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Readers Respond to Reconsidering In Toronto
September 25, 2008
Tools
Read the original column here.
I think you were hard on the lady whose first response was "What?!?" when her date suggested testicular sex. As things go, "What?!?" is a pretty tame response that might also have meant: What are you talking about! I am surprised and confused!
I'm saying it's pretty difficult, in a clutch situation, to have the first thing you say not be "What?!?"
If it was the guy writing, you would have berated him for giving up so easily. As well you should have! Imagine if everyone on earth gave up so easily! We would all be having heterosexual missionary sex without birth control.
Emily
I think you might have been too hard on the girl who said "What?!?" when the guy asked her if he could insert his testicles into her. My reaction would have been "What?!?" too, not because I think it's a shameful act or that it's shameful to be kinky or because I think it's a terrible thing, but because I'd be genuinely shocked that somebody had found a kink that I'd never even heard of.
Hearing you speak so casually about it, as if everyone's doing it, makes me think I'm more vanilla than I thought. But I hang around a lot of kinky people and have not heard of this. I guess I'd just like to say (a) this ball-insertion thing isn't exactly sweeping the nation the way your reply to her might have suggested, and (b) "What?!?" doesn't always translate as "You should be ashamed"/"I'm not interested." Often it just indicates surprise, after which there might be a discussion. But guys, in my experience, seem to have a harder time talking about their feelings.
Women shouldn't be expected to control a natural surprise reaction to an unusual kink in the middle of sex. Communicate, men! If he'd communicated with her—if he'd explained what he was interested in doing—and then she'd said, "You're a sick, kinky freak," then I'd say it's her loss. Right now I'd say no one's to blame but missed communication.
Big fan and so on. That said: Why the hell did you go off on that poor woman so severely? Yes, you're right—it would be good to be 100 percent accepting and tolerant and totally up for everything all of the time. But in what universe is that completely possible? It's ideal, but it hardly seems like the person writing in was downright "sex-negative."
She could've responded better, sure, But it's hardly the most egregious offense you've responded to lately. Being spontaneously unnerved doesn't necessarily have anything to do with trying to assert moral superiority or exacting sexual/emotional leverage or any other thing. I don't know if other readers will find this kind of dressing-down a little over the top, but it seems like a reaction to something other than the e-mail as written (or at least as published).
Puzzled In Brooklyn
Don't you think you were overly rude and condescending to Reconsidering In Toronto? If she was genuinely surprised by her partner's request, I don't think it is "establishing her moral superiority" to exclaim "What?!?" Yes, everyone should be open-minded and sexually adventurous, but can't a person just be simply surprised and taken off-guard, instead of the reaction having to be part of some social power dynamic? Lighten up.
Reader And Fan
I read your answer to RIT this week about the dick-shriveling power of "What?!?" in response to a request.
My comfort zone has recently increased with the help of a more widely experienced friend. I think I react well to new suggestions, but sometimes I need some time to consider what has been proposed. So I just say I need to think about it instead of yes or no, so far always followed by yes. Maybe this is a good practice, maybe it just works in the situation I'm in currently? Can you give some general advice about how to react to new suggestions that may make you scared, curious, and excited all at the same time?
Learning Exciting New Things
•••
They all can't be gems, people. And how many times have I mentioned the fact that I frequently write this column in an impaired state, i.e., in a bar, drunk, and/or stoned? Many, many times. That doesn't excuse botching my response to RIT—it only, you know, provides some context. Thanks to all for setting the record—and me—straight.
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2
Bah! I think Dan was right. If women are really as sensitive as they claim, then it ought to be obvious that a shocked response like "What?!?" to a very embarrassing question can send the wrong message. The failure in communication here lies with RIT, not her man.
3
I recently blurted out a "what!?" in the middle of sex, it's a pretty easy time to surprise the shit out of someone. I regretted it after, but it was certianly a knee-jerk reaction.
4
I think what a lot of people are forgetting about this, is not just that she said 'What?!?!?!'
