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Option 1: Get over it. It's annoying and a little bit weird, but dogs just want to be in their masters' vicinity. You can put down a dog bed if they try to jump up on yours.
Option 2: Take the time to train your dog properly, take them to regular obedience classes and follow up on your "homework".
Most people should be doing 2 anyway, but you can train them to freak out less when you're not visible.
Potential problem with option 2: sassy dog may chew things in annoyance.
LW3- “some sexual hang-ups I'd like to get past for the sake of my husband.”
You may be more motivated to do so if there is also something FOR YOU.
Anything sexual you want, but feel the past is withholding you?
It may only be my fertile imagination, but the way you make your men look at you and ask, “Is this ok?” could also mean something beyond just safety…
DOGIO – It's a dog for Pete's sake! Act like the Alpha leader of his pack and shut the little fucker out of the room for an hour. He'll get used to it. GET A BOOK ON DOG TRAINING. BTW, Nothing wrong with 15-day stretches of sex, but there's only a couple days window when you're likely to get pregnant. Generally, the best chance of pregnancy is when sex happens 1-2 days before ovulation. If you have a regular 28-day cycle, count back 14 days from when you expect your next period to start. Plan on having sex every other day around that time -- say, days 12 and 14. Keep in mind that having sex every day may lower a man's sperm count. http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/f…
ROUGH – Dan's right, get counseling! Anything that is still dominating your life sixteen years later isn't going to be an easy fix solved by reading a short paragraph on the web.
BTW, Donny: Thank you, too, for the reminder that daily sex may lower sperm count.
One of many reasons why I love Dan the Man and Savage Love: I swear, I learn something new every week!
"We are also trying to get pregnant and are having sex every day for 15-day stretches a month."
Who came up with this schedule? What was it informed by? Brooke Shields and Chris Atkins had a better mastery of human reproduction in The Blue Lagoon.
Ricardo's right: cheeky is good.
When someone is constantly attempting to make fun of you, goes on to describe you having sex with a celebrity while knowing you’re asexual, (last week’s #91) it’s not funny anymore.
It is abuse and you should stand up for yourself.
My additional thoughts on NOTHARD's situation:
- Could NOTHARD take ibuprofen or other headache medicine along with the Viagra to ward off the headache?
- Could he use a sheath? That might feel more intimate than other toys they've tried.
- Did Husband say NOTHARD could have sex with another man one time, or did he say one time that she could have sex with other men? If he's giving her a one-off hall pass, I'd be disinclined to take it -- one fuck will not solve her sex deprivation problem, and may, as Dan says, threaten their marriage, if Husband was being dishonest with either NOTHARD or himself about his ability to cope with that.
- If Husband actually is okay with NOTHARD fucking other men, how about letting him pick or at least vet the men, or having MFM threesomes? That way he gets to be a part of the sex too.
ROUGH: Your ex wasn't "not nice," he was a rapist. A statutory rapist at that (did everyone miss that she was only 14??).
My additional thoughts on ROUGH's situation:
- I hope all the men who think "it's not sexy to ask permission" have read this letter.
- ROUGH refers to their spicing-up efforts as "me tied up, blindfolds, etc." Is SHE the one being tied up? How about trying it the other way round first? Perhaps if SHE's the one in control, it won't be so frightening to her -- and seeing her husband enjoy submission may encourage her to eventually ease into a sub role too.
Utterly batshit.
This is the sort of shit that makes nonmonogamy look bad.
This is the sort of trap-laying RomCom bullshit that makes the participants look bad. She's a monogamist, and I doubt this is the only area where she intentionally doesn't communicate to see how her partner will react and then judge him for this information disparity. Because he should know what she wanted of him, not the rules she explicitly lined out.
There are many other suggestions and approaches you can find with a Google search, but please take into account that this is not just about Imposing Your Will but more about understanding your dog's mental state. Your dog's personality will reveal itself even more over the next 2-3 months; if you approach the problem from the standpoint of WHY your dog is upset over being shut out of the room, you will not only have a better outcome in the short term, you will also be setting the tone for the rest of your relationship going forward. Good luck!
