doesn't love Lucy can save it. I wish she was my tour wife.

Like an Umbrella on April 4, 2012 at 6:50 AM

Best chick flick to get over a break up: Silence of the Lambs. All men are evil and most women are badasses taking them out or escaping their evil clutches.

Washington Outsider on April 4, 2012 at 7:04 AM

Why did they totally blow off the gay guy who was having trouble getting over his breakup with a great guy? While I am perfectly happy to hear the advice given to "get back together and try harder this time," and would like to hear it more often, I was surprised that they didn't at least play lip service to the standard issue Savage breakup advice: don't contact, don't text, don't see, don't be mean. Check back after at least a year and see if there's some friendship there.

Lucy sounds cute.

marmer on April 4, 2012 at 10:17 AM

The only downfall for me of having Lucy on this podcast is that Dan didn't begin it with his usual political rant -- my favorite part of the show.

Leishalynn on April 4, 2012 at 10:29 AM

Does anyone else see the irony in Savage U premiering AFTER"16 and pregnant"?Maybe they should switch the time slots,lol.I had to go to MTV's website to make sure the show was real.I thought The Stranger had made a clever joke.

chibby on April 4, 2012 at 10:43 AM

I would like to say that personally I love Lucy and am always pleased when she shows up on the podcast. I enjoy her quirkiness. Love the show, keep up the good work!

psychogerbil on April 4, 2012 at 2:50 PM

@32 I thought that sucked, too. They blew off the caller and Dan proceeded to have a giggly, intimate conversation with Lucy. Like...why even play the call in the first place, then?

bella28 on April 4, 2012 at 2:56 PM

I'm a little shocked that neither Lucy nor Dan suggested that the woman who is so nervous about laying there doing nothing while she's eaten out try 69ing! 69ing is awesome. Best of both worlds. It would be a nice warm-up before letting him go to town if she's that guilt-ridden about it. Also, Lucy is adorable. Love her.

kalea_lou on April 4, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Is it at all possible to expunge the word "like" from American English? Jesus waffle-making Christ! By the end of that caller's eventual non-question, I had started to entertain murder fantasies. English majors, and teachers out there, tell your friends and students that using "like" as a comma causes fiery facial herpes sores. Stop it! :-)

on April 4, 2012 at 3:30 PM

I think the furry equivalent of a glitter-bombing might be a critter-bombing?

HunterJE on April 4, 2012 at 4:07 PM

The thing I hate the most about the Lucy shows is not so much Lucy herself... Its that whenever she is on Dan turns into prattling doof.

Seriously, that banter that you think is so funny is anything but. I love the podcast for the advice not the chit chatty blah blah blah about how Lucy is straight and Dan is not. BOR-ING

IanSTL on April 4, 2012 at 4:59 PM

I'm a straight girl with a crush on Lucy; fuck the haters!

Rorita on April 4, 2012 at 6:23 PM

The episodes with Lucy are by far the worst, and, like #21, I cringed when Dan announced her presence at the start of this podcast, but I decided to give her another listen, and found the episode as bad as all the others. There's something about the way Dan interacts with her that's different from how he interacts with other guests, and it's not good. And, as others have said, she adds absolutely nothing, and the advice callers get when their calls are on shows featuring Lucy tends to suffer.

Dingo on April 4, 2012 at 10:19 PM

RE: Furries I think part of the problem is the issue of cleanliness. Can you wash those costumes? I'm grossed out by thinking of playing with sex toys equivalents or undies that are "dry clean only" and I imagine their costumes not dry cleaned very often (or at all) in practice.
That fact squigs me out far more that the hypothetical bestiality angle.

fotoeve on April 5, 2012 at 2:11 AM

I wanted to add that Lucy's relative youth and inexperience in contrast to Dan (who has heard it all) is charming from time to time.
I Like Lucy (Not Love, but Like) on occasion.

fotoeve on April 5, 2012 at 2:17 AM

For the woman who has trouble reaching orgasming during oral sex: I am a straight married woman with terrific sexual chemistry with my husband, but I also have trouble getting to the edge during oral sex. In fact, it's only ever happened a few times in our 6 years together. But... so what? Part of the problem that I have (and that I suspect the caller has, given her regularity with masturbation) is that my hands can rub my clit a lot harder than my husband's tongue, which has conditioned me to be less sensitive to his tongue. I'm very surprised that neither Dan nor Lucy brought this up, but just like getting over any kind of conditioning, STOP masturbating or getting off any other way, at least temporarily, and only allow yourself to receive oral sex until you actually achieve orgasm. I think at some point your body will be so desperate for an orgasm that you'll actually just come. And if you're self conscious about not doing anything for him, either 69 (great idea #37) or have him tie you up.

But, again... I also think this falls into the category of "not a big deal." There are lots of ways to get to orgasm, this isn't the only way, or even the best way, for everyone.