She also went to all her girlfriends, laughing it seemed, asking if they'd heard about this act she thought was ridiculous.
Which, is okay, in general to run things by your friends to make sure you're not dating a psycho. But -and perhaps it depends on age of the people concerned - if one of my girlfriends came to me chuckling about some 'strange' fetish, as if it was a bad or weird thing, I probably wouldn't necessarily say 'oh, actually, I'm really into that, and it feels great.' I might simply mimic her response to it. Of course, I'm a huge hypocrite that way, but, I'm not one for ALWAYS sharing EVERYTHING with my gal-pals.
Now, if she had taken aside a friend, and confided something like 'Gee Suzie, Tommie said he liked XYZ, do you know how that works?' Then, definitely I'd divulge the kink.
The difference seems in the intention. The former situation, it's to have a good laugh at the crazy things boys say. The latter is actual curiosity.
I thought your original advice was good.
And, as for it being a knee-jerk reaction, well, yeah, of course 'What?' is a natural reaction. However, she really should have asked him for clarification. A quickly added "... Um, I just mean, I've never heard of that, and I don't understand." would be how one would cover up the 'what-bomb'.
She also went to all her girlfriends, laughing it seemed, asking if they'd heard about this act she thought was ridiculous.
Which, is okay, in general to run things by your friends to make sure you're not dating a psycho. But -and perhaps it depends on age of the people concerned - if one of my girlfriends came to me chuckling about some 'strange' fetish, as if it was a bad or weird thing, I probably wouldn't necessarily say 'oh, actually, I'm really into that, and it feels great.' I might simply mimic her response to it. Of course, I'm a huge hypocrite that way, but, I'm not one for ALWAYS sharing EVERYTHING with my gal-pals.
Now, if she had taken aside a friend, and confided something like 'Gee Suzie, Tommie said he liked XYZ, do you know how that works?' Then, definitely I'd divulge the kink.
The difference seems in the intention. The former situation, it's to have a good laugh at the crazy things boys say. The latter is actual curiosity.
I thought your original advice was good.
And, as for it being a knee-jerk reaction, well, yeah, of course 'What?' is a natural reaction. However, she really should have asked him for clarification. A quickly added "... Um, I just mean, I've never heard of that, and I don't understand." would be how one would cover up the 'what-bomb'.
5
Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo. The article was a great reminder that, especially in discussing our kinky side, an un-edited outburst can be really hurtful. Did any of these respondents identify w/ the guy in this instance? No. I bet 99.9% of the complainers are women, who are blind to any kind of hurt unless the victim is female.
6
I love reading the extra material in these fan-response collections, but this one was pretty weak... because, frankly, your initial advice wasn't bad to begin with.
8
I feel really sorry for some of the people leaving comments. Especially the 'I bet 99.9% of the complainers are women' commenter.
It's sad straight people can be so angry and agro with the other gender because, you know, they need them to get off.
It's sad straight people can be so angry and agro with the other gender because, you know, they need them to get off.
9
No offense to all the people who responded negatively to this column, but you don't know the full story and neither does Dan. You don't know what kind of a look she had on her face when she responded, or what the tone of her voice communicated, all you know is what she said. If she's writing to Savage Love about this, chances are she's probably feeling a little guilty about it because she knows she was harsh. I think given the limited knowledge he had, Dan was spot on. So quit preaching cause if your advise was that good, you'd be the columnist, not him.
10
I'd be interested in knowing more context. If this were a first-time hookup, then, absolutely, a "What!?" is understandable, even warranted--you don't pull out your ball-stuffing fetish on the first date. But if it's a guy she's been seeing for a while, then Dan's advice still applies. It seems that the situation was closer to the former than the latter, but it's not entirely clear from the original letter.
Conversely, while the guy who had his dick shat on while having anal sex is certainly an upstanding dude for being so cool about the whole thing, I don't think a freakout would have been necessarily a sex-negative, awful-character-revealing response.
Conversely, while the guy who had his dick shat on while having anal sex is certainly an upstanding dude for being so cool about the whole thing, I don't think a freakout would have been necessarily a sex-negative, awful-character-revealing response.
