You need to answer more questions about sexless heterosexual couples, Dan. That's much less boring than gay sex, as everyone knows.

You've never answered a question from me! Why is that? Wait... does that count as a question? Does that count as another? Oh shit.

Whew. I am so relieved to hear that the heterosexuals are alive and doing well! I was worried. I would encourage them to consider putting themselves out there a little more. What about a straight pride parade? Or perhaps consider frequenting straight bars. Outreach to straight youth would be another priority. Something to break the silence, shame and isolation.

BREEDER, Good riddance.

I think I speak for the large majority of Savage Love readers (including most of us breeder readers) in saying, more letters from interesting people with questions about butt-sex and unusual relationships, please.

Oh, and, Dan, if you could find another letter from a sister-fucker or a "straight" guy who eats cum in a porn jerk-off booth, that would be really cool. Those were two of my all-time favorite letters.

Oh, but no more letter about sounding. Those make me hide under my desk.

Please please run only letters from non-hetero people having non-breedery problems for the rest of the month. Just in case asshole #4--BREEDER--is still hate-reading.
Maybe only non-hetero letters all through February, too. Most of us can take it.

nocute @6: Seconded!

Funny, I quit reading regularly because I was getting bored of all the boring straight people questions and answers. I don't even like sex, but finding Dan's column in 1992 when I was just a young kid, I would use Dan's words of wisdom to navigate my way through the gay, bi, and straight worlds, to find out I just plain don't like sex, and never will. Dan's column helped me make peace with staying off the market if I have nothing to offer, and retire to a world of books and pet rabbits, where I am ultimately much happier.

I like to read the column from time to time, though, even though there is never anything for me. I will never abandon Dan. I can tell it's been about 80% hetero people stuff though, but wow, BREEDER missed that part of childhood about sharing, I guess. If an asexual woman can still gather enjoyment from reading Dan from time to time, what's their deal? Did they even learn about GGG over the years? Dan caters to all sexualities, asexuals included, and I get waaaay less Dan time for my demographic than BREEDER does. Good riddance.

Yeah, LOCKS, I'd take it easy on the lap dancin' while the family jewels are boxed up, that sounds like a recipe for a torn groin or worse. Use your words. I'm guessing that performers who grind for a living won't be too shocked to learn there's a little something extra cagey goin' on with the fire down below and will gladly adjust accordingly.

@ 9 - Extra cagey... clever!

I don’t have much experience with cages. I do have some with stripping and lingerie modeling, but only in intimate one-on-one-and/or-vice-versa situations. Tons of experience with hair, and I change names accordingly.

A recent experience with homophobia, real or otherwise, on a daily thread led to some of you articulating frustration with Dan’s recent line of advice. I wonder if that was LW’s intent as opposed to the statistically analyzed response.
ww.thestranger.com/slog/2017/01/06/24786….

Everyone is welcome to chime in with their own name for a newly recognized fetish defined as, “Getting off by annoying others in an extreme assholey manner for no apparent reason.”
I’ll start with ”Hunterism.”

Was anyone else's reaction to the badly monikered COUGAR's letter something along the lines of "aw, bless"? Such innocence, it's almost sweet.
COUGAR, if you're going to be having casual sex with multiple partners, you're going to encounter some variety. Shaved pubes and liking your asshole played with are about a 2 on the kink scale of 10. Read Savage Love, not just once, for some examples of the kind of sexual preferences you'll encounter on your journey. Have fun! (And use condoms!!!)

BREEDER, thanks for reminding us the homophobes are alive and doing well. We had no clue from the recent election that this might be the case.

@13 I know, right? This jumped out at me:

"He was very oral, unlike my vanilla husband."

BREEDER has everything turned bass ackwards. Typical. These heterosexuals, always shoving their sexuality in our faces. Don't those people ever think about anything but penises entering (and exiting and entering and...) vaginas? If we have to hear from breeders, why can't it be more straight anilingus, straight anal fisting, or stories about straight people snowballing?
Signed, horny bisexual guy.

Seriously, Dan, we can all see that BREEDER is a huge loss for you. Condolences, and keep up the great work.