New York Liz on April 5, 2012 at 7:22 AM

I like Lucy too. Her enthusiasm makes up for her lack of experience. And I like hearing Dan actually bouncing things back and forth with a guest advice giver. I know he sometimes indicates that the Tech savvy At Risk Youth often give him feed back that we don't hear, and I always thought it would be interesting to actually hear that, but since we never will it is nice to hear a back and forth with others.

Of course the absolute best was Ira Glass. That was by far the best Lovecast guest spot ever. So I like Lucy just fine, but put me in the 'More Ira' camp.

Fortunate on April 5, 2012 at 9:46 AM

Dan, Thank you for addressing the stupid bottom/top issue. I'm a bottom in a relationship with a bottom. And I think our sex is great! I don't care that the majority of our sex is oral because I love giving and receiving oral! Unfortunately, in Portland, it seems the gay guys I know think a top/top or a bottom/bottom relationship is impossible.

on April 5, 2012 at 11:45 AM

I think I've turned on Lucy during this podcast as well, sorry, but I'll absolutely trade 3 or 4 Lucy podcasts for another Ira Glass.

Jareth Cutestory on April 5, 2012 at 6:26 PM

Dan't advice to bisexuals has been a little iffy at times in the past, but I think the advice they gave to the genderqueer woman is going to be disastrous if she applies it. College aged guys are the same as college aged women -- they are still forming their own sexuality and relationship persona. If this college guy wants a relationship, he wants to develop a 1:1 experience. If he didn't, he would just be doing the college thing and hooking up. Just because someone is a straight male, that doesn't mean they're into their girlfriend being with other women.

on April 6, 2012 at 3:08 AM

@ 49 Dan's been pretty consistently good on his advice to bisexual people. Which is to be honest about your attractions to yourself and your (long-term) romantic partners.

If the caller feels so strongly about wanting to have experiences with women, then she should tell her boyfriend. Either he would be all for it, and she could have does experiences and still keep the boyfriend.
Or he would not be, if what the boyfriend wants is to have a 1:1 exclusive relationship with her. In that case, they would probably break up and she could then seek out those experiences with women. Either way, she should be honest about her feelings to her boyfriend about it. It's only fair to both of them.

Buffy on April 6, 2012 at 11:10 AM

So, Dan. It's clear that you have a very porn-oriented stereotypical image of "frat guys." And that's understandable. But now that you're working on college campuses with your new show, it might be time to stop leaning so heavily on the familiar bullshit stereotype. As someone who has worked with fraternity guys for more than 2 decades, and as someone who is a gay frat boy himself, I'm noticing your "frat boy" comments more frequently. It's a disservice to the thousands of amazing young men who are in fraternities and who are nothing like the stereotype you put out there. On a weekly basis, I'm helping these young men deal with all kinds of issues, and frankly, they could use your help, just like all the other college kids out there. Just suggesting that maybe you lay off it a bit, open the mind. Yes, there are asshole frat boys. But, most are not that way.

TJDenver5280 on April 6, 2012 at 12:58 PM

First.. luv ya Lucy

As to the chick not getting off when a dude goes down on her. I hear you! I've been there! It took me a couple of years of my boyfriend going down on me off-and-on before I got off (admittedly, he was the first guy who got me off orally). I had to learn to relax and let him know when he struck on something that got me closer. There were a lot of nights of 'close but not quite' before we got there. But damn it was worth it! And it's getting easier. I think him watching me wanking off helped too, since he could see what my fingers were doing, which gave him some tips.

@24 - I've never gotten the kid association with furries. And I'm a furry, I suppose. I not into the suits and outfits, but I like the art and art-comes-to-life in my fantasies.

I'm not sure if a person into furry-art but not the fursuits is still a furry, but I would presume so. I dislike how every seems to assume that all furries are into the suits too, and that's just not the way it is. The suits kinda weird me out, to be honest.

bitmar on April 6, 2012 at 3:37 PM

Nice to hear Lucy again.

ASX on April 7, 2012 at 9:57 AM

This is the caller from the first story on this podcast- the chick who got dumped. I forgot to mention that we had sex on the first night and I was in favor of going emotionally slow. He was the one who pushed things along. He also took me out of state to meet family and showed me off to friends at most every chance.

I'm doing better now and I see it for what was.

Thank you, Dan and Lucy :) your advice rang true and I also know I don't have to know everything and all his motivations. I've got new life goals and priorities I'm very excited about. Thank you again :)

on April 7, 2012 at 2:02 PM

I experience the exact same variety of dumping about a decade ago, and naively thought it was a situation unique to him and I up until I listened to this podcast. I can't tell you how much it means to know that what happened in those three months was just standard human bullshit... and that he was simply an asshole and I simply got played. Why is that comforting? I don't know, but it is, so thank you Dan and Lucy, and thank you caller. I think I can stop considering that a wasted opportunity and start considering it a hard-won lesson.

