Pullout Jun 25, 2009 at 4:00 am

My Nights at the Human Vending Machine that Is the Internet

How I Learned That Sometimes I Want to Date and Sometimes I Want to Get Laid

Dominic Holden
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Comments

1
I kinda love Craigslist. Yeah, the other sites probably dispense consistently higher-quality humans. CL is like that hilarious coke machine on E. John, with the mystery '?' button. Sketchy, sure, but it's just so great when you get something delicious! Lately CL has been dispensing attractive curly-haired guys with freckles. . .
Violet_DaGrinder on June 24, 2009 at 6:06 PM Report this
2
Talk on the phone first! And don't ever doubt your right to bolt-for-the-door. That said, online flirty banter is way more fun than real life flirty banter because you don't have to see peoples facial reactions. Manhunt is crack. Don't smoke it every day, and don't leave your manhunt page open while you're trying to do something else. It sucks you into a weird pixelated cock haze. Hours will pass by in minutes. Minutes! That is all.

on June 24, 2009 at 7:16 PM Report this
3
Talk on the phone first! And don't ever doubt your right to bolt-for-the-door. That said, online flirty banter is way more fun than real life flirty banter because you don't have to see peoples facial reactions. Manhunt is crack. Don't smoke it every day, and don't leave your manhunt page open while you're trying to do something else. It sucks you into a weird pixelated cock haze. Hours will pass by in minutes. Minutes! That is all.

on June 24, 2009 at 7:16 PM Report this
4
Talk on the phone first! And don't ever doubt your right to bolt-for-the-door. That said, online flirty banter is way more fun than real life flirty banter because you don't have to see peoples facial reactions. Manhunt is crack. Don't smoke it every day, and don't leave your manhunt page open while you're trying to do something else. It sucks you into a weird pixelated cock haze. Hours will pass by in minutes. Minutes! That is all.

on June 24, 2009 at 7:16 PM Report this
5
Talk on the phone first! And don't ever doubt your right to bolt-for-the-door. That said, online flirty banter is way more fun than real life flirty banter because you don't have to see peoples facial reactions. Manhunt is crack. Don't smoke it every day, and don't leave your manhunt page open while you're trying to do something else. It sucks you into a weird pixelated cock haze. Hours will pass by in minutes. Minutes! That is all.

Steven Blum on June 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM Report this
6
(Hi, all. Many duplicate comments removed. Carry on.)
Jay Jansheski on June 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM Stranger Staff
7
Good rules, yes. But probably not 36x good.
wench on June 24, 2009 at 8:06 PM Report this
8
"That is all."
Christin on June 24, 2009 at 8:15 PM Report this
9
I think you should really get Steven Blum's opinion on this whole thing.
David K on June 24, 2009 at 8:20 PM Report this
10
How did this happen? How did this happen? How did this happen? How did this happen?
Steven Blum on June 24, 2009 at 10:42 PM Report this
11
Note to jealous straight guys who drink corn-dog Slurpees for breakfast and wish girls would be like this: Normal rules of "league" still apply.

Based on all the gay dudes I know, the normal straight rules of "league", in which any straight man who isn't a more successful and charming version of Daniel Craig will be waiting a very, very, very long time indeed for a woman to answer his ad for casual sex.

Anyways, bitch bitch moan moan whine whine. Lucky gays. Who needs marriage rights with that kind of ass available?
on June 24, 2009 at 10:43 PM Report this
12
er, should read 'the normal straight rules of "league" don't apply'
on June 24, 2009 at 10:45 PM Report this
13
why did this happen to me? why did this happen to me? why did this happen to me? why did this happen to me?
Steven Blum on June 24, 2009 at 10:49 PM Report this
14
okay...can i just explain myself real quick? sooo...i was on my iphone and i NEVER comment on articles, since i'm sort of employed by the stranger and all, but i just loved this post, so i commented. then i didn't see my coment. so i pressed send. again. and again. on my ipod. i guess i must have pressed it forty times (i was in class) and now my very personal confession is right up there alongside dominizille. i'm guessing it won't be taken down. this is the most hilariously embarassing day of my life. i am dying right now. this is better than the time i popped anal sacs. thank you, internet.
Steven Blum on June 24, 2009 at 10:56 PM Report this
15
wait, so if i get a manhunt profile, i can hit on super hot intrepid reporter dominic holden? YES

also, is manhunt like facebook in that whatever someone has on there is bound to get out to future employers given enough time? that's what always freaked me out.
Cook on June 24, 2009 at 11:02 PM Report this
16
Oh God steve, thank you, thank you for this win.