11
You know itsashame, I'm wondering what part of he Dread Pirate Westley's post told you he is straight? The most misogynistic person I know is a gay man and I could easily picture him saying something like that.
It's sad when someone makes sweeping generalizations like "straight people can be so" blah blah blah, when responding to one individual's post.
It's sad when someone makes sweeping generalizations like "straight people can be so" blah blah blah, when responding to one individual's post.
12
I agree with dan advice too... people do jump to the wrong conclusion a lot.. and it is super hard to just say something you want why being sexual with someone the first time or even like 5th
13
I thought Dan's original response was good.
People should train themselves to just act casually and not shocked if they hear of a kink they're unfamiliar with.
She may not have meant to sound disapproving of her boyfriend's kink, but it doesn't matter what she meant, it only matters how he perceived it.
People should train themselves to just act casually and not shocked if they hear of a kink they're unfamiliar with.
She may not have meant to sound disapproving of her boyfriend's kink, but it doesn't matter what she meant, it only matters how he perceived it.
14
Take a page from Carolyn Hax - I would say in the situation of a newly proposed surprising idea, her fallback "wow" could really work. Because in a sexual situation, "wow" could convey excitement, "what?!?" or "gee, never thought of that one".
"Wow" buys you the extra second to add "I never thought of that, tell me more", or "there's an idea - can I think about it".
Love the column, thanks for providing...
"Wow" buys you the extra second to add "I never thought of that, tell me more", or "there's an idea - can I think about it".
Love the column, thanks for providing...
15
Men - if you're having sex with a woman and you say you want to put your balls inside her, she's not envisaging a separate penetration. She's envisaging you keeping on going past, er, natural resistance, and putting your penis in up and over the balls. Which may not be anatomically impossible, but let's say it's highly improbable, even to those of us who have given birth. It makes you sound utterly ignorant of human anatomy. I would say "What?" too, and then I'd tell my girlfriends about it as a hookup horror story. If you're into ball-stuffing, you need to have a carefully-considered discussion of it outside the sack.
16
If women are really as sensitive as they claim, then it ought to be obvious that a shocked response like "What?!?" to a very embarrassing question can send the wrong message.
And apparently men are much more sensitive than they claim. If you guys are tough, a simple "what??!!" shouldn't make you go running to the hills. Grow up.
Besides, bringing up a kink in the heat of the moment is a shitty thing to do. The guy deserved to be slapped back, whether RIT intended to do so or not.
And apparently men are much more sensitive than they claim. If you guys are tough, a simple "what??!!" shouldn't make you go running to the hills. Grow up.
Besides, bringing up a kink in the heat of the moment is a shitty thing to do. The guy deserved to be slapped back, whether RIT intended to do so or not.
17
Look, whatever, none of this is a big deal, but until Dan's column last week, I'd never encountered this whole ball-stuffing thing outside amateur, hand-drawn furry porn on some particularly godforsaken corner of the internet. As a ciswoman, I have no testicles myself, and don't really know much about what acrobatics they're capable of. Dan made some important points in his response but I think the general readership was also right to make the case that he overreacted.
18
You can't necessarily assume the incredulous "What?!" reaction was all her fault. His ball-stuffing fetish is not your everyday, ordinary, garden-variety toe-sucking fetish that everyone has heard of before. Maybe he creeped her out by the way he said it- who knows?
If you have a wierd fetish, then maybe expect a little surprise when you drop the bomb...Maybe think about the best way to sell it, so that you don't get a "What??!" reaction. Like, maybe try not to make it seem creepy, so that your girl/boy-friend doesn't have to wonder if you are secretly an ax-murderer.
Besides, even after an initial bad reaction, maybe she would have indulged him if he had talked about it more and taken the time to make her feel comfortable. If he had given her a chance to mull it over, instead of putting her on the spot, maybe it would have gone better.