I found the question from FAGS especially amusing in light of the fact that readers were encouraged to write to "Hey, Faggot" in the early days of Dan's column. :-)

BREEDER reminds me of those people who go to the T. Rex Cafe or Chuck E. Cheese and then leave horrible reviews because the place was noisy and full of children.

I certainly hope Breeder never breeds; we don't need more of his kind.

BDF @ 13
“badly monikered COUGAR”
Just wonder what should be the minimum age difference to qualify one as a “cougar.” What if this is the 65 yo estrogen lady from last week who’s now dating someone 20 years her junior?

BREEDER, we know you're kind are alive and well. That's why we have Trump.

@19 as a 35 year old man dating a woman in her 50's, I hate the term cougar and wish the term would go away. That said, I would agree with Dan that once your partner is past their mid twenties the term doesn't really apply. If a 75 year old woman dates 50 year old men, is she a cougar?

FAGS boyfriend seems to get off on some forms of humiliation (small dick talk) and so it feels like the shirtless dancing at the club on gay night and the wanting to be called 'fag' in the sack are all part of that - which implies that the bf sees something inherently degrading about being considered a homosexual man. That's a little worrisome to me - it seems like he has fetishized homosexuality.

BREEDER - in a lot of the letters you can change the genders of the parties involved without altering the fundamental nature of the conflict. Your inability to see this has caused you to act like an asshole. Something to work on?

@21 "It seems like he has fetishized homosexuality."

...and?

Are you saying that women who have submissive fantasies are worrisome, too, because their desires aren't politically correct?

Bravo once again, Dan the Man! Keep kicking ass and taking names!

BREEDER: Insert doofus hoof. So you ecstatically voted for Trump and--gasp!--are about to lose your health coverage provided by Obamacare, too? Good riddance. I have no sympathy for you or any of your ilk.
COUGAR: Um.....your current young stud is in his 40s? Even if you're 65+ you're really not like Mrs. Robinson. You're both consenting adults.
@19 CMDwannabe: Good point.

@11 for anyone not interested in going through the page source, they're linking this comment thread but the original link got mangled by the comment parser here.

I hope this one goes through properly or I'm going to look extra stupid :)

@21 liberal_liberosis: The term has sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, too.

I for one am proud to have reclaimed the word cougar. To me it's an older woman who is having FUN!

To me the key elements of a cougar are:
- Gotta be over 40.
- Younger men have to be a preference, not a coincidence. Liberal's GF would probably disqualify, if Liberal's age does not matter to her, and he is not just one of a string of younger men.
- The men have to be at least a decade younger. Perhaps this could be amended to "at least 25% younger," so that a woman in her 40s who prefers 20something men and a woman in her 60s who prefers 40somethings can both qualify.
- She takes the initiative. The animal for which cougars are named is, after all, a hunter.

Cougar is more of a state of mind. So, CMD, you're correct -- if COUGAR's intention is to enjoy her newfound singledom by seeking out casual sex with men significantly younger than she is, and she's obviously embraced the term, then perhaps she qualifies.

@26 BiDanFan: I like your definition of the term cougar! If only I could make that work for me. What I meant (@25) was that when I have been out dining with younger men--and not for any sexual hookup afterward---I have personally and unfairly had "cougar" branded on me in restaurants in a degradingly insulting way. Some diners have even had the sheer audacity to rudely inquire sarcastically if a fellow musician and colleague sitting across from me was my son.
That makes sense to employ the term to anyone dating someone 20 or more years younger, regardless of age bracket (i.e.: 65:45, 80:60, 48:28, etc.)

@1 Ricardo: First!
@5 dcp123: Seconded!
@6 nocutename: Thirded!
@9 DonnyKlicious: (Fourthed?) Anyway, LOL--classic response to LOCKS.
@26 BiDanFan, part II: It makes sense, that is, the way you describe cougar, because your use of the word is not meant as an insult but more of a rather flattering way to describe a vibrant woman fit and happy with her lifestyle.

Homophobic dolts like BREEDER, including my ex, exemplify my top reasons for choosing NOT to breed.

Auntie @28: Yes. It's seeing the positive (and what aspect of getting to date hot young men isn't positive?).

Who the hell are these strangers who are insulting you in restaurants? Why do they care whom you're dining with? These people are sad if they feel the need to make judgments about people they don't even know. If someone calls you cougar, just smile and say "Damn right, you should be so lucky."