On a side note, I am srsly envy of the wonderful, consise and simple arrangment gays lay out. Its clear, its fuckable, and its done. I lament my incurable love of boobs.
on June 25, 2009 at 2:30 AM Report this
17
Well I was all pro-gay-rights, but this column has turned my opinion around. When a straight guy like me can get laid, for free, whenever he wants, then you can have your marriages and jobs and health benefits. Not before.
Greg on June 25, 2009 at 10:03 AM Report this
18
why hit on him when you can obviously fuck him instead?
steve talbert on June 25, 2009 at 10:39 AM Report this
19
I want to be a gay man! :(
AudreyK on June 25, 2009 at 11:39 AM Report this
20
I vote 40 master of internet commenting; that was funny shit
justicekid_2013 on June 25, 2009 at 1:19 PM Report this
21
In honor of this article, I got on Manhunt over lunch and ended up fucking a really hot guy. I mean, REALLY. Damn...

Thanks, Dominic.
Massive Attack on June 25, 2009 at 1:35 PM Report this
22
Dominic: Come over and let's have some fun! Yee-zus!
Prospero on June 25, 2009 at 6:17 PM Report this
23
Note that for the less young-and-god-like among us, there are sites such as:

silverdaddies.com
squirt.org
bear411.com
bearwww.com

and sites I used to find interesting but now avoid -

gay.com
gaydar.co.uk
m4m-world.com
MarkyMark on June 25, 2009 at 7:25 PM Report this
24
Muffin
Massive Attack on June 26, 2009 at 9:20 AM Report this
25
Oh, the bear sites. Getting hot hairy roundy-boys laid - by me, as often as possible - since the beginning of the internets.
turingcub on June 26, 2009 at 10:37 AM Report this
26
Well, thanks for insight into your world. And, may I say, if that's you in your avatar, then your damn attractive. So, don't sell yourself short, if I was a gay man and single I'd want to try dating you.
kim in portland on June 26, 2009 at 10:48 AM Report this
27
Thank you for the education. If that's you in your avatar, your lovely. If I was a single gay man, I'd be interested in meeting you for a beer.
kim in portland on June 26, 2009 at 11:18 AM Report this
28
Sorry for the double post, it took 30 minutes for the first to appear.
kim in portland on June 26, 2009 at 11:19 AM Report this
29
Violet_DaGrinder now you got me missing that old Coke machine with the mystery button. (This one just had a huge question mark). That's where the cool, exotic and sometimes experimental flavors that were leftovers from vending boxes on Hilton penthouse floors lived. I almost always got something really tasty.

Now, sadly, it's all Pepsi and Sprite; not even Dr. Pepper.
Uriel-238 on June 28, 2009 at 3:21 PM Report this
30
I'm really glad that I'll never make the mistake of getting in a relationship with you, Dominic, and many other guys won't make that mistake either.

I mean, who doesn't "google" the name of the person they are interested in?

Any good stock would be/should be scared off by actions like this that you just described for the internet, forever.
The Unspoken on June 29, 2009 at 10:19 AM Report this
31
Now all the world needs to do is expand this to include the rest of the nongay world. But glad you guys have your thing.
prompt on June 29, 2009 at 2:16 PM Report this
32
30: really? I always assumed hooking up online was pretty common. Almost as much as hooking up "IRL" is. At least, for queers [esp. gay men] anyway.
There's nothing really creepy about it; not any more creepy than going home with some intoxicated man you've known for an inebriated hour or two. And in our times, that's the socially ordained way of meeting a casual fuck, everyone's expected to do it at least five times.
a.james on June 30, 2009 at 11:19 PM Report this
33
I am waiting for my turn!
on October 22, 2014 at 5:17 PM Report this

Please wait...

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