Can't imagine too many men would line up to get a giant needle in the dick no matter how awesome the resulting boner might be.

Yknow...Dan can be forgiven for not knowing this, but - women who have experienced PIV orgasms and other types of orgasms know that they feel different! To some women, the PIV orgasms feel better!!! So it's very dismissive of the person Dan consulted to tell the guy that the wife's postnatal loss of function is no big deal! It IS a VERY BIG DEAL!

It's all very nice to tell the women who can't orgasm through PIV that there's nothing wrong with them - which is true - but let's not dismiss the unique feeling of a PIV orgasm!!

And a lot of times the reason a woman can't PIV orgasm is because her partner is too focused on himself to create one for her.

I'd like to see THAT message getting out there, instead of advising women to just give up on the PIV orgasm.

Thank you.

I feel like whether through nature or nurture, I can only orgasm through penetration or indirect simulation. This worked great in an LTR I was in, but it's stressing me the fuck out with new partners who have different priorities (viz clitorally centric). It's a dilemma.

The letter made it sound as though the wife formerly orgasmed via PIV. Of course she could have been faking, as Dan suggests, but given the other condition of having the "constant sensation" of feeling as though she needs to pee, it sounds like there is something genuinely different going on and I would assume that those previous PIV-induced orgasms were real. The lw also says that this difference started since the birth of their "last child" (emphasis mine), which suggests to me that they've had other children and the wife was still able to climax from PIV. All of which suggests a trip to a doctor is in order.

It's not that it's wrong to not be able to orgasm from PIV, and I'm a big believer in being happy you got to the party however you got there (yay for vibrators; yay for cock rings and butt plugs; yay for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Think of how many more people get to enjoy sex since the mid-twentieth century and all its advancements than in all of human history preceding it), but if something has changed and they aren't happy with the change, and something else has changed that sounds like an actual problem (the sensation of feeling like she has to pee), it's time to get proactive about it.

Yeah #2!!!!
Also the thought of an injection straight into your dick sounds horrifying, but may be worth it. And, like training any hard thing (I'm a circus performer,) it would get easier and easier each time.

I think BRACE is guilty of some muddled think. On the one hand he says he wants a monogamous relationship, yet he worries about informing his girlfriend that he is bisexual because after he tells her that fact he will no longer want a monogamous relationship. As we know here, being bisexual doesn't preclude being in a monogamous relationship, so perhaps what BRACE means is that he only wants one woman, but that once he is no longer constrained by his now secret desires, he will want to explore sex with a man too. In that case, BRACE is practicing monogamy only because he is harboring a secret about his sexual identity, which he now feels constrained to act upon.

In any event BRACE, if you're attracted to men you should let your girlfriend know, and let her know whether you are still interested in honoring your monogamous commitment. How will she react? If OkCupid is a guide many straight women would not want to date a man who has had a same sex encounter or is bisexual. If your girlfriend is among that number than she wasn't the right woman for you, in which case you'll be better off in the long run.

@1,
I have never used it, but I have seen Trimix in action and can testify to the results. The needle is really tiny, and there was no evidence of pain.

@5 I may be a wuss, but back before there was internet-generic Viagra, (1998) I had to see an MD to get an RX for the blue pill. The Dr. told me about the option of an injection and I told him about my "needle aversion" immediately, and that moved the discussion back to the pills available. I have accepted the post-coitus headache and stuffy nose as the price of the "help" the blue pills give. I still cannot imagine a needle being used on that area.

CLIF: "Worrying about peeing during sex might be holding her back."
Dingdingdingdingding.
I wasn't sure whether Mrs CLIF felt the sensation of having to pee all the time, or just during sex. I find that sometimes the sensation of being turned on is similar to the sensation of needing to pee. I find Dan's theory that she was faking vaginal orgasms prior to childbirth dubious. Vaginal orgasms arise in the G-spot, which is an internal part of the clitoris. It's possible the stretching during childbirth has moved the location of her G-spot. (Were her previous births C-sections?) They could try different positions to see if that helps.

BRACED: If your girlfriend has caught you using dating apps "more than once," she already suspects you aren't as committed to monogamy -- at least in your head -- as you've let on. Why not suggest an MMF threesome and see how she reacts? That may be a good way to explore your bisexuality, but not have to do it behind your girlfriend's back. (If she reacts well, you know you've found the right woman. That is, unless she's like the gal who asked her straight boyfriend to kiss another dude and then harangued him about it for six months afterwards... but I digress...)

Sanguisuga @1: I know, right? I don't know what's more terrifying, the idea of a needle in the dick or the idea of a six-hour erection.

NewParrot @2: Good points. I would add, going back to the G-spot point, that sometimes the difference between PIV orgasms and not having PIV orgasms is plain old cock length. A guy might not be doing anything "wrong," his dick may just be either too short or -- believe it or not -- too long to stimulate just the right spot internally. Or it may bend the wrong way. This is why some women come from doggy-style but not missionary, and vice versa.

DC270 @3: What's the dilemma? Use your words. Tell them that your clit is too sensitive (if this is the case) or whatever and that while you appreciate your efforts, you don't get off that way. I bet they'll be relieved to know it's not anything they've done "wrong," and that they don't have to keep trying for 45 minutes!

Sublime @6: Great comment. It's possible that BRACED is bi-curious, and while he wants a monogamous relationship, he is agonising over the fact that, thus far, he has not had the opportunity to realise this part of his sexuality. Does committing to this woman mean giving up the possibility of cock forever? It's a huge dilemma.

@sanguisuga: Can't imagine too many men would line up to get a giant needle in the dick

That was my first thought, but then I'm often surprised by the horrors and humiliations men will endure in the pursuit of sex.

LW1, CLIF: I don't think LW was intentionally ignoring the CLIT in his sign-off. He was referring to the orgasmic CLIF that his wife just can't manage to get over any more, ever since the birth of their last child. Agree with others that it's only a sexual problem if PIV was her preferred method of climaxing, but even if she's OK with oral and toys, it seems like common sense for her to go checked out by a doctor to see what's causing those feelings of pee urgency with PIV.