For example, instead of having her husband tie her up, tie some loops of soft shibari rope, then the wife sets her self up in the bondage position and swivels her wrist to turn the rope over on itself (think like a tourniquet) until there is JUST enough tightness that she can struggle/pull against the ropes without having her wrist slip out easily. Then if the kink triggers anything all she has to do is swivel her wrists the other way, the loops open up, and she has her hands free.
As for blindfolds, use a magicians trick. Wrap a rectangle or two squares of cardboard up in a blindfold before placing it on the person. The cardboard will create enough stiffness that while it will look like the eyes are covered, the person with the blindfold on can peer down through a space below their eyes. Effectively, so long as she keeps her eyes closed she can feel like she is blindfolded, but if she opens her eyes she can still have some useful vision.
http://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2…
Anyone with more questions can always write me at EricaPSavage@gmail.com.
DonnyKlicious @3, your link is good info on how to find out reliably when to try to conceive. Charting basal body temperature over several months will give most women a good understanding of when ovulation happens for them, and examining one's cervical mucus every day is another good way to tell that one's body is ready -- thin, slippery mucus means you're probably about to ovulate. Learning to predict ovulation (and checking one's predictions by seeing when one's temperature jumps) -- very helpful for getting pregnant.
I sense buyers remorse for marrying a guy 20 years older. I hope I'm wrong.
I can see where my choice of words can be a bit deceptive, but control freak wasn’t on my agenda.
I attempted to steer ROUGH, LW3, to look into her sexuality and see what turns HER on, as opposed to doing it entirely for her husband.
She mentioned she is “still turned on by "Is this okay?" and eye contact during sex” and I tried to give her some ideas in regards to taking that further.
As Squidgie @ 13 wrote she may be more comfortable while in control and calling the shots herself, and it may also enhance her sense of safety and trust of her partner/s.
That's the amount of time that has elapsed between my better half and I having that awkward initial conversation about opening our marriage (her idea) and beginning to schedule first dates with potential outside partners. Sex with other people isn't even close to being on the table yet.
You're young, and you have plenty of time to make this sea change in your marriage if it really is how you both want to live.
Talk much, read EVERYTHING, think deeply, talk some more.
Luck.
In both cases it's hard to know how many persons actually internalize the narratives/values presented versus the fantasy. I'd rather discuss them separately and indepdently on their own (de)merits, responsible and "ethical" consumption etc. More or less harmful is a bit too apples to oranges values judgments for me to feel an answer would be useful.
To the romcom tropes, I will again endorse Crazy Ex Girlfriend's delightful, positive, and optimistic subversion of a person living life by these "rules".
The anticipation of their inevitable failure to achieve the movie ending, and how they either reconcile with reality or double down on their mistakes and fantastical ideas of how the trajectory of their life "should" be.
To establish a experiential baseline, I have some pertinent and very personal questions (not asked here) that I would ask of NOTHARD before I felt comfortable giving any advice. I am concerned about doing more harm than good (to the state the obvious, every situation is unique).
As Dan pointed out, even though you have your husband's permission you run the risk of blowing up your marriage if you actually use the permission. I agree with Dan that you need several conversations with your husband. Since he has already given his permission, I don't see how you can discuss non-monogamy with your husband in a general, hypothetical sense. Hopefully you have already had those discussions with your husband.
What is the nature and specifics of the permission (one time only, STRs, LTR, with (polyamory) or without emotional attachment)? Will he accept you taking a lover? Is anyone (in general or in particular) off limits? Will there be any restrictions (only vanilla PIV, no oral etc.)? I assume that absolute discretion will be non-negotiable. It is one thing that he to knows. Feeling humiliated is something very different. Will he want to know before and/or after, or DADT.
Like having discussions on having children, you won't really know how you/he will react until you actually have extramarital sex. Being told that you shouldn't feel guilty, doesn't mean that you won't feel guilty. Your relationship with your husband will change (for better or for worse), if only because I doubt that you will be able to disguise that you are no longer unhappy or disappointed sexually.
I wish I had answers and advice for you, but I don't. I do hope that things work out for you.
Please please please tell me these people you are starting to date are told on or before the first date that "sex isnt even close to being on the table"!
If not, you are treating your potential secondaries like shit... And will likely find yourself with very frustrated (to say the least) dates... For most people, particularly open/poly people dating is looking for a sexual relationship (not always but usually)...