CynBio on April 7, 2012 at 7:55 PM

Being single for me now is not fun at all. I am tired of not having that one person to be love by someone. I miss it very much. Listening to this podcast made me realize that I am not alone and that one day maybe I will find the one that will love me and care for me .

plentyofpleasures on April 8, 2012 at 7:42 AM

Dear Mr. Savage

Please relay to Lucy that to me, and apparantly many others, I really liked her on the show. She was fun, and, not that I do not like listening to a gay older dude (HAHA!!!!!) she brought an element to the show that made me feel it..in my pants like. Not in a creepy accidental-camel-toe-photo-on-the-interweb-jacker-offer-way but an I-would-rather-watch-Katy-Curic-than-Matt-Luare-say-the-same-words-way. She was fun, and while she was not practiced in your discipline, nor an expert like some of your other guests, she was very gilb and occasionally very insightful. Frankly I am shocked that a presumed new comer was so good. I hope that she ends up in a place where she can help people and those talents enrich more lives than the hosts of the shows she works for. I also hope that one day she is sitting in a bar I walk into with an empty seat and extra glass of scotch;). And world peace...yeah that sounds good.

on April 9, 2012 at 1:33 PM

@52 Indeed. Most people outside of the so-called "furry fandom" don't seem to realize that those furries who use fursuits are a small minority. The problem is, they're the most visible minority. What people don't realize is that assuming all furries have sex in fursuits is like assuming all gays are like the glittering drag-queens in a pride parade. Visible, yes; representative, no.

OCN on April 10, 2012 at 7:32 PM

I love Lucy!! She might be my favorite recurring guest on the show.

brendan on April 11, 2012 at 1:00 AM

I don't particularly like Lucy but I don't hate her either. She kindaaa strikes me as vapid and annoying. Maybe I just don't like her advice/perspective. I think the level of Lucy on the show is enough, though.

shurenka on April 12, 2012 at 3:51 AM

Dan says his show is MTV's first 'non music, non music video themed programming'? Are you fucking kidding me? Have you watched MTV in the last TEN YEARS? Have you heard of 'The Real World? It's the non music, non music video themed programming that started a genre of cheaply produced shows that SavageU is clearly apart of??? Out of touch anyone?

bigd on April 12, 2012 at 2:10 PM

I wonder if this episode was a good one? I'll never know, because I deleted it from my ipod the moment I heard Lucy's voice. In addition to her annoying laugh, she adds so little. And she brings you down, Dan. She distracts you from your normally entertaining self and the show just becomes stupid banter between Lucy and you. It is your show and you can have whoever you want on it, but people like me may miss out on some good advice when we hit the delete button...

jtop855 on April 13, 2012 at 12:17 AM

@bigd apparently sarcasm is new to you. Dan was being extremely sarcastic with that comment. On another note...does anyone even know what Lucy looks like?

mars81 on April 13, 2012 at 6:44 AM

@ mar81 I follow Dan on twitter and he has tweeted her pic. Here is her tweeter page. https://twitter.com/#!/lucyplace

Buffy on April 13, 2012 at 11:40 AM

Dear Dan and Lucy,

I love Lucy. More Lucy please! Don't let the haters get you down, I think she is great.

xx

on April 13, 2012 at 10:40 PM

@61 - thanks for the twitter link. I'm a Lucy fan and I've kind of been wondering what she looks like. Not annoying at all, and very cute! She might not be as sage/experienced as Dan is, but her responses seem pretty genuine, and it's nice to hear what women think from one.

AFinch on April 14, 2012 at 12:35 PM

I think Lucy sounds adorable and really like the episodes she's in :)

on April 17, 2012 at 7:54 AM

I had a similar experience to the first caller.I dated a guy that was in the army.It was a long distance relationship however.(We met on a certain online game that Dan Savage hates). We dated for nearly a year.In that time we grew really close and even managed to fit a visit or two in.Everything was cool until it got close to his time in the army was coming to a close.Suddenly,he became more distant,more mean,and suddenly "busier with fellow troops" After I hadn't heard from him for like a week or so it became clear we were done.He didn't even bother to break it off.I suspect he had a girl back home he was returning to.
I'm going to start out by saying not all guys in "the service" are bad,I've got good friends and relatives that are in there or have served.HOWEVER, Being far away from home,friends, and family gives one license to be a shit without judgement.(think lord of the flies) If a guy treated a girl like shit while stationed in upstate NY while friends,sis,mom are in FL,who would know?Care? It's easy to treat people badly if you know there will be no long term repercussions. Especially in a organization that is choc-a-block full of young machismos.
In the end I'm glad it happened! I met my husband a year later and now I'm in a very fulfilling relationship. So,hopefully the first caller will find someone worth her time.My heart goes out to her.

chibby on April 19, 2012 at 12:18 PM

Hey, Dan.

I want to respond to the bottom boy who's into other bottoms.

I'm a power bottom slut. Love big, long, girthy muscle daddy dick pounding my guts to mush & ready for more.

BUT -
I also love hooking up with other bottoms.

I advertise in my profiles that in addition to hunting for dick, I like getting together with other bottoms into ass play or pimping each other's holes out / getting fucked together. I've been just as successful in bagging some ass as I have with the cack.

Fun way to mix it up & not limit any sexual experiences.

on May 3, 2012 at 10:29 AM

Savage Love Episode 285

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