LW2, BRACED: I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs and sympathy. You're facing a life-changing decision, and it's normal at big turning points like this one to feel paralyzed by fear of change and not having any idea of what your life will look like in the future. Let's face it, there will likely be a few negative consequences along with all the positives; life is like that. But I agree with Dan that you're making the right choice to come out of the closet and talk to your GF, and that action alone will provide a double relief: you can stop pretending to be someone you're not when you're with her, and you can explain your ongoing fascination with the dating apps. After you come out as bi, you will probably be curious and eager to try MM sex - and only you and GF can renegotiate mutually acceptable terms for your relationship that would allow you to fully realize your true sexual nature, while remaining true to your primary partner. Alternatively, you may both decide (or GF may decide unilaterally) that you need more sexual freedom at this point in your life than she is willing and able to give, and it's best for the two of you to split up for a while - at least until you know what you want as an openly bisexual man. But whatever happens, BRACED, it will be all turn out for the best in the long run, because you won't be hiding from yourself any more. Go ahead and take Dan's advice to speak with a therapist if you need more help getting unstuck, but it sounds to me like you're already on the path to a better future, come what may. Good luck, and congratulations on making the decision to come out!

LW3, PASSION: No way. No...friggin...way. If I were the guy, I'd pass out before the needle ever touched penile tissue. If I were the woman, I'd be racked with guilt for being the reason he felt that was necessary. Not to mention, if he's got a six-hour erection going after sticking a needle in his dick, they are damn well going to end up making full use of it - and turning every PIV encounter into a six-hour sexfest would be far too exhausting and painful for most mature adults, something they might come to anticipate with dread rather than pleasure. (Actually it would be exhausting and painful even for many younger folk, but we can muster more energy and pain tolerance when our bodies are at their most supple and our libido levels are at their peak. Because - sex!)

To sanguisuga (or anybody else): I can tell you from personal experience that the needle is quite small, and the sensation is very mild. (It's just a little prick - I couldn't resist.) On the other hand, the results are both dramatic and nearly instantaneous. Furthermore, you can adjust the dosage very precisely. I am lucky that I no longer need Trimix, but I recommend it without hesitation.

I consider a "vaginal orgasm" to be a clitoral orgasm that occurs while the penis is in the vagina.

I also wondered if the wife in letter #1 has the sensation of needing to pee all the time or only during sex and only during PIV. The lw says she can orgasm through toys and oral, so it's not merely being sexually aroused that makes her feel like she needs to pee. If it's only during PIV sex, it could be that she's afraid of losing control, or it could just be a distraction from the other better feelings.

If she feels the "constant" sensation of needing to pee also when not having sex, it should be easier for her to see this as a medical problem and therefore more unlikely that she'd be writing to Dan about it, rather than seeing a doctor. However, she's not the one writing; her husband is. So I am assuming that
a) this is a PIV-only and not all-the-time thing
b) she's okay with getting her orgasms via oral and toys
c) she's not particularly worried about health concerns or the feeling that she has to pee
d) this is making the husband, CLIF (whose acronym I also took to be a reference to the orgasmic cliff she can't get over), anxious and unhappy because
1) he sees it as a referendum on his manhood and his magical dick
2) he is lazy/selfish and doesn't want to have to put in the work of oral or toy-wielding without getting something back "for him" sensation-wise at the same moment
3) both 1 and 2.

I would also like to know how many kids they have, whether this was ever a (temporary) problem/condition in the past, and how recently she had the baby. In short, I would really like to hear from the wife!

Boy @14, that is one ba-a-a-a-d pun. Although weirdly appropriate! Thanks for sharing your real-life experience with this drug...but I still don't think I could ever go there, nor would I ever expect a lover to go there.

Hi everyone, I'm back !

The problem I can see with Trimix is that unless you're shagging your doctor, it might be a bit difficult to schedule both an appointment with the doc and a six-hour sex session immediately afterwards.

Hey Ricardo, welcome back! I think the Trimix is something you inject yourself whenever you want to have a six-hour hard-on, or else have your lover do it. Doc or an assistant shows you how to do the injection the the first time, after that you're on your own.

Cap @ 18 - That sounds awful (for needle-adverse people like me), but thanks for the info.

LW2 should come out to his gf with or without seeing a “queer-positive” therapist. He should also outline his vision of their relationship and what effect it will or will not have on their relationship.
GF should be able to make an informed decision based on that information. Is gay action for hubby is acceptable or has to be arrested? Is this something they can incorporate as a couple? Is there anything she would like herself?

From the tone of the letter I sense that BF is struggling big time and that his gut feeling is that gf won’t be accepting. It should not deter him and it’s better to come out now before marriage, house, kids, etc.
I should have followed my own advice years ago.

LW 3- needle phobia aside, who on earth would like a 6-hour erection?
It can become very frustrating at time, not to mention the likelihood of some pain and a more severe erectile dysfunction in the days that follow.
I assume there can also be a long-term damage associated with this type of treatment.

CMD @ 20 - "who on earth would like a 6-hour erection?"

Anyone going to an all-night orgy.

@Boy Next Door: Thanks for the report, hope you got your 6 hours worth!

NPD @2, To be fair to Dan, he was talking about the issue of not being able to come from PIV "alone" and did suggest using a vibrator during (PIV) sex. I don't think he was asking anyone to give up on having orgasms during PIV.

There are many ways to get off during PIV sex, but not 100% from PIV sex. It is essentially impossible to get my wife off without PIV, probably because her clit is too sensitive for oral to work (at least with my humble skills and she has no magic tricks to suggest and limited patience for oral), but she does get off during PIV pretty darn often, sometime with no clitoral or fantasy stimulation, but mostly with a little extra help, which can be her being on top and grinding her clit against me, very light touching of her clit with a finger while fucking her vigorously face-down, or rape fantasies/struggling/daddy talk while I pin her arms, often accompanied by the gentle touching of her clit mentioned above. The problem with the struggling/rape fantasies is that they also turn me on, sometimes (hell, often) too much.