@29: I hope you're sterile.

Also, please don't confuse cougars with paedophiles! Even if I'm 45 and my partner is 26, that's still a "consenting adult."

Auntie @32: Sterile, probably not. Sarcastic, almost definitely.

@31 BiDanFan: Thank you so much! Why didn't I think of that perfect retort, and why didn't dawn on me that jealousy could be a contributing factor coming from a frumpy, older diner?
I will definitely use it next time I am dining with younger male company.

@33 BiDanFan: No--I wasn't confusing cougar with pedophile. Pedophiles are after those under 18. There's a big difference. I agree: ANYone dating, under the ten-to-twenty-year age difference over 18 is a consenting adult.
@34 BiDanFan: Here's to purely acidic, flesh-eating, dripping sarcasm towards homophobes like BREEDER. Doesn't Dan do that well? @29 marilynsue: If that's the case, please accept my apologies for misreading your comment.

@ 35 - Yes, you should lie to them if necessary: "He's not my son, he's my lover." with a giant grin on your face.

Liberal @21, Maybe he likes being told that he is not "manly" in a traditional sense. I think this is the context in which unenlightened straight men call other straight men "fags" who would never say that about men they knew were gay. (Source: A bunch of dumb, but basically decent, frat guys I knew in college were ceaselessly calling each other fags in the late 80s. When they found out a couple years later that one of them was gay, they felt bad about it. They never said anything like that about openly gay men when I was around.)

It's not nice to call people fags or use "gay" as an insult, but I think when straight men do it to each other it is more often an effort to use fewer words to say "me more manly, me alpha, you beta, me penis bigger, all females want mate with me, not you!" than it is something said out of actual hatred for gays.

So, I guess my point is that you're certainly entitled to feel that straight men using the word "fags" are being assholes, but without more evidence I wouldn't assume that they're expressing actual hatred for gays, particularly not if they dance shirtless at gay bars. That sounds to me like someone with a complicated relationship with homosexuality that probably doesn't center on hatred.

@ 36 - Pedophiles are into the non-pubescent children.

Hebephiles are into pubescent but young adolescents.

Ephebophiles are into older teenagers.

Please do not lump them all together. Up until the 80s, the general consensus on ephebophiles was that they were lucky, not criminals (see: Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart, six weeks at number one and the biggest hit of its year).

Our standards have evolved, yes, and we now clearly enforce our age of consent laws. But psychologically, I think there's a lot of difference between someone who wants sex with prepubescent kids and one who has sex with a 17-year old.

And before you all start thinking that I'm advocating sex with the underage crowd, let me first say that I'm generally into men above the age of 40. All I'm advocating is the correct use of words and concepts.

Aunt Zelda
I suspect @29 was being sarcastic
Unfortunately OS platonic friendships are not that common, hence the assumption that there must be more beyond just dining, attending a show, or playing tennis. My experience is more with people at the same age, and I suspect it is even more prevalent if the woman is older.
I’m still surprised business in your area can get away with such a rude behavior as publicly labeling their clientele

BDF- How should we call an older man who is happily and successfully dating younger women?

CMD @40: That sort of man does not need his own label, because he is the norm.
And that's why it's so much fun being a cougar. As you know, any chance I get to do something that flies in the face of gender stereotypes, I gleefully take it.

@ 40 - "How should we call an older man who is happily and successfully dating younger women?"

Rich?

CMD @40: "How should we call an older man who is successfully dating younger women?"

President-Elect Trump!

Among the many, many things I will miss about the Obama years, it has been blissfully refreshing to go eight years without the single breath of political scandal from the White House. The Obamas came into the Presidency as a classy, decent, loving family, and they are leaving it the same way.

BREEDER's not necessarily homophobic, he could just be a self-centered asshole.

@39 Ricardo: Wow. I only knew about pedophiles. Thank you for enlightening me.
@44 Hunter: Wow---again. Like I need another reason NOT to declare Trumpzilla the Dick my 45th President of the Divided Oligarchial Corporate Police States.
@46 portland scribe: I'm still hoping BREEDER isn't my ex---he sounds SO like him.

@40 CMDwannabe: Thanks--I realize that now, however unfortunately after the fact.

Again, my heartfelt apologies to marilynsue (@29).

