Blame not the missing Heisman, nor the Olympic Silver Medals.

Remember that as you fail miserably.

You rejected your new heart. Fag.

This is where you kick a pretentious fuck who is down. Right in the face.

I just watched a completely insane moth for about 20 seconds before it killed itself on a fan in my kitchen.

To sum it up,

I got to know my father again.

Then he killed himself and, allegedly, some guy named Matt.

This is what my sister told me. I didn't believe the part about Matt.

I went to his apartment to look through his things. He had left me his only diamond hidden in the still unmelted ice in a somehow radioactive drink that I knowingly consumed half of, because I knew what he did.

So I had this beautiful diamond and I was looking through his messages when I woke up.

To those of you who believe in evolution:

Happy Father's Day.