To maximize her orgasms we'd fuck in some other position with no rape fantasies or dirty talk of any kind, then transition to her on top grinding against me to get her off (works most of the time, but not always), then transition to her on top moving vertically (works for me usually, unlike the grinding), pinning her down, anal, or something else that pretty reliably gets me off. The problem with that approach is that we both really enjoy the man-on-top sex a lot and, if I go too long without coming, I usually just don't come, although sometimes a break or a significantly different activity (usually anal) can work. And she hates it when I don't come and can enjoy sex without an orgasm, as can I. So, we usually fuck the way we like and she often, but not always gets off and I usually, but not quite always get off. From time to time if I'm trying to get her off by gently touching her clit during face-down sex and it just isn't working, we put her on top and it usually works for her, but often not for me.

I have been attacked here before for not feeling guilty that she doesn't come every single time or as often as me, but what we do is what she prefers as much as what I prefer and she has no magic trick that makes her come without PIV. (How do I know what she prefers? She tells me. Also, when I ask her if she wants to do X, which is likely to make me come, or Y, which is more likely to make her come, but possibly at the expense of me coming, she almost always chooses X.)

So, aside from a long digression into my own sex life, my point is that PIV+ can work. The LW is lucky that it sounds like oral and toys are pretty reliable fallbacks for his wife. He should try PIV+ (and something like a vibrator he can wear on his finger might work well for her, since toys do) and if that fails, switch to oral or something off to get her over the cliff. And, if she says she's OK with it, it may be OK not to insist that she come every single time. I know my wife doesn't like it when I persist in trying to make her come when the first couple of efforts don't work. The pressure of feeling obligated to come every time would not be helpful for her.

For those of you who have a non-PIV method that works every time for you unless a selfish man refuses to do it (BDF), not every woman has the same orgasmic responses or preferences as you do.

Oh, another PIV+ suggestion, we used to use: A vibrator up her butt during vaginal. That sometimes worked for her, but the vibrating pussy combined with the turn-on of penetrating her ass (even if just with a toy) often worked too well for me. Because of that and the fact that the preferred vibrator for that activity died, we dropped that from our routine. Oh bondage can also be the + sometimes.

@ #1 and others - I can weigh in on the dick injections.

I shadowed at a men's health clinic for about a year in which I witnessed about 40 of these injections given. The injection is actually done once at the clinic to get the dose right, and then the medication is sent home with the patient in a dispenser that looks sort of like an epi-pen, where it will be self-injected.

Demand was fairly high from what I witnessed, and none of the men seemed to be in any undue discomfort. Surprisingly, the men who were getting these injections preferred them to ED drugs, which I guess makes sense considering last week's LW and the side effects her husband was getting.

I asked a few of them how badly it hurt, but the needle is so tiny, and it extends and retracts (single use) in the same instant fashion as a lancet that people use to get a drop of blood for diabetes tests. As a result, the patients say they either don't really feel it at all, or they may feel the tiniest flash of pain at the skin level, which they then forget about immediately, thanks to the pleasurable erection and (hopefully) sex or a wank to follow.

Nocute @15: I consider a "vaginal orgasm" to be a clitoral orgasm that occurs while the penis is in the vagina.

With respect, then you've never had a vaginal orgasm. (Unless you are defining clitoris as the internal organ, not just the external one.)

There is a difference between an orgasm that occurs with external clit stimulation during penetrative sex, and a G-spot orgasm, which is what I am defining as a vaginal orgasm. I expect far more than 25% of women can orgasm when both their vagina and their clit are being stimulated.

I think your conclusions 1) and 2) about CLIF's motives are a bit unfair. There's a difference between accepting that not every woman orgasms vaginally and that that's not a referendum on one's "magical" dick, and being with a woman who used to orgasm vaginally, and presumably enjoyed it, and is now missing out on something you both enjoyed very much. I think it's okay for him to mourn that, and hope to figure out a way to get it back. We don't know whether, or how much, Mrs CLIF misses vaginal orgasms, because she didn't write in.

Ricardo @17: Welcome back!
I am now seeing where all these "sexy nurse" fantasies have come from...
(I too am needle-phobic, but this seems a good potential solution for those who are not.)

DCP @23: Believe it or not, I too am capable of having sex where I don't come, and enjoying it. That's pretty much what maintenance sex is. And as someone who has sex with women, I know that other women have different responses and preferences. But I defer to your expertise on how to get a woman off using a penis.

@9 BiDanFan, without over-sharing, I'd say that I'm very submissive and mostly vanilla, so I find in-the-moment talk to be simultaneously unsexy and also getting at some pretty deep-seated embarrassment issues. (Annoying because I also have a very high sex drive, both high SES and low SIS in the terminology I've seen.)

I find that I'm a lot more open over text, so that may be something I use to negotiate and override my overactive limbic system. ;-)

I got the impression that six hours was an atypical reaction. I don't see enough demand for six-hour boners for a drug that was intended to achieve exactly that result to be made widely available.

Go, Dr. Jennifer Gunter, GO!! You fucking rock (you knew that), and please feel free to take Trumpzilla and all its other fellow WRONG-wing neofascists down in flames. And make it bleed.

@23 this is very close to my own thinking on the matter. Maybe part of being submissive and preferring this kind of stimulation/this kind of play is prioritizing your partner's orgasm? /shrug

DC270 @27: Then don't say it in the moment. Before sex/after sex/during dinner, as Biggie suggested, tell your new lover that clit stimulation isn't your be-all and end-all. Or yes, send a text, or an e-mail, if spoken words are difficult. I do understand the embarrassment factor! But remember that these lovers want to make you happy, and they currently probably don't understand why their best efforts aren't making you happy. Give them a few opportunities to figure it out on their own, then in the third-or-so postcoital afterglow, tell them, "You're really good at oral, but I don't come that way. Feel free to focus more on the fucking!"