If you have a wierd fetish, then maybe expect a little surprise when you drop the bomb...Maybe think about the best way to sell it, so that you don't get a "What??!" reaction. Like, maybe try not to make it seem creepy, so that your girl/boy-friend doesn't have to wonder if you are secretly an ax-murderer.
Besides, even after an initial bad reaction, maybe she would have indulged him if he had talked about it more and taken the time to make her feel comfortable. If he had given her a chance to mull it over, instead of putting her on the spot, maybe it would have gone better.
19
I think the fact that she tells the story to her friends-- and they laugh at him -- says a lot more about her attitude than a "what" comment does.
20
Having had the "w" word thrown at me more than once during, before, after, near and around sex, i can tell you this much - gentle persistence makes all the difference in the world. if you can find the courage to say it, then dammit, suck it up and wait out the initial shock - ESPECIALLY if you introduce your fetish in medias res and not in a non-sexy-times situation - as i believe dan himself has recommended.
and yes, dread pirate westley, i'm a chick. if you have a kink, and you want it taken care of, grow a pair.
and yes, dread pirate westley, i'm a chick. if you have a kink, and you want it taken care of, grow a pair.
21
The men I've dated all acted as though their balls are were made of spun glass. Any time I'd try to play with their balls, they would visibly tense. So if a guy suggested something as ball-crushing as inserting his balls into me, I'd say -- you guessed it -- "What?"
Or, maybe not. Maybe if he prefaced it with, "I've been thinking about something I'd like to try - what do you think?" Which is, I believe, the considerate way to introduce a kink, not by blurting it out in a grindingly gear-changing way in the middle of a makeout section.
Or, maybe not. Maybe if he prefaced it with, "I've been thinking about something I'd like to try - what do you think?" Which is, I believe, the considerate way to introduce a kink, not by blurting it out in a grindingly gear-changing way in the middle of a makeout section.
22
I loved Puzzled In Brooklyn's sentence "Big fan and so on." That pretty much sums it up, right? Dan doesn't always have to be right for us to love him.
24
Very few things in this column suprise me - grandma jacking off her bird and the fart huffer covered new ground - everything else typically no. This was a new one for me and my girlfriends too. My response would have been "What?" too. It's not that it is too weird, I am just not sure how you could do it without a lot of effort. If you have an unusual kink,expect some "whats", they don't mean "no" they mean "what".
25
Well said, maggie818... being surprised or confused by an obscure fetish (especially when the idea is introduced in a less-than-smooth manner) is hardly a crime. But getting together with her girlfriends to have a laugh at the boyfriend's expense was just plain cruel, and that's where RIT deserved the tongue-lashing Dan dished up.
26
Well, I'm pretty open, but that would have been my response, too. Not "What?" as in "you sick weirdo, how could you think of that" but "what?" as in "is that, within the laws of nature, possible without exerting enough pressure to have you singin' soprano and beggin' for mercy?"
27
Uhh one other thing to consider is that they don't make "ball condoms." You can definitely get herpes or HPV/warts just like any other unprotected insertion.
28
My current husband (not my first) dumped a "what?!" on me the very first time we had sex.
Thanking my chosen Whoever that there was enough PERSONALITY there to keep it going...! But only eight years and a LOT of therapy thereafter is our sex life barely beginning to become something we can BOTH enjoy.
And guess what (surprise, surprise)? After all my years of self-denial it's finally HIM that's trying "new' things and saying, "Ummm, wow, why weren't we doing this sooner?"
Just sign me: Biting My Tongue in SoCal
Thanking my chosen Whoever that there was enough PERSONALITY there to keep it going...! But only eight years and a LOT of therapy thereafter is our sex life barely beginning to become something we can BOTH enjoy.
And guess what (surprise, surprise)? After all my years of self-denial it's finally HIM that's trying "new' things and saying, "Ummm, wow, why weren't we doing this sooner?"