Ricardo @42: nailed it.
Am I the only person who read BREEDER as female? Of course there is zero evidence either way.

@22 Submission / dominance isn't the same as sexual preference. If you see being homosexual itself as a degrading concept, then yes, I see a big problem with that.

@38 makes a great point though - it might be more about masculinity than sexual preference. Being a fag is certainly different than being gay, and that would go along with the small dick comments also.

@BiDan - yes, I see the distinction and you are correct, in my case it is coincidence and not a preference. So maybe it's more accurate to say that the blanket application of the term to all women with younger partners bothers me. And to be fair I'm probably a bit defensive about it because for fuck's sake I'm 35 - I have a damn career etc. Good for you for having fun :)

@ 49 - Hugh Jackman has been at the center of gay rumours for years because his wife is 13 years older than he is. That's how stupid this double standard gets.

@ 48 - Thanks, Bi. Unless it's Leonard Cohen, of course, who a lot of my female friends would (understandably) have loved to date, and not for his money.

@ 48 still - I read Breeder as male, because that's my default assumption when someone whose gender I don't know says something really stupid. Now that you mention it, though, there is no reason no to think that B. might not be a woman.

Liberal @49: I saw FAGS's boyfriend's fetish as being emasculated, as well. In the gay world there are bears and there are sissy boys. FAGS clearly isn't identifying with the Tom of Finland type when he asks to be humiliated this way -- and clearly isn't homophobic if he's partying in gay clubs. How many submissive feminists like being called "bitch" and "slut" during sex? But I also understand FAGS's reluctance -- I have dominant tendencies and I still find it difficult to overcome my natural instinct to treat people with respect, even if humiliation is what they've specifically requested.

If FAGS wants to up the ante, she could suggest pegging him. Something tells me that would push all of his kink buttons.

By older man “successfully” dating younger women I meant attracting them not necessarily because of money, but rather intellect, creativity, nice personality, and the like.
Maybe Leonard Cohen’s style, as Ricardo suggested, though I suspect many would have dismissed late Leo hanging around with young women as yet another convenient fame-induced relationships.

Liberal again: Context and intent are everything when it comes to language. It's possible that these friends (or whoever) are calling you "cougar" and "toyboy" because they know it riles you. Perhaps instead of huffily responding "I have a career, I'll have you know!", you could defuse the insult by smiling and saying "Yes, I'm a lucky toyboy, I've got a sexy cougar." That might shut them up. Just a thought.

CMD @53: I would call such a man a silver fox, perhaps?

Bi @ 52 - "I have dominant tendencies and I still find it difficult to overcome my natural instinct to treat people with respect, even if humiliation is what they've specifically requested"

I feel the same. I was appalled (and unable to satisfy his request) when a black FWB I was whipping with my belt asked me to call him "nigger". I"ll gladly whip, slap, spank, fist, and spit or piss on (or in) someone, but there are limits.

@ 53, 55 - The point I was trying to make is that in reality, there are very few such men. When they're dating much younger women, it's usually (IMO) because they have something which impresses these women, whether it's money, intellect, being an artist, etc., and thus the relationship is more one of admiration (from the woman) and ego-boosting (for the man) than love.

The same goes in SS relationships. I know a few guys in their 50s and early 60s who have a bit of prestige in their field and exclusively date impressionable young men (former students of theirs, etc.)

I made an exception for Leonard because all he needed to seduce anyone was his voice. His other, rather numerous qualities were just icing on the cake.

@54 That's not the situation. People aren't riling me up intentionally. I don't reference my career and I never get "huffy" :) I referenced the career and my age before because I think it's odd that someone dating a guy in his mid thirties with a PhD would be considered a cougar in the first place. The thing that really bothers me is that people immediately assume that the relationship isn't serious. That's why I don't like playing along and making jokes that reduce the relationship to fun and sex because it's about a lot more than that. Sometimes close friends and family crack jokes about the age gap ("you're just using her for the sweet AARP discounts she's about to get") and if they do I laugh because they're usually funny and I understand that the situation is outside of cultural norms and don't expect people to pretend like there's nothing out of the ordinary going on. Jokes are fine - it's people who genuinely can't wrap their heads around a younger guy with an older woman as something serious that bother me. Most people we interact with, the vast majority, don't even bat an eyelash. But some people are special.