And now your turn to enlighten me: What do "high SES" and "low SIS" mean? I did Google, but those acronyms didn't turn up anything sex-related.

When I read a letter like CLIF's, I wonder about the substance of that couple's conversations about sex. If Mrs. CLIF were writing, we would know that this is an issue that bothers or concerns her, but this is from CLIF. And according to CLIF, Mrs. CLIF is happily getting orgasms through oral sex and toys. So I wonder whether a more honest appraisal of the issue,"I'm not feeling very masculine because my wife doesn't orgasm from my cock," and treat that as the issue.

I'm curious as to whether this sensation Mrs. CLIF feels occurs in all PIV positions, and what happens when they combine PIV sex with a vibrator.

In any event, if Mrs. CLIF does go see her physician, she should make sure that she see someone who is willing to take this seriously. One hears that many physicians lack a certain empathy regarding the quality of a woman's (or couple's) sexual satisfaction following childbirth. I suspect that would be all the more so when they hear that she's otherwise orgasming via oral sex and toys.

DC270 @30: I'm not sure whether that's a submissive thing. I had a long debate on Facebook (no, really? lol) with some self-described feminists who were railing against men coming during sex like it was a bad thing, and one point they seemed to miss was, hello, it's hot when your partner comes. So long as you have as well, or not, if you happen to have not necessarily been in the mood for a needed release.

BDF @ 26 - "I am now seeing where all these "sexy nurse" fantasies have come from..."

I can recall sexy nurse (or sexy doctor) fantasies being rather common long before ED drugs came along, though. Yes, I am that old.

@ 28 - "I don't see enough demand for six-hour boners for a drug that was intended to achieve exactly that result to be made widely available"

There clearly aren't enough all-night orgies in this world.

@17, @19, & @21: Ricardo!! Welcome back!! I thought I'd scared you off. Glad to have you back in the comment thread, mi amigo.
@20 CMD: "Who on earth would like a six hour erection?"
I guess anyone who believes a needle inserted into the penis for a particular orgasmic sensation and / or going on Viagra is worth the discomfort and possible side effects. Or possibly a Delta fraternity member from National Lampoon's Animal House, provided he's had enough beer.
I'm bio female so it doesn't apply to me, but I know I wouldn't want that.

Griz @ 35 - Of course you didn't. I've just had an overly long period of overly long workdays. Hopefully it stopped today.

Ricardo @21
Welcome back again. In reagrds to a 6-hour erection: “Anyone going to an all-night orgy.”
And how would your penis feel and function for the next few days?

BDF @ 26
“I am now seeing where all these "sexy nurse" fantasies have come from...”
I think the medical profession has been sexualized for many years now, mostly because they can see patients undressed to some degree or another (and very possibly some patients are eager to show.)
While in high school the drama teacher talked about different classic characters. One was Dotore, a horny male doctor who is likely to try and have sex with his female patients.
Just for the record, myself and the teacher never felt in love, we are not married, and I‘m not the one who got recently elected to the highest French office.

@36 Ricardo: I hope you received well-deserved time and a half pay at work as compensation for your Savage Love absence. You were greatly missed here.
@37 CMD (re your comment thread with Ricardo, @21, a 6-hour-erection and an all-night orgy): I would think, like the aftermath of a severe hangover, the ensuing severity of pain the next morning after the thrill wore off would very soon become intolerable and beyond imaginable.
And I've had hangovers. No fun.

BDF @26, Fair enough. I'll confess to taking a bit of a gratuitous poke at you there, but I did really feel like you (and some other commenter whose name I don't remember and about whose opinion I do not care) gave me a thorough thrashing in that earlier string based on incorrect assumptions about my life. I concede those incorrect assumptions may have been triggered by careless wording in one of my posts, but I also felt like I was being beaten up for the sins of other men.

At some point, as we usually do for the LWs, perhaps we should take each other at our words on our own lives by saying something like "well, if that's what's going on in your relationship,...." For example, I think many people who can't imagine enjoying what EricaP enjoys recognize that, as she has explained very eloquently many times, this is the kind of relationship she sought and wants to be in and, because of that, she gets to decide that it's not abusive. Personally, I find it hot and can imagine myself as the D man in such a relationship or as the s woman. Oddly, I find it easier to imagine myself as a submissive woman than a submissive man, but that's a story for another day.
In any case, I promise not to pick any more fights about that exchange or to poke you unnecessarily.

I appreciate your point about maintenance sex being a context in which sex without orgasm can be OK, but I don't think it was your intent to say that maintenance sex can never result in orgasm. It has sometimes for my partners who were "taking one for the team" when sex was initiated and it has happened for me when my wife or earlier girlfriends initiated when I wasn't particularly in the mood. It hasn't happened very often, but I have provided maintenance sex more than a few times and I usually come when I do it.

All the best.

@34 Ricardo: Not enough all-night orgies in this world? I'll have to think about that one.
Hmm....the last all-nighter I pulled was in college, in the computer lab, where I completed the orchestral score and parts to the third of five movements to my first symphony. No sex though. I did have a Ferris Beuller-ish aftereffect leaving campus and later the next morning, upon oversleeping and being consequentially late for my first class: "Jeannie?...is that you?.....I can't see that far........"

@25 aftertheafter: Thank you for sharing your experience of penile injections, offering further clarification and insight. As a veteran, I guess I hit the panic button at the mention of needles (think boot camp, with smiling corpsmen staple-gunning vaccines into both your arms on either side, simultaneously!). I couldn't help but wonder, though, about the intense sensitivity of human reproductive organs upon contact, no matter how small the pin-prick upon insertion.

LW1, has your wife tried to orgasm from riding you? No pressure on her bladder if she's on top, and she can manipulate the pressure on her clit. Dan suggesting she faked it before is a bit rude.. does he think this is some widespread practice by women? That we are all just a bunch of liars..
Hi Ricardo.