Just sign me: Biting My Tongue in SoCal
29
cheers, dan, for taking occasional lumps. though i'm not sure that was strictly necessary in this case.
the downfall of our society is socializing for 12+ years in school strictly along age lines. based on the wording of her original query, i'll guess that all the girlfriends she spoke to were within 9 months of her own age. if she had a more diverse (in all ways, but certainly at least along age lines) group of friends, chances are that at least a few who were five to ten years older would have had something more useful to contribute than nervous giggles and an echo of her 'ewww!'
what a pity we burned so many wise women at the stake. so much was lost there.
(for contrast, my initial reaction was: gosh, that sounds like stuffing a marshmallow in a coin slot. how, mechanically, would it be possible? but dan's reply eventually answered those, so.)
the downfall of our society is socializing for 12+ years in school strictly along age lines. based on the wording of her original query, i'll guess that all the girlfriends she spoke to were within 9 months of her own age. if she had a more diverse (in all ways, but certainly at least along age lines) group of friends, chances are that at least a few who were five to ten years older would have had something more useful to contribute than nervous giggles and an echo of her 'ewww!'
what a pity we burned so many wise women at the stake. so much was lost there.
(for contrast, my initial reaction was: gosh, that sounds like stuffing a marshmallow in a coin slot. how, mechanically, would it be possible? but dan's reply eventually answered those, so.)
30
Until I read about it last week here, I had never heard of it.Or thought of it. I have had a ball fetish since...forever. Now we do this every night and will continue...forever. Dan was not harsh. He was "real" as always. This quality is why we read & write to him.Get advice from your Mom if you want sugar coated bull. I would like more ball suggestions.
I Love Big Balls.
I Love Big Balls.
31
As for the libido killing power of the the exclamation of 'What?!'.....if there is any action/position/prop/scenario that could possibly elicit this response, then one should discuss their fantasy before the things get heated. Otherwise, it's their fault if their partner feels alarmed.
32
I'm with Dan on this one. both men and women can be very sensitive to the way their partners respond to them -- come on, intimacy is vulnerable.
I didn't have the impression it was a moment of shock. she didn't for example, a few minutes later say, 'oh i guess that was insensitive', she didn't check to see how he felt, and she went and giggled about it with friends.
this doesn't sound like someone creating a safe open environment.
He took a risk and got snubbed.
I didn't have the impression it was a moment of shock. she didn't for example, a few minutes later say, 'oh i guess that was insensitive', she didn't check to see how he felt, and she went and giggled about it with friends.
this doesn't sound like someone creating a safe open environment.
He took a risk and got snubbed.
33
Only Americans or a Torontonian would shout "What!?" or "Huh"!? during a situation like this. Where is the cool and calm "I beg your pardon?" that the rest of Canada and the English speaking world would exclaim? Politeness is to sexiness as Toronto is to arrogance.
34
Mmmkay, first of all I am one of the friends who RIT mentioned. She asked 2 other people (at different times, so no we weren't all sitting around laughing at the guy) about this guy's request/comment and NOBODY, including me, had ever heard of it. I laughed because I DID NOT THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE. I thought the guy was just being a goof because he wanted more than making out and she said no and after asking for other 'favours' that she wasn't ready for, he dropped the nut bomb. So you wanted context, you got it. Until this came out I for one did not know that it was possible, and that's why my friend asked the questions. She wrote to Dan not out of judgement of this dude, but out of sincere curiosity about whether a given act was possible/plausible. I love Dan and everything, but I do think his initial response was harsh and undeserved. I'm glad that he's big enough to admit he may have gotten this one wrong in terms of ripping my friend a new one for asking a genuine question. That being said, thanks for finally clearing up the question and educating us!
35
i agree with most posters that dan's comments were a tad harsh (when directed at her) i think the comments he made about "sexual leverage" were interesting and in many situations definately apply, though from my reading of her letter perhaps not to her. as far as "miscommunication" "people should stand up for their kinks" and "guys need to talk about their feeling more" comments, i disagree. i think if anything, the original letter writer dropped the ball by letting the guy move on to "other things" without saying (ideally that same night, but certainly within the ensuing 3 months) "i wasn't weirded out, i'm just curious/confused, tell me more." the fact is the guy *did* share his feelings, and not getting a clear, readable response gave up, as many would, even those who do have the courage to talk about their feeling.