It is one thing to go on a date and not be into them, it is another to both be into each other but you can't take it further because you havent figured the shit out with your primary/anchor partner.
*Don't Be A Dick*
Infidel @26: It's you.
CMD @27: Gotcha. So you think the "asking for permission" thing could somehow be turned into its own kink. We had the same thought: don't put her into the submissive role! Perhaps she'd love to see her husband groveling as she denies him pleasure. (If he expects her, a sexual assault survivor, to be GGG enough to submit, then surely he's GGG enough to submit too?)
Skeptic @30: "Run the risk"? Surely even asking means immediate divorce? :P
Tachy @33: I think the strap-on idea merits further investigation. She didn't specify what toys they were using; hand-held dildos are quite different from someone actually thrusting into you with a crotch appendage. It's worth a try at least.
Nartweag @34: Excellent point. Often times the couple are so focused on their own and each other's feelings that they forget their potential thirds also have feelings.
I get the sense that ROUGH would like to explore her submissive side. Perhaps she and her husband should read up on "sensual domination," and explore that aspect of D/s while leaving things like impact play and bondage for the future. ROUGH might also enjoy things like objectification play, orgasm denial/control, or DD/lg.
Skeptic @39: How naive you are. Many people who use online dating sites (Tinder in particular) indeed expect that the initial meeting will include sex. A swipe right means you're down to bang. Many men, particularly, get quite cross when their dates would rather go home and give it some thought first.
And what does husband think as his dick deflates, does he not notice she is unsatisfied. That she is twenty years younger and she still has sexual desire, and as she said oral just isn't enough. And why hasn't he thought to check other pills. Eight years is a long time for these two to just ignore the problem.
Not to be too confrontational, but... did you even read my actual comment or #28's comment that I was referencing?
2.5 years to get to starting initial setting up of dates, and "Sex with other people isn't even close to being on the table yet." I really am not even sure what that means time wise.
As to how many dates are required before sex? Clearly that depends on the people. I have my minimum answer, assuming all things are going well and they seem like a good match for me.
I look for a good match/relationship, I would want a boyfriend that I would be sexual with. I am not into hook ups (they just aren't my thing).
I don't know what a maximum number would be. But if I was told "Sex with other people isn't EVEN CLOSE to being on the table yet." frankly I would stay away. As a poly person I would see that as he has some more shit to figure out with his primary/anchor partner before I would want to see about dating him.
That being said, I would be livid if I connected well (including mutual sexual attraction) with a man and then later was told sex was off the table. Very much like the asexual LW from yesterday's SSLOTD, you really have to let people know.
I could not even begin to tell you how many dates most/average/ whatever unattached people take. I have been in my anchor relationship for 20 years... but again, the answer to that question is, everybody is different.
I was talking about poly relationships, so the question is sort of moot anyway.
@41... your comment makes me feel even better about my decision to stay off Tinder, as I am not into hook ups or sex on a first date.
I'm not on Tinder either, for similar reasons. I have had first-date sex with online matches, but those were rare cases where we'd spoken online, copiously, for months before meeting. Generally speaking, nah. Avoiding first-date sex is the best way to avoid post-first-date-sex ghosting.
LW wants full penetration, hubby can’t keep up, and medications give him headaches. I suggested he uses a strap-on which may not be that common in that context and also come with a possible stigma.
In SL we often read about a female-born strapping it on, which is also what I know. Maybe others who have been in LW’s and husband’s situation and have used a strap on in a strictly het manner can tell us if it worked for them.
Sublime @ 38
BDF @ 41
I want to empower LW to look into what is it that SHE wants from sex, which may have been taken away from her while being in an abusive relationship at an early age.
She seems to like the idea that others ask her if it’s ok to do this or that, and I wonder if she will be even more comfortable when she’s the one telling her lover what is it that she wants, knowing he is going to follow through.
While having sub tendencies can be triggered by a trauma, they also often come from a powerful position that allows one the ability to let go in a safe environment, which doesn’t seem to be LW’s current state of mind.
I think it will be refreshingly healing for her to realize she can also be in control. Of course I have ideas, but they may not suit her own situation and preferences. And if this is what she wants to try then she should move slowly, obviously discuss it with husband, and start experimenting in non-sexual situations first to see how they both feel about it.