Like nocutename I would like to hear from CLIF's wife. We don't really have enough info to know if she misses her old orgasms.

I haven't seen anyone reference the fact that right before a G-spot orgasm many women feel they're about to pee. I would suggest that they put a lot of towels on the bed and maybe some large chux (disposable underpads) and encourage her to pee during sex when that sensation happens. If letting go of the fear of peeing coincides with a powerful orgasm, then that may have been the issue.

@43/EricaP: I just logged back into make the same recommendation vis-a-vis chux and getting Mrs. CLIF comfortable with the idea of just letting go and seeing what happens. If she actually does pee, the chux are super absorbent and easily disposed, and if not then she knows that sensation has a different meaning during sex, whether or not she actually has an orgasm.

CMD @ 37 - "And how would your penis feel and function for the next few days?"

We'd have to ask those who did use Trimix. I've never had a six-hour boner myself (unless you count the 8-year one I got when puberty set in). I've taken part in orgies, but since I'm versatile, I alternate, giving my dick a rest.

Griz @ 38 - I'm a freelancer, so no time-and-a-half pay for me. But it was worth it just the same financially.
@ 40 - I prefer afternoon/evening orgies myself, I'm not much of a night owl anymore.

Lava @ 42 - Hi Lava!

@15 nocutename and @43 EricaP: I share your curiosity about CLIF's wife. We don't have her side of the story. It amazes me though, how so many heterosexual men today are still so clueless about women's orgasms and the female reproductive system. Agreed with Dan: CLIT would have a more fitting sign-off, considering LW1's issues.

@45 Ricardo: I'm a freelancer, too, in music, but currently between gigs. But I'm hoping to change that very soon. It looks like I might be able to take an online program through the VA in Orchestration and Arranging for Film and Television. I have an appointment with my VA Voc-Rehab Education advisor, and things are looking encouraging for summer semester. What we do for passion certainly is rewarding, isn't it?

This g spot orgasm confuses me. I do know that an orgasm had while a hard cock inside is different and more pleasurable ( for me) than an orgasm reached other ways. Though self pleasuring orgasms seem to last longer, maybe that's because when I orgasm the sex stops.

@BiDanFan: I find the "vaginal orgasm vs. clitoral orgasm," "G-spot orgasm vs. other kind of orgasm," and "is squirt really pee?" arguments to be tiresome and impossible to come to consensus on. In the long run, I don't think it matters much.
But as it happens, I am aware that much, if not most, clitoral tissue is internal and is stimulated by something going on inter-vaginally. I just am not sure that the G-spot has to be involved--and I don't care to worry over the fine point distinctions.

As far as my points 1 and 2 go, all I have to go on is that it is the husband, not the wife, who is writing to Dan because she can no longer orgasm via PIV, and he makes it clear that she is able to orgasm through multiple other methods. Sounds to me as though he is the one who is more upset about this change, though it could well be that she just doesn't feel comfortable writing to an advice columnist and he does, or she has expressed concern to him and he has taken it on himself to gather information for the both of them; I could be a little hard on him.

On the other hand, he says her "explanation" for why she isn't coming through PIV is that she feels like she has to pee constantly, and the word "explanation" sends up a red flag for me, as if she were being questioned. "Why aren't you coming like you used to?" I can hear him asking. But I tried to think why it would matter to the husband how his wife got off, so long as she can still get off, and in view of the fact that he offered no reason (I really miss us coming together he might have said, or my jaw gets tired and I lose my erection making her come), I thought it might be more about him and his desires than her and hers. And if that was the case, the two biggest possibilities I could imagine were my points 1 and 2.

@46 -it's amazing how many heterosexual men etc-

That's what I found myself thinking when I read this letter. Well I really found myself thinking: How the shit are there still people (in current year) who write into places like Savage Love and are all like "help me understand my wife's orgasm???" Do they seriously not check in with aforementioned wife on what feels good/works? And what put in the time and effort to making it work, whatever "it" may be?

Truly this must be an anachronism, a blast from the past that slipped through the cracks into this weeks mailbag!

I don't think they are the same argument nocute.
The clit is just the bit we see, it all winds back into the vagina and there's probably a g spot and a z spot and lots of spots inside, where orgasm could begin. The clit is the main spot, don't think anyone disputes that, or do they.
The squirting issue seems to be pee because medical people who commented here months ago verified it. Really the only way to have it sorted is to get it analysed oneself.

See Fan. The troll stalking me.
dcp123 @39. Hope it wasn't me who got into a blue with you. I think I rather like your posts. Commenters signing off with numbers gets confusing.

I can empathize with CLIF's wife. At 50+, I am peeing more frequently,too, although in part it's probably largely because I'm drinking a lot more water and staying hydrated. After thirty-eight years of total monthly hell, four years ago I had a long overdue, much needed, and greatly appreciated uterine ablation. While my internal reproductive system is fine now (at least periods aren't the horrific nightmares they used to be), I would probably have difficulty with PIV.

LW1 and @23's concept of PIV-plus: THIS. I always orgasm during PIV, but not exactly from PIV. I come from my partner playing with my nipples while fucking me. How are we one column and 55 comments in and no one has suggested nipples until now? (Assuming this last baby has weaned.)

Yeah #2!!!!
Also the thought of an injection straight into your dick sounds horrifying, but may be worth it. And, like training any hard thing (I'm a circus performer,) it would get easier and easier each time.

dcp129 @39: fair point re Erica and I am sorry I overstepped the mark the other week. D/s is not the problem to me, it's just I've met too many men in my life and there's not a one who I would trust to not indulge his patriarchal training if he had total control over me.

re@57:Sorry. I think I left out a few commas.

@55 Fresh: I never had children.

Hi Ricardo! Nice to see you back again.