A typical comment when someone discovers the age difference (always when I'm there but she isn't): "oh, so she's a cougar!?!? ha ha ha". I respond with the same joke every time (delivered with a deadpan serious tone and lots of uncomfortable eye contact): "No, she's a human. Cougars have a much shorter lifespan than that and also, bestiality is gross." Any further comments get an annoyed look and something like "get over it - it's not that interesting."

The other flavor of comment I get is something like: "oh, so she's really doing well to get such a young boyfriend!" in which case I ask if that implies that I, conversely, am not doing so well. They usually stammer a bit, and I then say something like "I think we both feel like we are doing well in dating each other - that's why we stay together."

Finally there's the "why don't you date women your age?" question, which gets a response like "because she's not my age."

All that said ... hands down it's the best sex I've ever had :)

Liberal @58: "The thing that really bothers me is that people immediately assume that the relationship isn't serious."

Yeah, I can see how that would be a drag. I wonder if it's because she's past childbearing age, and they're assuming you'll want to find someone to father your children? Because of course EVERYONE wants children. (Oh, how I detest this assumption. See also: same-sex couples should be denied marriage rights because they're obviously not "breeding pairs," and that's the whole point, right? UGHHH.)

You're right, no one would make those sorts of cracks if your ages were reversed. It's a shitty double standard. But glad it's living up to the stereotype in one aspect :D

Re. Dan's reply to BREEDER: 65 percent hit's Kinsey's research right on the nose. If I recall correctly, 35% of the male population fall between 1 and 6 on the Kinsey scale. So statistically, Dan shows zero bias.

As a straight (scale zero) guy, I like reading about relationship/sex issues from 'both sides' of the aisle. Much like on-line discussion boards revealed to people that their private kink/problem was in fact shared by many others, it's refreshing to see that we all share these issues, no matter who gets our private parts engorged.

Everyone has said just about everything I could have so.... dan you just rocked it.

Bi @59 Yes I suspect that is the underlying assumption and yes, it's very detestable.

@14 I don't consider myself vanilla, but I also don't consider myself "very oral." Always get a weird vibe from men who self-describe that way.

@56 Yikes. No disrespect for this guy's fetish, but I don't blame you for being unable to do that.

@63 marilynsue: Whether you really are sterile or not, I acted impulsively--and again, apologize. That was a little mean-spirited on my part, especially if you are trying to conceive but unfortunately can't. I should have read the sarcasm in your comment [@29], and several commenters (@34 BiDanFan, @40 CMDwannabe, et. al) rightfully called me on it.
Your comment wasn't about you---I only saw the "...straight white people because no-one else really exists" and freaked. The filthy, putrid rise of Trumpzilla from the Manhattan sewers has me feeling deeply embarrassed to be both straight and white.

@66: I have been sexually inactive since my divorce, so I guess I'm more asexual and white. Trumpzilla really does make me feel ashamed to be white, regardless.

One....more......

Time!

@68 & @69: I couldn't help myself.

@43 Capricornius: Agreed. Bless the Obamas---twice honestly elected by we, the people, and not corporations, President Barack and First Lady Michelle, daughters Sasha and Malia--are a class act, and I, too, will miss them dearly. The Obama legacy leaves 8 years of cleaning up the horrific mess left by Bush / Cheney, restoring our economy, bringing affordable healthcare to millions among us who couldn't get proper coverage until now, and all without a single day of scandal. The GOP had to keep making shit up, so they built a doomsday monster instead.
Trumpzilla has been nothing BUT scandalous since Day 1 of its entire toxic campaign of lies and hatred, and since the most disastrously rigged-for-the-1%ers election in history, bought and paid for by the Koch Evil Empire---and even further tampered with by the Russians!!---all before even taking oath. It's an inexcusable national and global disgrace.

I strongly urge everyone who can participate in the Women's March (with or without pink Pussyhats---I'm lucky to find out that a local march is taking place in my hometown downtown)
to please do so on Saturday, January 21st. Most march events are starting at around 10 am, PST.

Liberal @62: Whoops, glad you got what I meant by "father your children."