36
I have to agree with btf's post. I got the same "What Bomb" vibe that Dan Savage got when he responded. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I feel that what Dan wrote needed to be said, that we might all learn from this.
I do disagree with the guy who had his dick shit on by a drunk girl. The guy did the right thing by not reacting, and the girl's text message was an effort to start a dialog, if he chose to have one with her. It's his loss, if he chose not to pursue it.
I do disagree with the guy who had his dick shit on by a drunk girl. The guy did the right thing by not reacting, and the girl's text message was an effort to start a dialog, if he chose to have one with her. It's his loss, if he chose not to pursue it.
37
I thought you were right, Dan. It wasn't so much the "What?!" -- which anyone might do blurt out of surprise -- but the "What?!" followed up by silence.
Anyone might be startled by a new kink. There's no reason not to be honest about that reaction. But opening up about your secret desire is scary and vulnerable-making, and leaving a partner to just twist in the wind after a disclosure like this one is a mean cold thing to do.
Anyone might be startled by a new kink. There's no reason not to be honest about that reaction. But opening up about your secret desire is scary and vulnerable-making, and leaving a partner to just twist in the wind after a disclosure like this one is a mean cold thing to do.
38
It wasn't the "WHAT??" that made me dislike the girl. It was the fact that she ran and told her friends, and they all had a good laugh at the guy. This displays a horrid lack of discretion and class. And it tells us everything we need to know about this tactless bitch, including the look she certainly had on her face when she shrieked "what."
Yes, she feels superior. These types of girls always do.
I wish you hadn't said your advice was bad or "compromised," Dan. It was exactly what she needed to hear.
Yes, she feels superior. These types of girls always do.
I wish you hadn't said your advice was bad or "compromised," Dan. It was exactly what she needed to hear.
39
I dunno. To me, if that question was popped in the middle of something, my reaction would be, "What?" - simply because I wouldn't have known you could do that. I mean, even after he explained how it is possible, I still feel a bit of disbelief.
40
I dunno, I agree he was a little harsh on her, but think about it this way, she's going to think twice before blurting out 'What?!' when surprised with a new kink. Maybe if we all got berated a little for what are passable mistakes, we'd make less of them.
41
How about NOT 'surprising' someone _in the middle of sex_? You can't just 'spring' something on someone in the middle of the act and then be surprised that their spontaneous response isn't necessarily thoughtful/articulate/sensitive.
I think he may have gotten a very different response if he hadn't been such a scrotum and talked to her about it beforehand instead of just springing it on her.
I think he may have gotten a very different response if he hadn't been such a scrotum and talked to her about it beforehand instead of just springing it on her.
42
I completely agree with AxeGrrl.
You can't just spring a special request on someone and then be hurt if they're shocked or surprised.
Even a little prerequisite like "I have this fetish - would you like to hear about it?" would at least give her a chance to brace herself.
As well, sometimes people are just NOT INTO a fetish, even if it's presented optimally. So if you're going to lay it out there, you have to be prepared to get slapped down.
Sometimes, all a new partner needs is some time and space to think a fetish over before saying "yes" to participating. If he popped this idea at her in the heat of the moment asking if she will do it RIGHT NOW, that's unfair to both of them.
It sounds like if he'd brought the idea up in some post-coital afterglow and given her a chance to mull it over, she may have gotten on board, since she's still thinking about it.
Instead, he surprised her, shocked the hell out of her and scared her off! Good goin' dude.
You can't just spring a special request on someone and then be hurt if they're shocked or surprised.
Even a little prerequisite like "I have this fetish - would you like to hear about it?" would at least give her a chance to brace herself.
As well, sometimes people are just NOT INTO a fetish, even if it's presented optimally. So if you're going to lay it out there, you have to be prepared to get slapped down.
Sometimes, all a new partner needs is some time and space to think a fetish over before saying "yes" to participating. If he popped this idea at her in the heat of the moment asking if she will do it RIGHT NOW, that's unfair to both of them.