Tldr! Re: LW #1 - There was a time when I could reach orgasm during PIV, mostly with some clitoral stimulation along the way, and generally within 10 seconds of my partner. I liked that a lot. Sometimes knowing my partner was about to come helped me over the cliff. Sometimes knowing he had already come allowed me to stop holding back. Sometimes I was just ready, and he followed up. Although I was also happy to orgasm in other ways, or not to orgasm at all, during sex, if I had to pick one way, that would be it. It almost never happens nowadays, and I miss it. Not enough to write in to Dan about it, but I do feel wistful. My current partner rarely comes from PIV, and I do miss that, too, but oral seems to work well for him.

However, I still get to orgasm pretty reliably during sex, and he does most of the time as well, so I don't feel in a position to complain. Similarly to Mrs. Clif, I sometimes experience the "needing to pee" sensation, as mentioned by other posters above. It can be very similar to feeling sexually aroused. It does cause me to hold back some, and I've toyed with the idea of suggesting to my current partner that we try the towels and see what happens. I think he'd be game. Hopefully Mr. & Mrs. Clif can give it a try. If it doesn't work, and the sensation is unpleasant, then maybe finding a sex-positive doctor would be a good idea.

@14 Boy Next Door: How did I manage to catch @25 aftertheafter's comment and miss your helpful post? Shame on me! Thank you for sharing, too.
This is one of many reasons why I keep returning to Savage Love and rarely comment only once.

Ricardo @34/CMD @37: The "sexy nurse" quip was a joke.

DCP @39: We're anonymous here, so as far as I know, I've never had sex with you. Therefore any critique of what "men" may or may not do in bed is not directly based on what you may or may not do in bed. And if it doesn't apply -- if you're not one of those men who's making the particular mistake I or others am discussing -- then please feel free to ignore my advice. All my posts are based on my experience and anecdata from people nobody here knows; there's an implied YMMV with every comment. They're suggestions, not instructions.

"I don't think it was your intent to say that maintenance sex can never result in orgasm" -- It wasn't. It was an example, for me personally, of sex I can have without necessarily feeling the need to come. (If I do come, bonus.)

Ricardo @45: "I've never had a six-hour boner myself (unless you count the 8-year one I got when puberty set in" -- Ha! I have missed your wit. Yes, being over 40, I too want the sex to be over and me to be snoozing happily by no later than 2am, or midnight on a weeknight :)

Nocute @49: I acknowledge your conclusions 1 and 2 are possibilities, yes. As are your other suggestions (simultaneous orgasms; oral/toys being too much effort, particularly with the energy levels that result from multiple children). These letters always leave gaps, and I usually try to fill them in sympathetically.

After @50: Well, read DC270's post @3. She knows what will make her come; but she's embarrassed to tell her lovers. (Sorry for making an example of you, DC270.) The blame can't solely be laid at the feet of (most) heterosexual men for lack of caring whether their partners come. If their partners can't find the words to tell them, or worse if they are faking, that's hardly the men's fault. Less shame, more communication would help everyone. This particular LW has "checked in with the wife on what feels good/works" and is "putting in the time and effort" with oral and toys. He's talked to his wife; his wife didn't have the answer, so he wrote to Dan. (I do often wonder why many LWs are assumed to have not raised their issues with their partners, as opposed to having raised them but reached no solution.)

@62 amended: It's DC270's post @27 that is relevant to @50. Too many numbers.

Griz @ 47 - "What we do for passion certainly is rewarding, isn't it?"

I must say it's nice to read how much you're getting out of your passion lately. I hope things work out for the summer semester. As we say in French; Merde ! (and yes, that's a good thing)

BDF @ 62 - I did realize it was a joke, I just couldn't find anything funny to answer you. Sorry, I didn't get to exercise the "funny" brain muscle much the last two months (that's what happens when you spend your time translating contracts and the like: you lose the funny; I sometimes felt like Monty Python's accountant/would-be lion tamer).

Cocky @ 64 - I'm pretty sure that I know plenty of guys who, if they'd heard about Trimix, would desire precisely that outcome.

@62 - re: why letter writers are often assumed to not raise issue with partner

Because it usually ends up being a rare solution that can't be reached through communication and work? My take, in any case. I don't know why it seems a certainty that the LW has done all of the things mentioned, and if he has, it still seems like he wants to go back to the days of PIV and done, which leaves it at being more his problem than his wife's. Although I suppose that's why he wrote in the first place!

After @67: Wow, I certainly would never equate "she used to come from PIV" with "all we ever used to do was PIV." Nothing in the letter implies they didn't use toys and oral before, just that she used to (also) come from intercourse and now she doesn't.

I hate to break it to you but "she can't have an orgasm/she can't have a vaginal orgasm" is generally NOT solvable through communication and work.

And yeah... those problems that haven't managed to be solved through communication and work are the ones people write to the experts about.

I too would like to know whether this is more his problem than his wife's. Personally, I would be distressed by no longer climaxing through intercourse -- that come-at-the-same-time-and-collapse-into-a-sated-sweaty-heap-together magic -- but I can't assume she feels the same way.

@ 68 probably not enough info for either inference to be made. I was operating under the premise that LW was (possibly) being lazy) and you are viewing it from a different approach, namely that collapsing-coming-at-the-same-time sex is amazing and LW probably misses having it, which I would as well. Although either could be the case, I always appreciate a different perspective on things, so hats off and duly noted, aka thank you!

BDF @ 62
I was also joking when I wrote @ 37 “I‘m not the one who got recently elected to the highest French office.”
Please don’t tell anyone. Vive Le France!

CMD @ 70 - “I‘m not the one who got recently elected to the highest French office.”

And that's a shame. The next five years would be so much more interesting in European politics.

After @69: Congrats on the magic number!
With more than one kid in the house, if he is indeed yearning for less-effort sex, I think he has a reasonable excuse :)

CMD @70: Ah, I have tuned myself out of politics and wasn't familiar with the new French president's how-we-met story. Have seen a sad amount of older-woman shaming, which is annoying, given how many politicians have far younger wives.