“How about tomorrow evening you set the table per my instructions and serve me dinner?” followed few days later with, “Here is my laundry. Please fold it neatly and put it in the corresponding drawers.”
This woman isn't happy, eight years worth of not happy. Forget the niceties LW, and talk with your husband about how unsatisfied you are. He probably knows already and I feel it's selfish of him to have not brought up the subject.
Long before you started projecting onto other people in this particular comments section, I was in the process of becoming *actual friends* with the person I referenced above.
She, consistently as long as we've known each other, has *used her big girl words and maintained that going slow works for her as it does for me* because she isn't into hookups either! Further, she has been aware since get that this is new and we're figuring it out as we go along and stayed with it because she and I get along so well?
And, even if sex never happens, we'd continue to be *actual friends* for many years to come because we respect each other and value our friendship more than rubbing fronts.
So I ask again, where do you get off assuming that you know anything at all about how other people should conduct their own behavior? Because it sure sounds to me like you got played by someone who wasn't an honorable human being and have yet to get over that.
Way to turn a positive into a negative, Random Internet Know-It-All.
@41 While I'm not naïve (almost nothing people do would surprise me, including sacrificing their children (literally or figuratively) revolted by it yes, surprised no. I'm probablyNot naïve and I've always thought TINDER was a hook up site (where sex is the agreed upon outcome, but even then sex is not absolutely guaranteed) not an on line dating site. An honest query, Are you able to see the women seeking men profiles?
I had just returned from an evening out (a fabulous Italian dinner and a fine Argentina red wine) and felt cheeky upon reading something so obviously meant to be insulting. I, too, am glad to see that Hunter's comment @89 from last week's SL: Leftovers has been pulled.
An honest query, Are you able to see the women seeking men profiles?
You can never go wrong expecting the worst of people (my sign in says it all), that way it's a pleasant surprise (maybe) when they show "The Better Angels of Their Nature". I admit to being ignorant at times (clueless possibly), but being ignorant does not necessarily mean naive.
Lava @47: They have talked about it. They tried a few solutions -- Viagra, unspecified "toys" -- which didn't work. He's now suggested a stunt cock -- and who knows if this suggestion was serious; she's going to have to broach the subject and see.
Idream @50: Way to make a situation that many people have been in all about you.
Skeptic @52: I have never been on Tinder because it appears to be aimed at people who are (a) young, (b) mainly seeking hookups and (c) straight, none of which I am. I do know people who use Tinder as a dating site, though. There is a fine line if what you are looking for is dates that include sex. (My site of choice is OKCupid, and there are plenty of people on there seeking casual sex as well as LTRs, both monogamous and non.)
Griz @54: That's the beauty of the internet. You don't have to give the trolls any sort of reaction. You just click the "Report this" button and let the adults sort it out.
Skeptic @56: You do know that Ashley Madison is a site targeted towards married cheaters?
I have, in fact, gone on to have long-term relationships with people I've had sex with on the first night. Even married one of them. So dating and sex are not necessarily mutually exclusive. One may lead to the other, not in the order you might expect.
LW #1? Have you two tried cock rings? If he's able to get it up but it won't stay up, and all he needs is some help in the "blood stays in dick" department, that might help him stay up AND no headaches AND more PIV for you. And if it doesn't work, it's not an expensive investment.
Absolutely zero parts of my last comment (#43) is/was directed towards you. From your comment (#36) it sounded like you have been communicating quite well about you situation and needs with your potential partner. I didn't feel the need to address that clarifying comment.
I was, however, attempting to answer the confusing/ convoluted question (#39) skeptic had directed specifically at me. Which is why I answered with examples from my own life/situation. I started this whole thing referencing your first comment (#28) and thought it was necessary to quote that in my reply to the question specifically directed at me.
I have no idea why you are so angry, once you clarified your personal situation, I said nothing (certainly nothing negative) about your situation or you as a person. Stating how I personally would react to being told what you said/wrote (and I quoted) is not disparaging you or your clarified situation in any way.
To answer the bulk of your questions from your last comment (#50) I will simply point you to/quote the last part of bidanfan's comment (#35)
"Nartweag @34: Excellent point. Often times the couple are so focused on their own and each other's feelings that they forget their potential thirds also have feelings."
Have I been burned in the past? Yep.