It sounds like if he'd brought the idea up in some post-coital afterglow and given her a chance to mull it over, she may have gotten on board, since she's still thinking about it.
Instead, he surprised her, shocked the hell out of her and scared her off! Good goin' dude.
43
i'm sure everyone knows how quickly a great night of sex can suddenly backfire into the most awkward night. and its really easy for men, especially from my point of view, to suddenly have your "heart" broken by a woman when she suddenly goes from superhotnightoflovin to howfastcanileavewithoutmakingeyecontact.
when a man manages to get a woman in his bed and everything seems to be going normal and she suddenly stops and gets dressed because her nails don't match, or she accidentally farted or something else you ladies cant handle, the man just goes on to resenting bringing home the woman who is too self-absorbed to go with it. but when a woman gets up and leaves because the man did something kinky or just a little foreign, the man's sexual heart breaks even further. we try so hard to make a woman feel comfortable, and though we do ruin it sometimes, its ultimately up to the woman to make the man feel comfortable in bed. the last thing we want is to miss a night with an amazing woman just because she feels the fact that her nails don't match will somehow diminish the quality of the sex.
when a man manages to get a woman in his bed and everything seems to be going normal and she suddenly stops and gets dressed because her nails don't match, or she accidentally farted or something else you ladies cant handle, the man just goes on to resenting bringing home the woman who is too self-absorbed to go with it. but when a woman gets up and leaves because the man did something kinky or just a little foreign, the man's sexual heart breaks even further. we try so hard to make a woman feel comfortable, and though we do ruin it sometimes, its ultimately up to the woman to make the man feel comfortable in bed. the last thing we want is to miss a night with an amazing woman just because she feels the fact that her nails don't match will somehow diminish the quality of the sex.
44
its ultimately up to the woman to make the man feel comfortable in bed
Oh, I see.
And by "I see" there, I mean "I SEE YOUR SEXISM" not your point.
Die in a fire, please.
Oh, I see.
And by "I see" there, I mean "I SEE YOUR SEXISM" not your point.
Die in a fire, please.
46
There is a video online of this. Google "booya", its a video of a black man with his nuts in a white girls ass and his dick in her vagina. I haven't looked for it in years.
47
Has it occurred to anyone that she might have responded with a, "What?" simply because the act sounded *impossible*? Or at least, extremely painful?
And you can all quite it with the men vs. women shit, because I just posed the idea of penetrating testicles to my boyfriend and his reaction was more "What?!" than mine!
And you can all quite it with the men vs. women shit, because I just posed the idea of penetrating testicles to my boyfriend and his reaction was more "What?!" than mine!
48
I'm a woman, and I think Dan's original advice was fine. If the woman was GGG, but had already accidentally blurted out What!!??, then she should of said sorry babe... tell me more about how you want to stuff your balls in my cunt...
50
The initial mistake was on the part of the boyfriend, who waited until they were actually _having sex_ to bring up testicle insertion.
I can't blame RIT for the "what" at all. You're all turned on, and busy enjoying it, you aren't really prepared at that moment to respond sensitively to an 'unusual' request out of the blue.
Second mistake was on both their parts, when neither of them brought it up again with each other...though half a point to RIT for at least reconsidering.
I can't blame RIT for the "what" at all. You're all turned on, and busy enjoying it, you aren't really prepared at that moment to respond sensitively to an 'unusual' request out of the blue.
Second mistake was on both their parts, when neither of them brought it up again with each other...though half a point to RIT for at least reconsidering.
51
pdxneedmoresex: "its ultimately up to the woman to make the man feel comfortable in bed."
Alice Roy : "Oh, I see. And by "I see" there, I mean "I SEE YOUR SEXISM" not your point. Die in a fire, please."
I am a sexist man who recently died in a fire, Ms. Roy, and I find your comment very hurtful.
Alice Roy : "Oh, I see. And by "I see" there, I mean "I SEE YOUR SEXISM" not your point. Die in a fire, please."