I agree with the posters who suggest putting down towels or something absorbent and Mrs. CLIF not holdingbl it back. The sensation of having to pee feels a lot like the sensation of a squirting orgasm to me. To me, they aren't as pleasurable as non-squirting orgasms, but if PiV orgasms are what they are looking for it's worth a try.

Also, don't assume that nipples are off the table just because a woman is nursing.

@65 Ricardo: Music for me, is so therapeutic in addition to be the ultimate goal of my life's work.
However rewarding, I am still humbly trying to get some techno-kinks out, though: my fellow musician friend who helped me launch my website in 2013 is now earning his doctorate in Science and getting married soon, bless his heart. He called me up long distance to help restore and retrieve a lost audio file to the first movement of my latest symphony.
The online program I want to enroll in through Berklee School of Music might not be VA funded due to a technicality of being an over one year program, so I am scoping my options. I may have to dig into my own pocket if I can't qualify for VA VRE assistance after all these signs of hope. I hope to find out more soon and what I can do.
On to movements II and III soon.
Merde, mi amigo!

@69 aftertheafter: Congrats on scoring the lucky number!

The response to CLIF seems overly presumptuous. I've never met a (straight/bi) woman who didn't want PiV orgasms if they've already regularly had them with their current partner. Why all the "lol u idiot cuz of ur acronym (which I assumed to refer to being on the edge of cliff, referring to his wife's ability to not quite get to an orgasm) u must not know where the clit is" comment? It seems like an unnecessarily rude to comment to someone who states they're happy to get their wife off other ways, a basic GGG bro. I hope it felt good tho!

BRACED, you're basically out of luck. There are plenty of straight women who'd never, under any circumstances, be with a bi man, it's almost like saying you are a prostitute or heroin junkie who shares needles. I'm a little curious as to how different you expect your experience in a monogamous hetero relationship while being out-of-the-closet may be and what that means to you - you are already heavily shamed for expressing attraction to other women and your GF assumes you are straight; do you expect she'll be A-OK with you expressing attraction to other men?

PASSION: 6 hours. yikes. What if you like makin' bacon in the morning?

Dan is not really up on female anatomy Sportlandia@77 and did his guest even answer the question. Which was, are there any exercises a woman can do. His wife should know how to clench her fanny( pussy). That's the only exercise I know. Maybe she could go to speak with post natal groups. Or look up google. Why didn't the LW think of that?
I'm more offended by Dan suggesting she faked it. Yes, it happens, no woman would deny that. How often though. And with the man who she's breeding with? This guy sounds cool, his wife doesn't need to lie to him.

@78 my thought was that she potentially had nerve damage. You hear of tearing during the birth process - I have some "dead spots" on my body after various surgeries. I dunno.

Yeah, the faking thing seemed like an unnecessary pot-shot. Every woman fakes - even my lesbian friends fake orgasms. IVE even faked it before (as a guy, not coming during sex is only about 5% better than turning a woman down for sex), but he's reporting a change since having a kid. Suddenly she decided to stop faking it, replace that with a different lie about feeling like she needs to pee, all after having a kid; all while the husband was getting her off by other means? Occam's Razor wasn't nearby to Dan's fancy writing desk, I guess.

And honestly, what's wrong with a guy wanting to have a magic dick that delivers orgasm after orgasm to his wife? He's only going to cum once (or twice) either way, lord forbid a man want to be good at sex and be validated for it. Chasing the Big O can be an issue obviously but you can do that regardless of if your partner has already gotten off or not; or if you are good or bad at sex.

Another vote against Dan's advice for LW1 (even though I usually love Dan's advice!). To suddenly not be able to orgasm in a way that you used to be able to, that for all we know was central to their sex life- wouldn't that be a bummer?
It seems like Dan's answer was perfect for something like "There's something wrong with my wife b/c she doesn't orgasm through PIV. What can we do?"

I've had six births, Sportlandia, and it rearranges stuff, and I was lucky. I won't bore you with my baby making war wounds. Nothing changed enough to stop me from having orgasm during PIV sex.i can see why there is sadness this is gone, for CLIF if not his wife so much. She gets off so there's no problem there. I suggested she ride him. Or maybe doggy style, and he rubs her clit from behind, no pressure on her bladder in that position.
Fully enjoying sex as your own woman, can take a while after birth, and then it can be hard to
regig, motherhood and all. Maybe Mrs Clif, could talk to a therapist as well as seeing health professionals.

@81, ImprovQueen. We crossed over and yes it would be a bummer.

Slow thinker that I'm becoming, maybe doesn't matter the position, it's the pressure of the cock, which is causing these wanting to pee sensations. Yes, go see a Dr.
It may also mean Ms CLIF would not welcome a lot of PIV sex.

Hunter @ 80 - Really?!? We had a light-hearted and amusing discussion about a hypothetical, you took it seriously and now you "despair the group intelligence"?

Sometimes I despair the individual intelligence. I'll let you guess which individual's, in this instance.

Well, Sporty @77, I was going to come in with an olive branch saying that I agreed with your assessment of CLIF's choice of signoff and the failure of some commenters and Dan himself to understand its significance. (Also brings up yet again the question of how many sigcroynyms are coined by the LWs themselves and how many are written by Dan.)

But then you compared bisexuality to heroin addiction!?!
I'm just going to make like Carolyn Hax here and say: Wow.

Sporty @79: Not every woman fakes orgasms. Any time you write a sentence that begins "Every woman..." that sentence is necessarily false. (There's nothing wrong with wanting to get a woman off using your cock, but there is something wrong with not understanding that not every woman comes that way, and if she doesn't, it's not an indictment of your cock or your skill with said cock. Should women take it personally if they find themselves with one of the large number of men who can't come from blowjobs?)

Ricardo @85: I know, right? Post @80 wins the Irony Award.

Fan@86. I don't read that Sportlandia@77 is comparing bisexuality to heroin addiction. He said " it's almost like saying you're an addict etc", as in some women freak the fuck out if a man is bi. They react as if it was as bad as heroin addiction.