I indeed used my "big girl words" but the man I had been seeing and his wife could not figure out their "big boy/girl words" with each other, and I got irreparably scorched (I wont go into details but it involves way more people than just the 3 of us. People that are incapable of using their "big girl words" tend to spread the shit around and it gets messy). That is one reason why I care how people treat their potential partners when opening up their relationships.
...And again absolutely no part of my last comment was in any way directed at you personally.
I am sorry if you felt it was, but it was not.
off pass it sounds like, occurred sometime, the LW doesn't say when.
He tries to please her and she doesn't tell him he doesn't because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. The Viagra, the toys, have been tried along the way.
So no, I disagree that they have talked in any real depth because the LW hasn't told him her truth.
Let's say she's forty five, your age Fan, it would be intolerable right? And she's put up
with it for eight bloody years. It's time she told him straight. He might be out of action but she's not.
Perhaps cutting the pill up would erase his headache, this they could try. i just get the feeling she wants a younger more virile man. She's done with sex with her husband, yet she loves him and doesn't want to lose her family. A discreet visit to a sex worker sounds in order to me. Husband might be glad to let it all go.
@58 slinky re NOTHARD: Good grief, Charlie Brown, why didn't I think of that??
Pure genius! Slinky, I nominate you winner of the NOTHARD thread.
Thank you, apology is accepted and appreciated...
I figured from the difference between the first and second comment to me, something got lost and you felt attacked/shit on.... Which is why I took the time to lay my thoughts out as clearly as I could.
We all mis read, misinterpret or otherwise assume bad intentions sometimes, particularly online.
I am certainly guilty of this as well.
I do hope your relationship(s) progress in mutually beneficial directions. :)
Seriously, slinky FTW.
anyhow, re NOTHARD: Hubby isn't testing you. He's going to great lengths to please you, his trophy wife: plenty of oral? Check. Drugs? Check. Toys? Check. Permission to get what you need elsewhere? Check. What more could he possibly say yes to? If your alternatives are 1) fuck some other dude and take a gamble on your marriage vs 2) never be sexually satisfied until you eventually get divorced and by that time are too old to find a man young enough to deliver the D. I mean, it seems like a small risk with a chance of a great reward, vs. a sure risk with a small chance of a reward. You do the math.
and @73: this woman has a family. Probably adult kids, she loves her husband and doesn't want to break up her family. I don't know where you get he's given her permission to go elsewhere. There seems a vague ok for maybe a one off that he may have said six yrs ago. We don't know the finer details.
She wants someone to, as you poetically said, deliver the D, and she wants to keep her marriage/ family intact. A dilemma.
Unfortunately, some of my best comments come a little too late.
Keep kicking ass, Terrence, and take names!
That wasn't her only point of vanity:
'So her permission to have a threesome "one time" was a test (one he didn't know he was taking) and a trap (one he couldn't escape from).'
It was also an attempt to get credit for being GGG without actually doing much (giving permission she thought would never be used is pretty low effort) and without actually being GGG.
'I urged my friend to take her boyfriend back—if he would have her...'
What did you have against him? Surely he'd suffered enough already? Or did you want him to keep paying for that threesome for the rest of his life? That's really cruel, especially when he'd limited his enjoyment of his fantasy for the benefit of someone who'd promised to appreciate his restraint, but didn't.
Ironically, if she'd written a Savage Love Letter before this fiasco, she might have figured out what she was doing soon enough to keep her man from triggering her vanity traps.
Intolerable, for me personally? Well, I'm a bit different to the LW. I find oral sex and toys quite satisfying. (I have sex with people who don't even have penises, remember?) That is not to say I don't sympathise with her plight. I think there have been some good suggestions, including different/lower doses of penis pills and trying a cock ring (Slinky indeed wins the NOTHARD thread). They haven't exhausted all the possibilities besides "stunt dick" yet, and if they do want to explore it, I agree that they should do so together, and s-l-o-w-l-y.
Lava @75: We've already established that Sportlandia either has terrible taste in, or terrible luck with, women (or both). She's described several instances of purely abusive behaviour which she takes as typical, and apparently does not call out, because she does indeed believe that that's just how "women" act. I've certainly never taken sex for granted either, though I can't guarantee Past Twentysomething Drunk Me never behaved badly when turned down ("behaving badly" consisting of wheedling rather than revenge gossip, but anything bar "gracefully taking no for an answer" is unacceptable). Don't date twentysomething drunks, might be a good rule of thumb.