I am a sexist man who recently died in a fire, Ms. Roy, and I find your comment very hurtful.
52
I don't think her reaction was un-warranted, whether this was a one-night-stand or they'd been dating for awhile. In the middle of sex is not really the time to bring up a fairly uncommon kink. If you're dating someone and have been fucking for awhile, have a god-damned conversation, outside the bedroom, about whether or not the other person would be interested in your kink. If it's the first date, unless you're hooking up for the sole purpose of getting off on your mutual kink, stick to the basics and wait for an established relationship of some sort before throwing it out there.
53
i thought Dan's reaction to RIT was spot on when i read the article the first time and even when i went back and reread it given the lambasting he's getting from readers. remember, he's savage, folks and that's the title of the column. the lady wrote in and admitted to practically ridiculing her man in bed and then later on gabbing to her girlfriends about it. women are not all sensitive creatures, folks. some are pit bulls like sarah palin and as hot as they might seem in one way, in others they may freeze up. they're human. so are men. expressing shock of any kind during sex is gonna spoil the moment, so any/everyone should have a better line ready than "What?!?" if a partner suggests trying new things. Diplomacy, folks. It's what's lacking in America today (and has for the last 8 years).
54
I think "What!?" is pretty tamed compared to what could have been said. I have to say, I'm intrigued by this particular kink, but if someone tossed it at me out of the blue I would have likely respondd with something akin to, "Holy shit, is that even POSSIBLE?!!" Not out of repulsion or anything, but out of genuine bafflement and surprise. So I think a "What?!" is on par with a "Huh??" or a "What now?" Not a big deal.
55
No way should that girl be blamed for doing what many people would, that is, express suprise, amusement or quite possibly digust at such a request, and I'm a guy. Put simply, if a guy is so weird and stupid as to want to risk getting his gonads crushed, then he'd better be willng to put up with many people giving him this response. If he wants to get his rocks off that way, he had better be willing to up with some ridicule as well.
56
I've never had any guy ask to do this with me but if he did my reaction would be: "uh (initial surprise), sure, let's see if we can do it". I mean, if I'm into a guy I want him to fit as much of himself into me as he can.
57
No guy has ever asked me to do this but if he did I would have said "uh (momentary pause while processing request), OK, let's see if we can do it". If I'm really into a guy I want him to fit as much of himself into me as he can.
59
It's fine and understandable to be surprised - you can't control that. However, you can control your outwards reaction. I agree with Dan.
Besides, it's not like he asked her for something *really* kinky.
Besides, it's not like he asked her for something *really* kinky.
60
Thanks for this. I was starting to feel like I've lived a horrible lie -- that I wasn't a kinky-as-hell, bi-poly, bdsm-type so far into edge-play that that I need mountain-climbing gear (and have some, in my toy-closet), because by here was a by-the-deity-of-your-choice old-fashioned heterosexual-possible kink that I hadn't come across in my twenty years of being a drooling, cackling, twisted pervert. I write _porn_ for fucksake! Really hardcore kinky porn! With my husband! And I'd never heard of this... nor had he. Given that he and I have done, in front of large audiences of some of the most sexually adventurous people in the known world, things which made even the boldest of them whimper a bit and and mutter, as they ran away, "Man, that chick is _scary!_", I really don't think the poor woman's rather mild expression of surprise was all that bad, now, hmm? I mean, dude... I set people on _fire_ for fun. And they _like_ it. If I haven't seen it all, then nobody can have.
That said, it was rather nice, at this late date, to come across something I _haven't_ done, done again with needles in, and done in an inflatable swimming pool full of oil-slicked virgins while a live choir sinks "Halleluja." Keep up the good work.
~ Velvet (yes, it's really my name. yes, I know it's a porno name.)
That said, it was rather nice, at this late date, to come across something I _haven't_ done, done again with needles in, and done in an inflatable swimming pool full of oil-slicked virgins while a live choir sinks "Halleluja." Keep up the good work.
~ Velvet (yes, it's really my name. yes, I know it's a porno name.)
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