DC270 @64: No one "self described" as "very oral"; that was COUGAR's review of her lover. I'm sure you've run across men using this phrase (though I haven't), and I'd find it odd as well. I reckon I'd prefer to let actions speak louder than words in that regard.

Griz: Congrats on the magic number this week!

I'm no expert on chastity, or whatever equipment a person might need to maintain it, but: Surely there's a device on the market that's flexible enough that it would pose no danger to an unaware lap dancer. Aircraft cable encased in silicone, maybe?

Lots of them, actually.

@72. Grizelda.. I'll be with you in sister spirit.

@72 BiDanFan: Thanks. I just couldn't help myself once I reached @68.
Now if only I could feel this good about hitting 70.
@75 LavaGirl: Thank you and bless you, Lava. I'll be thinking
of you when marching downtown. I really hope I can buy a Pussyhat
for during and long after the event. I'd wear it proudly.

I wonder if Hunter will be taking tomorrow (Dr. MLK Jr Day) off and we'll get his Week in Review on Tuesday, January 17th, instead?

LOCKS - Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all?
Yes if it could be a surprise. If it's not a good surprise, keep it to yourself. I'd say definitely if it's metal. You should respect the dancer's decisions and tip well, it's above par service.

COUGAR - I didn't want to ask him why he shaves, but I am wondering if this is common these days? Is there some "meaning" to it? And is anal touching now customary?
It's not about whether it's common or the right way to do sex nowadays, it's about 2 people having fun together. He shaves because he likes it. Maybe it's a hygiene thing, or a sex thing, or both. He really likes butt play. Does this stuff appeal to you? What do you like? Does he like it too? Do you want to explore the same areas in sex together?

FAGS - I feel guilty for using an antigay hate term while we're having straight sex. Is this okay?
I think it's fine to call your boyfriend a faggot for sex if he asks you to. It's not fine that you feel guilty. It's not fine to do it if it turns you off. Have you told him how you feel about calling him a faggot? (Or why you appreciate the small cock stuff?) You can ask him what he gets out of the stuff he likes in bed, maybe you'll get it, problem solved.. maybe he'll start to sound crazy and you'll have to rethink the price tag of this great sex..

BREEDER - STFU

I'm so tired.
LOCKS, unless you can make it into a good surprise for the dancer, leave the cage at home. Appropriate respectful disclosure and excellent tipping. Definitely say something if metal parts are involved.

@77 Philophile: You summed BREEDER up beautifully in a single anagram.
@79 Hunter: Good to read about your recent weekend jaunt to New York City, and that you enjoyed all its spectacular vastness (my brother tells me NYC = Seattle X 20). How was Central Park? 8 miles on foot---wow.

Savage Love: Week in Review, re: Clubbing----Tuesday it is then (I'm assuming Hunter is still recovering from possible jet lag from the 3-hour time zone difference).

After a LW re-read, ugh---BREEDER really does sound like my ex.
Whether he is not, good riddance.

Griz: Acronym, not anagram. An anagram would be the letters of BREEDER arranged into a different word. Like RED BEER.

@83 BiDanFan: Acronym--that's what I meant, thanks. I was in an anagram mood the other day. That's right; it's a respelling of another word, but using the same letters. I don't know why I so frequently get those two mixed up. I'm also terrible at pronunciations.
@77 Philophile: I stand corrected (see @83). You summarized that beautifully in a single acronym.
@82 marilynsue: I never had my tubes tied, but was lucky enough to dodge a lot of unwanted "bullets": amazingly avoided pregnancy during my toxic marriage despite overwhelmingly hostile opposition, bullying, physical and mental abuse. Classic VWs, music, cats, books, art, and good movies are my children, and I'm lucky to have them.

@85: Actually, Hunter, after BiDanFan's refreshing assessment, I'm now proud to be called a cougar.

@86: Add one classic VW of my own that is the automotive love of my life (to my list of family members above)--and bless him for putting up with a nut like me all these years. I have found my Significant Other---however in mechanical form (like Bugs Bunny in a Warner Bros. cartoon when Elmer Fudd tried to lure him with a robot she-bunny. Bugs ignores her at first, saying, "Ehh---mechanical" until she comes back and kisses him, and ---!!!! "So she's mechanical!" as Bugs chases off after the robot she-bunny). We understand each other's Wile Coyote quirks.