And I agree that a once-mentioned "you can go fuck another guy" does not necessarily constitute permission. It might have just popped out when he was feeling guilty about not getting hard.
Griz @76: It's called "esprit d'escalier" and it happens to me all the time. Hence the habitual returning to threads ;)
Just don't see that NOHARD and her husband have a viable intimacy. To not deal with this problem for eight years, and why doesn't the husband show more concern for his own lack of sexual fulfilment. Unless he's done with sex. And if he is then the LW can, carefully as you say, seek satisfaction elsewhere.
If, as you perceive it, she wants to find this with her husband then she better bust out the candles and give it to him straight. Because continuing to be a sexual martyr is causing her misery.
In re: OKC, Tinder, etc: it's been a while, but I never expected or felt obliged to give sex on the first date there, if only because about half of the profile photos were taken ten years ago and from a *vastly* flattering angle. I was always under the impression that an Internet-site first date was more of a way of seeing whether the person measured up to their online presentation.
They have stated as such in the past.
We read and respond to the letter very differently Fan.
Happy Friday, everyone!
My theory: Who someone is publicly (or who they're willing to say they are) has nothing to do with who they are behind closed doors. I don't think it has anything to do with bad luck - I wouldn't put terrible just-got-rejected behavior past any of y'all.
(The relationship later on turned into a sexual one, and a damn fine one at that--which was one more data point in my pile of "guys who care about being good in bed" vs "guys who care about being good at getting girls into bed"; the best sexual partners I've had were all guys who had slept with ten or fewer people. Dunno if that's just me, but I did note it.)
And it's true, males don't share their stories enough, thank you for sharing yours.
The practical suggestions of trying other ED drugs/dosages and a cock ring are great (if a few years too late), but I'm sensing a general lack of enthusiasm for oral sex and toys. Have NOTHARD and her husband tried different positions for oral sex? I remember discovering one (I'd call it sexual geometry that didn't require an Olympic medal) in a porn mag that was awesome and couldn't wait to try it! What about oral and fingers? Oral and toys?
Nobody else has suggested this, so I will. What about having her husband fist her? No, it's not-a-dick. It's so much more that can provide an unbelievable experience. It might make her appreciate what her husband can (still) do for her, even without a hard dick. Sometimes, one has to rephrase the equation to get the best possible answer.
This woman is jack of fucking a guy twenty years her senior, trouble is, he's her husband.
LW, my husband was six months older than me and trying to maintain a power balance with that age gap was hard enough. I sort of agree with Sportlandia above.
You can keep this charade going for another eight years or twelve, then leave because you've grown to hate your husband, and by then it will be much harder to attract someone to deliver the D.
Or you can pull the plug on it. Become an adult woman who stops denying herself her adult woman needs. Be careful how you go and give your husband time to let this information in. He's a grown man, he'll find a way to handle it. If you guys proceed with love, it'll work out.
The reason I suggest sex workers Fan, is because I assume they look after their sexual health, and she needs to check this out. And it's just clearer. If she finds some young sexy men, gets all the power she wants to feel, then back to her husband and their love making will still have love in it. Husband doesn't lose out. And their marriage will survive, because she has stopped lying to herself.
Lava @93: Indeed, it shows that no gender has the monopoly on acting like entitled pricks.
I will say this -- not to excuse behaviour like gossip-spreading which is inexcusable -- but we of all genders are exposed to certain gender-essentialist tropes from birth, both through porn and romcoms, and most dangerously sex education. One of these is that men are always horny. Girls are taught that men always want sex and it's our job to say no, because we don't want sex for its own sake, it's simply something of value we should trade men in order to get something else that we want. Well, young women discover that the "women don't want sex for its own sake" bit is bollocks long before we discover the "all men always want sex" bit is also bollocks. Therefore, if a man turns down an offer of sex, either there's something wrong with him, or there's something wrong with her. My guess is that these young women, upon being turned down, were desperate to deflect the "there's something wrong with me" reaction by going to great lengths to make there be something wrong with you.
Sportlandia, have you tried dating more mature women, and seeing if they behave differently?