@86 & @87, yes, it was basically an over-the-top way of expressing "there are plenty of straight women for whom male bisexuality is an absolute dealbreaker".

Another thought, has Mrs. CLIF tried kegels? They definitely help vaginas recover their strength and control.

Wanted to put in a plug for my book, The Orgasmic Diet. Women can have two separate kinds of orgasms, clitoral and vaginal. Some few women are able to have clitoral orgasms through PIV alone, but they are rare. Vaginal orgasms need the right balance of neurotransmitters, hormones, and PC muscle strength.

To respond to CLIF, if your wife was having vaginal orgasms (as opposed to clitoral orgasms from PIV) before pregnancy, her hormones and/or PC muscle strength may have been thrown off. Also if she is currently nursing, absolutely her hormones will be thrown off--Mother Nature's birth control.

Alternately she may actually be on the cusp of gaining ejaculatory ability, which is why she is getting the feeling like she has to pee. My book also discusses that aspect.

@55 You are correct as to nipple sensation. The only time (and I mean the ONLY time) I can play with miss N's boobs is when she is close to orgasm, and then it is an absolute requirement. She even talks about what she wants done with them and talks about this during the act which is not S.O.P. for her. WE do not have sex frequently anymore, but when we do this is my favorite (well, second favorite) part of our lovemaking.

Lava @87/RE @88: Well, wouldn't it have been a lot less offensive to say "there are plenty of straight women for whom male bisexuality is an absolute dealbreaker"?

Another futile attempt to force another annoying side conversation resulted in yet another insightful post by Ricardo.

@86 more damning than the acronym itself is Dan's assertion that it says anything about his abilities as a lover. It's the "Does John Kerry Look French" style of journalism, that is to say, bankrupt thinking, active anti-knowledge.

I'm not comparing bisexuality to heroin addiction. I've asked friends if they'd be with a bi man. The answers range from "definitely no" to "hellllllll no" to "its ok for someone else but I'd absolutely never do it". I'm not sure I've even heard someone (small sample size alert) say they would. There's a broad assumption that anyone who has sex with gay men is likely to have all kinds of STDs, fair or unfair.

OK, fine, not every woman. But, in 2017, i tend to think of faking it as pretty normal and natural, like queefing. It happens. It's not awesome. but it's not a problem. You do you. And yes, I'm a member of the don't-cum-during-bj club, and most women take it VERY personally, despite how much I enjoy being on the receiving end.

@Sportlandia: it's almost like saying you are a prostitute or heroin junkie who shares needles

Did you just compare heroin junkies to prostitutes? As a member of both groups, I'm doubly offended.

@Hunter78: You can't blame us for being captivated by the idea of a six hour erection. It's like a super power. Just imagine the good you could do, and the lives you could save.

Hunter @ 97 - I suspect Trimix is the male porn star's superpower.

@95 I'm going to go ahead and diagnose you with an entitled, toxic/fragile ego. It's so bad, you don't even deserve to go to therapy for it. I hope they kick you off ACA and burn your birth certificate.

@92Fan. Yes it would have saved a little trouble if the wording was different. For one, you would have read it right, but then we would have missed @95's nuanced contribution which has now lead to threats of burning birth certificates.

Sporty @ 99
“I hope they kick you off ACA and burn your birth certificate” sound like some of the meanest curses a government bureaucrat can come up with.

I do think you are a bit hard on Sportlandia, Fan. Maybe because I have sons under early thirties, I'm not so surprised by how young men can get.
Tell me you're a young man Sportlandia, or my case is shot.
And we don't have many young men commenting here, and it's interesting to hear male perspectives from all ages. Not saying speaking truth to bigotry should ever stop.

That last sentence got mangled. What comes from posting @6am on a Saturday morning.
Not speaking truth to bigotry that should never stop, the point can be lost thou if the delivery is too harsh. And harsh feminism seems to be the response to the mammoth increase in the disregard of women's safety and independence, and it's understandable. The bile I read on line to feminist writers is frightening.

Sportlandia @94: The obvious solution is for bi men to date bi women. There appear to be more bi women than bi men, so bi guys are in luck. In fact this was the typical pattern I would see in the bi social groups I've attended: bisexuals would come to the group looking to explore their non-straightness, and end up dating bi's of the opposite gender. Go figure.

Lava, I'm 36. I don't know if that qualifies as young or not young in your book.

@bi 104, i do wonder if its actively true that there are more bi women than men. Certainly our culture encourages women to form much stronger social and romantic bonds than it does men, starting when we're young. Boys stop being physically affectionate to each other somewhere around age 9 or 10 (i'm not aware of a female version of the "bro hug" for example) whwereas it's not uncommon to see totally straight women holding hands, sharing a bed, etc; at any age. It wasn't always this way - I have a photo of my great grandfather and his high school basketball team, taken in 190X - the boys are laying over each other in a way that could only be considered explicitly erotic today. I can only imagine that increased awareness of homosexuality politicized homoerotic activity. I've heard Korean men are much more comfortable being socially physical with other men - I wonder if they have such an extreme difference in male vs. female bisexuality as we do in the US.

But anyhow, I suspect all that pushes men towards specific, narrower sexual channels; so you are either totally straight, actively bi, or exclusively gay. But then again, I also have a pet theory that men are genetically/biologically more inclined to specialize in things (thanks to not having to raise another human, which forces you to know many disparate skills) so it's not unreasonable to imagine that men may be more inclined to exist in specific, narrower channels anyhow, regardless of our current cultural 2Girls2Hot zeitgeist.

Any theories on why a bi person in a bi space would still be inclined to date cross-gender? Comfort and familiarity? I can only imagine people going to those groups are explicit in wanting to explore their bi side, and that most are coming from a place of effective straightness, so i'm a bit surprised as well.

@Sportlandia: Either I'm missing the joke, or you are.